Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-28-2010, 03:11 PM
ConfusedBunny ConfusedBunny is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 6
Default Help! My husband wants to be poly, but I'm mono.

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting, but I have been reading this forum for a few months now (I hope this is the right place to post this...).

My marriage is not doing so good. I have a wonderful partner and we get along great most of the time. We live and work together. We have been in a loving, monogamous relationship for over five years. However, every now and then we keep hitting a road block to perfect happiness. Because of it, I get so depressed and don't know what to do.

Almost all the time now, my partner get depressed over the fact that we are in a monogamous relationship. From what I can understand, he comes to resent me because he feels I am holding him back. He has dated more than one woman at the same time in the past and had threesomes, etc. He says he feels like some sort of failure because he cannot go out and flirt with other girls and have new experiences. He really is depressed over the idea of never sleeping with any other woman ever again. He is probably poly, but has never used the term to describe himself. He wants to date people to feel better about himself and because being with just me bores him (maybe partly due to his having ADD).

When he gets depressed, I get even more depressed. He is moody, grumpy, looks at me with disgust, won't sleep with me, hides away to smoke/read for hours, etc. It's hard to not feel like crap when he is like this.

Also, while I am mentally ok with polyamory, etc. (I think consenting adults can do whatever they want), I just feel like it is not for me. Personally, I think I would be perfectly ok with dating more than one person at one time, until I grew to really care about one person and then I would want to be exclusive. I say "think", because I don't really know.

Part of the problem is, I have only ever dated one other guy. My first boyfriend was at the age of 21 and I met my current boyfriend at the age of 23 (I am now 28). I grew up really wanting a boyfriend and not having one for most of my life. And it wasn't from lack of trying - I must have asked out about a dozen guys. Only those two that did become boyfriends ever said yes. No one ever asked me out. No one in high school thought I was worth their time to even go out one single date with me.

Also, through out middle school and high school, I faced a lot of emotional, verbal and physical abuse by both girls and boys. It wasn't because I was ugly or stupid. In fact, I am almost above normal in both those categories. Possibly, since I wasn't one of the rich/popular girls, I was considered socially un-dateable and un-fuckable. Some of my friends I had were also not that great (one in particular was good at suddenly not talking to me or doing mean things behind my back).

As a result, I hate feeling excluded, having things going on behind my back, and feeling like something is wrong with me. I am usually perfectly fine and feel self-confident, but when my partner mentions his thoughts and feelings on wanting to sleep with other women, I get very depressed. I feel like I am not special, sexy, etc. I feel like I am a failure somehow. I don't have the same amount of experience as my partner. I have almost no sexual experience. He has said, somewhat jokingly, that he would be happier if I were a slut and bisexual, when I am straight and really tried my best to have experiences. I feel like he is judging me as unworthy and as some sort of prude.

Here I was happy just to find someone to love and spend time my time with. And here I was all happy to feel very attractive to someone (finally) and he seems to be attracted to all sorts of girls. Again, I end up not feeling special at all.

I also get upset when my partner will even just check out and flirt with other women in front of me (which he does quite often and yet won't flirt with me). How could I handle him sleeping with them, too? Just thinking about it all makes me feel neglected and insignificant. Also, we want to have kids soon. I just imagine being stuck at home with them, while he is out having fun. I sometimes get to the point where I want to break up. That way he could date whomever he wanted and I could protect myself from possible future hurt.

So, given all these issues, I have a few questions. How do I feel better about myself and my past? Is there another way (besides feeling better about myself) that I can work towards being in an poly relationship? How can he help me? Also, how can I make him ok with our relationship if we never get to the point of being able to open up?

Have you or a partner had this type of a problem? What did you do?

Thanks in advance!

PS. My husband and I have talked and talked, but seem to get nowhere. My husband thinks I'm making things more complicated than they have to be - he dismisses many of my issues and just does not seem to understand what I am going through
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-28-2010, 03:19 PM
Penny's Avatar
Penny Penny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 143
Default

I am curious, when he says he wishes you were bisexual, does this mean that your relationship has an O.P.P. (One Penis Policy)?

Would he be okay with you seeing other men?

Regardless of whether you would want to or not, whether he would be fine with that says a lot about how he views polyamory and how he views women in general.

Anyone else here have red flags going up all over this one? Not just the bisexual question, either.
__________________
.
Hinge of a V relationship with my husband (Thumper) and boyfriend (T-Rex). Also, mother of a 6 y/o girl by my husband.

My poly story begins here. Now with new blogging action!

Last edited by Penny; 11-28-2010 at 03:22 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-28-2010, 04:00 PM
Raven Raven is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 42
Default

Disclaimer - I'm pretty new to poly myself, so feel free to take my advice with a bit of salt.

For me, some of the red flags in your description of your situation are that he says that being with just you bores him, and that you say he looks at you with disgust. I'm going to use a food analogy - I love food, almost any kind of good food, and for me it is similar to my feelings on being poly. Let's say that for some reason I can't eat lasagna, but I can still eat cheesecake - both are foods that I love. Sure, I'll be a bit sad that I can't have lasagna, and if I could have lasagna it's possible it might even enhance my love of cheesecake. But that doesn't mean I'm going to not want to have cheesecake or that I'll look at it in disgust - cheesecake is good because it's cheesecake, I won't stop enjoying it just because I can't have other foods. They're different foods, with different flavors and textures, each of which can give me enjoyment in different ways.

Similarly, while I can understand your partner wanting to be with other people as well - I identify as poly myself - I have a hard time understanding how your partner is treating you. Certainly it can be difficult if you're having conflict over him wanting to be poly; when my partner and I first started discussing poly, it was over a woman we both knew that he liked, and there was plenty of discomfort and tension while we talked about how we both felt and worked toward reaching something that worked for us. But we still treated each other with love and respect, not disgust, even if we got pissed at each other sometimes.

Other's opinions? I ended up being open to poly, so it may be somewhat different in a mono / poly situation.
__________________
Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-28-2010, 04:01 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 6,760
Default

First of all, no marriage is happy all the time. People have shit to deal with, it doesn't mean it's necessarily failing when you hit a roadblock and are unhappy. It does mean there are things to look at. Second of all, I think you need to let go of all those high school memories. You are almost 30 now, and the girl you were in high school is no more. Try to stay present and handle what's happening in the here and now.

I think couples therapy would be very useful for you. It seems to me that your husband does not have much compassion for your concerns and feelings, and has expressed his wants to you in a way that has been disrespectful toward you. There are ways to say what you want and then there are ways to say what you want. The goal of polyamory is not to set your partner aside so you can go and fuck around, it's about having room in your heart and life for more than one. Yes, you have your own issues to process, but he is not letting you know you are loved and cherished. If he won't cooperate to go as a couple, then look into going alone. It sounds to me like a major part of your growth will be to nurture your self-esteem.
__________________
Hot chick in the city.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me.
~Bryan Ferry
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-28-2010, 04:26 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,503
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedBunny View Post
Part of the problem is, I have only ever dated one other guy. My first boyfriend was at the age of 21 and I met my current boyfriend at the age of 23 (I am now 28). I grew up really wanting a boyfriend and not having one for most of my life. And it wasn't from lack of trying - I must have asked out about a dozen guys. Only those two that did become boyfriends ever said yes. No one ever asked me out. No one in high school thought I was worth their time to even go out one single date with me.
I can totally relate to this. The truth is that my lack of experience with sex on top of my mother's prudish teachings had a serious negative impact on my marriage for a lot of years. I have now been married for 19 years, but it has been really rough.

I agree that couples counceling is the best place to start and sooner rather than later. It sounds like he has a lot of resentment built up and there are things that have not been addressed between the two of you.

Do not add kids to the equation until you can get a better grip on your relationship.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-28-2010, 04:39 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 6,760
Default

Also, you mentioned your husband has ADD (or ADHD). Has he been formally diagnosed? This adds another dimension to your situation. Relationships in which one person has ADD are very challenging. Some good articles and forums exist over at ADDitude magazine: http://www.additudemag.com/index.html

See also:
http://www.adhdmarriage.com/

http://health.nytimes.com/health/gui.../overview.html
__________________
Hot chick in the city.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me.
~Bryan Ferry
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-28-2010, 04:44 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny View Post
Anyone else here have red flags going up all over this one? Not just the bisexual question, either.
Yes, red flags everywhere. Especially the part about having kids.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-28-2010, 05:03 PM
ConfusedBunny ConfusedBunny is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 6
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny View Post
I am curious, when he says he wishes you were bisexual, does this mean that your relationship has an O.P.P. (One Penis Policy)?

Would he be okay with you seeing other men?

Regardless of whether you would want to or not, whether he would be fine with that says a lot about how he views polyamory and how he views women in general.

Anyone else here have red flags going up all over this one? Not just the bisexual question, either.
Sorry, I should have been more clear (although I already felt like I was rambling!). He would be quite happy for me to be with other men. His remark about wanting me to be bisexual is just a smartass comment he makes when he is feeling upset and we've been talking for a long time (it's hard for him to have long talks because of his ADD and he gets snappy).

Last edited by ConfusedBunny; 11-28-2010 at 05:22 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-28-2010, 05:10 PM
ConfusedBunny ConfusedBunny is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 6
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raven View Post
For me, some of the red flags in your description of your situation are that he says that being with just you bores him, and that you say he looks at you with disgust. I'm going to use a food analogy - I love food, almost any kind of good food, and for me it is similar to my feelings on being poly. Let's say that for some reason I can't eat lasagna, but I can still eat cheesecake - both are foods that I love. Sure, I'll be a bit sad that I can't have lasagna, and if I could have lasagna it's possible it might even enhance my love of cheesecake. But that doesn't mean I'm going to not want to have cheesecake or that I'll look at it in disgust - cheesecake is good because it's cheesecake, I won't stop enjoying it just because I can't have other foods. They're different foods, with different flavors and textures, each of which can give me enjoyment in different ways.
Thanks for the analogy. I totally get that, it's just not for me (because of all of my crazy issues). And my husband only looks at me in rentment/disgust/disdain/apathy (or even just tries to avoid looking at me) every now and then when he is in a really, really bad mood from thinking about this stuff too much. It usually gets to a point where I call him out on it and a big long talk begins.

I feel like if there is a way I can get past my issues, I might be able to be poly as well.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-28-2010, 05:21 PM
ConfusedBunny ConfusedBunny is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 6
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
First of all, no marriage is happy all the time. People have shit to deal with, it doesn't mean it's necessarily failing when you hit a roadblock and are unhappy. It does mean there are things to look at. Second of all, I think you need to let go of all those high school memories. You are almost 30 now, and the girl you were in high school is no more. Try to stay present and handle what's happening in the here and now.
Thanks. I should try to stay in the present. It's hard, but maybe I'm not trying enough. I guess everyone has baggage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think couples therapy would be very useful for you. It seems to me that your husband does not have much compassion for your concerns and feelings, and has expressed his wants to you in a way that has been disrespectful toward you. There are ways to say what you want and then there are ways to say what you want. The goal of polyamory is not to set your partner aside so you can go and fuck around, it's about having room in your heart and life for more than one. Yes, you have your own issues to process, but he is not letting you know you are loved and cherished. If he won't cooperate to go as a couple, then look into going alone. It sounds to me like a major part of your growth will be to nurture your self-esteem.
I think he actually cares too much - he really, really doesn't want to hurt me and doesn't want to resent me and ends up being really angry with himself. He just also really wants to date other people and have other experiences. I guess he just finds it really hard to talk to me about something he really wants and feels like he might never have.

I really feel like I need to work on myself so that we can both be happy. I'm just not sure where to begin. Maybe I'll at least try to stay in the present. Thanks!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
mono poly, mono/poly

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:01 AM.