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  #11  
Old 12-30-2010, 05:36 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Note to self: when the hand sanitizer bottle and the lube bottle look the same - don't keep them in the same spot. In the semi-darkness, you WILL grab the wrong one...
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  #12  
Old 12-31-2010, 12:17 AM
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mushaboom mushaboom is offline
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Default Hi!

LOL, I was all ready to write about how I really feel for you and relate to your situation and that I have a lot of similar feelings and issues with discovering who I really am... and then I read that last post and I just started cracking up instead!
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  #13  
Old 12-31-2010, 12:29 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Yeah - it was funny - hot and steamy, tied up and he goes for the lube... I'm helpless on the bed... all of a sudden he's gone... good thing I wasn't gagged or blindfolded...

Its been a painful and frustrating journey for me. We were extremely ill-prepared for what happened, and the ripples continue to affect us even as recently as last night.

We finally came to a point of understanding last night - there were some things that were said and done that hurt me... during their relationship, and continuing on after...

I have come to some conclusions about myself and what I need to work on me and get ME to a healthy place - and some things I need from HIM for us to have healthy communication - IE: I want more kids. I don't want to give birth - I'd love to adopt - and he said he'd think about it. And kept saying that. Until finally last night, he admitted that NO he does not want to adopt - he's really truly done. It was a huge breakthrough for the both of us - I need him to not be so afraid of upsetting me that he hurts me more. (in this instance, by keeping the hope alive that we'd have a gorgeous little girl running around) I need to grieve and move on and I can't if he continues to give me false hope.

Short story long - I need him to tell me the truth, not tell me what he thinks I want to hear in order to keep me happy. Incongruencies and out of sync communication seriously messes with me.

And I need to be ok in my own skin.

We continued to talk last night about how he knows he can love another - but for him - will choose not to persue anyone - the stress of what happened these past months has taken a physical toll on him that he chooses not to repeat.

I was able to tell him that I still think about other people. I am half in love with his brother - and he's ok with that. I don't want to actively seek out another relationship at this point - but its ok if something finds me.

But my focus for 2011 will be my own mental and physical health and my family. Everything else will come secondary to that.
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  #14  
Old 01-08-2011, 05:59 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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I'm glad that there have been some revelations and more openness. I think people in relationships should take regular communication classes (at least twice a year) because many couples believe their communication is good when it's not. Constantly seeking avenues to broaden those lines of communication will help fuel the relationship. (sorry...went off on my own rant). Yea...maybe we should change the tops on one of the bottles so it'll be easier to differentiate even in the dark. For instance, if it's flat at the top (flip top), it's sanitizer. If it's cylinder/cone shaped at the top, its lube. lol
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  #15  
Old 03-25-2011, 06:59 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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For the first time in months, I was able to drive by a certain landmark without pain last Saturday.

Every work day, 2X a day, I am forced to drive past a specific landmark and until recently, it would cause gut wrenching pain and start off a litany of conversations in my head.

Saturday, I drove by there with other things on my mind and there was nothing but some sadness.

Time does heal all wounds... some are not fully healed - in the wake of family grief and stress I find I am unable to open up, to let go and to cry... and I need to desperately. But it, too, will come.

I am still trying to figure out who I am and what I want/need in life. We are open to possibilities... although right now that translates into not much is happening because our life is so freaking busy... options are open to discussion and negotiations should they come up

I have missed these forums...
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  #16  
Old 04-20-2011, 08:19 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Default Dusted this blog off...

Ariakas once posted on my (other) blog that my updates were awesomely vague.

I was vague on purpose, sorta. I couldn't talk about what I was experiencing during P&W's relationship - or really even after. The closest I came to talking about what I was feeling was a note on fetlife... Even now I still have trouble articulating what was going on for me and how it STILL affects me.

The reality is that the issues that ultimately ended everything left at least 3 people in pain and me in a situation where I was terrified to talk, and putting up walls. I couldn't talk. Wasn't allowed to talk. Had no where to talk. I could have talked here but my reasons for not talking here only intensified - I didn't want to seem like I was slandering someone I genuinely thought was a fantastic woman - and I never wanted anything to be a he said/she said situation. Ariakas has since deleted and/or blocked me on all sites/methods of communication so I don't know if he will ever see this or not - and now I'm at the point where I have to do what's best for ME and MY relationship not worrying about what others may or may not say about me. I can't be that person who has encased herself in walls... because walls shatter and then the pain all comes out.

And that's who I became. Someone who was desperately trying to hide behind walls but in the end everything shattered.

The theme of a lot of the issues with W&P's relationship, with mine & W's relationship was not saying anything so someone wouldn't get hurt - and invariably someone got hurt worse.

I wonder - if I had actually reached out would things have been different? Not that it matters now... my feeling is that one side doesn't want to know my side and that's ok. I wish everyone happiness and a good life - regardless of whether they understand or care about what was going on for me - I do hope things go well for them. I am sad for the loss of a potential friendship though.

Wellington and I had a major breakthrough on Monday - we were having a conversation, it turned into a fight, the same issues came up again... and I was finally able to tell him how I was feeling in a way that the 'light' came on.

For 13 years anytime we've had a conversation that involved me expressing feelings that were NOT postive and supportive and happy about him - he'd shut the conversation down. He doesn't do confrontation well - and he has a tendency to react rather than pause, think and act when he percieves an attack.

(note - i'm not saying I don't attack - but regardless - he perceives it as one)

I finally was able to show him what he was doing in a way that made sense to HIM.

Gawd I love that man. When he's faced with something he doesn't like about himself - he's all for changes and adjustments - he may not LIKE a trait about himself - but he's always willing to FACE it and WORK on it - as soon as he understands it. I wish I had 1/2 of that ability...

Knowing he's willing to stop and pause and think about what's being said rather than react to the percieved attack - means that the walls I've been so carefully constructing can start to come down. It means that he truely will be a safe place for me to talk and we can be SO much more genuine with each other.

I don't know where we're going in our poly journey - but I do know that wherever it is - it will be with a better understanding of ourselves.
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  #17  
Old 04-20-2011, 11:14 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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First, I would like to say I wish you the best moving forward, and I am sorry to hear about your loss.

I hope this post clears up the series of events that seem to have left you hanging.

There was a lot of drama surrounding the overall relationship. Throughout the entire time I did try to remain friends. However we have a significant number of life differences/experiences. This alone would have caused us to drift apart.

After the cord was cut with Pengrah, regardless of how it was done (and no I don't want to debate it), I took my time to help Pengrah heal and in all honesty our "new" friendship had to end. Between us not having common ground and your husband being my wifes ex, there was no way to maintain a friendship without the anger, hurt and drama continuing.

There was a lot of drama in all of this, drama I try to minimize in my life. Friends, lovers or otherwise. It is not something I freely welcome into my home in abundance.

I would never stop someone from posting or writing about their relationships or problems. Please, if you need to do that here, go ahead. I would have left you to your own posts if you had chosen to do so, this is not my forum, I am simply a member who is active. The same goes for fetlife.

I have said all of this before, maybe I wasn't clear enough, I hope this clears up any confusion. I am ending it here.

Ari
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  #18  
Old 04-20-2011, 11:32 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I have said all of this before, maybe I wasn't clear enough, I hope this clears up any confusion. I am ending it here.
Everything was abundantly clear in your pm to me several months ago. It remains clear - a choice was made before the relationship between them ended and I was left floundering.

None of it was your fault, your responsibility and I'm not going to go into any of it. I still have parts of that affecting me. You DON'T know what happened on my side, Pengrah doesn't and NEITHER of you gave any thought to what was really happening.

The drama wasn't only coming from me. Even now - I am not the one stirring shit here. Truth is - you only saw it from her side - and that's the only side you ever wanted to see it from. It didn't matter how she hurt me or what she did - because you had decided it wasn't going to work out LONG before it ended.

I made a decision to keep silent a long time ago and it did serious damage. I'm not going to keep silent any further.
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  #19  
Old 04-23-2011, 03:19 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Fantastic day with hubby & kids today - he's waiting for me to kick his ass at backgammon...

We had some phenomenal talks in the last couple days. Working through the fissures and fractures that are so close to healed Its awesome.

I've heard that when you break a bone, the healed part is much stronger than it was whole.

It feels to be a truth for us, as well. The healed parts will be stronger.

We are enjoying each other's company... its a good good thing
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  #20  
Old 04-29-2011, 01:15 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Had a great conversation with a woman the other night. She's poly, in 3 relationships, and we have a lot in common. Right now, I'm happily exploring friendships with no expectation of more.



She's cute though. I can't stop staring at her lips when I see her in person
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