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Old 09-04-2013, 03:26 AM
Frisky Frisky is offline
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Default Following DH for work; leaving behind my dear lover

Has anyone faced this situation before? Do you have some ideas to make the transition easier?

History: dated L many years ago, but timing and geographic circumstances prevented us from having the time and space to get to know each other enough to make a commitment. One broken monogamous marriage apiece behind us, we are both in poly relationships--me with DH and mK (f) in a 7 year triad and he in a just opening up newbie poly relationship. My kids are grown and he has young, high-need ones at home. L and I are in a quasi DADT. It's what his DW has negotiated with him for her comfort level so I do my best to honor it in spirit and deed.

L and I had lost contact for many years. I deliberately did not contact him starting 7 years ago as he was in a monogamous marriage with children and our limited phone/email conversations were stirring up too many emotions and dissatisfaction with the status quo for both of us. I always said that I was safe as long as we were never in the same state past sundown. he was living 5 time zones away and I was safe. Not a day went by over 13 years that we didn't think of each other.

Almost two years ago after a lonely night and tears and misunderstandings with DH, I did the Facebook stalking thing to find that L and his family had moved to the state I had recently moved to. Like two magnets, it was inevitable. No longer safe, now I had to navigate unfamiliar terrain while staying true to myself and staying authentic and honorable. We've moved from a true DADT to outings with the families to snuggle sessions in their bed. His DW, B is a sweet, smart lady and pretty awesome. I would've chosen her for a friend regardless of her connection to L.

This is my first DADT and it has been rocky emotionally for me. he's openly affectionate with me in front of her, but I feel as if i still have to tamper down my response in front of her to protect her. Private time with L is hidden and because of their DADT agreement, I can't negotiate with her.

DH has been working through his own jealousy issues. I've loved L for 24 years and DH has known about my longing for him from the beginning. We are able to talk openly about my feelings and his about the situation, but sometimes the openness backfires and I feel like the communication burns him.


Now, we have to move more than a thousand miles away and it is killing me. I don't have any confidence that L and I will have any rendezvous after I leave. Except for leaving him and my friendship with B and their incredible kids and my youngest daughter (enrolled in a college in this state) behind, this move is all I could have asked for. It's near where my eldest is going to school, it's the exact city I want to settle down in, in the state I love. DH loves his new job. Our dear mK will most likely be able to move there next fall and our triad will be back in one place after five years of separation.

So, dear readers, if you've stayed with my sad little tale so far, some words of wisdom. How do I make the most of the few months I have left and how do I leave L with a smile and good memories knowing that it may be all I ever can give him? How do I respect my DH and my decision to follow him and do so ungrudgingly while honoring my own feelings?
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Old 09-04-2013, 08:51 AM
london london is offline
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Are you moving because you want to move, or you feel obligated to follow your husband?
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  #3  
Old 09-04-2013, 10:09 AM
Frisky Frisky is offline
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Mostly to follow him. Moving away is not a choice I would have made if it was only me to consider. It's a bad career move. It is to a city of my choice. If I had asked DH to stay, he would have. But I told him to make the right choice for him and our family and I would support him. Now it's up to me to uphold that with a willing and open heart.
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Old 09-04-2013, 10:13 AM
london london is offline
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And to just sacrifice your secondary relationship? Did L always know he was this disposable? Did you discuss it with L at all? Or was it just about you, your marriage and your kids from that marriage?
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Old 09-04-2013, 12:20 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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This sounds like anticipatory grief to me.

Moving and changing and the impending split with L -- all are going to feel like loss/grief.

You and L (and your other people) could talk about HOW you want it to end and then make it so.

Sometimes some of the best memories are the bittersweet sweet moments.

Rather than focus on the loss part of it at this time, you could focus on that -- enjoying your time together and going for the sweet parting.

Because right now your vent is writing all about the things you do not like and the things you will not like in future.

How about writing again (for yourself, not necessarily here) about all the things you love, and all the things you love forward to loving in future -- like that sweet parting you crave?

Galagirl
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Old 09-05-2013, 11:16 AM
Frisky Frisky is offline
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Smile Tempest in a (packed) teapot?

Thanks Galagirl, I will and you are right, it is anticipatory grief and it's clouding the present.

London, thank you too, for your questions. Yes, L and I have discussed this at length. We are of the same mind that it is the best of all the options available. He speaks of trips back and forth to see each other. We hope that he and his family might one day be able to move there. He's reassuring and encouraging. My normally optimistic heart is pessimistic as to the reality of this.

Our relationship is secondary, perhaps by conventional poly terms, but not disposable by any means. I just chuckled to myself at that phrase, "conventional poly". He has his home responsibilities with his children and both he and I put them right up at the top of the priority list. I don't see time away from them as really feasible, at least not in the next 13 years or so.

I will make the trips to visit and I know we'll have some alone time, but I know it will be different and so limited compared to now. DH is supportive of this and is understanding of my sadness/happiness about this move.

I don't see him being free to do the same. It's one thing for her to "not have to see" the absence of a few hours, but another to accept the reality of a few days absence. I worry that being away will make my time with him seem like a sacrifice for her and instead of the growing friendship, there might instead be resentment on her part.

It's been very freeing and clarifying to write this down. With all the emotional drama that storms in my partners lives, I try to be the calm place everyone can go to relax. But now I can see where I've been letting my own fear run wild and exactly where I've been neglecting some crucial conversations. Mostly, I'm the listener in all the different relationships I'm a partner in and the one who smooths the drama. I guess I make up for it with my own self-talk and internal drama.

Thanks for the responses!
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  #7  
Old 09-05-2013, 02:24 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
I don't see time away from them as really feasible, at least not in the next 13 years or so.
Not even a few days? Really?
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  #8  
Old 09-10-2013, 09:19 PM
Frisky Frisky is offline
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Default I love it when I'm pessimistic and subsequently proven wrong!

After all the angst last week about the feasibility of some future weekends away together, L's DW encouraged the two of us (with their son) to go away for the night for a geek-fest road trip. There were some insecurities on her part about where everyone would be sleeping (put to rest so-to-speak with small cabin/alert teenager lol), but baby steps.
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