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  #11  
Old 12-01-2010, 06:36 PM
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Honestly, there are to many variables to really be able to give you a concrete opinion on.

Like Ariakas said,.. someone who has complete disregard for the others feelings, is a massive red flag. Sometime`s that flag is born of jealousy. Sometimes its born of a good intuition. Either way, its a flag that needs paid attention too.

I have a ex-bf that my husband despises. To this day, he wants nothing to do with that person, and would happily never hear of him again. There was no way that relationship was ever going to fly. Rightly so.

Yet my husband and Ariakas get along really well. There is mutual respect, and friendship growing.

It boils down to circumstance, or it being person specific...as you already know.
Unfortunately there is no easy how-to booklet. You have to disect things and find out for yourself.
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  #12  
Old 12-01-2010, 08:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
Honestly, there are to many variables to really be able to give you a concrete opinion on.

Like Ariakas said,.. someone who has complete disregard for the others feelings, is a massive red flag. Sometime`s that flag is born of jealousy. Sometimes its born of a good intuition. Either way, its a flag that needs paid attention too.

I have a ex-bf that my husband despises. To this day, he wants nothing to do with that person, and would happily never hear of him again. There was no way that relationship was ever going to fly. Rightly so.

Yet my husband and Ariakas get along really well. There is mutual respect, and friendship growing.

It boils down to circumstance, or it being person specific...as you already know.
Unfortunately there is no easy how-to booklet. You have to disect things and find out for yourself.
I wish there was a how-to booklet that would help..

I can see if B continues to feel this way about J that I will have to end it with J... but I'm hoping they can come to at least an uneasy peace...
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  #13  
Old 12-01-2010, 09:30 PM
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It seems to me that you need to be very clear about what you want. When people are able to yank us around, it's usually because we have some uncertainty or doubts about something. If you want it to be NSA with J., then say so directly. If you don't want anything or anyone taking away from your time with B., stand your ground. If you are wondering what the hell J. means when he says stuff, ask him. If you want your men to try and make an effort at civility toward each other, let them know. Be the one who is strong and certain. Things can change later, but figure out what you want and take a stance now. Think of other areas in your life where you have an easier time being a strong woman, and know that you can be that strong in this situation. As long as either of them see you as wishy-washy, you will continue to get yanked around and stressed out.
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-01-2010 at 09:57 PM.
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  #14  
Old 12-01-2010, 11:59 PM
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Sounds like a bit of a rough start and that each man is trying to man up the other. *yawn* That gets totally old for me pretty quick.

If I were you I would first of all be expressing my need for all of you to get together and talk it all out face to face. It doesn't have to be now, but at some point. If I were you I would be letting them both know that this is not an option for you. Its expected at the start of a poly relationship. You might not get your expectation filled right away, but when they see that it really is important.... Sorry, I'm a stickler for that one. Its just not good poly ethics to me under your circumstances to not have metamours meet.

Often the competitive stuff stops when someone is right in front of you. The two of them can work on their relationship in terms of setting some boundaries about your time with each of them, what each other says in terms of what is passed on and checking their words before saying them.

The other thing is that YOU get to say who you sleep with on that week. Its not their choice. You are not a pawn. The only thing they get to do us to let you know if you are not spending enough time with them and they feel left out, so that you can discuss with the other and adjust your time schedule. Really, to me a large part of how poly works is to be considerate of each other. Especially metamours.

I am wondering how much reading you have done beyond your thread. A lot of all this has been written on and could be useful. I suggest doing a search in the tags for "metamour" and anything else that you think could be relevant. Maybe it would help. "poly lessons learned" is a good thread in the stickies that might help also.
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  #15  
Old 12-02-2010, 12:51 AM
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It sounds, ultimately, like J trespassed on one of your boundaries. He might have meant he really didn't care about B's feelings, or he could have meant something different, like maybe whatever was being discussed was so important that to him, it superseded B's feelings. Whatever the case, the words bothered you. It sounds like maybe some other things are bothering you too. You are in a position to check J if he runs up against your boundaries. Don't hesitate to do it. Otherwise, the relationship will be too stressful to make it worthwhile.
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  #16  
Old 12-02-2010, 12:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Sounds like a bit of a rough start and that each man is trying to man up the other. *yawn* That gets totally old for me pretty quick.
yeah I liken it to a dog trying to piss higher on the tree than the other dogs

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
If I were you I would first of all be expressing my need for all of you to get together and talk it all out face to face.
I have asked B to do that. He's not comfortable at this point seeing J at all. We did talk the first night this came up and after that B said he was uncomfortable about J.


Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
It doesn't have to be now, but at some point. If I were you I would be letting them both know that this is not an option for you. Its expected at the start of a poly relationship. You might not get your expectation filled right away, but when they see that it really is important.... Sorry, I'm a stickler for that one. Its just not good poly ethics to me under your circumstances to not have metamours meet.
Yeah I know... it's so so early in this relationship for us. We are still hashing out what it's morphing into. I guess part of the problem is that I don't know what I want yet... it's so new to all of us... being POLY was NEVER on the table for us till J came along and captured my attention.. Of course now that I've read more and more I see that our relationships with our swinger friends is bordering on poly relationships....

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Often the competitive stuff stops when someone is right in front of you. The two of them can work on their relationship in terms of setting some boundaries about your time with each of them, what each other says in terms of what is passed on and checking their words before saying them.
Yep I think that would help B's jealousy and fear. Problem is that J is NOT local to us and getting them to agree to meet is an issue. I do not want to push B outside his comfort level. He is after all the partner being presented with this idea and I do need to tread lightly.


Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
The other thing is that YOU get to say who you sleep with on that week. Its not their choice. You are not a pawn. The only thing they get to do us to let you know if you are not spending enough time with them and they feel left out, so that you can discuss with the other and adjust your time schedule. Really, to me a large part of how poly works is to be considerate of each other. Especially metamours.
Yes I can see that. B is much more needy than J so I can see him needing me more than J and that works out just fine in day to day living as I'm with B and we are 2 hours away from J

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I am wondering how much reading you have done beyond your thread. A lot of all this has been written on and could be useful. I suggest doing a search in the tags for "metamour" and anything else that you think could be relevant. Maybe it would help. "poly lessons learned" is a good thread in the stickies that might help also.
Thanks, I have been reading. I have severe ADHD so I have to read in small doses and I have to read it over and over again. I'm also in the process of getting some books... However I do want to thank everyone for their input as it helps me tremendously, especially you Redpepper!
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  #17  
Old 12-02-2010, 12:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jade View Post
It sounds, ultimately, like J trespassed on one of your boundaries. He might have meant he really didn't care about B's feelings, or he could have meant something different, like maybe whatever was being discussed was so important that to him, it superseded B's feelings. Whatever the case, the words bothered you. It sounds like maybe some other things are bothering you too. You are in a position to check J if he runs up against your boundaries. Don't hesitate to do it. Otherwise, the relationship will be too stressful to make it worthwhile.

Interesting. I guess I need to clearly define my boundaries. I am more of a wing it kind of girl...

I think I OVER reacted to what J said and I think that J is trying to deal with this whole thing.. he has very few prior relationships, He knew I was married but I don't think he's ever given thought to a relationship with a married woman much less a Poly one...

oh hell I don't know what I"m doing at this point.... I think that the way I work things out in my brain is to write them down and get input... it's working and I thank you.

off for more reading.
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