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  #1  
Old 01-29-2014, 03:43 AM
XCountrygirl XCountrygirl is offline
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Unhappy Having issues with BF and commitment...

Hi - I'm new to the forum, and have posted my intro on the Intro forum.

Situation is this: I've been with the BF for about three months now, and we have made a verbal commitment to each other (I am married to Mr. Xcountrygirl and have been for eleven years). The boyfriend, JF, has told me he loves me and is committed to me "for as long as I'll have him", and has talked openly with his wife and me about how I fit in to their future, even setting up a room in their new house for me. We even discussed the exchange of some token to prove our commitment to each other.

That said, I am not a ring person. I am extremely active outdoors, and I find that a ring gets in the way. I do have one from Mr. Xcountrygirl that I trot out on occasion (Valentine's Day dinner, cruises with his folks, etc) but for the most part, do not wear one. However, lately I've been perusing EBay and the like for silver claddagh rings, since I've been wanting to wear both my wedding band and a ring on my right hand to show my commitment to JF. We were out with his two sons today, and as we were sitting in the children's section of the bookstore, I mentioned that I'd like to know his ring size and he froze up, panicked. I need to add that he already wears his wedding band and another chain-like ring on the right hand to symbolize his role as a sub to his wife. He also wears several ring tokens on a chain around his neck, also given to him by his wife. Now, when I mentioned giving him a ring, I meant to add as a token around his neck, which we had previously cleared as ok, but since I was getting him a ring, might as well be the correct size, should he choose to wear it as a ring in the future. His panic completely caught me off-guard and it took my breath away with how much it bothered me that it upset him. He has symbols all over his body that he "belongs" to his wife- the tokens around his neck, the two rings, and even faint scarring on his back where she carved her name there with a knife (never expecting it to scar). I just wanted something to show that there was room for me, too. He had an explanation (after I made an excuse to leave and walked away) earlier this evening about how rings are his bugaboo and how it took him a long time to accept the ones he has now. Then, after I thought we had come to an understanding that yes, right now might not be the time, there was hope for the future, in a text he says that he doesn't see rings as right for us and that we'll have to find something else to symbolize our love. When I asked why he had a problem with rings, he said it was because rings are a sign of forever. And that hurt, because he has sworn he will love me "forever".

I'm deeply hurt. This is just one of many warning flags, as I see them. He is very free with his words about how he feels about me, but he has never, ever bought or given me anything - not a flower, nothing. The other weekend we spent at a B&B, I paid for it. He did buy us one meal, but the rest we split. I pay my own way all the time. I'm ok with it most of the time, because I know his salary isn't huge and he has a family to support, but he used to talk all the time about how he is a "flower for no reason at all" kind of guy, and how he loves to express his love through little gifts. I guess, because of the lack of external tokens of love (not even a card when I was in the hospital for three days with a shattered patella), I feel like a FWB more than a partner, a love of his. And that is not what I want from him. Now, this ring thing has pushed me over the edge.

Being new to poly, I am struggling with feelings of jealousy over his wife -knowing she has precedence over me when it comes to time, etc., even knowing that when she wants a threesome with JF and her boytoy (her words), he must participate, which also bothers me. Now, it is if I got a slap in the face, as if his reaction was a sign that I will never be more than a FWB to him, regardless of what his words say.

Am I being stupid? Should I run before my heart gets broken? When we talk, he can manage to make me feel better, but then apart (which is most of the time), the doubts creep in. Any advice, even a verbal slap of reality in the face, is most welcome. TIA!
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Old 01-29-2014, 04:28 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I don't think you are stupid. I think you are disappointed that you have come to realize this is not what you thought it was or hoped it would be.

Quote:
This is just one of many warning flags, as I see them
Could not ignore your warning flags. I think if you are THIS bent out of shape over a guy you have been dating for 3 mos? And you are not having fun right now? And you don't see anything in future but FWB and you want more than that?

Could accept he's not the one. Could cut your losses and move on because you are not comfortable here. Find the one ye seek that is actually compatible.

But that's me. You have to make up your own mind.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-29-2014 at 04:33 AM.
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Old 01-29-2014, 04:41 AM
XCountrygirl XCountrygirl is offline
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GalaGirl - the three month thing doesn't bother me, as I dated my husband for three months before I married him (and I dated my ex for seven before being married for three -that's years), but the words don't seem to match the actions. And, the BF tells me all the time i'm more than a FWB, but it doesn't feel that way. But you're right in that what I was expecting and have been shown so far don't match up. Wow - I've got some thinking to do. Thx!
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Old 01-29-2014, 05:30 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Honestly 3 months is a little soon to be professing that you want to buy someone a ring.

You all are still in the honeymoon phase. You honestly have not seen each other at your worst.

If things are strained now when everything should be all rainbows and butterflies you may want to take a serious look at the relationship .
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Old 01-29-2014, 07:00 AM
london london is offline
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Yes, it's been three months and you want him wearing physical signs of your commitment like he does his wife. It's you throwing up red flags here. Back off, calm down, maybe in two years
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Old 01-29-2014, 12:02 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Just because you fall hard and fast doesn't mean he does.

He is a sub so he is trained to do what he is told. So he may be telling you what you want to hear but his actions are telling you he is uncomfortable with the speed you are pushing for.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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Old 01-29-2014, 01:05 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Be careful of moving so fast--sure, it can work, but it can also lead to heartbreak. The person I opened my marriage to be with threw up the same red flag--said we were totally more than fuckbuddies, imagined us together a long time, etc., but she didn't treat me that way after the first few months/initial big seduction. I left her after 5 months because I could see she was full of shit. I was just a fuckbuddy to her and would never be a love. Wait and see if he steps up to the proverbial plate, step back, forget rings and commitments for now.
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Old 01-29-2014, 01:42 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Is he generally not the romantic type? N doesn't wear jewelery and if a gf gave him some he wouldn't wear it. He has a wedding ring tattoo but he wouldn't get a tattoo for anyone else. He has a gf but they don't go on dates very often (usually i invite her with us when he and I go ou t) and he's only said he's loved her twice in the year and half they've been together. He doesn't buy gifts for people and he doesn't treat on dates he does go on. (Dutch only)

He's just not a mushy kind of person and he's not going to romance anyone, including me.
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Old 01-29-2014, 02:57 PM
XCountrygirl XCountrygirl is offline
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Thanks for all the replies so far. I'll try and address the questions that were raised.

First, I am not asking him to wear a ring now. We were discussing it in future terms.

Secondly, he's the romantic mushy one, not I. He was the first to say, "I love you" (and left me totally gob smacked, I might add). He was the one to want to commit first. I've been fighting any strong declarations of love the entire way. I'm not a demonstrative person, and he is,and it has taken some adjusting on my end, because I'm not comfortable with displays of affection.

Thirdly, I agree with everybody that this has progressed too quickly. How does one back off, cool things down, without hurting the other?

Thanks again for the replies.
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Old 01-29-2014, 03:32 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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He might be a romantic, mushy person, but not that into giving gifts. Have you heard of the Five Love Languages (useful link here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) Gary Chapman who wrote the book suggests there are common patterns on how people express and receive love. Someone who touches to show love - their main pattern would be Physical Touch. Someone who does things for their partner is showing love through their Acts of Service. I need a certain amount of time with partner - Quality Time. Someone who feels loved when they receive gifts is someone with Receiving Gifts.

Most people tend to be stronger in one or two love languages but it is also totally possible to be a mixture or to have several love languages be strong. There are tests at the link to see where you might fit in.

The reason this is important is that our love languages help shape how we understand we are loved. If someone is telling us they love us in languages we don't 'speak', then we may not actually feel loved. If we don't receive love from others in ways we can comprehend, we don't feel loved, or as loved.

I suspect this dynamic might be going on. One of your love languages might be Receiving Gifts and he's not doing that, so you are hurt and not feeling loved. But if he is a Words of Affirmation guy, he is literally telling you how much he loves you, how important you are to him, how awesome you are.

Look over the website and see if this makes sense to you. You might be having communciation of love issues. (Chapman's background is Christian and monogamy only is his default - however I still found the book very helpful. It's commonly found in libraries too.)
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