Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 03-29-2013, 05:35 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 86
Default

Thanks everyone for the replies, and the perspective. It is exactly what I needed. I completely own that I posted this in a moment of feeling very sorry for myself, and with anxiety about whether it would ever change. I was hoping you all would talk me off the ledge, so to speak, and you have done that beautifully. LOL

To answer some of your questions...

I'm also a little unclear on what you mean about

Quote:
His wife does know that we have a relationship, but on a very limited level.
Does this mean she doesn't really know how far it's gone between you two, or how far you two plan on taking it eventually?

Are you saying her knowledge is very limited or that your relationship with her husband is very limited?


She knows that we have known each other since we were 12. That we were best friends in high school, and were "make-out" friends at the time (for lack of a better term). She calls me his "true friend". We did not have actual sex, but we came close. She knows now that we have feelings for each other, he has told her that he has always loved me, and that we want the opportunity to spend time together and explore that. She set her boundaries around that (no intercourse, kissing and cuddling ok, kids cant know, dont "get caught", etc.). He tells her when we have met up, not always beforehand but always after. She has said that she does not want to talk about it ad nauseum or even daily. She wants to know if things progress, and seems willing to talk about those things. She even said that the above boundaries are not set in stone and could change. I think the pressure he feels is trying to completely hide it from the kids, not because she has placed overt restrictions.

Have you stopped to consider this from the wife's perspective? Or the affects of all of this on your husband, your children, this guy, his wife, their children? I get the impression both your husband and his wife are not terribly enthusiastic about this.

Absolutely! I consider all of those things every day. He has legitimate concerns about how his children would feel if they found out. They are teens, and one of his kids is very sensitive and needs therapy for her own reasons. For that reason alone, I would never truly jeopardize his home life, and I have told him clearly that I would completely back off if that is what was needed.


"I feel very selfish even asking for that. I feel I have been very loving and supportive, have spent countless hours helping everyone else feel good, making sure that other people feel good and safe."
But have you done it with the intention of pushing everyone along to giving you what you want?


No, not at all. I have approached it with a genuine desire to ease pain, to help them understand what is happening, and to give them some perspective on how I feel and what is possible. I love these men with all my heart, and I truly wish to have them both in my life. My husband has always really had me to himself, and to open up after all this time is hard for him, but he is really trying. He reads websites, prints our articles and brings them home for discussion, and is actively asking for what he needs, including snuggle time, sexual time, and date nights. Heis doing his very best, and we are working on things day by day. We are both committed to stay and make it work, both for each other, and for our children.

My BF, he has always shared me with someone. He never had me to himself, as we never truly dated and became a couple. Our previous relationship as teens was always as a default setting. When neither of us was dating someone else, we always fell back to each other. It was always safe, and natural, and worked for us. In some ways, I consider him to be my first poly relationship, even though we didnt know it at the time what to call it. When I have asked him, over and over, "is this all really okay for you? How do you feel about being with me and knowing I'm also with him?" he responds with "Yes, I am really okay with all of this. We have always done it this way, you and I." In many ways, I do think that he could be a better fit for me as a primary partner, just for this reason, but in reality I have no idea if he would feel the same if I *was* his primary partner....


I feel like he can always ask, but make sure she knows its not an ultimatum, that we are just exploring the options available to us.
What happens if your very understanding reassurance to her that it's not an ultimatum is met with her solid, "No?"


I have said from the beginning that if she gives a veto, I would back off. He, then, would be in a place to make a decision about where he wants to be. I would not pressure him to come and be with me, or even to leave her unless that was something he wanted to do for himself. But he honestly does not know what he would do. He is not happy in that marriage, but he feels strongly that maintaining his family life for his kids is paramount. I would honor that, without question.

I am going to play devils advocate here. Does she really know, have YOU spoken with her. He may be not telling everything thats going on. There are just 2 many pieces here that dont quite tie together.

I have not spoken with her directly. I was planning to contact her in the next week or so to just touch base and let her know the lines of communication are open. He has told me of their conversations, and I do trust him. I have known him 30 years. He has no reason to lie to me, he knows that it is not worth it, or necessary. I can understand how it would look as though he is not being completely honest with everyone. And I dont expect him to tell me everything that happens there, it is his marriage and its up to him to manage it in the best way that works for them. It's not my place to come between them.

Bottom line, we are all trying. It is not easy. And, like yesterday when I posted, sometimes the pressure gets to me in an ugly way. I appreciate the Veruca Salt link, that was actually pretty perfect. My inner child usually shows up as Angelica from the Rugrats.... hehe

Thankful,
Willow
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 03-29-2013, 11:40 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,230
Default

Quote:
Yes, I have asked him and he admits it. He feels as though BF's wife is the "slowest player" in all of this, and therefore there is no point in negotiating a boundary she would not be comfortable with. But I am going to try talking with him again tomorrow, and see if he will at least discuss what he would be comfortable with in general.
I would put it as "there is not point in EMPLOYING CHANGES across the whole polyship if the slowest player is not ready for them."

But that doesn't have to stop you and DH from just talking about where his and your feelings/comfort lines are drawn at. If anything to understand each other better.

Is he willing to talk about how he feels about things with you?

Quote:
Yup, I did that. Asked him to come to the Tattoo Nation movie next Thursday. Waiting to see if he will commit to the plan.
Fair enough. Wait then to see if he's available to see the movie.

Quote:
I am doing that now, thanks. I had a long day to think about all of this today and I realized that I am putting more on her than I should. He is new to all of this poly stuff, and just doesnt know how to do it. But I did confront him Tuesday when I saw him because we were supposed to go out this weekend, but the plan fell through when they all decided to go to family for the holiday weekend. I was really crushed that he didnt fight harder for us to have our time. I think he needs more time to think about what this all means for himself and for his family before we can more forward any more. It is far outside anything he ever thought possible in his life.
When you date a family man, he comes as a package. Could accept that, and could also let him own his end of the responsibilities. When one chooses to be a hinge person, one chooses to honor more commitments and agreements. Have to get good at time management.

You could be generous with his time and help him to meet his agreements with others. Like if he has a standing agreement with his mom for sunday dinner after church just not ask him for that time to be shared with you if another time shared with you will do just as well. Then he can keep agreements with both.

But if you are not getting the time you need with him at all -- that's on the BF. He can/cannot meet your needs at this time.

And that's something you both have to accept. "Time" is a non-human resource. What time he has available for sharing with you to grow your shared relationship in may not line up with what time you need from your Other Partner person.

That is what dating is FOR. To find those compatible. Not all of them are going to be runners and line up.

Could choose to be patient and see how this unfolds and polyshipping skills develop and grow.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-29-2013 at 11:44 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 03-30-2013, 12:45 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 86
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by
[I
Is he willing to talk about how he feels about things with you?[/I]

Problem is, he is not sure how he feels about some things. I think he is gun-shy about saying that such and such is okay, because what then if he isnt? So I think this is his way of being conservative and protecting our relationship in a way. But we keep checking in and I am trusting that at some point he will formulate his thoughts well enough to articulate them and share. Then we can really make a better plan for us all.


When you date a family man, he comes as a package. Could accept that, and could also let him own his end of the responsibilities. When one chooses to be a hinge person, one chooses to honor more commitments and agreements. Have to get good at time management.

Yes, this is true. And I realized this week that part of this is that I have never dated as a parent, with those real-life time restrictions. I have always been free to just do what I want in my relationships, so this is a learning curve for me as well. My prior poly relationship with my former husband was with a married couple with kids, but we had other arrangements in place that helped to manage the needs of those kids (younger).

But if you are not getting the time you need with him at all -- that's on the BF. He can/cannot meet your needs at this time.

Yes, this is true. But he and I are committed to this relationship, no matter what it turns out to be or how it unfolds. We have known each other too long, and spent too many years apart, to give up now. I am willing to let it be what it needs to be. I just may not like the compromises sometimes, but for me it is worth the trade off to have him.

Galagirl
Willow
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:23 PM.