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  #11  
Old 04-01-2013, 03:07 PM
feef feef is offline
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Update: DK visited this weekend. We respected the "no pants off fun" rule, and did talk about this stuff. Lo and behold, it didn't ruin our date. It was really, really good to see him - it's hard going through this stuff when I can't get the occasional hug for reassurance.

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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
It's not entirely fair for him to try and convince her, either, if she's not on board.
I've talked to him about this, namely that DK not hide is motives in moving TJ towards "more okay with feef than right now". DK wanting to make things "work" has already somewhat hurt things, I think, by deferring the poly conversation and allowing some ambiguity to our relationship. She has yet to walk away based on the poly thing, I think based on the thought of "well, he'll choose me, because we live closer and we see each other more often."

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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Do you mean bring it up with her? Have you brought it up with him?
Yes, he knows I'd like to be able to talk to her. After thinking and reading, this is a non-negotiable moving forward for me, but I don't think she's going to be okay with that. So far, DADT is what she wants, and I think DK would be unhappy long term compartmentalizing his life like that.
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  #12  
Old 04-01-2013, 06:14 PM
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That's good that DK came over and that you had an enjoyable visit. Sounds like DK's on his own with TJ, if she doesn't want to meet up with you. Keep us updated, I hope things work out.
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  #13  
Old 04-04-2013, 12:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by feef View Post
Yes, he knows I'd like to be able to talk to her. After thinking and reading, this is a non-negotiable moving forward for me, but I don't think she's going to be okay with that. So far, DADT is what she wants, and I think DK would be unhappy long term compartmentalizing his life like that.
I could never pull that off, in either direction. Your partners affect your life, and when you have any problems in your relationship, it's easy enough to carry pain over. If one partner doesn't know why you're upset, they might take it personally and misinterpret your reactions.
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  #14  
Old 04-18-2013, 01:05 AM
feef feef is offline
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Smile Limbooo

Since I get frustrated when I run into an interesting thread, but OP doesn't updated.... update!

Things are pretty limbo right now. DK and TJ are on a 'break' and aren't talking, which DK finds pretty miserable because the two of them work together. DK has been doing a lot of thinking about what his long-term relationship goals are.

We had a good talk - I feel that I can have many 'equal' people in my life, and he feels that primary/secondary makes sense in terms of life entanglement (house, career, kids, etc). He really wants a primary partner, and is pretty doubtful that I could be that primary partner, since I have WK. DK feels that the depth of the love may be equal, but anymore than being 'entangled' with one person would be confusing and he can't really imagine it.

So, we didn't talk about TJ that much. I can understand TJ distancing herself and not talking to him, because it's a crap situation, but there is probably still a part that is saying "he'll realize how miserable he is without me". Not sure how things will go, but me and DK have the communication lines up, which is good.

Thanks for the feedback so far.
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  #15  
Old 04-18-2013, 01:49 AM
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Thanks for your update, sorry you are stuck in limbo right now.
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  #16  
Old 04-18-2013, 10:00 PM
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Limbo sucks. It's agonizing on everyone involved. Distance can be a good thing to clear the head and do some prioritizing, organizing, and reflection. I do hope it works out for the best, and it is good to hear that though things are up in the air regarding TJ, you and DK are communicating effectively.

Last edited by NutBusterX; 04-18-2013 at 10:01 PM. Reason: typo
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  #17  
Old 04-19-2013, 01:08 PM
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Thanks for the supportive messages I can't believe how many posts you reply to, KDT, it's seriously impressive.

Limbo could be a lot worse, and I really don't envy DK's situation. By having me in his life, I believe that he feels that finding a primary partner will be much, much harder, since most people would turn away as soon as they found out I am in his life. TJ just exacerbates this fear, since they get along really well, but I'm a complete dealbreaker. I'm trying to reassure him that neither me or WK has him slotted as "secondary", and we won't be making huge life changing decisions without his input, but his brain automatically thinks hierarchy is natural and fine.

Ack, rant. Limbo isn't too bad for me, that's my point. DK, WK and I are going out for celebration sushi (graduating from university!), and it'll be the first time it's just the three of us, which is a little nervous making. I dunno where I should sit. #First-world-poly-problems.
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  #18  
Old 04-19-2013, 07:34 PM
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If it's a table, you could sit next to one of them and across from the other. If it's a booth, you could sit right between them.

Don't stress about it too much, have fun! Hopefully DK will get his own problems worked out eventually.
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  #19  
Old 05-06-2013, 09:50 PM
feef feef is offline
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Haha, seating arrangements sorted themselves out the instant we got there It was awesome having dinner with the two of them.

DK and TJ update: They went on a break for about 2-3 weeks, and everything cooled down quite a bit. DK realized that he probably didn't want things to continue with TJ longterm. TJ posted an article on "why it's great to be single" while on the break, so, she probably was coming to similar conclusions on her own.

DK and TJ still work together, and DK has said that it really sucks losing a friend at work, and that his days have been kind of shitty, but getting better. There is a work get away, and he's decided not to go because it would probably be awkward and bad. We're going to hang out instead.

I never spoke to TJ (in text, or phone, or person). It seems strange, and I hope when DK meets somebody in the future it goes a little differently than this time.

So, probably last update. Thank you for the support and encouragement - I know there are a lot of "please help me fix my situation" posts on here. Normally I just lurk on my own but this has been very helpful.

Cheers!
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  #20  
Old 05-07-2013, 10:42 PM
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Wishing you the best. We are here for whenever you do need help with something.
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