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  #1  
Old 03-28-2013, 12:38 PM
Polygiggles Polygiggles is offline
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Default Two failures now what

Hi, let me first apologize for the length of this question/comment/help quest. Where we are coming from: Hubby and I have been happily (mostly, lol) married for 31yrs. We have discussed the possibility of having a relationship with other people throughout our married live. I believing it more than hubby, that you can love more than one person at the same time. We, like others, began to look around in the “swinging” world as that seems to be more publicized and until more recently we thought anything “poly” was more of a religious lifestyle that was for men only, if you know what I mean lol. So our quest was somewhat at a stalemate. Then in the meantime, we hit a rocky spot in our marriage. Then to make matters worse I had an affair, brief physically ( one time) but that lasted much longer emotionally due to it being a LDR. Once our marriage hit this wall, we both worked (with the help of a counselor) to put our marriage back on solid ground. But, even though we had to “fix” us, we didn’t close the door on us having a relationship with other people. As a matter of fact, hubby was supportive of my continued relationship with the guy I had had the affair with.
After about a year, once hubby and I were feeling reconnected and back on solid ground, we began a LDR with another (first timer) couple. I had been friends online with the man for over a year and I introduced hubby to him early on in our year of recovery…no he wasn’t the guy I had the affair with. We met his wife online and after a couple months of the four of us talking and cutting up, we as a group decided to pursue a relationship. It was sometime during the early stages of this relationship we stumbled across the term Polyamorous. Long story short here…..hubby and the wife hit it off immediately. And even though the guy and I had been friends longer and cared deeply for each other, he began to have problems with the NRE his wife was experiencing. After an initial meeting in real life, where we made multiple mistakes, things really began to fall apart. We dragged things out for nearly a year hoping that the guy could work through his jealousy issues. But in the end, he just came to hate not only hubby but me as well because I supported hubby’s relationship.
That all brings us to the present, lol, if you are still reading: In the wake of this failed relationship, not having yet learned from our mistakes, we ventured into another relationship with another couple. This time however, the couple is closer (less than an hour away) and they had been in the “swinging” lifestyle for about three years. From the beginning hubby and I made it clear the type of long term, loving relationship we were seeking. This couple lead us to believe their marriage was solid and that they too wanted a fun, loving, intimate, friends first, relationship. A year later, and we are right back in the same boat we were with couple #1. Hubby and she have hit it off and are deeply in love. The guy and I didn’t fare as well. Not only is he incapable of loving someone else (his words not just mine) but they finally have admitted their marriage was in deep trouble from way before us meeting them. Even though they denied there was any problem with their marriage when we would point out things we were noticing ..ie their lack of communication, controlling and manipulative behavior on his part, nasty and sarcastic remarks on her part, lack of intimate contact, and his excessive drinking and sex addiction.
Finally, why Im telling you all of this:
1. These two failed relationships have left me feeling hurt, undesirable, rejected, angry, clingy, frustrated and alone. Some days I wish to just forget the whole thing and return to monogamy. But, I don’t feel like either myself or hubby would be completely happy that with that. Its kinda like once you’ve had a taste of the pie you want the whole thing. So, how do I pick up the pieces of my broken heart and shattered self esteem and move on without letting these failures taint any future potential relationships?
2. As of right now, couple #2 are in counseling, but she is secretively still texting and talking on the phone to hubby whenever she can, I get this. They are in love and I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same thing under the circumstances. I know that their NRE is clouding their judgment and decision making ability. However, I’m finding it very difficult to support their relationship and I’m not really sure I should be as I’m afraid it’s going to end their marriage. How can I be supportive, non-controlling and at peace with this relationship as it evolves or disintegrates?
3. Moving forward, how do I let my guard down yet protect myself from another hurtful situation? How do I deal with the insecurity and jealousy this has cause between hubby and I? (Let me clarify one thing here…hubby is a wonderful, amazing man…he’s sensitive to my feelings and goes to great lengthens to make me feel secure)
Thanks for listening and all responses that are helpful in nature will be appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 03-28-2013, 03:11 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
1. These two failed relationships have left me feeling hurt, undesirable, rejected, angry, clingy, frustrated and alone. So, how do I pick up the pieces of my broken heart and shattered self esteem and move on without letting these failures taint any future potential relationships?
Give it time. You have to go through the stages of grief for your losses. Don't just jump into another relationship.

Next time you date -- maybe you want to consider NOT dating a couple together. Date separate people who are not married to each other.

Quote:
2. As of right now, couple #2 are in counseling, but she is secretively still texting and talking on the phone to hubby whenever she can, I get this. They are in love and I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same thing under the circumstances. I know that their NRE is clouding their judgment and decision making ability. However, I’m finding it very difficult to support their relationship and I’m not really sure I should be as I’m afraid it’s going to end their marriage. How can I be supportive, non-controlling and at peace with this relationship as it evolves or disintegrates?

A polyship consists of many "mini relationships" inside it. One yucky tier will cascade and be felt across all the other tiers. Like someone flinging themselves in the water bed sending all the other people sitting on it bobbling about. In this polymath? Now that GF and her husband are rocky -- it will be felt across all tiers. Now that you and the other husband are broken up -- that will be felt across all tiers.
  • You could request (DH) not take skulking calls from GF. Talk and text OPENLY.
  • You could request (GF) not make skulking calls to DH. Talk and text OPENLY.
  • You could request from (DH + GF) that they behave in ways that honor their relationship like they are proud to be together so you too can be proud they are together too. Not skulking around like their relationship is dirty.
  • You could request from (DH + GF) that they behave in ways that honor the GF's marriage -- whether it is destined for repair or divorce, it merits respect.
  • You could tell (GFDH) that you are sorry things did not work out between you, you are sorry that his marriage is struggling, and that you hope he arrives at a healthier place regardless how the marriage turns out. You wish him no ill will.
  • You could request from (DH + GF) that they behave in ways that honor the GFDH's personhood. Whether he stays in your polyship picture in the future or not, right this minute he is still IN IT and he is hurting and he is a PERSON. Not a thing. Do not add to his burdens by behaving poorly toward him even if he's acting out because of his marriage problems.
  • You could ask GF, GFDH, and them as a couple -- how can you be supportive of them in appropriate ways as they work out their problems. Give them space to either repair the marriage or divorce without hovering. But if they need support -- walk the dog, make a casserole -- offer to do it. You could ask them what THEY want and need. Platinum rule them.
  • You could ask for the appropriate support YOU need from yourself and your polyship people in your time of loss since for you, the relationship with the GFDH folded. It may not be as big of a loss as a (maybe) divorcing marriage, but it is still a loss and you have to work through your feelings of loss and disappointment.

You can choose how you conduct yourself. You can't control how other people will react or conduct themselves, but you can be at peace inside yourself knowing that YOU are behaving correct and ethically in a hard situation.

Above all else -- treat YOU in self respecting ways through this transition and change. Self respecting behavior feeds the self esteem bucket.

Grief and loss is not fun to feel, but it will pass in time.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-28-2013 at 03:54 PM.
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  #3  
Old 03-28-2013, 04:09 PM
Lotsoflove Lotsoflove is offline
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Hi,

It wasn't even that long to read and very clearly formulated.

My point of view:
1. You see clearly what is going on. And as you write it, in both cases it wasn't the fact that you would be unattractive, but the fact they became jealous at your husband. If you date someone, and there is no click, or not enough energy to go further then just friends, you would just move on. Now that your partners end up falling madly in love, just does NOT mean, you are unattractive or anything like that. Just find someone who does like you, as i'm sure they are around.

I agree with galagirl: try dating seperate people, that would be a lot less complicated, since i would be extremely amazed if with couple dating, both partners would be equally happy with the other. (if you understand what i mean). And plus you have to deal with their issues at the same time as well.

Second, trust your instincts more than words... If you feel a marriage is in trouble (although they deny) you are either right and they are not willing to see it, or if you are wrong, it will bother you anyway that they treat each other different then you would want a relationship to be, so in that case, leave it early on.

2. That is defenitely a confusing place to be in... and I do not know any of you good enough to say anything about that, except that for me, secrets are a NO. Not in any way would i support someone who is hiding something for their significantly other (either friends, in love, or married). So if it was me, i would tell my partner how important 'not lying' is for me, and that i'm not interested in a partner who is part of a secret affair of some kind. Even though that would hurt him, and put him in a position in choosing between secrets and me. I just want no one around me who cheats in whatever way. But as i said, that is my opinion, and it might not be yours. (in my only post here, you can read, that i have quit a intimate relationship of 3 years, just for that fact, and that i'm still grieving about it..)
But anyway, i wish you a lot of good luck with finding your truth in this situation and sharing it with your husband.

3. Only you know your guard. Only you know what you need and i would just think about what you need to trust someone. Maybe just have a fantasy dialogue with the part of you that protects you, i.e. your guard.

Again, wishing you good luck in clarifying your feelings!

Lotsoflove
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