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Old 11-29-2010, 02:43 AM
MyDemonsMyAngels MyDemonsMyAngels is offline
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Default I just do not know what to do....

Okay, I really have no one else to talk to about any of this cause everyone that I am close to in my life is MONO (I am too) and thinks that I am stupid for being with a man who is poly.

Long story short about 8 months ago my BF met another woman. For the sake of the blog lets call her #2. Ok before he went out on his first date with #2 I told him that I didnt feel comfortable with them having sex (because I have never had to deal with something like that before) and he told me since I didnt feel comfortable he wouldnt have sex with her. Well...he ended up sleeping with her ANYWAYS. As a result I didnt feel comfortable with him even seeing her because I felt like he didnt even care about my feelings AND he went against what he told me. *keep in mind I have come a long way since then...*
So now 8 months and A LOT of drama later...they arent together anymore...and she really is crazy ( details if you want them) and I find out after they break up...that they saw each other when i wasnt comfortable and my BF lied to me about it....
So now.... i am left feeling....awful....and not to mention...i have SUCH a nasty taste in my mouth about poly relationships and even a worse taste in my mouth about my BFs ability to be truthful....

Please... please help me...ask questions if you would like...if i gave all the details this post would be like a novel... lol
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Old 11-29-2010, 03:21 AM
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I'm sorry that you're going through this. What he is doing doesn't sound much like poly to me. The two of you set boundaries and he broke them on more than one occasion. I think I can safely call that cheating. It is completely reasonable that you are having trouble trusting him. He broke your trust and you have no obligation to trust him until you feel secure that he will respect your boundaries. If he keeps up a cycle of breaking the rules and then apologizing I would seriously consider the implications. Everyone makes mistakes but acting like that more regularly is extremely hurtful and very disrespectful. One of the defining characteristics of poly is being open, honest and respectful. You decide with your partners where the boundaries are and it's up to you to follow them and adjust them as necessary. I am so sorry that your BF is not being honest and respectful to you.
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Old 11-29-2010, 07:58 AM
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Please don't have a nasty taste in your mouth about poly, what you experienced was not poly's fault, it was your bf's fault and the woman he chose to be with... not to mention the situation.

No kidding you don't trust him! He cheated and lied to you... that is not good poly practice. Just because you knew he was seeing her does not mean that it wasn't cheating. He cheated because he had sex with her when you asked him not to AND HE AGREED NOT TO.

Poly is about building a foundation of honesty, respect, integrity and communication, of which he fell flat. To me, if I find myself in a situation where I will not have one of those four things, then I won't do it; because it jeopardizes the foundation I have built.

You both seem to have a lot of work to do to take what you have learned and use it for next time. I would wonder if he has cheated on you or someone else before. The fact that he was so easily swayed to go with his cock over his head is a red flag to me. The thing with cheating and casual sex I have found is that it is easy to sexualize a relationship when there is no call for it and it isn't appropriate. Perhaps this is what is going on for him?
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Old 11-29-2010, 10:32 AM
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I am sooooooooooooo sorry!

There are no two ways around he, he IS a cheater. It sounds like he's using poly as a cover so he can have his cake and eat it too without doing the work needed to keep things open and above board.

Trust is one of the cornerstones of a good relationship, mono or poly. If you don't have trust there really isn't much there. Trust can be regained IF the one who's not trusted wants to put the work into being trusted again. Does he truly want to put that work in so you will trust him again? I mean REALLY work at it, not just saying the words to ease your mind.

Got to get ready for work. You know where to find me if you need me.
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Old 11-29-2010, 02:29 PM
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To me that says cheating all the way. S and I discussed exactly what was acceptable and not before I even went out with my bf. I talked to my bf and told him exactly what S and I discussed and exactly how far or how far its not gonna go. The relationship S, bf and I have as 3 people started around 18 years ago. We all know each other very well. As far as me dating(or whatever you call it) my bf, is actually very recent. And in the end it doesnt matter if I knew him 18 years or 18 days. If S is not comfy with something I dont do it. To go against what he specifically asked not to happen, well that would be cheating. And if he decided he wasnt comfy at all, well then the relationship is over with bf. I love my bf dont get me wrong. But S is my primary. He is my husband. And I respect him enough to not do anything that would make him feel uncomfy.
Im sorry for what your going through. Thats a rough situation that I know personally I would be angry in and trust issues would be a thing I might never get over. Good luck in what you decide to do. HUGS!
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Old 11-29-2010, 07:55 PM
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He cheated.
I'm poly.
I've cheated.
I know the difference between the two-
it's called HONESTY and RESPECT.

WITH honesty and respect one can be poly.
WITHOUT honestly and respect one is a cheater. (assuming sex with multiple partners here)
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Old 11-29-2010, 09:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
He cheated.
I'm poly.
I've cheated.
I know the difference between the two-
it's called HONESTY and RESPECT.

WITH honesty and respect one can be poly.
WITHOUT honestly and respect one is a cheater. (assuming sex with multiple partners here)
Maca cheated!?
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Old 11-29-2010, 11:57 PM
MyDemonsMyAngels MyDemonsMyAngels is offline
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Interestingly enough.... I have thought and said everything that you all have posted to my BF. There is a lot more to the story...like i said if i said everything it would be a novel. But why does someone lie...it just doesnt make sense ...then the person that loves me...doesnt really love me cause im not being myself....

ugh...

thanks
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Old 11-30-2010, 12:10 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Maca cheated!?
redpepper, I think LR is referring to the OP's partner when she said "he", not to Maca.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 11-30-2010 at 01:50 AM.
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Old 11-30-2010, 01:12 AM
OneUncagedBird OneUncagedBird is offline
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Default Unfortunately....

Okay, unfortunately, that is just a mono guy acting like a poly to get his way. He probably has tendencies like this in other areas of your relationship and does what he wants despite what you agree to or tell him you want. It is not a poly relationship if he pushed it on you then does what he wants despite your wishes and desires. He is just using the label to get what he wants. Peel back the label and see the man for what he really is.
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