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  #11  
Old 03-28-2013, 08:16 PM
kyrsten kyrsten is offline
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I agree with all the previous advice, and want to add that in Poly, threesomes may not even be the preferred thing... In my relationship we are far more likely to have one on one intimacy between any two of us, than to have a threesome... Life is just plain too busy, and with three children we have almost no privacy!
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  #12  
Old 03-28-2013, 10:48 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I would encourage him to read this thread. I think that both your sentiments laid out so fully and clearly, and the advice given so far, are just what he needs to see in plain language. If that's not enough to make him realize that the way he's acting is driving you away and accomplishing the opposite of his goals, then I don't know what will.
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  #13  
Old 03-29-2013, 08:46 AM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth13 View Post
For one, when I even slightly indicate that I might be interested in something like that in the future he pushes for RIGHT NOW as in calling up a male friend/acquaintance and setting something up that night or that week. I first need to know and trust ANYONE I plan to let in my life that much, not accounting if there any kind of attraction at all.

Then there is the whole if I indicate the possibility of a future threesome he immediately starts running away with the idea of orgies and wanting a female in the mix when I have explicitly indicated I would do NOTHING with a female as I am not attracted to females and that it would put me in a negative mental place due to having been molested by a female when I was a child.
Respect for your honesty.

So what I'm hearing is that if you're going to have sex with anyone, regardless of if its a 3some, you need to feel a level of trust.

Whereas J just wants to enjoy the fantasy.

Neither of you are wrong here, but I do agree with you that he is getting so wrapped up in his own fantasy that he isn't seeing your side of things.

So next question - how do you know when you trust someone? What would a person have to say or do, or what qualities would they need to demonstrate to you to give you that feeling of 'yeah...I trust this guy'?

The reason I'm asking is that once you have this insight, you can communicate it to J. Right now it's just a nebulous 'not now but maybe in the future' which doesn't give him anything to work with. Whereas if you say 'I need to trust a man in order for this to happen, and for me that means x, y and z need to happen first' then it gives him a clear picture of why you cannot go ahead right now.

I think that would most likely stop him pushing so hard in the way he is doing at the moment.
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  #14  
Old 03-29-2013, 01:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth13 View Post
For one, when I even slightly indicate that I might be interested in something like that in the future he pushes for RIGHT NOW as in calling up a male friend/acquaintance and setting something up that night or that week . . . It's like he's in his own fantasy land and not paying attention to reality and hearing what I am saying. Super frustrating.
This sounds like an OBSESSION. The fact that you two are so isolated without other friendships adds to the creep factor. You should be VERY WARY. It sounds like things could be moving toward a very abusive situation for you. Does he want to keep you in the house all the time, or get suspicious when you go out? Something is off psychologically with him, it seems. Very, very creepy. I wish you could see that (several of us have mentioned it). To say you are just frustrated tells me you are not really seeing clearly. Warning bells should be going off like crazy!

If I were you, I would tell him that he needs to address this obsession in therapy or you will postpone getting married. If he continues to be this much of an uncaring beast, WALK AWAY and break it off completely. If you keep backing down and trying to be "understanding," he will run roughshod all over you! If he is this obsessed and oblivious to your concerns now, and you don't stick to your position, he can twist everything around until you become his sex slave! Do you want to find yourself tied up and blindfolded while he brings in strangers to fuck you??? End it for your own good.

What kind of respect do you think he will give you in a month or a year if he can't respect you now? Come on, honey, open your eyes!
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-29-2013 at 01:40 PM.
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  #15  
Old 03-29-2013, 01:47 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Well gosh. 6 years together and now he's a changed man, pushing to involve you in exploring his bi nature.

I've spoken to enough bi men to know there's a population of guys out there who won't be with a man unless a woman is also present. I find it a kind of cop out, but hey, a fetish is a fetish. They aren't rational.

However! He has NO RIGHT to be pushing you, a virgin except for him, to accompany him on this journey of sexual discovery. State his desire, yes. Downplay your concerns and lack of desire for meaningless sex with a virtual stranger? NO!

Has he been watching lots of porn? The internet has brought fetishes to many people's minds and bucket lists. It all looks so easy in porn. 2 hot guys, one hot woman bringing them together, her hands putting the men's bits together, encouraging them. But honey, porn is porn. Real life is real life. You're not a porn actress.

I'd say if he really wants a guy for meaningless sex, he should start cruising and get a guy and do him. Sheesh.
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  #16  
Old 03-29-2013, 03:40 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth13 View Post
I'm worried that while I love J, is a future possible with J?
A future is always possible, but if he continues to push you into things you're not comfortable with, it will not be a happy future.

Quote:
I want him to be happy but not at the expense of my happiness.
And this is as it should be.


Quote:
Am I opposed to poly or just the idea/practice or threesomes moresomes, or both?
It's beside the point. He's pushing and pushing for things you've made it clear you're not comfortable with. I once watched a man push and cajole his wife into a horse ride, when she was clearly terrified of horses. And to my mind, pushing someone into sex is way, way, way beyond that. This is your body, your emotions, for many people sex touches something in the very heart and soul. There are health concerns. He's pushing you into something with serious consequences. He's way out of line, and whether your opposition is to poly or threesomes in particular isn't a question right now. His behavior and disrespect of your boundaries is.
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  #17  
Old 03-29-2013, 03:44 PM
Beth13 Beth13 is offline
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Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery View Post
Whereas if you say 'I need to trust a man in order for this to happen, and for me that means x, y and z need to happen first' then it gives him a clear picture of why you cannot go ahead right now.
x) Know them well enough to know what their morals are such as they will not lie, cheat, steal, harm me.. everyone he's brought in so far are COMPLETE strangers to me. I have customers at work that I know better and I only have to deal with them in a professional 'Hi! Have a nice day!' manner. Just cause he's spent more than 30 minutes and think's their 'ok' doesn't mean I will.

Y) Once the whole getting to know you phase is over and I feel I can trust that person then we can work out what's expected if we decide to go through with a relationship, ya know the whole is this a relationship or just a friends with benefits etc.

Then maybe Z can happen. Right now, no way.

Beth
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  #18  
Old 03-29-2013, 04:09 PM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth13 View Post
x) Know them well enough to know what their morals are such as they will not lie, cheat, steal, harm me.. everyone he's brought in so far are COMPLETE strangers to me. I have customers at work that I know better and I only have to deal with them in a professional 'Hi! Have a nice day!' manner. Just cause he's spent more than 30 minutes and think's their 'ok' doesn't mean I will.

Y) Once the whole getting to know you phase is over and I feel I can trust that person then we can work out what's expected if we decide to go through with a relationship, ya know the whole is this a relationship or just a friends with benefits etc.

Then maybe Z can happen. Right now, no way.

Beth
Ok...excellent. To what extent have you explicitly verbalised this to him?

It's all well and good for posters above who don't understand your situation to label him an 'uncaring beast' and encourage you to 'open your eyes' (which I find super patronising, btw)...but the truth is that none of us know quite what the reality is.

If I'm being generous towards J, I could say that he simply has a bit of a fantasy towards a threesome situation (nothing wrong with that) and he's excited at the possibility of being able to make it a reality. This doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, or that he's a bad person, or that he has the desire to totally disrespect you and 'run roughshod' over every aspect of your life.

Of course...he may have that desire too, we just don't know.

My feeling is that instead of taking the moral high ground and assuming the worst about a person (which is not uncommon for this forum), it's better to go the other way and give someone the benefit of the doubt. Give J the chance to step up to the mark and put his own excitement to one side for a second and show some empathy towards you.

But that can only start when you explicitly communicate what you want, which you did very well in your above response back to me. You can even say to him 'I know you're excited about this, which is fair enough...but I want you to put yourself in my shoes for a second...'

Then explain the above.

If he continues to ignore your fears, then you can tackle that problem at the time...but at least give him chance first to come around to your way of thinking.
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  #19  
Old 03-29-2013, 04:14 PM
Beth13 Beth13 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
If I were you, I would tell him that he needs to address this obsession in therapy or you will postpone getting married. If he continues to be this much of an uncaring beast, WALK AWAY and break it off completely. If you keep backing down and trying to be "understanding," he will run roughshod all over you! If he is this obsessed and oblivious to your concerns now, and you don't stick to your position, he can twist everything around until you become his sex slave! Do you want to find yourself tied up and blindfolded while he brings in strangers to fuck you??? End it for your own good.

What kind of respect do you think he will give you in a month or a year if he can't respect you now? Come on, honey, open your eyes!
I have tried to get him to go to a therapist in the past when he first came out because he was behaving in a irrational way (he is manic depressive and was going through a mania/depressed phase then). We did find one he was comfortable with who has experience with alternate lifestyles to see on a one to one basis with. He said it helped. The only concern I had with this was he refused to do any couples therapy (even when the therapist asked). I'm concerned if he's actually telling things like they are or just his fantasy interpretation of things. I would LOVE to do a couples therapy session just so I could have a unbiased person there to see/hear/interpret things. I know I am not the best when it comes to verbal communication/expression but I don't think I'm as bad as he's making me feel I am. He stopped seeing her because we couldn't afford to pay for the sessions. But now that he's gotten a promotion maybe I can talk him to going back at least once a month, should be able to afford that.

I don't think he's deliberately being disrespectful I think he just doesn't see what he's doing as disrespectful. I feel if he was made aware that what he's doing was disrespectful he would stop or correct himself.

I don't think he would go so far as to manipulate me into being a sex slave. He can be manipulative but NOT that manipulative. I'm a pretty strong willed person for the most part, my close family and loved ones being the only weakness. But even they know I have a limit to what I will tolerate. And when he has pushed for things and I have strongly opposed something he does back off. My problem is I do not like the fact that he keeps coming back later after I've calmed down. Makes me feel like I should be on guard or something.

Beth
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  #20  
Old 03-29-2013, 05:29 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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If this is your first relationahip, you have nothing to compare it to, and this is all you have to base your idea of what is "healthy" or "usual" (i prefer "usual" to "normal"). It can be hard to figure out what to do next, where to go from here, or whether to move on from this relationship.

All I have to say is, you are still young, you have hopefully a long life ahead of you, and now is the time you make choices that you will look back on in 10-20 years and say "if I had to do it all over again, would I do it the same or would I do something different". You will have to live with that, no one else will.

I'm not sure if this helps you, but maybe it will help someone reading or lurking.
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