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  #31  
Old 11-30-2010, 07:22 PM
neohio44122 neohio44122 is offline
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Originally Posted by Penny View Post
My main objection to the OP's boundaries is that she isn't comfortable with the poly situation in the first place and the proposed boundaries don't actually address the underlying problem.
I agree. I would suggest that she googles to see if there is a active poly group in her area. We joined a poly group years ago, they helped me with my issues.
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  #32  
Old 11-30-2010, 07:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Penny View Post
My main objection to the OP's boundaries is that she isn't comfortable with the poly situation in the first place and the proposed boundaries don't actually address the underlying problem.

This makes the boundaries arbitrary.

I don't think that they will help until the underlying issues are resolved, one way or another. Rules are not a substitute for deep examination when it comes to dealing with insecurities.

I believe there is such a thing as reasonable boundaries, but they must have coherent reasons behind them.
Hence making the boundaries temporary with a firm date to revisit them and adjust. This way it give time for the person struggling to do that deep examination and address the underlying problem. If one feels that they are drowning in a situation they aren't going to be able to tackle the big questions at best and at worse they are going to become more and more defencive and set up more and more walls.
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  #33  
Old 11-30-2010, 07:38 PM
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So most of what we are talking about to me is the difference between boundaries, compromises and rules... all very different and something I have thought about and talked about a lot. I think I will write about it on my blog for further reference as I seem to feel the need to repeat myself quite often and then just cut and paste . Of course, you all don't have to agree with me, but I have found breaking it down has really helped establish for me what I am really talking about and has helped me to describe to who I'm with what it is that I want to discuss in negotiating.

Compromise to me is what we do before a boundary is agreed upon. It's the space between something coming up and getting to the point of comfortably sitting in an established relationship dynamic. It's the space where everything stops and no one moves forward until there is communication. It isn't comfortable for one or the other, but isn't meant to be... what the goal is that discussion/communication will happen until there is a balance of semi-comfort for both parties (or more) so that there can be movement forward in a relationship.

Boundaries for me are what is established at the end of negotiation of compromise. It's the end result that is known to be fluid but that I can sit in and try out for a while, knowing that my partner is somewhat comfortable and willing to see if something works. Quite often the new boundary is like a young seedling that needs nurturing together in order to grow into a strong tree that everyone is comfortable with and needs no more discussion about. When negotiations and communication has occurred to the point of a boundary being set, I know that my partner (s) feel comfortable in the knowledge that they have been heard, respected, considered and cared for. I should come out of the discussion feeling the same way and if I don't or they don't, then there is still a compromise going on and I still need to encourage talking... sometimes a break is needed before jumping in again as it is quite exhausting.

Rules are ultimatums and completely off the table for me. I have never done well in a relationship where their are rules, unless I am setting them, in terms of BDSM otherwise they have no place in my relationships. I will not be with someone who attempts to set rules, unless they are willing to turn to communication and negotiation that would bring us to compromising with the future goal of setting boundaries that work for the us. If they are unwilling then I will not stay with them. Simple as that. My life is my own and they will not be a part of it.

Anyway, hope that helps Glow?
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Last edited by redpepper; 11-30-2010 at 07:43 PM.
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  #34  
Old 11-30-2010, 07:54 PM
neohio44122 neohio44122 is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Hi Neohio. I hope you don't read this as a challenge or debate but I would like to call on this comment to try to explore a point.

By saying you don't understand the concept of boundaries, I am assumng that that doesn't mean your wife has an open slate to do whatever with her boyfriend. What if they spur of the moment want to engage another couple in sex? Would you not expect to be consulted in that? Wanting to be consulted can be seen as a boundary if that is the case. I understand not trying to limit what partners can do sexually within the confines of thier relationship, but do you extend that absence of boundaries to whoever they want to engage whenever?
My wife is not into casual sex, that wouldn't happen. She did go to a Jack and Jill party with her boy friend and masturbated with 2 other couples. She told me afterwards, I was fine with it.

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Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
Aha! here is an example of a reasonable boundary/standard. Being informed of an activity that involves people not inside of whatever poly relationship type you have is not limiting. I have standards but I dont consider those boundaries. I'd expect my partner to want to communicate to me without the expectation of change but with the hope to tackle things as a team. So as far as being consulted of some activity's sounds more like a standard to me.

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I agree with polytriad, standards are not boundaries. Sometimes poly people treat the 3rd person(secondary) like they are irrelevant, they have needs to. I try to make my metamour fell welcome and invite him into our lives. We both love the same person, and she love both of us.
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  #35  
Old 11-30-2010, 07:57 PM
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Originally Posted by neohio44122 View Post
My wife is not into casual sex, that wouldn't happen. She did go to a Jack and Jill party with her boy friend and masturbated with 2 other couples. She told me afterwards, I was fine with it.

.
Cool, thanks for clarifying
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  #36  
Old 12-01-2010, 10:36 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
OP I get where you're coming from and having a hard time wrapping your head around your boyfriend finding love in different ways than you do. I personally don't think there's a problem setting a temporary boundary under the condition that you are going to work on why casual sex is a trigger for you.

Set a date to revisit the boundary and be open to adjusting it as you feel more comfortable in yourself. This goes back to moving at the speed of the slowest person. It really is ok to not be comfortable with things right off the bat, as long as you're willing to work on yourself and talk to each other so that you can both be happy and comfortable in the relationship.
I think maybe a temp boundry is a nice idea. its good to see things in shades of grey
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  #37  
Old 12-01-2010, 10:38 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
So most of what we are talking about to me is the difference between boundaries, compromises and rules... all very different and something I have thought about and talked about a lot. I think I will write about it on my blog for further reference as I seem to feel the need to repeat myself quite often and then just cut and paste . Of course, you all don't have to agree with me, but I have found breaking it down has really helped establish for me what I am really talking about and has helped me to describe to who I'm with what it is that I want to discuss in negotiating.

Compromise to me is what we do before a boundary is agreed upon. It's the space between something coming up and getting to the point of comfortably sitting in an established relationship dynamic. It's the space where everything stops and no one moves forward until there is communication. It isn't comfortable for one or the other, but isn't meant to be... what the goal is that discussion/communication will happen until there is a balance of semi-comfort for both parties (or more) so that there can be movement forward in a relationship.

Boundaries for me are what is established at the end of negotiation of compromise. It's the end result that is known to be fluid but that I can sit in and try out for a while, knowing that my partner is somewhat comfortable and willing to see if something works. Quite often the new boundary is like a young seedling that needs nurturing together in order to grow into a strong tree that everyone is comfortable with and needs no more discussion about. When negotiations and communication has occurred to the point of a boundary being set, I know that my partner (s) feel comfortable in the knowledge that they have been heard, respected, considered and cared for. I should come out of the discussion feeling the same way and if I don't or they don't, then there is still a compromise going on and I still need to encourage talking... sometimes a break is needed before jumping in again as it is quite exhausting.

Rules are ultimatums and completely off the table for me. I have never done well in a relationship where their are rules, unless I am setting them, in terms of BDSM otherwise they have no place in my relationships. I will not be with someone who attempts to set rules, unless they are willing to turn to communication and negotiation that would bring us to compromising with the future goal of setting boundaries that work for the us. If they are unwilling then I will not stay with them. Simple as that. My life is my own and they will not be a part of it.

Anyway, hope that helps Glow?
Wow THis is REALLY helpful. I didnt realize what a world of difference it makes to distinct these rules from boundries and compromises. Do you mind if I email this post to P and N? or I can just summarize... that works fine as well !
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  #38  
Old 12-01-2010, 11:08 PM
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Be my guest Glow, its for public consumption.
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