Reasonable Boundaries

[nightwalker]

you may have to iron out both your definitions of polyamory. to some its more casual and distant and not everyone knowing everyone else or not having to disclose everything. to others its about the couple adding more deep meaningful relationships to create a poly family.

[redpepper]

Wow, I have to go to work and so much to say... I hate that... stupid work.

Originally Posted by polytriad

Rarely do I disagree with redpepper but here I do. You should think about why this boundaries is something that you need before discussing it...what is the point of talking to someone about how you feel if they can just continue on like you didnt say anything? You already identified you differ in the realm of casual sex right? How would you feel if you were told that it makes your partner uncomfortable that you didnt have causal sex the first time you meet someone? .....

I already assumed that she had thought about why she needed some boundaries before hand. I'm not so sure that just starting to talk about stuff is a bad idea... often it makes us vulnerable to just express how we feel without really knowing why, but because we are in the emotions of it at the time. That way a process can occur and we can get to the bottom of it together. Boundaries should always be fluid I think and this should be assumed, said, and then assumed for there on in. If she is struggling then she has every right to say so no?

Other notes with no time to quote people;
I think that often some people are not as confident or don't have the same depth of love as others for others. To think that we should blow off the feelings we have I think is dangerous in my opinion. I don't think sucking it up and just dealing is ever a way to create more depth and connection in our lives. That comes with struggle and working on things like boundaries.

I find that some of the poly community is big on bowling over peoples jealousy and other hard emotions so that they can have freedom to be with whomever above all. While I admire this to one extent I wonder about the depth of relationship, the quality of relationship and whether or not the relationship is simply low grade. Where is the love in blowing off the emotions of those that we say we love?

I have been thinking about that a lot lately and have been studying it (see my blog of the last week or so). I think that we should always make ourselves as vulnerable as we feel comfortable to others in order to achieve the most out of our life. If we don't and try and safe face all the time then we are left with low grad experiences and walk through life numb.

The OP is struggling and hurt, why should she not see if she can ease that with her partners help. If he is not willing to look at this with her and is not willing to respect her feelings then I wonder if this partner is a good match for her.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I find that some of the poly community is big on bowling over peoples jealousy and other hard emotions so that they can have freedom to be with whomever above all. While I admire this to one extent I wonder about the depth of relationship, the quality of relationship and whether or not the relationship is simply low grade. Where is the love in blowing off the emotions of those that we say we love?

It seems that people take their OWN jealousy seriously, but when it comes to a partner's jealousy, it's viewed simply as an obstacle or an "elephant in the room" that the partner "needs to deal with" so that the person can move their social life forward. "How can I help my partner with his or her jealousy so that I can go do what I want without coming home to drama?" It should be "How can I be the best partner I can be so that even when he or she feels jealous, he/she feels safe discussing it with me?"

I've noticed that Rarechild and Catfish are a good example of the latter. There are far too many "good examples" of the former to mention.

[polytriad]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

Forcing someone to be someone they aren't for the sake of comfort just feels wrong to me (it would be like my wife forcing me to stop having female friends, it wouldn't happen, ever). She is describing a fundamental difference in how the socialize.

Thats my 2 cents anyways.

Praise Aphrodite! I've never understood boundaries in a relationship. Its not fair to your other partner(s) that there relationship is being dictateded to appease another persons comfort level. I really think this has more to do with insecurities or other internal issues whither its jealousy,fear, paranoia....etc...matter of fact we have some boundaries that I disagree with but it is due to admitted insecurities and we are working on that with her (no names)

I've been in situations where there were boundaries and its not a good feeling to be limited on how you can express your feelings to one of your "multi love" partners. Love without limits right?

all in all if you can get your partner(s) to genuinely agree then any boundaries can be set and would be considered reasonable. Though I disagree I thought it be good to answer you question.

Spread the love
PT

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by neohio44122

I don't understand the concept of boundaries, I am mono and my wife is poly. My wife relationship with her boyfriend is their relationship;.

Hi Neohio. I hope you don't read this as a challenge or debate but I would like to call on this comment to try to explore a point.

By saying you don't understand the concept of boundaries, I am assumng that that doesn't mean your wife has an open slate to do whatever with her boyfriend. What if they spur of the moment want to engage another couple in sex? Would you not expect to be consulted in that? Wanting to be consulted can be seen as a boundary if that is the case. I understand not trying to limit what partners can do sexually within the confines of thier relationship, but do you extend that absence of boundaries to whoever they want to engage whenever?

[polytriad]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Wow, I have to go to work and so much to say... I hate that... stupid work.
I already assumed that she had thought about why she needed some boundaries before hand. I'm not so sure that just starting to talk about stuff is a bad idea... often it makes us vulnerable to just express how we feel without really knowing why, but because we are in the emotions of it at the time. That way a process can occur and we can get to the bottom of it together. Boundaries should always be fluid I think and this should be assumed, said, and then assumed for there on in. If she is struggling then she has every right to say so no?

At work now and ture it sucks...Lol Lucky I run the IT department so I'm not limited to what I do with my computer.

I agree that discussing it without the expectation of change to get down to the bottom of why a boundaries should be set with your partner(s) is an awesome idea. Vulnerability is a precious give to be given to deserving people and I'm all for it...I fee like vulnerability and a very close second to giving someone your love.

Cheers
PT

[MonoVCPHG]

Having an open relationship of whatever dynamic is seen as a gift by alot of people. In enjoying that gift is it not too much to take into account the emotional impact of our actions on those we supposedly love? And if those people we supposedly love need reassurances through things that we see as having temporarily restricting confines on our ability to enjoy that freedom, are we so caught up in our right to do whatever that we discount thier emotions? Do we leave them to deal with "their shit" on their own. If this is the case than there is definitely very different concepts of what loving someone means.

If a person looks at another person and says "hey, that's your issue, deal with it" and follows that up with "I love you" than the person being spoken too should seek help building thier self confidence and find someone who actually does love them.

Then again, if you are simply engaging in multiple relationships on surface levels, I get it. It's something without limits but I doubt it's love.

[polytriad]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Hi Neohio. I hope you don't read this as a challenge or debate but I would like to call on this comment to try to explore a point.

By saying you don't understand the concept of boundaries, I am assumng that that doesn't mean your wife has an open slate to do whatever with her boyfriend. What if they spur of the moment want to engage another couple in sex? Would you not expect to be consulted in that? Wanting to be consulted can be seen as a boundary if that is the case. I understand not trying to limit what partners can do sexually within the confines of thier relationship, but do you extend that absence of boundaries to whoever they want to engage whenever?

Aha! here is an example of a reasonable boundary/standard. Being informed of an activity that involves people not inside of whatever poly relationship type you have is not limiting. although depending on the relationship type certain things might already be known factors. "Talk to me before you discipline my children" "let me know if you meet someone new" "monogamy within our v, triad..and so on" this also skates on the lines of standards. I have standards but I dont consider those boundaries. I'd expect my partner to want to communicate to me without the expectation of change but with the hope to tackle things as a team. So as far as being consulted of some activity's sounds more like a standard to me.

Love without limits
PT

[Penny]

My main objection to the OP's boundaries is that she isn't comfortable with the poly situation in the first place and the proposed boundaries don't actually address the underlying problem.

This makes the boundaries arbitrary.

I don't think that they will help until the underlying issues are resolved, one way or another. Rules are not a substitute for deep examination when it comes to dealing with insecurities.

I believe there is such a thing as reasonable boundaries, but they must have coherent reasons behind them.

[Derbylicious]

OP I get where you're coming from and having a hard time wrapping your head around your boyfriend finding love in different ways than you do. I personally don't think there's a problem setting a temporary boundary under the condition that you are going to work on why casual sex is a trigger for you.

Set a date to revisit the boundary and be open to adjusting it as you feel more comfortable in yourself. This goes back to moving at the speed of the slowest person. It really is ok to not be comfortable with things right off the bat, as long as you're willing to work on yourself and talk to each other so that you can both be happy and comfortable in the relationship.