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  #11  
Old 03-27-2013, 06:20 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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Thank you again for your kind and thoughtful words. A few of my close friends have said "I think you know what you need to do" and what I've heard here seems to echo that.

I am still afraid FOR him, too...the last time we talked, he seems to be justifying his possible involvement with this person, for instance: "Well, people who have had it longer don't shed virally as much, and X percentage of the population has it/has been exposed to it, and she had a partner for X amount of years and he never got it..." (oh? How do you know? How does SHE know? Sigh.)

I have explained to him that one of my former metamours contracted HSV genitally, from oral sex, and that this is part of the reason that I take this extremely seriously. From what I understand, it can be painful and debilitating and I do not want to risk that happening to me.
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  #12  
Old 03-27-2013, 06:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I have explained to him that one of my former metamours contracted HSV genitally, from oral sex, and that this is part of the reason that I take this extremely seriously. From what I understand, it can be painful and debilitating and I do not want to risk that happening to me.
Fair enough. You do not want this so you choose your behavior to protect YOU from this.

Quote:
I am still afraid FOR him, too...the last time we talked, he seems to be justifying his possible involvement with this person, for instance: "Well, people who have had it longer don't shed virally as much, and X percentage of the population has it/has been exposed to it, and she had a partner for X amount of years and he never got it..." (oh? How do you know? How does SHE know? Sigh.)
It is frustrating to care for someone who does not seem to value themselves and their well being as much as you do. But his behavior is on him. He chooses his behavior. He lives with the consequences.

You could step out of the line of fire to protect you so you don't have to bear those consequences directly.

Best would be zero people going down with the ship.

If he's hell bent to go down with the ship, that is ONE person going down with the ship then.

You making it TWO people going down with the ship is not an improvement upon just one person going down. You can swim for the shore instead.

Because if you are going to be worrying about him either way? Could at least get YOU to safety and worry from the shore then.

Take care of you.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-27-2013 at 06:35 PM.
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  #13  
Old 03-28-2013, 04:58 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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Thank you again, Galagirl. One of the other hardest parts of this for me has been that the whole point of multiple relationships is that an existing relationship does not have to be shunted aside/abandoned for a new one, yet that feels like exactly what he's done. I am hurting so badly right now; it's hard to imagine why he ever said that he loved or cared about me, if he was willing to push me aside for someone new and risk my health in the process.

I still haven't heard from him, except for an apology delivered via e-mail. He says he wants to talk but doesn't want to get unnecessarily sidetracked. We were supposed to both be going to a social occasion this weekend - something I'd very much looked forward to - but I don't think I can bring myself to go. And I just keep wondering what's going on, what he's thinking and feeling (and if he is involved with anyone else, especially that person.) I can't shake the feeling that he is just going to do whatever he wants (whether it's a risk to our relationship/either of our health, or not) and then tell me later, and I'm not handling that well right now. I am feeling so lost.
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  #14  
Old 03-28-2013, 05:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you feel lost. I know it is hard to feel.

Quote:
the whole point of multiple relationships is that an existing relationship does not have to be shunted aside/abandoned for a new one, yet that feels like exactly what he's done.
Yep. I don't have to punch you in the head. But if I go ahead and do it anyway? Well, I did it, didn't I?

Sigh.

Coming to terms with the fact that he is going to do as he pleases with no consideration for you is hard to come to terms with. He says one thing (I love you) and then does another (less than loving and kind behaviors).

You could accept that is what it IS here. Mixed message land and when that happens -- you go with ACTIONS because talk is cheap.

You don't have to love it that it is happening. It just IS happening.

If you don't want to go to this social function because things between you are not cool, do not go at all, or do not go as his date. Go alone. Take someone else.

Protect yourself, ok? He's not going to. It is up to you then.

Swim for shore. Don't get new punches in the head.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
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  #15  
Old 03-29-2013, 09:15 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiona View Post
I am still afraid FOR him, too...
That's understandable, but he's an adult and he has to make his own choices and live with the consequences of those choices. One of the hardest things about being friends with some people is watching them go through mistakes that you know how to prevent, but being powerless to stop them because they have to learn things for themselves. It just sucks that some of those mistakes have irreversible consequences.

Quote:
the last time we talked, he seems to be justifying his possible involvement with this person, for instance: "Well, people who have had it longer don't shed virally as much, and X percentage of the population has it/has been exposed to it, and she had a partner for X amount of years and he never got it..."
Some people have natural immunities to certain infections. I don't know about HSV specifically, but I don't see why it would be any different. There are people, primarily in Africa, who have a natural immunity to HIV. Their immune systems work completely differently, no t-cells at all, so the very thing that HIV infects is absent in their systems.

So just because one person didn't get an infection doesn't mean the infection can't be transmitted. Or even that that person didn't become a Herpes Mary.
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  #16  
Old 03-30-2013, 06:20 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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We have talked a bit. He asked me if I would be attending the social event (I didn't and still don't know.) We are supposed to talk in person sometime next week. I am terrified of this; I feel like he is just waiting to break up with me in person. As difficult as this has been, I love him and want to try to fix things. I am devastated.
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  #17  
Old 03-31-2013, 12:16 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you hurt.

It's a reality of the Universe -- your 100% effort towards holding up your side of the stick in a relationship? Still only one side of the stick being help up.

He has to hold his side end of the stick too. A relationship cannot fly without all sides of responsibility sticks held up. All the needs are not going to be met like that -- players are just not compatible.

If it is best for BOTH your best long term healths to let go of the relationship -- it will be ok for you to let it go. It's not fun to FEEL. Break ups are not fun. But you will be ok post break up.

Right now you are fearing a break up. Why not just call and ask? "When we meet next week in person, what are we talking about exactly? Breaking up or fixing things? Just so I can begin to prepare myself for the conversation."

Then you can KNOW what to expect and not spend energies "what iffing."

You might not feel TONS better, but a little bit of the burden could be alleviated.
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-31-2013 at 12:18 AM.
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  #18  
Old 04-03-2013, 03:47 AM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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Had that call, as I was exhausted by waiting and sick of hoping. He's done. He's justifying everything. I don't even know who he is anymore. I hate myself for trusting him and being vulnerable to him; I hate myself even more for practically begging him to reconsider and work things out. I am shattered.
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  #19  
Old 04-03-2013, 03:56 AM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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He also said that I "made him choose" between me and the person with an STI with whom he was intimate and then violated my consent, because I said that I did not want to take that risk. I didn't make him do anything, and I feel like he has been choosing her for months now. I feel like he's throwing away our relationship for something new and shiny. When we first met, he told me that he took this sort of thing very seriously because he had a lot of years and partners ahead of him, and that he wanted to be informed and cautious. And now...I don't believe him. I want to, but I don't. And feeling like he is choosing not only something new but something potentially dangerous to his health (and the health of his other partners, including me - though I suppose not anymore - is frightening.) I don't know who he is anymore. And yet I still want things to be better. This is so confusing and agonizing.
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  #20  
Old 04-03-2013, 04:50 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you are going through the stages of grief. Anger is just one of the many feelings you are going to process as you work through all the stages. It's ok. Don't talk down to yourself for having loved as best you can.

You did not make him choose his behavior of breaking agreements. He chose that behavior. You held him accountable to shared agreement and in the taking of account? His behavior came short. Behavior done/not done.

You are not willing to be a concurrent lover if he cannot take safer sex precaution. It is a limit. He chooses to not have to honor that limit? So be it then. You cannot be together.

You stayed true to YOU and what you value here. He just doesn't value the same things.

You are not a horrible person for having loved. It is disappointing, yes. But you are not horrible. The feelings are horrible to feel... but could let it blow on through as best you can. It will pass. The internal storm will clear in time. Take all the time you need to heal. Do your self care. Things WILL get better for you.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-03-2013 at 04:53 AM.
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