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  #21  
Old 11-28-2010, 08:49 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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The only thing I would like to add is that you are not only allowed to be exactly who you are, but I encourage it... if you are not a slut, then you are not a slut.

Please don't think that by forcing yourself to be a slut that you are doing yourself a favour and everyone else too. That is the biggest bit of bullshit I can possibly imagine and incredibly damaging. There is no reason that you need to play into the whole mainstream thing (that slut culture and some sex positive communities portray) that is being taught today and that is that if we as women don't allow others to objectify and use our bodies for play and sport that we are worthless and useless.

Please don't settle for any other love from others that doesn't start from what is in your values, philosophy of life and what kind of character you have... to expect this and ask for this is far more empowering. It makes you grow like a beautiful flower and creates energy that sometimes brings out who you are sexually from a GOOD place, rather than a forced place.

Please see the posts on my blog (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3421) that I just wrote about becoming a more authentic person and the journey I have had to become a person with sexual boundaries.. I have been through a long journey that started in a place you are at today and I finally have found what it means to really be a slut.... FOR ME. Not to keep a man or fit in... I'm about to turn 41 and have lived much of the life that you are about to embark on. Please take the gift of my wisdom on this and use what you can. ADD or not, you do not have to live for other people.
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  #22  
Old 11-29-2010, 03:16 AM
Rachelina Rachelina is offline
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Wow....great post, redpepper!

Bunny, you asked, "how can he help me?" The main thing he can do is try to make you feel loved. I am in the same situation as you - trying to accept my husband being poly. I did feel less loved at first, but in the course of our working things out, I've come to feel MORE loved, and that has made all the difference. Without that, I could never have opened up to this possibility.

The other thing that has helped is becoming friends with his girlfriend. That way I feel like my life is enriched too, not just his.

I also have a very similar background to you in terms of relationship experience and insecurity. Part of what made this so hard in the beginning was that it opened up all my old insecurities. It also made me realize that I was much too emotionally dependent on my husband, and that I need to find love and happiness in other places - primarily, in myself. It sounds like you need to do some of this inner work, too.
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  #23  
Old 11-29-2010, 05:16 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Confused , I am gonna take a different tack to what others are saying and say something that I have a gut feeling about on this one.
I think you are with the wrong person.
I don't think this man will EVER make you feel good about yourself. This does happen, we make mistakes. There are lots of lovely people out there for you, mono or poly.
You deserve a chance at better.
Some others might feel this reply is less than useful for you, but I'm just being honest.
Good luck with your life.
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  #24  
Old 11-29-2010, 07:12 AM
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good on you vodkafan. Agreed.
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  #25  
Old 12-01-2010, 07:59 PM
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Selene Selene is offline
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I'm pretty new to poly and I came to it more as a very sudden solution. Maybe you can glean something from my experience.


In my past, I've been abused- sexually and mentally. This has made me shy away from males and lean more towards women. Even though I was married and totally commited to Andulvar, we would have sex with other women (one was Marius, whom I'm dating now). However, I couldn't make that leap to an actual relationship....I couldn't get past myself. We established one rule: if it impacted our relationship, we don't do it.

After talking a lot to Andulvar and Marius (as well as my 6 other lovers) I just leapt into it. Many people would say that this was a bad decision however, we all went very slow and Andulvar was and still is very tolerant with my limits. I came to find that this feel natural to me and I don't think I could go back to being mono.

As I read more of your posts, I'm not sure if your husband will go this slow with you. Of course you know him much better than I do but I urge you to take a hard look at him. The bottom line is, if YOU do not want to be poly then YOU do not have to. Do not let him make you feel shitty just because you're not comfortable.

I hope this helps somewhat and best of luck.
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  #26  
Old 12-01-2010, 11:08 PM
FitChick FitChick is offline
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Does your husband want 'relationships' with other women or just one off sexual contact(swinging)? I think its very importsnt to define EXACTLY what he wants,before moving forward.
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  #27  
Old 12-04-2010, 04:17 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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What I got from your first post is that he dismisses your feelings, accuses you of cramping his style and tells you you,re boring and disgusting (or makes you feel like you are). If you don't fee loved and appreciated you can NOT be happy with poly (and I wouldn't think you could be happy with mono either).
If he wants to have several relationships, he should work on making this one work. Making you feel worthless and like a failure is not the way to go. I think you need a lot of comfort and reassurance if you ever do end up in a mono/poly relationship (and even if you don't, considering your backstory, it seems you could use a self-esteem boost).

I would work on that first. You need to make sure you will remain a priority after you open your relationship, if you ever do. Problem is, it already seems like you're not a priority NOW...

I can relate to his feelings to some extent (I felt really trapped when I was in a mono relationship with my husband) but he needs to understand that you can't feel comfortable with it if he keeps sending a message that sounds a lot like "you suck, I want someone else", whether he wants it to sound that way or not.
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  #28  
Old 12-04-2010, 05:59 PM
ConfusedBunny ConfusedBunny is offline
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Thanks everybody for your help!

Ok, so the big messages I'm getting from everyone are:
- Have my husband make me feel like a priority
- Build up my self-confidence
- Be myself (but maybe not too scared to slut it up a little)
- If it impacts our relationship, don't do it (Selene)
- Figure out future issues (eg. what happens if we has kids, what happens if he falls in love) (redpepper)

The last one is a bit hard, because, like I have mentioned, it is hard to discuss these things because of his ADD. I'm going to try to talk to him more when he is in good mood and more focused, which will probably be less painful for the both of us.

He gets upset with himself (for not finishing things, not having goals, not feeling motivated) as both a symptom and a product of his ADD. He then gets angry at 'monogamy' because it doesn't motivate him. I think he doesn't mean to make me feel bad, but he is in such a bad mood, it's hard for me not to feel bad. While I have my own issues, I think it's his attitude toward himself that is the bigger problem. I was busy thinking I was the problem and being upset that I didn't see it.

So, while I'll work on the stuff above, I'm also going to help my husband feel better about himself.

Thanks everyone! If you have anymore advice/help I'll be glad to hear it too.

Last edited by ConfusedBunny; 12-04-2010 at 06:11 PM.
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