Oops, I think I cock-blocked my only chance for polyamory

[Krazykitty]

I'm not mono, but I think I'm now stuck with monogamy because of the way I reacted to my husband's request to open our relationship almost a year ago. I said "yes", but cried for weeks on end. (I think he thinks I'm mono but won't admit it, not true. The girl he picked was a fuck'n goddess and I'm an ugly tomboy. He couldn't see why I struggled?) Thus every time I bring up the subject, he now says "no". Wat do.

[stillshocked]

Hmm...I'd say keep pushing for it, if that's really what you want. I'm sure he'll go for it eventually, if you keep prodding him (since he brought it up in the first place). You probably just needed that time for emotional adjustment...Plus, it would probably all clear up if you just said what you said on here to him. No doubt he thinks you're beautiful...he is your husband after all. Besides, there's all different types of beauty and just because you may look like a tomboy, doesn't mean you're not beautiful! Most of us understand how it feels to be down on your own looks, but if you have someone that really loves you, it shouldn't apply. Just love and let yourself be loved...don't hinder it because you feel self-conscious. That's my two cents, I'm a novice at polyamory myself but I've given it some thought. Hope all goes well!
-Drea

[CielDuMatin]

I think that you need to get yourself 100% sure of why you had a problem the last time, and know in hour heart of hearts that it won't happen again, or at least be confident enough about it that there is only a very small chance of it causing a melt-down.

Because the "other person" is ALWAYS going to have something that you don't. More beautiful, bigger breasts, better figure, more intelligent, more socially adept, higher sex drive, nicer house, better friends... and the list could go on and on. He is bound to find some element of a relationship that is different from the one you have with him - otherwise why would he be with anyone else?

If you want to truly be poly then you are going to need to understand how any of these will affect you.

...and all of this is BEFORE you talk with him about it again.

Then, when you talk to him, you can explain what your issues were that last time, and why you feel there there is a significantly lower likelihood of them happening again.

Try to do this independent of any other specific love interest - this should be a fundamental part of your relationship with him. When there is another specific person "in the mix" it just muddies the waters even more.

What he is doing is probably the same thing I would do in this situation - he loves you, saw just how much him being with someone else hurt you, and doesn't want to do that to you again.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

I think that you need to get yourself 100% sure of why you had a problem the last time, and know in hour heart of hearts that it won't happen again, or at least be confident enough about it that there is only a very small chance of it causing a melt-down.

This but I think when it comes to a woman's body image stuff it never goes away. It is just how we are raised and it always lingers in the back of our minds... at least that is my experience of it. To think/say/assume it won't come up again my be short sighted. I think it might be better to figure out with him how to deal with it as a part of your relationship dynamic that you share, rather than putting it all on you Kk. You are valid in your feelings even though they are not rational. You are beautiful no matter what and he believes that... so what do you need to hear from him, what does he need to do in order to make sure you are reminded of that next time... hell, any time! What do you need to do (ask him) so you don't freak out and go down tat road again, what could you do next time at the get go so as to not spiral into those negative thoughts?

[CielDuMatin]

Originally Posted by redpepper

This but I think when it comes to a woman's body image stuff it never goes away. It is just how we are raised and it always lingers in the back of our minds... at least that is my experience of it. To think/say/assume it won't come up again my be short sighted.

RP I totally agree with you. You make my point (as you often do) better than I.... what I kind of meant was that if they are going to try this again, it can't result in a melt-down. There has to be some work done to put things in place that make it less of a risk. I have known people who have put rules in place that say "you can't date anyone prettier than me" or "You can't date anyone younger than me" or "you can't date anyone better endowed than me".

Those sorts of things can be problematic, because they often come from a base of insecurity and there will always be *something*.

So I think my point was that this is likely to be a regular occurrence with ANYONE that he dates, and that the solution isn't to try to restrict it to "safe" people, but to instead try to get to the bottom of it, and put tools in place to deal with it.

Originally Posted by redpepper

I think it might be better to figure out with him how to deal with it as a part of your relationship dynamic that you share, rather than putting it all on you Kk.

I am a big advocate of teamwork, and I probably didn't stress that enough. The thing is that I believe that the OP needs to know how to communicate what triggered things and what things could be done to stop it becoming so much of a bad thing. You can't communicate something that you don't completely understand yourself.

Originally Posted by redpepper

You are valid in your feelings even though they are not rational. You are beautiful no matter what and he believes that... so what do you need to hear from him, what does he need to do in order to make sure you are reminded of that next time... hell, any time! What do you need to do (ask him) so you don't freak out and go down tat road again, what could you do next time at the get go so as to not spiral into those negative thoughts?

I agree, but I have seen that used to generate some quite negative patterns in the relationship.

Asking for "You are beautiful" - good thing
Asking for "You are more beautiful than her" - bad thing.

"You are great in bed" vs "you are better than her in bed"

"You give great blowjobs" vs "you give the BEST blowjobs I have ever had"

and so on.

What I feel is healthy is most definitely validation, but not comparison, for down that road lies madness.

So I think that it is vital to get to the point where validation can work, and doesn't have to descend into competition.

Does that make more sense?

[Fidelia]

Originally Posted by redpepper

This but I think when it comes to a woman's body image stuff it never goes away. It is just how we are raised and it always lingers in the back of our minds... at least that is my experience of it. To think/say/assume it won't come up again my be short sighted. I think it might be better to figure out with him how to deal with it as a part of your relationship dynamic that you share . . .

I could not agree with this point more, redpepper, except that I think that it is possible to heal from these issues. At least I hope it is and, for myself, I'm working toward that end.

[Derbylicious]

I've been known to have more than one freak out with the women my husband has dated/attempted to date. What works for me is to get to know the other woman. Once you see them as a whole person rather than just the outside package somehow it gets easier to accept and even enjoy their relationship.

I've asked of my husband that things procede slowly until I get to know any potential partner. We don't have to be best friends or anything but I do need to know that there is a mutual respect for each other.

I also have worked on my way of looking at things. If my husband is dating others and still wants to be with me it means that he really does want to be with me and isn't just with me because he "has to" be. Strangely enough I'm more secure in our relationship since we have opened it up than I was for years before.

Good luck Kk!

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by Krazykitty

I said "yes", but cried for weeks on end.

I think it obvious that you weren't ready for anything poly. Were I him, I also would not believe that you're ready for it now without anything to indicate a difference. Talking about it is only a repeat of last time--you talked and said you were up for it while the crying jag showed you weren't.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

I agree, but I have seen that used to generate some quite negative patterns in the relationship.

Asking for "You are beautiful" - good thing
Asking for "You are more beautiful than her" - bad thing.

"You are great in bed" vs "you are better than her in bed"

"You give great blowjobs" vs "you give the BEST blowjobs I have ever had"

and so on.

What I feel is healthy is most definitely validation, but not comparison, for down that road lies madness.

So I think that it is vital to get to the point where validation can work, and doesn't have to descend into competition.

Does that make more sense?

I see your point, I wasn't very clear. I don't think it is ever a good idea for men to comment on a woman's looks in the negative. There is too much of a load attached to that, however, that wasn't my intent in my comment. what I meant by discussing what words need to be heard and creating boundaries that would facilitate th OP getting her needs met was more around love than beauty. It seems she becomes concerned that he doesn't love her or loves the other woman more because she considers her more beautiful, well what could he do and say that would put her mind more at ease...... so as to not spiral into negative thoughts.

Originally Posted by Fidelia

I could not agree with this point more, redpepper, except that I think that it is possible to heal from these issues. At least I hope it is and, for myself, I'm working toward that end.

I'm so glad you have hope in this way... it's inspiring. I will endeavor to do so also.

[unusuality]

U know what OP...I've BEEN in your husband's shoes. My wife (then gf) told me she wanted a gf...possibly one to SHARE. She even asked me to take her to a gentlemen's club. And we went to a place that I knew of that catered to females. Of course I complied.

Later on (6mos-1yr later) she said she would've had more fun if we went somewhere that I DIDN'T go to before cuz I MIGHT be fantasizing about them!! And yes, she was drinking and feeling nice, to NO AVAIL! So when she asked me if I wanted another girl (jokingly) I said "NO I know not to bark up that tree anymore".

Point is, IF she had opened up and did what others are telling u to do here, I WOULD'VE taken it seriously. So I say go for it seriously. And best wishes.