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  #21  
Old 01-30-2011, 07:12 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
. . . I will get sick and fall away from the pack, then they will be together as a pair, when what I really crave is him alone with me.

When I read over my post, I don't really think I convey what it is to have my fiance there when I'm feeling gross. It is the only thing on the planet that I find comforting and because I feel so bad, my need for his company in this way rises past the level of a want and becomes a need.
Never mind about conveying this to us here -- have you told HIM???? This is something he should know. And if he does know and still refuses to tend to your needs, perhaps it is time to break up.
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  #22  
Old 01-30-2011, 07:20 AM
koifish koifish is offline
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Unhappy

nycindie-
We talked about my need for space, and now she is much more careful about when she comes over. She actually got a place near us, so there is less of an issue. That part has gotten better.

I feel left out still. Mainly just not on their wavelength. You know how people develop a culture between them? My fiance's and I's is barely recognizable now. Fiance's and girlfriend's culture between the two of them is very strong. Lots of baby talk and inside jokes. I don't feel like I'm in the middle of that. I'm so generally stressed and unhappy it's hard to imagine getting into that stuff with them. Maybe it's because I'm unhappy, but I actually find it obnoxious.

We tried date nights with each of the pairs in our triad, but I wasn't comfortable with it, but said it was okay because I felt I ought, and then proceeded to freak out a little :-(

How do you know when poly is the wrong thing for you?
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  #23  
Old 01-30-2011, 07:22 AM
koifish koifish is offline
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nycindie-
I hope it doesn't come to that. I love him beyond words.

And yes, I have told him. He says that I will have to ask more now rather than him just giving it to me. I guess the problem arises during those times we have invited her to be with us and I don't think I can ask her to go home so that I can be alone with me fiance. Rude, rude, rude.

Would be rude of me to ask her to leave, I mean.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 01-30-2011 at 06:11 PM. Reason: merge posts
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  #24  
Old 01-30-2011, 08:23 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Errr, so I have absolutely no experience with what you'e going through...so I probably should resist the urge to comment....ahh, but..

I think it's always ok to say "I don't feel ok at the moment, and I need some time and space"
That's not a rude thing to say at all. It's respectful, and it's about you - It's not pointing the finger at other people..It's fine to say that.

And sometimes when you've said that, it can help to not have the discussion straight away about why you're not feeling ok - because you wouldn't be getting the time and space that you need if that discussion starts.

So, maybe it would help if you could say "Is it ok if we talk further about this in a day or two? Perhaps when I'm feeling better?"

How do you know when poly is the wrong thing for you?

I don't really know the answer to that one at all I'm afraid. It would appear to be the case that you get yourself into the best position you can be in, listen to yourself and be faithful to yourself...and resist the panic button if you can work out how to...
Which may lead back into the time and space issue you're currently struggling with. If you're not getting the time and space you need, I imagine the panic button may appear to be getting closer and closer....
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  #25  
Old 01-30-2011, 03:40 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Koifish,

First - {{{{hugs}}}}

It's a tough position you are all in. Not many people have a lot of experience dealing with this type of thing and therefore everyone stumbles, fumbles, gets confused, hurt, angry......on and on.

I'll TRY to offer something in case it can help everyone.

When you have someone (a loved one) who is dealing with serious illness it's a difficult thing. You feel their pain and want to make it all better. And you hurt along with them. And get scared. If it's bad enough, or for a long enough period of time, you often find yourself slipping into a 'caretaker' role.
Now this is all fine and well as a profession because there isn't that intimate emotional connection. But it's extremely difficult when there is. You don't get to punch out and go home at 5 to a normal life ! Before long you find yourself in a documented state of what's referred to as "caregiver burnout'. Now you have TWO sick people.

The only good solution to this involves calling in reinforcements. Your SO has kind of done that with your GF. She's helping with his stress and burnout. But YOU also need someone. And by that I mean you need MORE than your SO ! And your GF's energy is kind of already mostly used up.

So.......

Who else can you bring in ? Do you have any family or really close friends ? Even a visiting nurse/caretaker situation. Check with your social service agencies. Often times there are even volunteers standing by to help in situations like this. Even if you have to spend a little money it's worth it (if any way possible) because the toll it will take on everyone long term will far exceed money.

Your situation seems/is really beyond poly concerns - it's a different issue entirely. The fact that you guys are exploring poly just confuses things. Keep your apples & oranges separate.

I hope things turn around for you soon. Repeat the mantra often....."this too will pass" - and believe it !

Get some more players on the team !

{{{more hugs}}}

GS
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  #26  
Old 01-31-2011, 07:28 AM
koifish koifish is offline
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Okay. Things have improved. My fiance and I feel a lot closer right now. I believe him a lot more when he says he loves me and I'm important to him. I told him how I felt like he was treating her in a way that he used to treat me, but wasn't anymore. And that he was chronically unhappy with me. And we talked...

And then GF came over and was feeling very sad and vulnerable herself, and I felt sort of intensely empathetic and caring towards her, and then I suddenly felt the thing between the three of us to be less threatening. :-)

I think my fiance does feel like a caretaker sometimes. But probably not in quite the way you imagine. Most people who see me think I'm totally normal. Not quite true, but I feel well enough (and have acquired enough skills) to affect "normal". But I do have these periodic decompensations, where things get really bad really quick. And I need him badly then.
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  #27  
Old 01-31-2011, 07:48 AM
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This is good progress and I am happy for you. I hope you still continue to speak up when you need him, and don't let your empathic nature, and feeling bad for her, get in the way of asking for alone time with your fiance. Having her there 5 nights a week seems like an awful lot, especially since you are the fiancee and dealing with an illness. You don't need to put her needs before your own, just remember that.

I just say this because I keep getting the feeling you would rather let things be all nice and smooth on the surface, rather than have to rock the boat by limiting her time with him. You should be allowed to voice your concerns and she should understand that you have needs. And yes, I think it's a great idea for you also to surround yourself with other loving people in yoru life who can also help with what you need.
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  #28  
Old 01-31-2011, 08:03 AM
koifish koifish is offline
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You are right, nycindie, I do have a strong tendency to want things to feel smooth. I have sort of given in in the past, not spoken up for myself. I'm trying to stand strong now. Tonight for example, since gf was feeling upset, I said it would be ok for us all to spend time with each other, and it was, but I also insisted that my fiance and I be able to work on our wedding tomorrow and that we have an additional night to just relax.

A sticking point with the three of us is that despite her starting to to date us when we were an established couple, already engaged, she kind of wanted to feel primary from the get go, when that wasn't really possible. She want us each to spend as much time with her as we did with each other.

The fact that we're getting married still bothers her and freaks her out. Because of that there is this weird dance trying to work on the wedding ( which is 4 months away) and also spend 5 days a week with her and also not actually speak about the wedding preparations at all in front of her, much less do them in her presence. Um, stressful. My fiance has been all too likely to put off wedding prep day after day and week after week in order to hang out with GF and not alarm her by doing stuff for the wedding in front of her. Something has to give here because the wedding is coming up fast and we need to spend more time apart from her if wedding stuff bugs her, but she's going to wonder what we're doing and neither of us ar much up for lying.
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  #29  
Old 01-31-2011, 08:29 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Ugh, infuriating!!!

Listen, I did all the planning for my wedding and I know how demanding it is! That kind of organization is time-consuming! There are lots of details and you don't want to let things slide to the last minute. It seems to me that she is really being unreasonable and very inconsiderate to expect an engaged couple not to discuss wedding plans when it is only a few months away. I think your fiance is giving her too much say over how you and he conduct your relationship. That is ridiculous. It's a huge drain of your time and energy for her to be there 5 nights a week with the wedding 4 months away, if she has no intention of helping, and prevents him from helping you, too! I hate to burst your bubble, I really do, but she sounds very selfish. Your fiance might not realize how much work it is to put a wedding together, but still! He seems to be in a fog. Have you thought about having your fiance read the forum to see some of the input you've been getting? Might open his eyes a bit.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 01-31-2011 at 02:17 PM.
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  #30  
Old 01-31-2011, 04:21 PM
koifish koifish is offline
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I think gf always came at this relationship from a point of insecurity. I think this relationship does tend to call up feelings of insecurity. I know it does for me.

She wanted to be polyamorous. She wanted to date a couple. (Unicorn? ;-) ) Monogamy did not work for her. But she wanted the instant stability and simplicity and security of monogamy too. She instantly wanted all of our time and energy to be involved the three of us together without any of being more "important" than the others. She wanted to know, for sure, that my fiance and I would not choose each other over her.

A huge problem early in our relationship was that my fiance undermined my belief that I could and should talk to her about how much she was staying at our house. He said that we shouldn't upset her and he would find some way to say it (read: that would be better than my way) that wouldn't upset her. But he never did. He let it go on and on. I was going nuts. Now he does not want to upset her about the wedding and wants us to avoid talking about it in front of her since it upsets her.

My fiance and I are not ones to emphasize her current sort of secondary status, but neither does she have primary status just by the nature of things, without any of us deciding it would be so. Not that she couldn't ooch in the primary direction over time.

I need to put my foot down about the wedding. I need to be free to work on it and I need his help. I probably need to talk to her directly about it and explain that doing it this way is a real problem for us and the upcoming wedding. I guess I've been allowing my fiance to again dictate the communication with her. Oops.

I don't think, having so far done very little of the planning, that my fiance realizes how much work it takes to do this thing. He looked at the mile long list of things yet to do, a gazillion miles long, and said "no problem." And I'm still the one that has to be the bad guy and enforce no-GF-we-have-to-work-on-the-wedding-nights. Argh.
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