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  #11  
Old 11-28-2010, 06:54 AM
unusuality unusuality is offline
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What he said. We're all saying communicate your feelings and desires as support for you. That's the key. I commend you for working through this so well. Just ask for what you want and all of you can figure how you'll keep each other happy. I wish you the best and hope you're feeling better in the future. And I wish you all the best in your tribe.
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  #12  
Old 11-28-2010, 04:10 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Speak up! Tell both of them what you are feeling and what you need.

*Warning, stereotypical generalization* Men like problems they can fix. What you are feeling can be fixed, but not by yourself. Present it as a problem that they can help fix, make it a group effort.

Keep reading here, there is so much wonderful information.
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  #13  
Old 11-28-2010, 04:36 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
Thanks for the reply, GroundedSpirit.

I am not very old, but I've actually been sick for about 20 years. I am undergoing a new treatment right now, but nothing is for certain. So...getting better soon and changing the dynamic that way may or may not be in the cards.
Damn koifish, I'm sorry to hear that. They say we all have our own burdens to carry and it seems this is yours. Your spirit seems pretty good - all things considered - so I'd keep focused on seeing that that doesn't change. We all wish for the world to be other than it is, but it won't be. What we DO have control over is our attitude and outlook. Probably sounds cliché I know....
But our attitude has sooooo much to do with healing and our quality of life in general.
What would make YOU happy - within your capacity ?
How can THEY help you achieve this - as a pair and as individuals ?




Quote:
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
.........I guess I feel so snowed under right now by her being here for several days in a row and by my not feeling too hot, and also by just feeling hurt about the sex going on in the next room, that I don't feel like participating at all.
I think a little common courtesy could go a long way here. Whenever you have a "guest" - no matter how close you are, you feel some obligation to entertain, or at least take part in interactions. I think someone <hint> needs to remind her that you are low on energy and probably a bit short on patience because of it. How about we give you a break here. Or even better, focus some energy on you that would brighten your day a bit. Even if it's just a day in bed being waited on
That being said, it means YOU can't become a burden by expecting this too much - too often either.




Quote:
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
I feel all too often when we cuddle up that at some point it's going to turn to sexy stuff, and I'm going to feel on the outside again.
I think this is just a simple thing that needs to be verbalized. Cuddle time, unless you indicate otherwise, needs to be understood to be exactly that. It's a time balancing thing no different than we all have to do regarding other things. Block it out and understand what it's purpose is and why it's important. Really...........easy stuff.



Quote:
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
I really do need a good block of time with just me and the boy.
As someone else noted, I think it would be great if you could block out time for ALL the relationships (see Ari's diagram A+B+C). You'll have different things in common there and it could add some variety to life and take your mind off your health concerns. That's healing in itself.

I guess what this boils down to is an emphasis that poly relationships are NOT ALL about sex ! Any more than life is all about sex. But because sex is such a primary drive in most people, it steps up and tries to take center stage all the time. Kick it to the curb ! Keep it in it's proper, healthy place and give equal billing to all the other aspects of life. Before you know it things will be better and you won't really understand how you got there. Until much later

Keep smiling. Keep loving.

GS
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  #14  
Old 11-28-2010, 08:03 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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I am the person in our relationship with the chronic illness. It is difficult place to be in. I have other outlets then my partner. For me, I have feelings of fear that I am not enough and am going to be left behind for the healthly person.

I have spoken about this and gotten reassurance in this regard.

I think the key here is communication. Communicate your fears and feelings to your fiance and to your new partner.

I feel a great amount of empathy for you,

Hugs,

Leigh
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  #15  
Old 11-28-2010, 09:03 PM
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Illness or not, you aren't getting your needs met and need to make sure they know that... please realize that with most triads there comes a time when they often break into a vee and one person feels left out and neglected either until it sorts out by talking about boundaries or one person leaves... I think she needs to understand that before she came along it was you and him shooting the shit while you lay in bed. Why can't they do that with you for one thing and besides that, if she knew this bit of information, perhaps she would be kind enough to go off an do her own thing to allow the two of you to have time... he could go off an do his own thing too know? Then you and her can have time... maybe he could make you dinner in bed or something and treat you all... it sounds like there needs to be a bit of a coming together around boundaries and needs on this... start talking about the hard stuff, you have nothing to lose and tons to gain... make yourself vulnerable about your feelings and sadness.
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  #16  
Old 01-30-2011, 05:35 AM
koifish koifish is offline
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Default Thank you

Sorry for me belated response....I do so appreciate everyone's commentary. It it has been so long since this post, that I think I will start another one to update.
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  #17  
Old 01-30-2011, 06:11 AM
koifish koifish is offline
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Default Thinking about breaking up with our third

Hi everyone,
I want to thank everyone again who responded to my post about being in a polyamorous relationship while having an illness.

Here is an update on my sitch. I am in a triad with my fiance and another woman. I am unhappy and stressed much of the time.

I straight up need my fiance some times I'm sick and it's not always predictable when I will need him. Even if we invited her over earlier in the day, I find it very distressing for him to be goofing off, baby talking, cavorting with our girlfriend in front of me when I feel really compelled to be quiet with just him, like we used to do before we had a girlfriend. I NEED this. When it was just him and me, he used to just come to me when I was feeling bad, without my asking. I have no idea how to deal with this if we've asked her over earlier in the day. I don't feel like I can ask her to leave.

Having a third person is all around stressful for my relationship with my fiance, and this makes me feel less stable and happy. My fiance gets unhappy about my unhappiness, I get less fun and more emotionally distant. He wants me to get happier, and I'd like to explore that (Who doesn't want to be happier?) but his very strong suggestion that I become happier feel like a burden. This in turn makes me more unhappy and stressed out.

To put my emotional responses in perspective: I am actually very sick, and so am much more susceptible to stress and feeling emotionally exhausted than the average person. Wish it weren't so.

Since we began dating our third, my fiance has started drinking to the point of getting drunk when no one else is drinking, and then arguing with me. He is tender and solicitous with her in a way he hasn't been with me in a while. He loves her, is sweet and goofy with her. Meanwhile his is often unhappy with me.

He would not quit smoking for me, but he set a date for her. He is a wonderful artist, and I have been encouraging him to start painting again for some time, but he only started making up some new canvases when she suggested it. I'm wondering where I am in all this.

I depend on him. But that's the way it is with most committed relationships- we all fall on difficult time at some point and depend on the one or one(s) we love. I do things for him too.

I care for this woman we're dating. I feel affectionate and protective of her, and I would miss her a lot, but I also feel like my primary relationship is in danger. So I'm thinking about breaking up.

I don't know if I have the capacity to deal with poly right now. So many things about it make me unhappy, and I don't know if I currently possess the emotional energy to deal with it.

Advice?

koifish
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  #18  
Old 01-30-2011, 06:31 AM
preciselove preciselove is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
I straight up need my fiance some times I'm sick and it's not always predictable when I will need him. Even if we invited her over earlier in the day, I find it very distressing for him to be goofing off, baby talking, cavorting with our girlfriend in front of me when I feel really compelled to be quiet with just him, like we used to do before we had a girlfriend. I NEED this. When it was just him and me, he used to just come to me when I was feeling bad, without my asking. I have no idea how to deal with this if we've asked her over earlier in the day. I don't feel like I can ask her to leave.
It's important to realize everyone has needs. It sounds like he enjoys doing those things with her, maybe it's because he hasn't been able to enjoy it with you for a while due to sickness?

It's a hard thing with a triad, balancing the needs of people. But you should be getting both of their time in reasonably equal parts. If they can't give it then you're not really in a triad. As to getting rid of the third, that may be easier said than done if she is fulfilling the needs you cannot.
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  #19  
Old 01-30-2011, 06:59 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I remember your situation from your previous thread, and so I just went back and re-read it. Did you ever talk to them both about your needs? You had felt that she was spending too much time staying over, but he felt weird asking her to come over less often. Something had to be resolved there. Also, they were always doing things without you and you felt left out. What did you do to include yourself? There was also the issue of non-sexual quality time spent between all of you: you and him, you and her, all three, etc. Any efforts made in that regard?

From your update, it sounds like nothing has changed for the better, so I am wondering if you have not stood up for yourself and communicated with both of them. It sounds like you held back and just let them ride rough-shod all over you. Does breaking up seem easier for you to handle than expressing your needs and speaking up?
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  #20  
Old 01-30-2011, 07:08 AM
koifish koifish is offline
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I have thought about this too. That he's getting something he's been missing with me. I don't know how we have a situation where he gets what he's been missing and I get his exclusive company when I need it. How would it work? I get sick randomly and we spend about five nights a week with our girlfriend. There's a high probability that when I get randomly ill, we'll be all be together, I will get sick and fall away from the pack, then they will be together as a pair, when what I really crave is him alone with me.

When I read over my post, I don't really think I convey what it is to have my fiance there when I'm feeling gross. It is the only thing on the planet that I find comforting and because I feel so bad, my need for his company in this way rises past the level of a want and becomes a need. It's a big problem to a) not have that and b) watch him give it to someone else.

I'm missing out on a huge need for me, and it stresses me out.
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