Solo poly people - what's your ideal?

[Somegeezer]

Originally Posted by redpepper

[snip]...I just want you to know that not all men subscribe to gender roles or the roles of what it means to be a wife or husband. There is a large number of men out there who are willing, or even insisting that there not be roles as such unless one falls into them naturally and is comfortable because it is who they are...[/snip]

You rang? =P
I also agree with the rest of your post, redpepper. It's good to just let things happen as they happen. People always develop in a relationship at different rates too. You may be comfortable right away, but your partner/s may not be. But support them and keep being yourself and everyone will eventually settle where they want to be.

[bella123456]

I know with 100% confidence that not all men, or women subscribe to gender roles, in my experience it's the minority...thank goodness !

And yes RP - agree with you that it's up to the individuals to find their own path as they go along...
The problems in my marriage actually were not at all "script" based....that relationship was a whole different story really..

I hope I didn't sound like I was harsh on the concept of marriage, or settling down. I do support that, it's just not my focus or objective...for this point in my life.

Culture is an interesting point to raise...
I think the country you were born in, or live in, or the values of that culture are a huge influence. Especially for women...It is sadly the case, that your country of origin has a huge influence on the choices you can make. Or the relationships you can define within your life..
I think a woman living in america has a huge number of choices available, and a much higher level of control over her life...as opposed to say, a woman living in Indonesia..

Cultures do change over time, and individuals do have the power to change "culture". It's certainly not universal though...there's lots of places in the world where it is much, much, harder to change cultural values and biases...particularly for females, who continue to suffer within many cultures.
Not to mention the fact that acting outside cultural values can be pretty dangerous in some cultures....particularly for women. I don't feel we can talk about changing culture in general terms...as there are thousands of cultures around the world..each with their own pitfalls and strengths..

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by bella123456

I think the country you were born in, or live in, or the values of that culture are a huge influence. Especially for women...It is sadly the case, that your country of origin has a huge influence on the choices you can make. Or the relationships you can define within your life..
I think a woman living in america has a huge number of choices available, and a much higher level of control over her life...as opposed to say, a woman living in Indonesia..

Cultures do change over time, and individuals do have the power to change "culture". It's certainly not universal though...there's lots of places in the world where it is much, much, harder to change cultural values and biases...particularly for females, who continue to suffer within many cultures.
Not to mention the fact that acting outside cultural values can be pretty dangerous in some cultures....particularly for women. I don't feel we can talk about changing culture in general terms...as there are thousands of cultures around the world..each with their own pitfalls and strengths..

Amen to all of this... I think I am very fortunate to even have a choice. I think this everyday actually. Even to have this discussion and be able to be on this forum in comparison to other women in the world. I find it so important to never forget that.

I don't think that other women in other cultures would necessarily want what I have created in my life, but I do think that a lot of women would find it a blessing to have the ability and freedom to make ANY choice for themselves and that is what I am talking about here.

[bella123456]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I don't think that other women in other cultures would necessarily want what I have created in my life, but I do think that a lot of women would find it a blessing to have the ability and freedom to make ANY choice for themselves and that is what I am talking about here.

Perhaps not...but being able to make meaningful connections with multiple people is universal I would think. Taking that to actually wanting what you have created would potentially be limited by cultural influences...ie, In some cultures it would almost be impossible to have the want develop, the meaningful connections would still happen to be sure - just not acted upon...which is sad. So, if cultures change...people's wants would change overtime. On a different level, we see this as many countries develop...the wants of consumers change with exposure to changing economic conditions and living standards etc. People start to want different things as the opportunity to have them emerges...

Here's to freedom of choice !! Especially to that emerging within cultures where it may currently be more limited !

Now well off topic...sorry. Friendly words between one red head and another

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by bella123456

In some cultures it would almost be impossible to have the want develop, the meaningful connections would still happen to be sure - just not acted upon...which is sad. So, if cultures change...people's wants would change overtime. On a different level, we see this as many countries develop...the wants of consumers change with exposure to changing economic conditions and living standards etc. People start to want different things as the opportunity to have them emerges...

Here's to freedom of choice !! Especially to that emerging within cultures where it may currently be more limited !

here here!

[idealist]

Mycindie,
Okay.....I do like the term solo poly..... I was calling myself "single" and Redpepper had mentioned that it really didn't sound right considering how many partners I have.
Anyway- for me, I have created my desired situation and it's taken less than a year since I first decided to create a poly lifestyle.
I have a primary male partner who is also solo. He has a secondary female partner.
I have a secondary male partner. He is married and his wife has a secondary partner.
And now......because I am bisexual and desire a female partner, I have a solo lesbian female partner!!!!!
YAY!!!
Peace and Love,
Idealist

[CloudsLater]

Originally Posted by Ready2Fly

I'm not solo--- I'm in a serious relationship with one other person, and I've been in a variety of poly relationships in various capacities in the past.

A tribe is an ideal for both me and my partner. We want friends and lovers around us to and for support. I personally don't distinguish terribly much between friends and lovers. I'd like to have a big house with a lot of people in it to love.

This sounds a lot like my ideal...

I seem to like the idea of calling all relationships 'friendships', and even if not everyone lives together (though that idea is appealing for so many reasons, and maybe sometime I'll post a rant about how badly cities are designed...) people would get together for various fun times.

There are many things about triads and all those small groups that can be nice, but I tend to like groups of friends that are a bit larger. But finding a handful of poly people might not be so easy.

I recently briefly read about Relationship Anarchy, and a lot of it fit with ideas I had been thinking about.

[nycindie]

Someone resurrected another thread about "your ideal relationship" and so I thought about this one, which I started for solos. Since posting my thoughts on it last year, my "ideal" hasn't changed much:

Originally Posted by nycindie

. . . to remain independent, living on my own, and to have two to four long-term boyfriends whom I see at varying frequency depending on how involved/invested we are. Like maybe one of them would be someone I see very infrequently for romantic trips or something, and others would be more involved and familiar with my day-to-day life.

I still have no interest in cohabiting with anyone else, as I have really begun to enjoy my apartment and being on my own. I am more open to being involved with a married poly guy than I was back in November, since having met my latest paramour, Burnsy. The caveat would be that I would not want to get involved with a married man who did not have as healthy or stable a relationship, or the kind of approach to poly, as Burnsy and his wife do. I really don't want the drama, no matter how drawn I am to someone, of dealing with a couple in an ailing marriage and all their baggage.

I definitely want more than two steady lovers, but I really don't know why. Having two just doesn't seem like enough for some reason, LOL.

There's this old image in my head, I think from reading Cosmo as a teen or seeing some made-for-TV movie, of an independent woman with steady lovers from all over the world, living in her totally awesome apartment and doing whatever the fuck she wants with her life without anyone else to answer to. I keep seeing this scene in my head where she answers the doorbell and ushers one lover in as another leaves, and everyone's totally cool about it. All her lovers are very different from each other -- maybe one is well-heeled and polished, another is blue-collar, while another is younger and just starting out. She goes with one to museums, galleries, and fancy restaurants, with another to picnics and football games, while another cooks for her at home. The lovemaking is different and exciting with each of them, in their own unique ways, and the woman is happy with herself and her life.

I want to be that woman, but the sad thing is that she's about 20 years younger in my head than I actually am. Sometimes I feel like I've missed the boat and have very little time left to make this all a reality. <sigh>

I thought this thread would also be a good place to re-post parts of some quotes about being poly and solo, that I had added to my blog thread awhile back:

Originally Posted by nycindie

From a blogger named Paradox:

"It's kind of a rare thing to find someone who's polyamorous and single. There are far more halves-of-couples and determined bachelors (of all genders). Not as many folks are single in the "more traditional" sense of not being in a partnership and looking for one.

But that's what I am: poly and single. I'm not in a committed relationship, not in a couple, but I want to be. I want a primary partner. It is, in fact, near the top of my priority list. I came to this polyamory thing on my own, not as part of my journey with anyone specific, and I'm looking for someone to share it with.

That's not to say that I'm trying to force every relationship into a primary space. I strongly believe in letting things develop organically and letting every relationship grow into a place that feels comfortable. That's one of the major benefits of polyamory: I can have different relationships at different levels and it's all okay. I am hoping, though, that one of my relationships turns more serious, and I'm ready to nurture anything that goes in that direction. I want to fall in love.

I think these desires give more depth to my meaning of the word "single." When I have the option of saying I'm a solo polyamorist and instead choose to say I'm single, it's more meaningful. I'm not just saying "I'm not in a relationship with anyone right now," I'm saying "I'm looking for a serious relationship along with the other less serious relationships I already have." Which is different. That's all."

http://www.papercutsandplastic.com/2...nd-single.html

I will interject here with a note: When I first posted that to my blog, GroundedSpirit responded that her viewpoint "seems little more than an attempt to relabel the mono model with minor modification." Which is a good point. Her post was the one with which I least identified, perhaps due to her need for a primary. I don't want one main squeeze, or any kind of hierarchical structure. I want to consider all my steady lovers equally, even those who are less frequently in my life (excluding any solely sexual flings).

Continued:

At Cunning Minx's FB page, "Poly Weekly Hooligans," Vicky wrote :

"I find it really difficult to know when I'm single. I'm seeing different people on a casual and/or secondary basis. What I find annoying is how everyone tries to pair me up with partners who seem to be available (for a primary relationship). I also find annoying how people seem to consider that my secondary relationships aren't "real" relationships . . . [and] that most of the poly material (reading or other kinds) is geared towards people in 1 primary relationship - such as in "opening up your relationship, etc." There's very little on how to be a secondary, and extremely little on how to be a secondary to someone who hasn't got a primary! There's nothing on jealousy towards people who are not your primaries, and so on.

. . . I much prefer the network kind of relationship style, but find it quite hard because others seem not to feel the same way I do and end up pairing and becoming something very similar to monogamous-but-swinger, if not exactly just that.

What I enjoy: being able to see a lot of people without having to discuss or agree. I have my freedom and any coming together goes from there and from an acceptance of who I am. I also make personal plans on an individual basis. I love my network. They're great people. I enjoy the varying degrees of intimacy that change in time and depending on circumstance and how we can still be close even when we're not that intimate anymore. I think what I most enjoy about being single is being seen as an individual rather than someone's partner and being able to do things and decide things on my own rather than jointly, even if I do take other people into account when taking them."

http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?ui...091&topic=5255

The last paragraph from Vicky is very closely aligned to what would feel right for me. . . . Later, I found a post about not wanting a primary at all from this blogger, Sam :

". . . I don't actually want a primary partner. I like being independent. I like traveling and embarking upon spontaneous activities without having to run it by another . . . I enjoy social situations and solitude equally. (In that same respect, being that I am focused on other things, I wouldn't be able to offer 100% of myself to that person. They would no doubt feel something lacking . . . I don't feel "incomplete" without a significant other...quite the opposite. I feel more complete without a primary!

I don't feel the NEED to . . . be a "we" or an "us". This is a strange and frightening concept for some . . . I want to be involved with someone because I want to be there...not because I feel like I have to be there (and vice versa)."

http://getasammy.blogspot.com/2010/0...-it-wrong.html

From Samantha Fraser, at "Not Your Mother's Playground" :

". . . I have no partner, primary or otherwise. I have lovers (some long-term, some short-term, some occasional), and I have people I care for (some on a very deep level, some more casually), but I do not have anyone that I would call a boyfriend / girlfriend, I do not live with anyone, and I am not married.

From a dating aspect. . . I am open & completely upfront about being poly and my poly lifestyle; . . . everyone I become involved with (or may become involved with) is 100% aware of who I am from the very beginning, and they have a choice as to whether or not they wish to become part of this lifestyle . . . Sometimes this honesty has resulted in rejection, but it’s only fair that I tell the truth from the get-go.

. . . Advantages of Being Poly & Single

• I have no partner to answer to, and therefore feel as if I have more freedom. Of course I respect my lovers & the relationships I have with them, and there are absolutely still negotiations to be done, but . . . there is no primary or boyfriend/girlfriend that I must account my actions to. I can date or have relations with anyone or as many people as I want, and the only person’s opinion I need be concerned with is my own. (Safer sex is always practiced, as it should be in any type of relationship, particularly where multiple partners are involved.)
  
• I’m already ‘out’ and open about my status, so I can avoid the (often painful) process of coming out as a couple. (I also get to avoid the annoying ‘But HOW does an open/poly relationship work?’
  
• By identifying as a single poly female, holy cats! Have I ever become popular! . . . maybe some folks are equating ‘single poly female’ with ‘fucks everything that walks’ (which I don’t, by the way-but I could if I wanted to!)…but oh boy, did my dating life ever flourish when I came out publicly. Up until recently, I’d never dated this much in my entire adult life – and damned if I’m not having a helluva lot of fun doing it."

http://notyourmothersplayground.com/...ly-and-single/

[Ariakas]

I have to say this seems to be a prevailing thought on every poly board I am on right now. Idealistic poly, however its phrased, seems to be a hot topic. Ironically one that has been on my mind a lot as well.

[nycindie]

Every now and then I revisit this thread to read what other solo poly people want. Recently, Opalescent posted this on another thread:

Originally Posted by opalescent

. . . I've learned that men, bless their hearts, are easy. There are scores and scores of men out there who would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to be your recreational plaything who are not married or committed, or, if they are, their wife/SO is hip, onboard, and totally down with the situation. In fact, she would love to have you over for tea and girl talk. (Ok, I exaggerate about the tea part.) In fact, to get interest, all you have to do is sign up on an online dating site as "female". Seriously, that's it. You will have no trouble finding potential casual sex partners among men.

I've been thinking about this lately. My "ideal poly situation" hasn't changed. Flying solo, I still want to live independently, and I fantasize about having three to four boyfriends who are not just casual flings but committed lovers with whom I can share my life passionately (thanks, SourGirl, for your comments in another thread that reminded me of the "passion" part).

However, it isn't as easy to find men who will hear me say I want non-exclusivity and be willing to commit to something deeper than just a casual and primarily sexual relationship. I understand that that may be a stage to move through before getting to a commitment, and I don't see the need to ask for a commitment right away, nor to set aside the need for companionship and sex until that happens for me, but it does get frustrating at times. I do not, however, see the need to make any adjustments to the ideal I seek. I just need to be patient that it will happen for me some day, and not give in to feeling defeated.