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  #11  
Old 03-23-2013, 02:31 PM
dryad dryad is offline
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Oh no! He knew before we were married! He knew as soon as we started seeing eachother, it was in fact how we got together! He was married and I had a relationship with him whilst he was married, his wife knew and was having a relationship with another guy, who she later married. (My hubby left his wife for me).
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  #12  
Old 03-23-2013, 02:32 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Welcome to the forum, doll.

Your husband will likely never understand how it is possible to love two people. It took him months or years to tell you that he was never really comfortable with the idea of you being having that relationship. I would suggest finding out why he is so uncomfortable with it. When one partner is polyamorous, it is almost expected to feel as if one is not enough and to wonder why that partner feels the need to seek anything else? Sometimes there is a silent threat. Whereas he was the only man in your life for a while and became accustomed to it, suddenly there is someone else. Your husband may feel threatened and like Liam is trying to take his place and become a step-dad to your child(ren). His feelings have a root cause.

I just saw your comment, so I had to edit this. Your husband left his wife for you. That is interesting and would explain a portion of the fear. He left his wife for you, so subconsciously he acknowledges that the very same could happen to him. You could leave him for someone else. Sometimes it is a cycle. Other times...it just plays out that way.

Your husband did something to make YOU happy, but he actually did not like it. He accepted it because he loved you. He probably never liked it, understood it, or even approved of it. He knew it was something you desired, so to keep the woman he loved and to keep her happy, he agreed to it. Notice that it took him years to tell you that he was never really okay with it to begin with it. He probably feared losing you, so he kept that to himself. Now he fears losing you to someone else. The problem with that is resentment has an entry. Did you tell your husband when you first met Liam, or did you wait until after the feelings had developed?

Are you doing things to make your husband feel special? Reminding him why you love him? Having date nights? Reminding him why you married him in the first place? Are you still doing the things it took to get him in beginning at this moment? When dealing with NRE (new relationship energy) or even just developing feelings for another person, people sometimes get complacent and shift all of their focus to that new relationship. They bank on the established one being solid and stable, and they forget to tend to that person's needs or the relationship's needs.
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Last edited by FullofLove1052; 03-23-2013 at 02:43 PM.
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  #13  
Old 03-23-2013, 02:35 PM
dryad dryad is offline
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Thank you. That makes sense. However, he is not step dad to my child, heis the father! We have a son together! Also he has a daughter from his first marriage who calls me mum.
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  #14  
Old 03-23-2013, 02:36 PM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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Then I believe he's afraid you'll do the same.
He needs reassurement from you that you won't end up leaving him. He's going off past experience and he's also ignoring your needs. If he knew before and who you were then he's trying to suppress you and have you all to himself.

This is not good. If he continues to suppress you he may lose you anyway. Tell him that!
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  #15  
Old 03-23-2013, 02:41 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I would not advise him to suppress you, but you have to hear what he is saying and actually take it all in. Consider his feelings and needs. Ask him what he needs to be happy or at least comfortable. Compromise and communication. Are there any boundaries outside of the initial no sex thing with the guy from way back when?

My tragic flaw was not listening to my husband when he brought things to my attention and tuning out his needs. As a result, he had years worth of suppressed resentment, and we are in counselling now. He is the monogamous one in our marriage, and he does not understand my polyamorous nature, like it, or accept it. He is coping with it, but we are not out of the woods.

http://www.morethantwo.com (This is a very helpful website, and I believe it can help if you both read it.)
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Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Mr. Grey - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
Closed.

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Last edited by FullofLove1052; 03-23-2013 at 02:50 PM.
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  #16  
Old 03-23-2013, 02:41 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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And truth be told, he could actually see Poly as something that ruins marriages rather than strengthens them, based upon his own previous experiences. It could take a long time for him to accept Poly into your lives or he may never accept it and you have to be prepared for that also. Either way in a situation like this, it was never going to be easy.
And please back off from Liam, that will just complicate things far too much right now.
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  #17  
Old 03-23-2013, 02:54 PM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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^agreed. Adding Liam to this situation does not offer husband the comfort of being givin time to work this out but actually stresses him more.
We all have to make sacrifices for the ones we love, Liam will have to be yours til you work it out. And by that I mean

TOGETHER!

Actively address your husband, make him feel more comfortable with the situation. Hurt puppies don't magically heal themselves, love.

And if it ever comes up that it cannot be resolved, don't believe it! It's poppycock. Everything can be resolved, you just need to work harder and see the whole picture, consequences ad all.
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  #18  
Old 03-23-2013, 03:56 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
Hubby keeps asking me what he can do to make me happy. I think the only thing he can do is accept that I am who I am and I am in love with 2 people.
There you go. That is your need for the marriage to have full emotional intimacy between you. The need to be understood by your spouse, to be connected.
Is he willing to Open enough to hear your poly thoughts and feelings? Understand you fully, and not just part of you that are "easier" for him to deal with?

Are you willing to Close enough to be only his lover, and not see Liam to reciprocate and meet some of his needs for "exclusive?"

I don't know if any of my blog thread helps but starting on post 6 I was writing about mono-poly.

GG
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  #19  
Old 03-23-2013, 05:29 PM
dryad dryad is offline
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I don't know if I can not see Liam - I value his friendship and it's what's been keeping me going! I'm willing to keep our relationship platonic, but I don't think I couldn't have him in my life.
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  #20  
Old 03-24-2013, 01:26 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I meant "not see him" like not have him as romantic partner/lover shape relationship. Friend shape relationship with him is fine. You can have all the friends you want and still maintain romantic/lover exclusivity with your spouse.

Could talk to your spouse about how you feel and what it is you need from spouse most.

GG
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