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  #1  
Old 03-28-2013, 01:27 AM
LPaigex LPaigex is offline
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Default the big talk, the beginning of a poly relationship

I have been in a relationship with my fiance (JS) for 3 years now and recently his best friend (JM) that moved away a year or so before i met JS moved back. They had been best friends since young childhood and are extremely close. It honestly makes butterflies rise up in my stomach with how happy i feel when i'm with them together. Their bond with each other is nothing short of beautiful. I love my fiance to death, without him i have no clue what i'd do. But this friend that just moved back here out of the blue has stolen a piece of my heart already and he's only been here a short time. There are bonds so completely different than the bonds i have with my fiance and i love it. He pacifies me and JS when we argue and he's such a gentleman. He's good at things JS isn't and JS has good qualties that JM doesn't and they fit together so perfectly. And they both feel the same about me. So i was on this site all last night (and a few others) learning, preparing to bring it up to my fiance and his best friend (JM) well i talked to them both and they are willing to try it. We are going to sit down and discuss everything soon and i'm terrified. i'm not sure what they expect or what i want and i'd love some pointers on successful relationships and how they were so successful and questions i should ask and demands i might should make..... honestly any advice would be amazing. nothing has ever felt so right and exciting yet so scary at the same time!
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Old 03-28-2013, 02:05 AM
Nox Nox is offline
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That sounds interesting, and scary How long have you know the two of them together?
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Old 03-28-2013, 02:17 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You do not demand. You request.

See what kind(s) of open model relationship you guys are up for and agree on.

Figure out what you want and what you need and what your limits are. Tell them what your wants, needs, and limits are. Ask for theirs. Then respect their wants, needs, and limits.

Be careful of common pitfalls.

Here's some resources:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

Talk about how you want to be should the dating experiment end and people break up. Go slow. Especially since you cohabitate -- nobody needs to be losing their home life just because you decide to date. If you break up... will you be able to secure a new home in a decent amount of time? Or will this threaten your financial security/ability to live ok?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-28-2013 at 03:37 AM.
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  #4  
Old 03-28-2013, 02:55 AM
LPaigex LPaigex is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post

Talk about how you want to be should the dating experiment end and people break up. Go slow. Especially since you cohabitate -- nobody needs to be losing their home life just because you decide to date. If you break up... will you be able to secure a new home in a decent amount of time? Or will this threaten your financial security/ability to live ok?

Galagirl
we don't cohabitate we all live indepentently and i have a 7 month old son. but i do want to move slowly and cautiously just the same. i'm talking to JM, just getting to know him on a more personal level and i don't know i'm so excited and nervous! thank you for the advice and links <3
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Old 03-28-2013, 03:14 AM
LPaigex LPaigex is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by evad View Post
That sounds interesting, and scary How long have you know the two of them together?
I've known JM nearly as long as i've known JS only JM could only visit occasionally and i didn't even have a thought of a polyamorous relationship then. he moved back to town a month or so and we've been constantly together when not at work or another engagement. i love JS and i know JS and JM love each other on a friend/brotherly basis. they have a bond as strong as mine and JS's and i'm unnaturally attracted to JM, not taking away from my love of JS of course but it just feels so right.
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Old 03-28-2013, 03:19 AM
Nox Nox is offline
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Do they have a competitive nature? I know with my best friend growing up, that I could not have shared a woman with him. But then we were (and are) very competitive.
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Old 03-28-2013, 03:25 AM
LPaigex LPaigex is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by evad View Post
Do they have a competitive nature? I know with my best friend growing up, that I could not have shared a woman with him. But then we were (and are) very competitive.
They have wrestled and all but always fun and games it never gets competitive.
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Old 03-28-2013, 03:38 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Ah, ok. Thanks for the clarify.

Could keep living independently then. And talk about the engagement/marriage plans and how polyshipping will affect all that. Maybe you want a LONG engagement. Because one major life change at a time is easier than a bunch piled up on each other.

GL!
Galagirl
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Old 03-28-2013, 03:41 AM
LPaigex LPaigex is offline
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Originally Posted by evad View Post
Do they have a competitive nature? I know with my best friend growing up, that I could not have shared a woman with him. But then we were (and are) very competitive.
what do i do about display of affection? i mean jesse and i have been exclusive for 3 years how would he take seeing me kissing his best friend, even if he knows the deal already wouldn't that be awkward for him?
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  #10  
Old 03-28-2013, 04:05 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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All could accept "the new normal" is going to feel weird until enough time has passed and becomes the "old normal" and agree to take it one thing at a time.

Could also ask him what his thoughts and comfort level are with affectionate displays and if he's prepared to grieve "the loss of exclusive." You will go through that too -- maybe to a different degree. Even when all choose to Open? Open is NOT CLOSED. Maybe this thread could help.

Maybe he's totally fine with it. And you are pre-worrying for nothing. Or if it is awkward for him, ask him how he wants your support while he works through that?

Because it is reasonable to expect affection toward your sweetie. Even when the sweetie is not him.

Again -- could go slow. You could assume responsibility for your conduct, and assume your responsibility for providing your partners with APPROPRIATE support/nurture in polyshipping.

Could guard against wanting to control their behavior or control how they feel or wanting to do their responsibilities for them. Let them have their own space for that. Everyone holds their own emotional baggage. Everyone holds up their end of the responsibility sticks.

It doesn't have to be a bigger deal than it is. Just play ball responsibly and enjoy the unfolding of your new polyship.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-28-2013 at 04:10 AM.
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