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  #891  
Old 07-17-2014, 12:22 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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I don't have any profound advice to offer, I just wanted you to know that I hear your pain and I am sorry you are going through it. Sometimes the best we can do is endure from one day to the next -- or from one breath to the next.
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  #892  
Old 07-17-2014, 01:17 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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D.C. was interesting. I thought the White House would be bigger. I would love to visit again.

A good day turns into a bad day with the snap of my fingers. She has triggers. Her therapist said it could be a time, name, smell, a word, or anything. She does cycle like I do. I know her symptoms mirror mine. I have to be mindful of how I come off.

Their Grandma wants to move in or nearby and help out around the house. These days I just want to lay in bed and be by myself. Housework cannot be neglected. For that reason alone, a housekeeper was considered. It is not off the table. I am sitting in bed, eating popsicles, watching My Fair Wedding, and shopping online to feel better like I do not have plenty of housework to do. No desire. Thank God for my MIL being here. Nothing would get done until Matt or our girls got here. I probably would not leave the house today if I did not have to pick them up or attend family therapy tonight. My MIL has already informed me that we have a lunch date, and I need to be dressed by 12 because the reservation is for 12:30. She is determined to keep me active.

And thank you, Kevin. I have no idea how people cope with prolonged periods of depression. This will not last always. Keep calm and push forward, right?
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  #893  
Old 07-17-2014, 03:01 AM
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Absolutely right. Don't give up.

You have a lot of people pulling for you ... including me and many other members here on this forum.
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  #894  
Old 07-17-2014, 06:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
D.C. was interesting. I thought the White House would be bigger.
Me too

Quote:
A good day turns into a bad day with the snap of my fingers.
So keep track of the good times in 4 hr chunks or such (and how long it's been since she ate last when the melt down hits). Give her stickers for each 4 hrs without a melt down and a reward when she builds up a bunch. If she can express the frustration she is feeling WITHOUT the rage or overall melt down, then she can still get a sticker, etc.

I know you don't want meds for the depression, but definitely get help for it (therapy, vitamins, sunshine, exercise, etc.), it's starting to sound chronic, good for a few weeks and back into depression. I'd go for the housekeeper, nothing depresses me more than looking at a messy house and knowing I don't have the energy or desire to clean it up, makes me feel worthless, even if I have a good excuse.
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  #895  
Old 07-17-2014, 06:22 PM
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That sounds like good advice SNeacail.
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  #896  
Old 07-17-2014, 08:00 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Thank you for that excellent advice. I think I will try that.

I am still breastfeeding, so the list of what I can take is ridiculously short. The side effects of the available ones are dreadful. I am in CBT, and I want to avoid antidepressants at all costs. Depressive cycles are a pain in my side, though. It does seem to be chronic. I would love to be levelled again. That is where those lovely drugs come into play.

Sunshine is rare these days. It is winter and days are maybe 14-16○ and the nights are maybe 6○. Cooler weather. Plus, the weather has been rainy, stormy, and cloudy. I welcomed the summery weather in D.C. There is something to be said about sunny weather and blue skies. I definitely felt better and took every opportunity to be outside. I was happy on holiday. I do believe the weather played a part because even when babe and I got caught in the rain, it was still okay. I was happy and laughed off my blowdry being ruined. Then again, passionate kisses in the rain will make anything better. I could use more sunshine and happy moments in my life.

I am getting back into being involved with my philanthropic endeavours. I enjoy charity work. It makes me feel good inside. It is similar to work, but it is a beautiful distraction.

I am forcing myself to exercise. I am working out with Matt today. The weather is crappy, so no walking like we normally do. My nutritionist has been made aware my depression, and she is tweaking my diet. My diet plays an important role, too.

I will look into hiring a housekeeper and other staff. I do prefer my home to look like a model home. I just have no desire to clean. A clean home is supposedly a happy home!

I am getting out of the house today. My little charmer is spending the day with us, and I want to spend some quality time with him. If I do not feel any better within the next four weeks, I will consider antidepressants. I despise the idea. I am beginning to feel like a head case. I am not sure if it is pride, the stigma attached, or me being hard on myself, but it does not appeal to me.

Thank you both.
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  #897  
Old 07-18-2014, 09:38 PM
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Hang in there!
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  #898  
Old 07-29-2014, 04:27 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default Part I

I am exhausted, but I am happier than I have been in the past several weeks. Last week was non-stop. I had no time to be depressed. Monday and Tuesday were normal. Wednesday, my oldest and I went to Matauri Bay, New Zealand, for the night. I wanted to take one night and focus on her. The overnight stay afforded us the opportunity to talk, bond, and laugh at the silliest things. I enjoyed just talking to my daughter.

She wanted a family dinner with her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins on the actual day of her birthday. Planning her birthday dinner was not as simple as calling a local burger joint and informing them that x amount of guests would be attending. She loves Pinterest, so she knew exactly what she wanted and how she wanted everything to look. She is detail-oriented like me. (I care about and notice things like skulls on martini glasses or the patterns of Swarovski crystals on napkin holders that match the patterns on the plates.) We had to hire an event planner and a venue to accommodate at least 50-75 people, but it was no easy feat. The per head or minimum spend rates for some of the restaurants here were eye-watering. It was a 15 year old's birthday dinner. Not a wedding reception or corporate party! The venue she ultimately chose was perfect. They did have a minimum spend amount for their private room, but we surpassed it because we had 70 people present. I love when the two families get together and get on well. The dinner was filled with laughter, good times, and memories that will be cherished forever. More importantly, everyone was there to help celebrate her first birthday with our family.

Friday was the night of the party for her friends. She wanted it to be all about celebrating life and having fun. She was like, "Mum, we have to have good food, a candy bar or dessert table, a hot DJ, plenty of space to dance, ice sculptures, lighting, mocktails, gift bags, and fireworks." She attends an all girls school, but word spread to the brother school and other schools. It was like an under 18 club. Surprisingly, there were no fights, foolishness, or drama. Everyone did well.

My grandmother listened to the lyrics of one song, and I swear she was about to turn colours, clutch pearls, and/or faint. She was like, "Lizzy, what did he just say? He is going to knock WHAT out like what?!" The lyrics were something along the lines of "knocking the pussy out like fight night." Gasp worthy lyrics at any rate. I am used to listening to rap/hip hop, so I know it is nothing clean. Apparently, Iggy Azalea is popular with the teens. They went bananas when any of her songs were played. Would I let my five year old listen to music like that? No, but there is no sense in shielding my oldest. I do wish someone would have warned me about the way teens dance. Perhaps this is why I have yet to volunteer to chaperone any balls or formals at my daughter's school. There was more grinding and twerking going on. I am like, "How in the bloody hell do you twerk in a dress?" Madness.

My daughter asked that guests donate to a list of charities instead of spending their money on gifts for her. She did the A to Z's of national and lesser known charities. She was like, "Mum, there are very few people who do not know someone who has had Alzheimer's, breast cancer, leukaemia, diabetes, etc. There is someone in the world who can use that money more than me." In addition to the charities, she also had a drive for the local food bank because, "No one should have to go hungry."

Relaxation was a long way off after Thursday and Friday. In the wee hours of the morning, my mum, SILs, MIL, and youngest daughter, accompanied her and a group of her friends to Byron Bay. She really wanted to attend Splendour in the Grass. Now, my husband was originally supposed to come, but he was like, "Stay at home, sleep late, watch what I want, and watch one kid vs. screaming, hormonal, angsty teenagers talking about a chap who's soooo ace. Love you. See you on Sunday." We stayed in Byron Bay and commuted to the Parklands. I was not up for camping on the grounds. The concerts were awesome. I treated the girls to manicures and pedicures at our favourite nail salon. We made it into a girls weekend. They only had interest in one act on Sunday: Sam Smith. After he got off the stage, we floored it to the airport. Where are the warnings that come with adolescents? I had a very enjoyable weekend, but I could not wait to hand them off to their parents on Sunday. They were not going to get knocked up, drunk, pierced, tatted up, or be featured on some knockoff of Girls Gone Wild on my watch. For some of them, this past weekend was their first taste of freedom, and it showed. Boy, did it ever?!

I spent Sunday night snuggled up in front of a cosy fire with a bottle of chilled wine and my dashing hubby. All I wanted was to lay in his arms, listen to his heartbeat, and close my eyes.

I am glad the birthday extravaganza is over. I am thrilled that she was able to celebrate with our loved ones. I am proud of her for being selfless and wanting to make her special day about helping others. I suppose we are doing something right when it comes to raising her to have humility and to be selfless and aware of the world around her. She knows that she has been blessed, and she wants to give back.
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  #899  
Old 07-29-2014, 04:30 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default Part II

Mr. Grey (formerly known as Matt) and I have been "closed" for almost a year. We made the decision to formally close on my 33rd birthday last year. Legally, it was not implemented until negotiations for the new postnup were complete, but we made the decision on the evening of my birthday. I wrote about it on here a few days after the decision came down.

I wrote the following on 06/08/2013:

Quote:
We had one of the most in-depth heart to hearts, and it was how we came to the decision to simply be in a closed, married polyship. It is with the understanding that I will not act on anything. I am committed to just us. I am free to talk to him about that side of my life without him expressing discontentment or acting like it is a pain in his bum. We have a healthy relationship structure. Poly will not consume our lives like it has in the past. It is a happy medium. He is mono, and I guess I am poly-friendly. That is about as superficial of a label as I desire. I am just happy that he accepts me and acknowledges that my views may not be cookie cutter traditional. The best part of our new happy medium is that he has no desire to change me in to what he thinks I should be.
Closing was not something that I took lightly. Even with a significant structure change, I do not and will not identify as mono. I eschew most labels. I simply say that my saturation point just happens to be one. Why am I writing about this now? It is almost time to renew our postnuptial agreement. The infidelity-esque clause is still in it, and it will continue to be.

The past year and a half was rife with the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. It was the worst kind of emotional rollercoaster. Days where we were not on speaking terms. Days where divorce was closer than anyone could have ever imagined. Days that started and ended with tears. Days where being in the same room was too painful and hard. Days where I cried so much that no more tears would fall. We have had days where looking at each other was impossible. Days where the friendship we spent years building was not within reach. We are in this together. I love Mr. Grey. My heart still falls for him just as hard as when I was 19. I am almost 34. There is no other man for me. In the 15 years I have known him, no other man has ever caught my attention. The moment we met caused a reaction that has ultimately resulted in what is going to be a lifelong attachment.

This time last year, Mr. Grey was a stranger, and I wanted him to make his way back to me some kind of way. Was closing the marriage a last bid? No, I made the decision strongly based on the fact that I was--at that point--struggling to keep one relationship from sinking. I accepted that maintaining two was out of the question and quite possibly the most unattainable idea known to mankind. He never asked me to take dating off the table. I took it off the table completely and asked for it to be implemented legally. He was brought into the loop after my decision was made. I presented it to him, and his request was that it should go both ways. Even without the realisation that one was my saturation point, what I thought I wanted was not what I necessarily needed.

I am happy with one person. My saturation was two because that was what I thought I had time for. Pffft. Not even. I was not happy with two because I could not handle two. If you are not happy with something, why not try something different? I have heard people say that one person cannot meet all of your needs. I agree with that wholeheartedly. Thus, I have friends, interests of my own, and people that do not have to be romantically or sexually affiliated with me to meet my needs. I have more needs than those in the bedroom. I had two relationships, and I felt empty because I was too burned out to enjoy them. Plus, I only wanted and cared about one of them. I neglected that one to tend to the one I had no fucks to give about. I wore myself out trying to keep up with appearances. When a relationship becomes a source of unhappiness, constant work, and discontentment...it needs to go.

Will my interest in poly ever return? As time progresses, I think I know the answer. I have to wonder, "What would a new relationship bring to my life? What would it take away from my life? What would it take away from my family? What would I have to give up or sacrifice to have it? Are those sacrifices worth it? Is a new relationship worth losing my marriage?" He has made no secret that a new relationship automatically means the end of our marriage. Even without his recent assertion, I had already weighed what would be taken away, and it will never be worth it.

A year on, and I am still taking stock.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 07-29-2014 at 04:32 AM.
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  #900  
Old 07-29-2014, 02:21 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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Mr Grey, now, is it? As in 50 Shades of?
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