Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #831  
Old 05-08-2014, 02:33 AM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 790
Default

I remember reading somewhere that the bonds between people who've been through hell together (traumatic experiences, battle, etc.) can be incredibly strong, based on coming through the hardship together. You and Matt have been through hell and back, and I do believe that getting through it successfully only makes a relationship stronger. I'm glad things are going well for you two.

Don't worry about not living up to your parents' relationship - you're continuing to build a strong one of your own, a different one, and that's as it should be. Your parents may have gone through different hells of their own.

A big congrats to your parents on their anniversary, BTW.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
  #832  
Old 05-08-2014, 05:42 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,549
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
It is frustrating for me because I have no idea what the real issues are at this moment. I think I need to do some investigating or just shelve this and deal with it later.
This is understandable. Admitting to struggling with finding the real issue is a good step. Sometimes we can "investigate" or beat an issue to death and that in itself becomes a bigger problem, so sometimes shelving it for now can be helpful, especially when no answers are forthcoming at this time. It's very likely that there are no answers, because it's no longer a real issue based on other actions we have taken.

Quote:
I believe I quit therapy too soon. Our marriage is healthy and strong, but I am a hot piping emotional mess.
So start up again. If I remember, you were on therapy overload and needed a break, now that things are in a different place, maybe it's time to start up again. New starting point and new/different issues. Do NOT forget to stop and take a look at all you have accomplished so far.
Reply With Quote
  #833  
Old 05-08-2014, 07:32 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 868
Default

YAH, I have often heard my elders say that. I would imagine so. I can think of quite a few examples in my family and his family, too. I am closer to Matt now. There are still days where I want to strangle him--usually about him being tight with finances--but all in all, I have no complaints with him. He has put up with me all these years, so I hope he knows that it is too late to run away from it all.

I agree. I simply appreciate and respect the longevity. In this day and age, some people just give up at the first sign of trouble. I want no part of their trials and tribulations. I have had my share of hell the past year.
Reply With Quote
  #834  
Old 05-08-2014, 07:54 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 868
Default

I was trying to avoid going back to therapy. I suppose I will know when the time is right to resume, or I will work out my issues internally. Unless she can help with my desire for emotional monogamy, I am not sure I need to be in a rush to go back. I can ignore my feelings for others and treat them as irrelevant, but that does not erase them or make me feel any better about loving someone other than my spouse. Having feelings for others makes me feel like I am being at the very least emotionally unfaithful, and it goes against what I am trying to achieve. I have no interest in being a hybrid of poly and a monogamist. This is where the conflict is coming in.
Reply With Quote
  #835  
Old 05-09-2014, 03:37 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,712
Default

Perhaps this is like quitting smoking, and you still catch yourself thinking, "Mmmm, a cigarette sounds really good right now." Is there any chance this is a case where you're catching yourself thinking, "I'm seriously thinking about having that cigarette right now?" Notice the key difference in the wording there.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #836  
Old 05-09-2014, 07:21 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 868
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Perhaps this is like quitting smoking, and you still catch yourself thinking, "Mmmm, a cigarette sounds really good right now." Is there any chance this is a case where you're catching yourself thinking, "I'm seriously thinking about having that cigarette right now?" Notice the key difference in the wording there.
Interesting play on words.

No, I do not want the figurative cigarette. The patch must be working overtime because that cigarette never sounds good. It is like I recognise the damage that cigarette could do to my otherwise healthy living, so I know to avoid it.
Reply With Quote
  #837  
Old 05-09-2014, 07:25 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,712
Default

Well, that's a hopeful sign.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #838  
Old 05-12-2014, 11:24 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 868
Default Part I: 100th Birthday Celebrations, Mother's Day, and Bungy Jumping?

I hope everyone had a Happy Mother's Day.

I had a brilliant weekend, so I am in excellent spirits.

Friday: we flew to Sydney for an overnight stay. While at the airport, I received the best surprise. My MIL knew how much I had been missing my mum and family, so she made arrangements to get them here for a long weekend. My mum tapped me on the shoulder, and I could have cried. I hugged her for what seemed like forever. I just saw my mum last month, but I was recovering from pneumonia. I do miss seeing her all the time. My brothers are on a half-term break, so they are leaving on Tuesday morning. I am happy about that because I did not want them missing school.

We were in Sydney to attend my grandmother-in-law's 100th birthday party. It was a special evening because she is 100 years old. It is a major milestone, and I am happy that we were able to celebrate it with her. She is a class act, and I love how close we have gotten over the years. I respect her a great deal, and I am honoured to have someone like her in my life.

Matt and I went out after our children were in bed. Admittedly, I was distracted. I felt comfortable sharing what has been bothering me. We talked about my recent concerns. Basically, he trusts me. He does not think I should isolate myself from my best friend or even my ex because of the existing feelings. He believes I would do well to trust myself and my own judgement. He was quick to point out that I am still holding on to my end of our arrangement and respecting our marriage, so obviously, I am capable. He has no issue with me having feelings for someone else as long as there continues to be no disrespectful or trust breaking conduct. He spelled out what constitutes disrespectful, trust breaking, and even marriage sacrificing. We did discuss boundaries. He let me take the lead and listened intently. Anything physical like PDA or any romantic exchanges will be limited to my marriage. Personally, I do not feel comfortable carrying on in certain manners. He said, "Whatever makes you comfortable, sweetheart. Never been one to tell you what to do. Not starting now either. " The flirty, non-sexual exchanges with my best friend are done. Regardless as to what he says, it comes off as disrespectful to me. Yes, he has been aware of it, but to someone looking in and not familiar with the dynamic between Brit and myself, it would look bad. (Why is his wife kissing someone else?) According to him, I am putting too much pressure on myself to be the perfect wife, and I just need to chill. That might be true, but I have to be mindful of how I conduct myself. The talk was productive, and I am sure more chats will be had in the future about why I felt like I was nothing but a candy coated cheater. Our date night was not the time. I was willing to discuss that, but my interest in discussing it further waned.

We left the lounge a little after 2. We were both hungry because dinner had worn off. We had Hungry Jacks (the American equivalent is Burger King). Matt thought it my unpretentiousness was ace. He said, "A woman who wears a dress that costs more than a mortgage while tucking into fast food is my kind of woman." That is how I roll.

We made it back to our suite around 3ish, and we were both exhausted, so we made love in the shower and went to bed.

Saturday: the whole family flew to Queenstown. I was feeling like a bad ass, so we went bungy jumping. 134 metres of liberation. Matt and I did the swing together. Nothing more sexy than straddling your man and swinging hundreds of metres above the ground with a reinforced rubber band holding you together. It was exhilarating.

We had afternoon tea overlooking Lake Wakatipu with the Remarkables as the backdrop. We took all of the little ones ice skating and to this indoor activity centre. The last stop was Amisfield for lunch Some of the adults chose to go wine tasting. The younger children enjoyed the fresh air and running around. We headed to the airport and jetted to Kerikeri. My little ones slept the whole flight. We checked in at our resort. Since one family is Anglican and one family is Catholic, we found a way to respect the beliefs of both families. We attended a Saturday evening Mass and rested until dinner.

After multiple courses and dessert, we were all ready to retire. We headed back to the resort and said our good-nights. Matt and I did our bath and bedtime routine with our two youngest children. I checked on our oldest, and she was getting ready for bed. We talked for awhile. It has been a pleasure to watch her blossom and come out of her shell.

Matt went to bed before me. My mum and I trekked down to the private beach and went for a midnight stroll. I love our heart to hearts. She told me she was proud of me and how much I had grown up. She admitted to worrying about me because she could see that I was hurting myself and those I loved. As a mother, she decided to let me make my mistakes and learn from them. We talked about my past, and she (finally) admitted what I always suspected. I cannot be mad at her for speaking her truth. I respect her for being honest and comfortable enough to tell me what was hard to hear. My mum and I have always been close, and I will always be happy to spend time with her. Never will I ever be too busy or too wrapped up in my world for her. Before we headed in, I stopped and hugged her. She asked what the hug was for? I responded, "I do not say it half as much as I should, but I love you." Best start to Mother's Day.

Today: my children surprised me with breakfast in bed. I started my morning with a delicious breakfast and cuddles with all three. Matt had our son give me an envelope when I got out of the shower. I opened it, and it was a spa day at Kauri Cliffs. All the men in the family wanted every mum to relax and not have to lift a finger.

We attended an Anglican service Sunday morning, and then, we were whisked away by helicopter. The Bay of Islands is truly stunning from the air. When we landed on the heliport, we were greeted with champagne and shown to our individual spa suites. We were all early for our treatments, so we had morning yoga and lounged in the sauna and Jacuzzi. In between treatments, we were treated to a three course lunch in a private garden. The treatments were a godsend. New Zealand Manuka honey is my new favourite. My skin is silky, and I am still in a state of euphoria. Outside of the treatments, I rarely get to spend time with Matt's sisters and the in-laws, but I had a very enjoyable morning/early afternoon with them. They are a diverse group of women, and I would like to think we bonded over the weekend.

We left the spa a little before 4, and we made it back to our resort before sunset. Our husbands and children (with the help of a few chefs) had spent the day creating a sumptuous dinner from the heavens. I must admit the meal was delicious. We started with fresh oysters and ceviche, spinach, arugula and macerated strawberry salads, and crayfish bisque. The main was Wagyu Filet Mignon topped with bianchetto and caramelised onions with sides of Potato Puree, Steamed Organic Carrots, and Grilled Asparagus. We had a dessert trio and our choice of Petit Fours. Each course was paired with an NZ wine. My favourite was the dessert wine. It perfectly completed the Pavlova I fell in love with. We capped the meal with blooming tea.

After dinner, we took our children to see Rio 2 and to the beach. I was presented with my gifts. I loved all of them. I appreciate the effort and thought more than anything, though.

Every day is Mother's Day for me because I am honoured to be a mum of three angels. They have no idea how much the inspire me to be better than the day before. I love being a mum. By far the greatest thing I have ever accomplished. No amount of net worth, degrees, holiday homes, money, or anything can compare to the love and pride I have in being a mother.
Reply With Quote
  #839  
Old 05-12-2014, 12:31 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 868
Default Part II: Family, Forgiveness, and Decadent Gelato

Matt and our children returned home earlier today. He went to work and got them to school on time. I did not want them missing school, and the left before the sun was even up. I was already scheduled to be off, so I had no worry of missing work. My parents and I decided to stay at the villa until checkout, and we flew to Auckland, so we could return to Sydney. I spent the entire afternoon with my family, and it was a very relaxing day. Everything from surfing with my brother to having lunch with my daddy. We made it back to Sydney about four hours ago. We had dinner and did some sightseeing. Since they have to be at the airport for an insanely early time, they have already retired for the evening. I am out right now and waiting for my youngest sister-in-law to get here. I am about 10 km east of Sydney, but it is a nice, beachy area, so I am never one to complain about that.

I talked to Kensi a little while ago. She left me a voicemail for Mother's Day. I had my phone in airplane mode, but it was sweet of her to call. I have adopted a policy of full disclosure with her, so I have to be careful of how I say things. It is never my intent to offend, but delivery and presentation are everything. I am still on burnout, so no seeking therapy. It is quite funny how the message at the Anglican church yesterday spoke volumes to me. The sermon was all about forgiveness. I could say, "I have truly forgiven and let it go." The message hit home for me, and it was like he was speaking directly to me. I was thinking, "Get out of my thoughts, sir." I am happy we are rebuilding little by little. Life seems to have gotten better now that I am not carrying that weight around. It was weighing me down and running me down. Not forgiving her was bad for my health and state of mind. I have read medical journals regarding Behavioural Psychology and forgiveness. Yet, I never acknowledged what I was doing to myself by holding on to all of that.

She asked me if she soured me on poly? Truthfully, a little bit. I do not ever want to encounter another cowgirl in my life. One was enough. I am fiercely protective of my marriage and family. I was entirely too lax in the past, and it bit me in the bum. Our therapist called it a potential negative. I call it a lesson learned. Someone I know once implied that my decision to never date again is fear based. Sorry, cupcake. Not quite that simple. I do not believe it would serve any purpose to date anyone ever again. I am not dating material.Better for me to admit that than to break a heart. All some poor person would do is never get their needs met because couple's privilege or family privilege would reign supreme. When that is not happening, they would have to respect my arsenal of boundaries. 99% are non-negotiable. I would not want overnights. I would not cut down on family time or time with my children. I would not want a second sexual relationship. I am no longer comfortable with that. I would not want them to ever interact with my children, which in turn means, they would never be in my home. Under no circumstances would the relationship ever be out or exposed to my family, my friends, or his family and friends. Whatever I did in the past would be the polar opposite of the present. I know that I have nothing to offer someone but friendship. I have not fallen in love in 14 years. I keep a tight knit circle, so the odds of me falling in love again are virtually nonexistent. I am not keen on new people, and I do not warm to new people with ease.

My daddy asked about Kensi, which is what prompted all this. I explained the above to him. We had a lengthy discussion about my ex and my relationship with her. He admitted to being a bit ashamed of my choices and never telling anyone about her. He proudly mentioned his son-in-law, but she never came up. Even if someone asked because they had heard something through the grapevine, he would not engage in the conversation. He said my being a lesbian was a hard enough pill to swallow, but the choice to be poly and out did embarrass him. Subconsciously, I knew that. I could see the look in his eyes when she was around, and I knew he was uncomfortable with her being present. He always kept his distance. It was hard to listen to him, but I needed to hear it. It is the first candid conversation we have had about her and the end of our relationship. Daddy takes the stance of letting his children live their lives and not butting in. I was surprised when he said he hoped I would let go of Matt and let him be happy. I learned quite a bit over our discussion. I could never be mad at my daddy, so that conversation is water under the bridge. I would love to have a chat like this with my mum, but I think she is too busy privately celebrating that I am "normal" now.

I hope everyone is doing well. I am about to enjoy some red velvet gelato, talk to my SIL, and eventually head back to my hotel for a few hours of sleep. I will probably be heading straight to work when I step off of my flight in the AM. I suppose I have not given up all of my jet-setting ways. I am a bit sad because my family is leaving in a few short hours, and I am not entirely sure when I will see them again. Either way, I loved having them here, and I will miss them dearly. Good-night.
Reply With Quote
  #840  
Old 05-12-2014, 08:06 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,712
Default

Wonderful and engaging narrative. I am glad you had, not only a very enjoyable weekend, but a very candid one as well. I like how the past could be discussed in an honest and respectful way.

Not much going on on this side of the globe. Temps are supposed to go up a lot mid-week this week, but otherwise it's been rather cool. Anyway, glad to read your new posts, they were encouraging.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:14 PM.