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  #791  
Old 03-27-2014, 07:18 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Mags, your comments about money is just snarky and resentful. Costs of childcare were mentioned a while back and for what most of us here in the states pay for daycare for one child, we could have a full time nanny elsewhere. For those prices, I'd have hired a full time nanny also. Anyone who says they wouldn't hire some kind of help if they could afford it is either lying or masochistic - or they are so caught up in the belief that they are a failure if they don't do everything themselves.

When doing a long distance move, it isn't that much more expensive to let the movers pack it and un-pack it, local move - that's another story. You just have to be careful, those guys will pack up the trash and move it, if you don't stop them. Happened to a friend of mine - and it sat in storage for 3 months .
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  #792  
Old 03-27-2014, 08:51 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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It is $135/day for our son's nursery. He goes four days a week, and they only give one free week per year. Quick math will reveal we pay more for him to go to a nursery than some students spend on tuition at uni. It is cheaper to have a nanny here. We only pay the nanny for what she works. If he is out sick for a week, we still have to pay just like he was there. That is just tuition. That does not include other fees like the instructional fee every term or rate increases.
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  #793  
Old 03-28-2014, 02:07 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
No criticism/reminders from me, FWIW. I can see there is a risk involved in attempting to adopt, in that the adoption may be rejected by the board for whatever reasons (and we all have reasons why an adoption board could reject us -- I certainly do). I think you chose to foster/adopt because your heart said yes and your mind said, "I think we can do this."
I have heard of people getting rejected for the most mundane of reasons, so I know what we are up against. Our hearts and minds said yes. Nothing in my life has followed any sort of path the past year. The only thing that was planned was moving half-way across the world. Other than that, I never know what to expect from day to day. I did not wake up one day and say, "Let's expand our family right now." If I wanted to do that, I would have had my implant removed and let nature take its course.

For the first time in 12 years, I had the chance to do something that was not just about me, my happiness, my wants, and my so-called "needs." That was all poly was, and when all was said and done, I felt incredibly selfish and foolish behind some of my choices. It benefited no one but me, and I dislike the feelings attached with that. I grew up and out of that. This is something bigger than me or my former ego. Crazy? Implusive? Sure, but I see the benefits every day. I have watched that child blossom and come out of her shell. Something is alive in her eyes and spirit. She is comfortable, happy, and considers this her home. The one thing she has never had is that sense of family or a place to call home, and now, she has that. No amount of money can buy that. That tells me we did something right for her. As cliché as it may sound, she has complemented me as a person and helped round me out. Do I have any regrets? No. I am confident in our decision to adopt and make her part of our family.

Our marriage was not and will never be perfect. This is the strongest it has been in years, and we survived some serious obstacles. Nonetheless, we are still standing. The timing was not what we planned, but sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind and just let go and let a higher power take over. It has been rather liberating and freeing.

The moment when my feet hit the floor and I hear my children laughing, talking, and/or running is best start to the morning. The moments I live for are the ones like singing our youngest to sleep, talking to our oldest about the boy she likes, or snuggling up with my princess watching "Princess and the Frog." Hands down being a mum is my greatest and proudest accomplishment.

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And the same goes for dieting issues. My issue is that I weigh "too much" (compared to what is considered "normal"). Sure I could do better about diet and exercise (not that I do horrible), but there's a limit to how much you can worry about such things and still live a life that is happy (or at least tolerable) for you. I should give up sugar for Lent but I know I'd never follow through with that commitment. I just know me. Regimentation goes over like a lead brick. I do much better (internally at least) when I make intuitive decisions as I go along.
Ehh. Normal and too much are subjective. You can be scary skinny and be more unhealthy than if you were overweight. Everybody is different. I would rather not worry about my diet. The only perk is I can indulge on Sunday's. I would much rather be noshing on this than giving up sugar for 40 days:



This is what a 10 kg bar of Cadbury looks like. Costco is my new best friend. (And yes, that is $179!)

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So okay, some of us are curvaceous, others are light on the scale. This is not a problem, it is called diversity. As long as you don't starve yourself to death, I'll not concern myself with the details of what you eat (or don't eat). Take care of yourself, your husband, and your kids, and you will be fine.
I will drink some tea to that!

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As for class warfare and its euphemistic relatives, it makes me feel much better when people respect each other's lot in life whatever that may be. Last time I checked money is only important when you're so bad off you're living on the streets not knowing where your next meal will come from. Since I am much better off than that, I don't begrudge you a few perks in life, especially given the highly-valued occupations you and Matt are engaged in. In fact I am gratified that you don't talk down to me at all. I know some people would let their high status go to their head. You don't and I commend you for it.
I have lead a very charmed life, but it does not make me better than anyone. I won the vagina lottery and all the perks that came with it. My parents made sure I was grounded, humble, and could maintain a safe distance from the hype. My mum would skin me alive if ever she heard of me having my nose in the air or talking down on anybody. She has no issue bringing me back down to earth. I am a chameleon. I can relate to everybody, and I enjoy being flexible.

I am always surprised when people meet me and tell me I was not what they were expecting. They expect some uppity, unapproachable individual and get little old me. I usually encounter that when I do charity work. I usually have on no make-up, and I am wearing jeans and rocking a bun. There is no need for glam. I refuse to write a cheque and act like I have done so much. I prefer to be hands on. I just did my monthly wardrobe cleaning and donated clothing to one of my patronages. The clothing is sold to help women are looking for work or have recently been employed. They offer personal styling, interview prep, etc. Of course women need appropriate work attire, and when you look good, you feel good. I will be working in the store later on today and tomorrow. I am happy to help, and I love talking to the women the charity helps.

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Perhaps it's because I'm rather me-centric, but the truth of the matter is I'll seldom pass judgment without an insidious pattern of unmitigated, unwarranted, personal provocation. Since you have never been anything but courteous and kind towards me, I am inclined to return the favor.
Thank you. That is just me being me.

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You will have more challenges in your life I'm sure. We all do. We all need "the help of the gods" from time to time. It is not a perfect world. Like Job, you can have a great deal in life on one day, then lose it all the next. And if you're like me, you end up hurting people in your life as well. Do the best you can to make up for the bad and don't be afraid to hope for the good. That's my vote anyway.
Challenges make me stronger because they are the moments that test my faith and make it real. I have hurt people, and while I cannot undo the hurt, I can do better and not make the same mistakes. I have learned, and I am still finding my way. Better than I was but not the best that I can be, yet.
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  #794  
Old 03-28-2014, 03:26 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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That sounds fine to me.

Wow, a $179 Cadbury bar? (Shaking head.) Just imagine if that were a Cadbury egg. They could call it a dinosaur egg.

Anyhow, carry on. I'm thinking your mum is probably pretty pleased, and she should be.
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  #795  
Old 03-28-2014, 02:05 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I wish it was an egg. Cadbury would be after my heart. $180 for a chocolate bar. I was seriously considering buying one. My dentist would have a fit if she saw that.

I did something yesterday that needed to be done. I finally had a sit down discussion with my ex. Si e-mailed me weeks back and asked if we could meet up at my earliest convenience. I was hesitant. I mulled over it, got advice from the most unlikely source (Matt's grandmother), and had to figure out if I was in the frame of mind to not reach across the table and slap the hell out of her. No worries. I did nothing of the sort.

I walked into the coffee shop, and she was already there. The first thing she said was, "Thank you for coming." There was the awkward moment where I was not sure if I should extend a hand or do a courteous cheek kiss. We sat down, and it was strange being close to her. She looked different. Her hair is darker. She has lost weight, and her eyes lacked the depth they once had. What I saw was more along the lines of pain, emptiness, and sadness. It was actually hard for me to look her in the eyes because I felt like I was looking at the shell of a person.

Our waiter appeared, and we ordered. I am not one to waste time, so as soon as he left, I asked her why she wanted to meet? The first thing she offered was an apology. The apologies were for abandoning my child, trying to break apart my marriage and family, using Matt and our children as pawns, disappointing and hurting me, letting her jealousy drive her to the point of ever thinking she could take Matt's place as my spouse and parent of our children, etc. Naturally, my eyebrow was arched and raised to the gods. I had a moment where I wondered if it was all part of a new game and a new round of bullshit. Then, I realised she has nothing to gain because she has had no contact with me, and the last time we were face-to-face, it was not one of happy go-lucky times. She admitted to being sick with shame and embarrassed by her behaviour. Karma has given her a swift kick in the bum, too. She went on to explain that she really did love me but never having the entanglements that we had started weighing her down. I listened to her and heard her out without interrupting her. While I do not condone what she did, I am empathetic.

My side of the conversation was a release. It was an emotional conversation. I decided transparency was for the best. I felt like she needed to know the truth. After all, what was I protecting her from? The truth? That benefits no one. I am not sure why, but I asked, "What did I do to deserve the way you treated me?" All she could mumble was, "Nothing." Like I told her, initially, I tried to make it fair in every sense of the word, but she always wanted more and more. Nothing was ever good enough. I could have given her the stars, the planet, and an ocean, but she would have wanted more. I went against my husband and even my own wishes, and she basically used her place in my life as leverage to gain the upper hand over him. I loved her, but I have spent 12 months regretting every year I spent with her because of selfish choices. When she told me she loved me, I thought part of love was trust and respect. I doubted her love because she did not respect me enough to say, "Hey Ry. I cannot do this, and I would rather break your heart now than destroy the single most important thing to you." I asked her, "How did you sleep at night and live with yourself? How deluded could you possibly be to think I would just get over a crippling divorce, custody dispute, and ride off into the sunset with you?" I was not trying to make her cry, but I did. All she could do was say, "I am sorry. Do you hate me?" A simple "no" was sufficient. We were both quiet. She broke the silence and asked, "Where do we go from here?" I shrugged and sipped my tea. The words that came to me were, "Forgiveness knows no conditions, and it must be done with an open heart to accommodate it. I do not have a magic wand to wave and grant forgiveness, but I know it is an internal process. My heart is not there yet, but in time, that may change." She understood.

The tone of the conversation changed to a more light-hearted nature. For a brief moment, it was nice to feel something other than anger towards her. I saw a glimpse of the woman I called a friend all those years. Did I enjoy the familiarity of seeing her smile or hearing her laugh? Sure. I do not believe she is a bad person, and I cared a great deal for her. I probably still do, but it is deeply buried. I miss the friendship we had. I miss watching Downton Abbey with her. I miss going to high tea and meeting up for lunch. Would it be nice to have some of that back? Sure. We talked for about an hour. I walked her to her car, and in an uncharacteristic move, we hugged. She gave me her number and asked if we could do it again some time. I told her maybe. We left, and I headed home.

When I got home, Matt was in the shower. I decided to go ahead and tell him then. I am not sure why we have these types of conversations while one of us is showering. He seemed surprised, but he did not shut the conversation down. I was suspicious of him and why he was listening and engaged in the conversation. I asked him, "Is this the part where you tell me that I am making a mistake and being bloody daft, or will you wait until something happens and imply that you told me so?" He stepped out, laughed, and said, "Nope. Just the part where I remind you that I trust you and your judgement." With that, he kissed me and walked out of the bathroom to get dressed for our date.

Trying to change the past is like trying to get yesterday back. I might be open to the idea of rebuilding a friendship with her, and I might be warming to the idea of going to therapy in the future. Do I feel better? I suppose. It was cathartic, and it needed to happen. The conversation was controlled, respectful, and there was no drink throwing, yelling, or anything dramatic. Being transparent and direct works better than beating around the bush and avoidance. I do feel like a weight has been lifted. The anger has subsided for the moment. Little glimmer of optimism and hope? Maybe.
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  #796  
Old 03-28-2014, 05:36 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
He stepped out, laughed, and said, "Nope. Just the part where I remind you that I trust you and your judgement." With that, he kissed me and walked out of the bathroom to get dressed for our date.
Wiping a tear away . This was sweet.

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Do I feel better? I suppose. It was cathartic, and it needed to happen.
Then it was a good thing. Keeping that anger around, even if it's justified can eat you up.
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  #797  
Old 03-28-2014, 11:09 PM
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This brings back to my mind the post where I mentioned my brother's four levels of forgiveness:
  • letting go of the pain the person caused you,
  • developing compassion and understanding toward that person,
  • doing something nice for that person,
  • trusting that person again.
Does this still seem to be true, now that you have met up with Si? Which of those four levels would you say you're at now?

Back when we introduced this concept to this thread, you described where you were at as basically completing the first level but no further:

Quote:
"I really do not feel any pain. It is more anger, betrayal, disappointment, and disgust. I feel no empathy or compassion for her. I want to shake her and scream, 'Own up to what you did and stop blaming it on everybody.' I still have days where the first thought with name association is, 'Backstabbing bitch.' I have tried to understand why she did what she did, but I cannot put myself in her shoes to walk that path."
Where do you feel you are today in comparison to then?

Something that has struck me about those four levels is that the higher the level, the more it tends to require the participation of the person who hurt you. You could let go of the pain without any effort on Si's part, perhaps without Si even caring whether you forgave her. But now that she is beginning to participate, and is beginning to take action and begin the repentance process by expressing regret for what she did and owning up to it, it seems to make it possible for your heart to open up to her just a little. Maybe even do something (just a little something) nice by giving her a hug.

In any case, it would be hard for both you and her to go as far as that fourth level. My brother says you have to give the offending party a reasonable set of steps they can follow to regain your trust. Well, I am thinking the quest Si would have to accomplish would be that she would have to regain Matt's trust before she could regain yours.

I can't imagine how Si would accomplish that. I don't know where Matt is in terms of forgiveness level but I'm sure it's far from the fourth level. I wonder if it would help if Si wrote Matt a hand-written letter? I'm sure Matt wouldn't be willing to meet her for lunch or tea, but maybe he'd be willing to read that letter (without crumpling it up). If so, it would give Si a chance to apologize to him, and own up to what she did.

Of course, even doing all four levels would not mean that you could let her back into your life again. It's not a matter of trusting her. The fact is, there simply isn't room for her in your life anymore. You have found out that polyamory doesn't work for you. I suppose the best Si could hope for (hypothetically) is to become a cordial friend, though not one who could ever see the children. How could she ever regain their trust? It is a riddle; perhaps there is no answer.
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  #798  
Old 03-29-2014, 03:59 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Wiping a tear away . This was sweet.
Adding that to the list of reasons why he continues to be my fave. He has sweet moments.

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Then it was a good thing. Keeping that anger around, even if it's justified can eat you up.
I agree wholeheartedly. I certainly feel better now that I am not carrying that weight around, and it has been almost 24 hours later. No sudden resurgence of anger. Disliking her was hurting me more than it was hurting her. I have freely chosen to work towards forgiveness and from a place of positive energy.
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  #799  
Old 03-29-2014, 04:39 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Gosh I play the lottery all the time ...powerball ...Megamillions ...how do you play "enter " the vagina lottery ....and how do you know if you've won?

forget it ..just count me in....I'll do it for the stories later
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Old 03-29-2014, 10:31 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Gosh I play the lottery all the time ...powerball ...Megamillions ...how do you play "enter " the vagina lottery ....and how do you know if you've won?

forget it ..just count me in....I'll do it for the stories later
Matt's great aunt said that last weekend. My SIL asked her if she was looking forward to the royal family visiting in her city, and her response was, "Everyone in that family and all generations bred from old money have won the lottery. Take what's-her-name. She delivered the future king. Women give birth every day. Her baby is more important than all the rest because he came out of the royal vag. Does the average baby have millions of pounds to their name and know their destiny is to be king? No, but he came out of the right one and one the vagina lottery. Same goes for those trust fund brats." We all were looking at each other and trying to figure out what to say. She probably thinks the same thing about anyone who married into their family. She refers to her son's ex-wife as that gold-digging "slore." This is what I married into.

Royalist she is not. (She also seems like the type to leave 3% of her estate to her children and leave the rest to a dog.)
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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