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  #761  
Old 03-08-2014, 09:26 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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It's troubling that radio contact was lost. I'm hoping to hear of a relatively safe crash landing in the water, which would mean a lot of survivors could be floating in the water awaiting rescue. I admit that's the best case scenario though.

Thanks for your "anniversary" report. It's amazing how much things can improve in a year. Best wishes for even better times in the future.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #762  
Old 03-08-2014, 10:19 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
It's troubling that radio contact was lost. I'm hoping to hear of a relatively safe crash landing in the water, which would mean a lot of survivors could be floating in the water awaiting rescue. I admit that's the best case scenario though.

Thanks for your "anniversary" report. It's amazing how much things can improve in a year. Best wishes for even better times in the future.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It is very troubling and very mysterious. I hope there was a safe crash landing somewhere. It seems as if the flight "disappeared" over water, and from what I remember, there is a lot of trade and traffic in that body of water. It just seems like if that is where they crashed, someone would have seen or heard something. I am hoping it did not blow to pieces upon impact, which is what some aviation experts briefly mentioned. Whatever happened must have blindsided the pilots and happened so fast that they could not send out an emergency alert before it happened. They were cruising at a rather high altitude and going close to 500 knots, so by all means, things seemed to be going fine. I think the most eerie thing is those who were supposed to be on that flight but missed it for some reason or another.

It is heartbreaking, and there is nothing worse than seeing the pain written all over the faces of their families. I had to turn off the news. It was making tears well up. I hope there are survivors, though.
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  #763  
Old 03-08-2014, 11:23 PM
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We can only hope.
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  #764  
Old 03-11-2014, 06:00 PM
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Such a mystery!
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  #765  
Old 03-11-2014, 07:03 PM
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I heard they found oil slicks in the ocean consistent with jet fuel. I hope that doesn't mean what it sounds like, but it's a bad sign.
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  #766  
Old 03-13-2014, 12:37 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Not much going on in my world. My oldest is out of school until Monday. She only had school two days this week. I took some PTO and spent the entire day with her. We had a really nice day.

We are going camping this weekend. Our youngest daughter's school is hosting their annual family camp weekend. I am not one with nature, so I am not looking forward to any of it. The things we do for family.

I had therapy yesterday. My therapist has taken a keen interest in how I did things. For example, she asked me who would have gotten my children if something had happened to us. She was surprised to find out their other "parent" was not the one. She is of the belief that my subconscious behaviour always contradicted what I said. Tis true. She was in that role, but I did not include her on the list of labour support. She met my daughter after all of the grandparents, siblings, etc. With my son, she had no access because he was in NICU. I did not allow her to have access, but I had the option.

It has been interesting deconstructing my relationship with Si. It has been very telling, and it shows just how I really felt about her. I stopped loving her a long time ago. I knew I was no longer in love with her during my first pregnancy. There is no denying that. I no longer desired her sexually either. I lost all interest in her. My therapist seems to believe that was my way of reacting negatively to the changes she pushed in my direction. I agree. I finally said what I have been holding back: I hated being her primary and having her as my co-primary. My task? Identifying why I hated both. She also wants to discuss how I feel about poly and why. She has heard some of my recent thoughts, and they have been rather...unique. I call them flaws and realisations. I do still feel selfish. She calls it cynicism and thinks I have been left with a bitter after taste. I am not sure what dissecting my thoughts will do, but if it helps her sleep at night. *shrug* I guess the ultimate goal would be forgiving myself and accepting that I could have done things differently, but I had no control of how others conducted themselves. Oh and maybe owning my feelings and thoughts. Some part of me still feels the need to hold back my real thoughts and feelings on my ex. I admit them in short spurts, but I still feel compelled to sugar coat reality. Why? I have no need to protect someone I do not give a fuck about. I have not forgiven myself after a year. Forgiving myself will not magically unlock my disinterest and send me back on the path I walked down until March 2013. I am a work in progress and figuring things out.
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Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our (3.5) children.
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  #767  
Old 03-13-2014, 09:55 PM
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As I see it, poly will be a hot subject to touch because it led to a scary moment that almost cost you your marriage. I also speculate that the blocks against analyzing the ex too closely will persist because you'd have to be aware that whatever the ex did for so long (so many years), she must have had some kind of tacit go-ahead (from both Matt and you? I can't say) to do them.

But I don't see these things as crucial or urgent. The past is receding into the past, and you have plenty in the present to work on. I guess I recommend small amounts of thoughts on your therapist's assignments, but not to the point where you're trying to force out the answers or dig deeper with dynamite. Let the questions be in the stew to just simmer is what I say.

Of course, I am not the professional in this area.
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  #768  
Old 03-13-2014, 11:40 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I just wanted to say that I think it's excellent that you are still working on self-improvement.
The rest is all technical shit (in my opinion). We all have lots of technical shit. But I think the point is that we continue to aim to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. Too often, people stop trying to do that-especially when a relationship ends. ALmost like it's easier to simply blame the other person and forget that we are all failures at different places and times and can always improve.

I think it's great you are still working on yourself regardless of the ramifications regarding Si.
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  #769  
Old 03-15-2014, 11:26 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Hoyam's thread made me start thinking about a week ago. Matt never asked me to choose. Matt tolerated poly but really hated it. He dealt with it as long as he could, but when he decided enough was enough, he left. He did not threaten divorce. He told me what he could not and would not be part of: a mono/poly marriage. Sometimes you get tired of being hurt and realise you deserve more. All within the realm of logical and reasonable. In our case fixing behaviours was not sufficient enough. He hired attorneys and removed the choice from my hands. He was urged to think of our children. I was pissed and let people with moronic beliefs make me think HE was in the wrong for being fed up. How bloody daft! Our then four year old and nine month old children were not enough to keep him from walking away. He wanted a divorce and was willing to fight me for custody. The odds were stacked against me for several reasons. The likelihood of me only having visitation during holidays and term breaks was what I was facing. Did that reality humble me? Absolutely.

I have seen some of these custody cases have questionable outcomes like siblings being split up or the father getting the daughter and granting the mother visitation on the father's whim when 99% of the time, he blocks her from accessing the child. My favourite was the father who only wanted one out of two of his biological children. He refused to acknowledge his second child, never bothers to contact him, and stays away. The little boy blames his mum and lashes out in volatile ways. The truth is his his sperm donor only wanted his sister and will never be bothered with him unless it is to piss the mum off. In other countries, custody may be granted to the mum without question, but there was no set precedent for that. It was unpredictable and too big of a risk.

I did not corner Matt after marriage and force him to open. Fools argued that he signed up for this. No one signs up for the things he went through. I am no longer oblivious to how he could have been unhappy. would be miserable with what he was faced with. I have empathy and understanding of something other than myself.

Often you do not realise what you are doing or have done until someone else breaks it down. The following sums it up nicely:

Quote:
Her relationship's demands kept growing, and she felt like she had to keep up with them. We all know when you have kids, say bye to the sex life, sleep, hanging with mates, and anything you did before them for awhile. What did that leave me with? The minimum. A wife in name only, being neglected, and seeing her on some days for as little as 10 minutes.

All the while, she was maintaining weekly date nights, an overnight, and spending half of Sunday with her. She was seeing her no less than 5/7 days. Some weeks it was 7 for 7.

We didn't have a two-person marriage. Snowflake was the third party in our marriage. There was no balance or fairness. Equality? Nah. None of that. She was so secure in the fact that we were married, that she let the marriage shoot to hell to maintain the relationship.
After reading this, it easy to see how his tolerance left the building. I was a nightmare and selfish. At what point should you tell someone enough is enough without being told to remove yourself because you are the one who wants things to return to the way they used to be? Matt really tried for years, but I am almost certain that resentment and hatred outweighed any love he had for me. What if he had asked me to return to the way our lives were pre-Si or even before 2008? I know the answer, and it further proves why I am better suited for how I am living now.

Poly is still a sore spot for him. His body language speaks volumes when it is brought up. I am not sure he will ever be completely comfortable discussing it. He has already let me know that under no circumstances will he ever be okay with being part of a poly marriage. From his POV, being a single father would be better than being part of a mono/poly marriage again. It is a hard limit and zero sum. He kept apologising when he told me that he loved me, but he could not do that again for any amount of love. He is still hurting, and I can see it. Our therapist knows not to bring it up unless she wants him to shut down. I respect him a great deal for being honest. It is often too easy to get pissed at the person who does not cooperate or issues something like an undesirable choice. He has boundaries, and I will never find fault in that. I am not mad at him either.

I doubt I will ever have a second relationship again. I have not fallen in love in 13 years, and I have never actively searched for love. I have only been intimate with one man and never been attracted to another one. I have not been remotely interested in a woman in years. I am not keen on new people. I have no idea what/who I am attracted to. Attraction is never immediate for me. It is secondary. Even without the healing marriage, pending adoption, and newfound joy, dating would not be on the table or even in my view. I have never had any interest, though. I suppose I am weird like that.

These days I really do not have anyone to talk about poly with. My in-laws act like it never happened. My family just does not speak of it. Any pictures with my ex have been altered or removed. My mum has never said it, but secretly I think she is happy I am "normal." Matt is uncomfortable with discussing it on anything more than a surface basis. He draws the line at anything involving my best friend. He is okay with knowing that she is in love with me. Most of my friends never understood it. My best friend is about the only one, and she is dealing with her own difficult situation. Oh and I cannot reveal my past to anyone at home. As far as they know, we are a mono couple with children who relocated from London last year. I have often said being closeted would be easier than being out. Outside of that, his job is certainly not accommodating for such. They have their employees sign morals clauses, and it was clear from that day forward that being open and out was no longer possible. This is why I blog on here. No one in my new life knows about the past one.

I refuse to label myself as monogamous. Our marriage is monogamous, but that describes the state of it. That is a loaded term. I much prefer monoamorous and monosexual.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend. Camping has not been awful. My children are loving it, and it has been nice meeting the other parents at the school. We went hiking this afternoon. Matt challenged me not to complain or use any beauty products. He is really trying to break my spoiled nature. I am glad we took time out to do this. The fresh air has helped me think. We just might do this again.
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  #770  
Old 03-15-2014, 02:26 PM
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LOL, I just can't imagine you camping, Ry.

Tell me you are not sleeping on the ground in a sleeping bag in a tent, next to your squirmy 1 yr old. You rented a 40 foot Winnebago, didn't you? You and Matt have the bedroom at one end and Nanny is with the kids at the other end?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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