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  #751  
Old 02-27-2014, 04:46 PM
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I was horrible about not eating because I was too busy. If I was working on something with a deadline or constantly in motion, eating never crossed my mind. I have alleviated that for the most part because I will take a 15 minute break to eat something now.

92? Oh goodness! MrS was concerned about your health and overall well being. Two thumbs up for him. Some women cannot even get their spouse to notice a new hairstyle or outfit.

Before I went to my GP, DH had to insert sarcasm. He was like, "Someone is trying to find a new reason to shop and spend our money on clothing that will still have tags three years from now." He was concerned and did not want me to slip into old habits. We talked about it last weekend, and he wants me to be healthy. I knew I was too small when my skinny jeans were too loose. I may feel fine, but as I know from the past, everything has a starting point. It is better to get a handle on it now than wait until it becomes a serious issue.

My trainer used to tell me that people were paying for what I had naturally. I have hips and a bum for days. I always wished I had smaller hips, but I realised my efforts were futile. I focused on toning, and my legs are my favourite part of my body. I know many women who have undergone Brazilian Bum Lifts or other cosmetic procedures. I am all for doing what makes one happy, but I do not want a cosmetically enhanced body! I did contemplate a breast reduction, though.

JaneQ, you are not a failure as a woman. I have read your blog in great detail, and failure is definitely not a word I would associate with you. I love how the love you have for Dude and MrS shines through. I cannot wait to read more about Lotus and the blossoming dynamic there. There is a lot of stock put into getting pregnant, and it is unnecessary. I am sorry about your struggles. I wish I had some words of wisdom or comfort. Never say never. I have encountered some of the most complex cases with circumstances and odds stacked against them, but it still happened. I always believe in getting second, third, fourth, and fifth opinions from specialists and experts. If a woman who has undergone a partial hysterectomy can still conceive, I am a believer in keeping hope alive and letting go of the predisposed outcome.
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  #752  
Old 03-04-2014, 09:50 AM
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Not much going on my world. We are entering month three of the adoption. We were forewarned that the assessment phase takes place over the course of four months. The average interview has been 2-2.5 hours. They have been rather invasive. Interview content has included but has not been limited to: our family's feelings and opinions regarding the adoption, our own feelings, the feelings of our child, the lifelong impacts of adoption, childhood experiences, our marriage, relationships with family members, styles of parenting, and so on.

Admittedly, I have been reticent to talk about my former polyamorist tendencies. I know full disclosure and transparency are the best, but considering my history with it and knowing that it is not widely embraced, it could derail the adoption. Can you imagine how it would look to the panel if I had to go into further detail about how my ex treated my children after our break-up? The child we are trying to adopt has known abandonment and trust issues. Imagine if she had been around when my ex shut my children out and admitted to never loving them. They would probably see it like the influx or potential influx of partners would hurt her more than they would help her. Thus, causing a massive regression in her therapy. Truthfully, in the eyes of the government, a single person or a gay/lesbian couple would be seen as better adoptive or foster parents than a person in or with a history of polyamorous relationships. We have been honest with them about being in marital counselling for the past year. We did not tell our social worker what the catalyst was. She has spoken with our therapist, though. All of this will be included in the report that will be given to the committee. They have to power to approve us or not. We have to be present, and this panel of people has the right to ask for further clarification on anything within the report.

This adoption is already a special case because generally speaking adoption of children over nine in this state is damn near close to never. They prefer permanent care, which is less official than adoption. I thank God every single day that we have made it this far. Against all the odds and the uncertainty of going against set precedents, we are making it happen.

I am just not sure I am willing to risk it. I think it is way too big of a gamble, and I would hate to lose her behind my past. I do not want to lie or be deceptive either. I am playing with a child's life. I do not know what to do. I know that I have no interest in actively practising again, but would that be heard or believed above all of the negatives of the past year? For example, this time last year, we were days away from separation. Six days from this date, DH left with the intent of divorcing me. Surely, that will raise red flags and a request for further details. We have another round of assessments coming this month, so I need to decide now. The report will be completed in April/May, and we will meet with the AAC on a set date.

Are transparency and full disclosure the best in this situation? Naturally, there is a flip side of omitting pertinent information. I am sure our social worker and this panel will not take too kindly to being lied to. I have to get ready for dinner with DH. I hope everyone is doing well. xo
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  #753  
Old 03-04-2014, 07:57 PM
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Hmmm, that's a tough one, not sure what to advise. Perhaps you could get by with it as long as you don't outright lie -- just refrain from giving poly info unless you're specifically asked? Not that it's not possible they'll be pissed about having been "lied to by omission" either though.

It would help if we knew how thorough the authorities are going to be and if the report becomes mostly a formality once it's been written. I guess my best guess would be, don't be intentionally evasive, but don't feel obligated to add info you weren't directly asked for either. I am not a professional though, so don't take too much stock in my counsel.

I just wish you the best and hope the adoption goes through.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

By the way, I'm guessing AAC = Australian Adoption Council or something to that effect, yes?
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  #754  
Old 03-04-2014, 09:24 PM
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As always, thank you, Kevin.

AAC - Adoption Applications Committee.

I have not been made aware of what our references and family members have said. I will not know officially until we are given the chance to review the home study report. My fear is that they might have said something or will say something to contradict whatever we state. The thing that made me start wondering was talking to our youngest daughter. She mentioned in passing that she did not bring up my ex when she talked to "the nice lady." Can the same be said for our references, though? My brother-in-law comes to mind. The man has no filter. I can just hear him saying things like, "Bro's wife had a girlfriend. The people my niece and nephew have been around may not have been the most savoury. They were in one of those freaky marriages." He is known for putting his foot in his mouth.

It was part of our relationship from the first few months of us dating, so it is a huge chunk of time that will need to be accounted for when the in-depth discussions about our marriage officially begin. I would hate to omit anything and have it come back and bite me. This report is like a life story on each of us. From birth until present. Considering how thorough these home studies have been, I see why so many people do not survive past the initial enquiry. I understand why. They want to make sure that a placed child will not be worse off than they were before. I do know that this report will be studied and reviewed in great detail by every member of this panel, and ten times to one, they will ask for further clarification on anything of their choosing. They will have copies before the formal meeting, so they will have plenty of time to compile questions. Daunting prospect, for sure.

The situations I get myself in.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 03-04-2014 at 09:28 PM.
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  #755  
Old 03-04-2014, 09:37 PM
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Will Matt be able to vouch for you, in that he can testify you are now 100% committed to the marriage? Can your daughters testify on your behalf, stating that you've been a good mother to them?

I admit it sounds a little like damage control ahead of time might be needed, unless you want to contact your brother-in-law and ask him what he said.

I would hope they'd still let you adopt. I'll bet the girl you're adopting wants you to. Otherwise, won't she just go back to some kind of institution or something?

Maybe if they are thorough enough they will see how much better things are now. I hope so.
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Old 03-04-2014, 10:33 PM
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Quote:
Will Matt be able to vouch for you, in that he can testify you are now 100% committed to the marriage? Can your daughters testify on your behalf, stating that you've been a good mother to them?
It would need to be someone who is unattached to the outcome. Someone who has nothing to gain personally. Our therapist or her/our family therapist are examples of that. The family therapist will be brought in because our daughter has been a patient of his since she went into foster care. Our therapist may not be much help, as she would not be able to disclose very much. General information.

Our girls would be ideal. The social worker has talked to both of them in and out of our presence. If I know my five year old, and I do, she probably gave her an earful.

Quote:
I admit it sounds a little like damage control ahead of time might be needed, unless you want to contact your brother-in-law and ask him what he said.
I know my BIL, so yes, damage control as a back-up plan is a must. I will be putting in a call to him later on today. He knows how important this is to Matt and our family. He may not have been my biggest fan last year, but I do know he is capable of seeing the bigger picture. Let's hope this is one of those times.

Quote:
I would hope they'd still let you adopt. I'll bet the girl you're adopting wants you to. Otherwise, won't she just go back to some kind of institution or something?
I hope so. Being accepted as a foster carer was a challenge without the admission of poly. This process is much more detailed, prolonged, and in-depth.

Yes, she would go back to bouncing between foster homes or stuck in a group home until she ages out at 18 or shortly thereafter. Our family therapist said she speaks highly of us in her private sessions. The social worker said the same thing. She feels like she belongs and is a valued member of our family. I think we are all surprised by how quickly she has adjusted. Her therapist said that our approach must be working because he sees a difference in her.

She has told the social worker that her home is with us, and this is where she wants to stay. Stability has done wonders for her. At her age, she is of the age where her opinion and wants will be taken into account. I would hope that they would see that uprooting her again would cause more harm than help.

Quote:
Maybe if they are thorough enough they will see how much better things are now. I hope so.
I hope they see that, too.
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  #757  
Old 03-05-2014, 12:47 AM
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Fingers crossed for you. Keep us posted.
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  #758  
Old 03-07-2014, 10:39 PM
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Default Part 2: 9:15 AM -- Too early to pop the cork on champers?

It has been a full year since the hell from last year. The argument between my ex and Matt transpired on 7 March. I wanted to do a check-in.

My Ex

Is there anything left to salvage? Doubtful. I am only sorry that she felt like she had to hatch a multiple year plan to destroy my marriage and family. I will never understand what I did to deserve that. I welcomed her with arms wide open, went to hell and back, fought tooth and nail, and at times put her before my own children and marriage in some very fucked up sense of loyalty. Yet, she felt the need to hurt me in the most unimaginable way. I have no respect for her, and I no longer recognise who she is.

I have days where I feel like I wasted 12 years of my life on someone incredibly ungrateful, selfish, and narcissistic. I have tried to forgive her, but it is not in my heart. I have not shed a single tear for her. In a way, I am relieved that my relationship with her ended. All that has made me wonder is, what was I holding on to? I wish her well, but not even in an alternate universe would a healthy friendship or PiPD--polite in passing dynamic--be desired. It is a sad way to close the novel, but what can I say or do?

My Career

I was a workaholic. I worked my arse off because I was determined to the best version of myself. I want to be one of those people who can retire at 40, if I so choose. It was nothing for me to work 12s, 16s, or stay on the premises for 24-hours. Did I need the money? No. I wanted to make a name for myself outside of my daddy's money. I come from a society where you go to uni, graduate with an art degree, and become a VP at daddy's company. I chose the path of independence. If Matt were to leave, I could still hold my own. Independence is sexy. One of the things that attracted him was the fact that I was and still am a go-getter. "No" is not an option. Beyonce said it best, "Boy you know love it how we smart enough to make these millions, strong enough to bear the children, and then, get back to business."

Right now, I work Monday-Thursday. 8:30/9-3:00. I have no problem turning down a case. I prefer a lighter workload. To achieve that, it required me to abandon half of what I was doing in London. I am in more of a consulting position. I happily gave up the inconsistency that came with that territory. As a result, I am am able to be more present for my children and husband. Money cannot keep you warm, make you laugh, or keep you happy. Some of the wealthiest individuals are the most miserable. Look at those in Hollywood.

My Family and In-Laws

I was not as close to my family as I should have been. With all that was on my plate, it is a miracle that they ever saw me. I talk to my parents and younger siblings every day. I talk to my older siblings a few times a week. we met up with my brother and his wife in Bangkok, and I had the time of my life for those few days.

I am making family a priority. I lost three relatives last year, and when my aunt needed me, I made sure I was there for her. Before, I would have attended the funeral and been back at work the same day. I knew I needed to grieve and give myself time. Life is too short to work yourself into an early grave. It is seriously not worth it.

The relationships with my in-laws were icy. They are a wild bunch. I have enjoyed building relationships with them. I am loving being close to my nieces and nephews. All in all, they are wonderful people.

I chronicled the issues with my MIL. I swear she hated the air I breathed. I am happy to report that I have forgiven my MIL. We talk at least once or twice every day. She usually calls in the morning when I am making school runs and on the way to work. She video chats with my children every night, and we try to talk every night. It is not uncommon for her to text during the day and ask how I am doing. She extends invites all the time. She apologised for everything she ever said to me. Once I talked to her, I realised that if I was in her position, I would have done the same. She was watching me hurt Matt, and she knew he was hurting. He pretended to be okay but a mother knows. Yet, there was nothing she could do. That would bother any mother. It hurts me when my baby has a scratch on her finger. Imagine if I had to watch any of my children suffering in silence and pretending to be happy, so I would not worry. Now that I have gotten to know her, I realise that she is a really sweet woman. I admire and respect her a great deal. She is funny, warm, and charismatic. She has a really big heart, and it was eclipsed by her dislike of how I was treating Matt. I have enjoyed getting to know her, and it has helped having a mother figure an hour away by flight. She is not a bad person. I was truly stunned by what she told the social worker about me and my mothering skills. I love that we have a beautiful friendship and mutual respect. I am sad that it took all of this to happen. I have been married in since 2002, so I have missed a hell of a lot.

My Children

I was not as hands on and as available as I should have been. My children deserved more than what I was giving them. I overstretched myself, and they were casualties. It should never have been okay for me to even consider putting someone before them. They deserved more than that.

I struggled with building a relationship with my daughter when we first moved here. My therapist advised me to take time off and get to know my children because those little mini humans were strangers to me. After a series of hits, misses, and epic fails, we found common ground. I really did have to get to know her inside and out. I had to talk to her, learn about her likes/dislikes, and even participate in some of her hobbies. I had to remember that she is a child, so I had to adapt. I remember last year, I was envious of the bond Matt had with her. He could get into the imaginary play, host tea parties, and even play with Barbies. I struggled to connect with her ideas of fun. Over time I realised that she requires very little. She is happy if I take 30 minutes out of my Saturday morning and watch, "Sofia the First," with her. She is happy if we eat cupcakes or get ice cream after school every day. She is happy if I braid her hair, read her a bedtime story, or let her give me a makeover. I have found out that she loves classical music and tea, so we have afternoon tea every Sunday. She loves baking with me. I love talking to her. Her personality is so unique. She has a great sense of humour, and she is sarcastic just like me. She has my facial expressions mastered. I get a kick out of her when she is so serious. She will walk up to me and say, "Mummy, we need to talk." She means business, and it tickles me pink. I love that girl with every beat of my heart. She is my pride and joy.

My son is my ray of sunshine. He is Matt's twin. He is a sweetheart. I sought help because I wanted to nurse him, and I am so happy that I did. There was no shame in having PND--even if it was a touch. I let my pride get in the way and ultimately cause delayed bonding. Nursing was a struggle, but when it happened last year, it felt like a major accomplishment. I would just stare at him in amazement like, "This little guy came from me." I was hosting an event recently, and we were rehearsing. He came running on the stage with his arms open, and he yelled, "Mummy!" My heart melted on the spot. When he sees me at his nursery in the afternoon, he lights up. Every night, we give him a bath. I nurse him while Matt reads him a story, and we tuck him in. I get in bed with him and stay until he falls asleep. He is the kind of child who will pick a flower and bring it to you with the biggest smile ever. It takes very little to make him happy. He loves Disney, Jr., so we watch whatever he wants every Friday morning. Matt made us breakfast in bed yesterday, while he handled the school runs. As silly as it may be, I enjoy watching the interactive shows with him. I love when he recognises numbers and colours. (Guess that tuition is being put to good use.) I cannot imagine my life without him.

Our oldest and newest member of the family has humbled me. I knew there was something special about her from the first time we met her. Several months later, we are adopting her. She has this wisdom and grace about herself that I love. I enjoy our conversations because she has such a sunny disposition and positive outlook on life. Our relationship is blooming. I love that she already feels comfortable confiding in me and calling me mum. The first few times I asked her to say it again because it was unexpected. I told her to call me what she felt comfortable calling me, and that is what she chose. It was a pivotal moment. She has a personality that draws you immediately. There is a certain rawness and realness about her that warrants respect in the highest degree. I am enamored by her, and as much "work" as this may be, I have no regrets. As time goes on, I am sure I will have plenty to say about her. We are still in the getting-to-know you phase, but I have learned enough to know that I love her like I gave birth to her. I did not need an adoption order to confirm that.

I am proud to say that I am actively involved in my children's lives. I make the morning school runs every day, and I pick them up every day. On Monday's/Friday's, I stay at the studio while my youngest daughter practises. I am on the parent council at both of my daughter's schools. They meet fortnightly, but both councils have their hands in a bit of everything. Their teachers e-mail me, and they know who I am. I am happy that Matt and I are not just names and phone numbers on a piece of paper. It was important to be an active participant in their educations.

To be continued...
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  #759  
Old 03-08-2014, 12:05 AM
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Default Part 2: 10:45 AM -- Too early to pop the cork on champers?

Our Marriage


We have had some highs, lows, ups, and downs. We have had some days where we were not on speaking terms. We have had some days where divorce seemed more like the solution rather than suggestion. We even underwent a multiple continent separation that started on Mothering Day 2013. We have had days that started and ended with tears. We have had days where sleeping in the same room was too painful to bear. We have had days where we were both all cried out. We have had days where looking at each other was impossible. We have had days where even our once strong friendship seemed like a distant stranger. Through all the tears, two therapists, parenting, pending adoption, long-term renovation, family deaths, career changes, acclimating to new a new country, moving from the UK to Australia, all the emotional turmoil, loss of trust, a renewed prenup with an infidelity-like clause, arguments with my ex, revelations of my best friend being in love with, disagreements over my spending habits, and everything else...we made it to the other side. That wore me out like toe-curling, back scratching, hair pulling, pillow biting sex. Hello.

Let me just say...I go hard for my man. I love Matt with everything in me. No one can hold a candle to him. That man put up with 13 years of my crap and 5 years of being disrespected, ignored, and displaced. Yet, he still loves me, believes in me, and thought it was better to stick with me than leave me. I have nothing but respect for Matt. It took a lot of strength and courage to stand up to me, call me out on my bullshit, and let it be known that what happened in the past was not going to happen again. This was the Matt I fell in love with.

Therapy was a pain my behind. It was hard to listen to everything he was saying and realising, "Holy shit. I am accountable for about 98% of this." It was hard listening to him refer to me as a part-time wife (and mother). It was hard listening to him telling me that he felt like my secondary and my bitch at times. It was hard watching him cry and admitting that he contemplated divorce many times between 2008-2013. It was hard listening to him tell me that if he had known it was going to be like it was, he would never have gotten tangled up with me. It was hard when we were battling over child custody and realising that he was going to do whatever it took to make sure our children were not around my ex on his watch. It was hard knowing that he did not trust me and had lost respect for me. He no longer believed I was trustworthy because I apparently lacked the ability to remember that those two children were created were "more important than some pussy." His words. Therapy has been eye opening, and I still have to remember not to be too hard on myself. I do still feel guilty because I created this my want/choice. Hell, being with Si was not even a need. Shame on me, but I cannot undo the past.

Our communication is the best it has been since 2008. You know, back when we actually had a marriage, talked, and remembered that at the end of the day, we wanted this to stand the test of time. We actually talk to each other. We do not conduct our marriage like we are in the boardroom of a Fortune 500 company and trying to take down the competitive conglomerates. Who knew that giving our marriage a little tenderness, time, and attention would create what it is now? Every morning, 5-6:30 is ours. No talking about our children, work, etc. No technology. Just the two of us. That little 1.5 hours sets the tone for the whole day. We have lunch dates almost every day. On Friday's, we try to have breakfast dates, too. I send sweet little messages throughout the day. "Thinking of you." "Missing you." All that cutesy, sugary confectionery. When we talk face to face, I give him the respect he deserves. That means no laptop, iPad, mobile, or any distractions. I am engaged in the conversations, and I am able to ask questions about what was just said. Most importantly, I just listen and respond accordingly. I was awful at listening or too damn busy to hear him. I like that he is views, opinions, and thoughts of his own. It makes our conversations all the more interesting. After our children are in bed, we spend that time together. Gelato, a movie/telly show, and cuddling are some of the things we do. it is just time for us to connect after busy days and being apart. That was sorely lacking before. 15 minutes/day is not enough time to have a healthy marriage. We actually do not argue. We just talk and put our heads together. Then again, we never did argue until a certain point when shit started railing against his wishes. Respect is paramount.

My fear of intimacy is gone. I love it now. Before, I would shy away from it. I had it in my brain to keep everyone at a distance, and it prevented me from opening up completely. It had to be frustrating for him to never fully be "in." All of my walls have come down, and I love how close we are. It is refreshing to be able to show emotions in front of him, too. I was holding back emotionally. Crying does not make me weak. It just means I am human and capable of feeling something.

Our sex life is off the charts. I hate to say this, but it became much more frequent after my relationship with my ex transitioned to non-sexual. He was completely turned off by me being with her and coming home to him. He always said he never wanted the residual something or the other. That is how I discovered that threesomes turn me off. Ugh. Never again. He was holding back all those years. He has me gone in the brain. I want and usually have him every day. Sometimes twice a day. Breakfast is not the meal of champions. Sex is.

I am finally comfortable with my sexuality and owning it. I had body issues. I bitched about my C-section scar and how things looked after my babies. I found fault in everything and hated being naked in front of Matt. At times I would not let him touch me or undress me, so there was room for improvement in the bedroom. I still have days where I hate being naked, but they are rare. Therapy has helped. I take part in a pole dancing class on Tuesday nights. I enjoy stripping and dancing for him. I needed to learn how to embrace my body and be confident and sexy in my skin. What better way than barely there outfits, high heels, and doing something that my husband would love? My new found body confidence is reflecting in how I have been acting in and out of the bedroom. Whatever shyness and body issues were present have been eradicated. This has been a positive thing, and it has helped our marriage. It goes hand it hand with my fear of intimacy and being vulnerable.

Much like with our children, I had spent so much time away from Matt that I had to get to know him again. I had to learn about his interests and hobbies that kept him busy while I was with my ex. I had to learn about the man he has become. When I met Matt, he was in his late 20s, he is now 40. Obviously, he changed and matured over time. I just was not present and missed out. In all seriousness, Matt is a cool dude. He is very sarcastic, and he always gives his opinion--even if it is not needed. I cannot stay mad at him. He flashes that smile with those dimples, and I am done. I am glad that we have learned how to relax and stop taking everything so seriously. We are silly and playful when it is appropriate. We like each other, and as we were rebuilding our marriage, we were strengthening what brought us together in the first place: friendship. I am finding that our friendship and partnership makes parenting and even our marriage much more efficient. Matt is easy to work with. He just likes being heard, included, and given the chance to speak his peace. Other than that, he just goes with it.

I am proud of how far we have come, and I hope our marriage continues to strengthen from this point on. There was a lot of damage and a ton of healing mutually and individually that needed to be done. We are not done, yet. We are a work in progress. We are both in therapy, and it has helped us. I feel like I am a great wife now. I will flip my hair to that. He was always an amazing husband. I cannot name a single fault. I have proven that I am here if he needs me and if he does not. He sees that I care about his thoughts and feelings. He knows that I am available and willing to be there for him, when he lets me. He no longer shuts me out and keeps me on ice while his feelings stew internally. If he has an issue, he comes to me almost immediately and we discuss it. I love what our marriage has become. I believe in us. I never want our marriage to revert back to what it was.

This time last year, he was a distant stranger, and I wanted him to make his way back to me some kind of way. We had no idea of the path or how to get from point A to point B, but here we are. I think I can pop the champers now. It IS after 11 now.
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  #760  
Old 03-08-2014, 06:46 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 912
Unhappy

Non-poly related.

I woke up with the hopes of there being updates about MH370 but no such luck. Sunday is off to a sad start. I cannot imagine how those families feel. The fear of uncertainty is making it that much worse. I am trying not to think the worst, but a flight carrying 239 people would not just disappear. At this point, it has been close to or more than 24 hours. If there was a crash, I hope there are survivors at the very least. I dislike all of the conflicting reports. Somewhere in the back of some minds, they are thinking, "That could have been my flight." I hope it all turns out okay. Miracles do happen, and all it takes is faith the size of a mustard seed, right?
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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