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  #741  
Old 02-21-2014, 03:07 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Thank you, Mags.

It was not anyone here, but there were people around me/us who implied that he was the only reason I decided to forgo multiple relationships. Pfft. Matt knows he cannot control me, and he is not crazy enough to try. I dislike the notion because it implies that I have no brain or thoughts of my own. I am not a Stepford wife.

I played my part, too. Shit happens. You live and you learn. I have owned up to all of my mistakes and improved. Communication was not up to par. Then again, it was hard to talk when we were not together very often. Truthfully, I was not close to anyone. Every relationship in my life suffered. I cannot change the past, though.

I understand needs changing, but do not pull me down in the process. I made it clear from day one that I would never be able to provide that. Marrying Matt--with the understanding that I do not believe in divorce--and ultimately expanding our family should have been further confirmation that I was never going to commit to monogamy with her. I disapprove of what she did after she realised that was what she wanted. Plain and simple, I could not love her or be what she needed. She always had the option to let me go and go seek that. I now acknowledge that my witt's end was originally in early 2008, and I should have let her go instead of forcing what did not come naturally. It was clear from the beginning that our dynamic was never going to be a primary one, and when it did happen, it was because my hand was forced. Fierce loyalty and avoiding doing the hard thing proved to damn near be the death of my marriage and prolonged the inevitable end with her. Had I followed my first mind six years ago, some of the issues we faced would not have transpired. I take responsibility because I knew it was going against what I wanted, but I trudged through and dragged my loved ones along for what would ultimately be a painful ride. Lesson learned.

I have never really had low self-esteem. I have had spells where I controlled my weight. I am happy at 58 kgs, but it is too low for my height. Even when everything around me was spiraling downward at an accelerated rate, that was the one thing I could control. After my first child was born, I lost all of the weight and then some in under 90 days. I am at odds with my GP over the weight I lost a few months back. He feels like I need to gain at least 7 kgs to fall in a healthy weight range. When we start TTC, I will consider gaining a few kgs.

I made changes for the better, and I will never apologise for that. Privately, I was struggling and dying inside. I was bloody miserable. I was turning into that parent that I never wanted to be. I grew up with plenty of people who had parents who were never around due to working or travelling 24/7. Those were the ones who ran to their nannies on Christmas morning. If I had kept things structured the way they were, my children would likely feel no closeness to me. I enjoy being a visible presence in their lives. If anything were to change with my career now in a negative way, I would be more than okay with being a SAHM to our youngest. Before, not a chance in hell.

I just know that now is absolutely not the time. My youngest is 1 1/2, and he obviously still needs me. The next child is 5, and she needs less of me than him. Nonetheless, she still needs me and has certain expectations. Our oldest is 14, and due to her upbringing and difficult circumstances, she needs me in different ways. She has known abandonment issues, and I would be daft to lessen the amount of time and attention I give to her. I know that I am not done having children, but that is on the backburner. We want at least one or two more, so there really will be no time for another relationship. Before that happens, I will make changes and cut back where I can. Hands on parenting suits me.

When we are older and childfree, I am sure there will be a noticeable difference. Priorities and available time would be completely different. I have no doubt that it works better for people who have grown children or have opted to remain childfree. They do not have the same responsibilities as someone who is an active and hands on parent. As you stated, that is years down the line. We will cross that bridge when or if we get to it.
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  #742  
Old 02-22-2014, 02:28 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Oh, so you were anorexic. And still struggle with this eating disorder according to your doctor.

As a lactation specialist, I have worked with mothers who can't or won't breastfeed, but prefer to express their milk. Sometimes they have a history of sexual abuse.

With your past history of keeping people at arm's length, I suspect this is a choice you made, fearing intimacy. I do not judge that! We all have our reasons, plus English culture rather encourages distance and hiding feelings.

But you have done a ton of personal psychological work. Perhaps you will feel more open to a subsequent child and actually breastfeed?
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  #743  
Old 02-26-2014, 03:54 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I used to have days where I would skip most or all meals. The peak was definitely in my upper secondary years. I remember when I was 17, I would buy lunch at school and almost immediately trash it. I was scary skinny. I had a wake up call that made me realise that I needed to take better care of myself. It still took years for me to love the skin I was in, but I eventually reached that point. Matt knew about my love/hate relationship with food, and he played an integral role in helping me after we met. Even to this day, if we have not seen one another, he will call/text and ask if I have eaten anything. It was an uphill battle, and I still have days where I am uncomfortable being naked. Naturally, pregnancy changes the body, so that is where that discomfort started. I am my biggest critic, so while everyone else considers me fit, I used to see where I could improve. Perfection does not exist, and I am glad I learned that.

I am better now. I have a healthy body image. I love the skin I am in. I dropped more weight than I wanted. The weight that I lost was the last bit from my pregnancy. I decided to let it come off naturally. I lost those pesky 4 kgs and then some. I can admit that I am smaller than I need to be. I loved my post-pregnancy curves. I loved the softness of my body. I worked with my trainer on core training and toning for maintenance. I may be happy at this weight, but I do miss having some of my curves. My hips and bum are still here. After much consideration, I did schedule an appointment with a dietician, and I have a new personal trainer and nutritionist. Baby steps.

I definitely had a fear of intimacy, and I dreaded the idea of closeness. I used to keep everyone at a safe distance. Thus far, I have never been heartbroken, and it is wholly because of my decision to keep people at arm's length. The closest was last year when Matt left. I have never felt pain like that before. It was crippling and all consuming. There were days when I did not want to get out of bed. I kept a smile for the sake of my children. Privately, I cried until I had a headache and the tears dried up. I have never cried behind a man or woman before. I would never want to walk down that path again.

I was never diagnosed, but I do believe I suffered from Postnatal Depression. I did not bond with my son the way I did with my daughter. It was a difficult pregnancy, and I went through all the motions like a mum was supposed to. I never experienced that overwhelming sense of love. It came at a later date, but it was not there the first 6+ months of his life. The first few months of nursing lead to many tears on my end, which is how I ended up expressing milk and nursing on/off. I did not spend very much time with him. He was born in June, and I started travelling in January. Subconsciously, I thought he was better off with Matt than me. I was frustrated because I felt like I could not do anything right when it came to him. I did not open up about it until last year in therapy. I blamed myself for the difficult pregnancy, foetal surgery, and even him being born prematurely. I was ashamed to talk about it with anyone because I felt like a failure as a mum and a woman. I did not want to be treated like a delicate flower or a porcelain doll. I talked about it and sought help when the time was right, and I have made peace with that entire situation.

I have been able to successfully nurse him and bond properly. I am definitely open to it with subsequent children. With the help of a lactation consultant, he took to it, and I have thoroughly enjoyed nursing him. Right now, he nurses in the morning and at night before he goes to bed. I still express milk throughout the day because he drinks it with meals. I am keen on extended breastfeeding, and there are benefits for my son, so I am not in a rush to wean him.

Our therapist has done wonders for me and for our marriage. I actually feel like a human in touch with her emotions, a beaming, actively involved, proud mumma, and a much better wife than I was last year at this time.
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  #744  
Old 02-26-2014, 04:18 AM
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Sounds like things have improved in a number of areas. I'm glad to hear that.
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  #745  
Old 02-26-2014, 04:31 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Monday was Labour Day, so we were at our beach home with the in-laws. A summer barbecue, the beach, and family time? My idea of a great long weekend. I laid on the beach, listened to music, and caught up on some reading.

We really want to visit London, and we are trying to decide on the dates. Our girls' school breaks begin on 4 April and extend until the 22nd/23rd, so if we can spend seven days in GB, that would be ideal. I dread the long trip, but I really want to see my family. I miss living an hour away from my mum and daddy, but I love it here. If I had it to do all over again, I would.

I have been trying to help my best friend. I am not sure how much of a help I have been. Her girlfriend just got married, and it was not the marriage that caught her off-guard. She has her own husband. It was the girlfriend's sudden relocation that did it. Judging by what I have seen/heard, it was not an overnight decision. It seems to be a decision made by the girlfriend and her new wife. My best friend and her husband were only informed of all the changes on Monday. Relocating thousands of kilometres when you know you are in a triad outside of your new marriage and not discussing it with everyone was bound to cause issues. I am trying to be hopeful, but I am not sure their triad will survive. It sucks because there are children involved. I am not sure what it is about my best friend's metamour, but I get a cowgirl vibe from her. I hope I am wrong, and I hope they can find some way to make their new circumstances work in their favour. I am rooting for them.

Outside of my boring family jazz and the day to day, there is not too much happening on my end. Hope everyone is doing well. xo
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  #746  
Old 02-26-2014, 04:57 AM
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Wow -- tough situation for your best friend. LDR's are always difficult -- and then add the lack of communication. Yikes!
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  #747  
Old 02-26-2014, 05:43 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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FoL - I don't know that I have ever commented on your blog, so much of your experience is alien to me...but this

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I used to have days where I would skip most or all meals... I was scary skinny. I had a wake up call that made me realise that I needed to take better care of myself.... It still took years for me to love the skin I was in, but I eventually reached that point... I still have days where I am uncomfortable being naked.
This happened to me, I was scary skinny. For me it wasn't a matter of control it was being too busy/stressed to remember to eat...(at the time I couldn't eat when I was stressed, this changed in my 30s). At one point in college I was down to 92# and MrS told me that, if I dropped any further, he was going to drag me to Student Health and "make" them take notice. I quit a few of my (unnecessary) obligations and climbed back up to 3-figures.


Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I definitely had a fear of intimacy, and I dreaded the idea of closeness. I used to keep everyone at a safe distance. Thus far, I have never been heartbroken, and it is wholly because of my decision to keep people at arm's length...
I do this as well...and have no idea why - since I, too, have never been heartbroken!

(Won't comment on the rest - my responses are all tied up in my feeling of being a "failure as a woman" due to my inability to carry a viable pregnancy...and "no", I am not interested in adoption...))

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  #748  
Old 02-26-2014, 07:03 PM
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Lactation consultants ROCK! They are not used as much as they should be.
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  #749  
Old 02-27-2014, 02:53 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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It's a shame you suffer from body dysmorphia, eating disorders, and have self diagnosed as having had PPD, but went without treatment.

And yet, you're a doctor yourself, an OB GYN.

One more example of doctors and nurses taking better care of their patients than of themselves. I once dated a male nurse, who was diabetic, and yet ate the perfectly wrong diet for his condition. He also had psychological problems and was a hoarder. Yikes. My gf once had a female nurse metamour who is about 5'7" and over 300 lbs.

That said, so glad you're taking better care of yourself now! That is awesome. Especially important with being mom to 3 kids and wanting more. But perhaps you shouldn't rush into having more just yet! A one year old, a five year old, and an adolescent already depend on you, and you're still reeling from the breakup of a twelve year relationship, and rebuilding your other twelve year relationship.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #750  
Old 02-27-2014, 03:59 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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People who work in the health profession generally do not practise what they preach, and I am guilty of doing that.

I do believe I must have had an aversion to mental health professionals. I avoided them like the plague. I am the same one who knew how important marriage counselling was but took a break because I "burned out." The sad part is it was early on. I was not overly cooperative either. I know I was difficult and hard to work with. I know our first therapist wanted to shake me on more than one occasion. I can admit that I was a pain and quite terrible. When I stopped working against our current therapist, I noticed a change.

I have no doubt that I had PND. I thought about seeking help, but I could not swallow my pride. As often as it occurs, I was ashamed of it. I talked myself into believing that a formal diagnosis would be the inevitable proof that I was a failure as a mother. I knew that my odds increased drastically with a difficult pregnancy and a premature birth. It was a mild case, but there was a disconnect from my child.

The depression started during my second pregnancy. It started at the end of April. We had to make a decision regarding surgery, and I was not keen on either outcome or the subsequent aftermath. I became my own case study, and it was a nightmare. I was humbled by the experience. The postop was rough. I was on strict bed rest. I was only allowed to get up 15 minutes per hour. I was on drugs to reduce the chances of premature labour with side effects out of the arse. I could not pick up my daughter or take care of her. DH was there the first four weeks, but it was lonely when he went back to work. The biggest fear and worry was he might not survive. That weighed on my mind every single day and even after he was born. I was already feeling low, so I just did not bother with therapy. I cut my maternity leave short. I threw myself back into work and my fellowship. I distanced myself from him because I felt like he was better off without me. I only wish I had sought therapy sooner. Part of my intimacy issues stem from my need to only depend on myself--even when help is available and willing. I am still getting used to crying in front of DH. I dislike the thought of being a burden, and I hate when people fuss over me. Expressing emotions is certainly tied up in that.

I agree 1000%. I am not ready for another child, yet! Our son will be two in June, and I am thinking of TTC in late 2015 or early 2016. We are in agreement to hold off until he is in school on a full-time basis, which will be around three or four. At our daughter's school, they do have an early learning centre for three year olds, and at his current school, he can stay there until he is five. Both have all day programmes that go on until 3 PM, and as competitive as schooling is here, we need to apply now to secure him a spot. We are still rebuilding our marriage, and we are adjusting to the latest addition to our family. Outside of the family, it has been just shy of a year since I ended my relationship with my ex, so there is plenty to keep us busy.

Trying to prevent a pregnancy until then may be another story. The last pregnancy scare was in January. I have never prayed so hard for my cycle to make an appearance. I was overjoyed when it finally came. My BC implant is back in, so hopefully there will be no surprise babies!
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