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  #671  
Old 10-22-2013, 08:14 PM
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Hmmmm, so Matt was maybe angling for that "comfort zone" that he was already used to, rather than risk believing that monogamy might be here to stay? but would he have left you as soon as you took up on that "offer?" Yikes, I guess when I compile all the data I have so far, it does seem possible. I don't blame you for not wanting to mess with a good thing.

Hope nothing I said caused the other good thing to be jettisoned; I know this best friend of yours is a good lady and far more trustworthy than Si. But I guess on the other hand, if I effectively voted for your marriage with Matt to continue, then I believe I voted right, and I'm glad that you were already of the same mind.

From my dubious atheist viewpoint, I always fancy that given millions of years to live, we'd all be able to explore a lot more relationships without so big of a risk. But even if there is an afterlife, we still all have to decide what we're going to do with the precious mortal years that we have. Your post and decision show a profound love for your husband. I can't be sad about that, I think you should follow what your heart and mind are already telling you.
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  #672  
Old 10-22-2013, 10:50 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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It may be a comfort zone for him. Sadly, I can no longer say the same. It is more familiar than any of what we have now, but I like exploring the unknown. This feels right, and it feels good.

He knows the flaws of poly. He has seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is because of those same reasons that if he was in a poly marriage again, I know he would leave. It would no longer be worth it. Why would anyone willingly subject themselves to potential pain after they have had a taste of the other side which is more peaceful and happy?

I had doubts, so no, it was nothing you said.

Kevin, the man drives me nuts with all his quirks. I swear he was born to get on my nerves and stay on them, but I cannot see my life without him in it. Ugh. I hate gushing about him. It is cavity inducing.
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  #673  
Old 10-23-2013, 10:43 PM
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Re:
Quote:
"He has seen the good, the bad, and the ugly."
Well, once one has seen all three of those sides, I guess little doubt remains in one's mind as to whether one wants it.

I think he is trying hard to see that this is your decision not his, even though his very presence in the marriage depends on that decision. He's probably convinced that in any poly situation, he just won't fit in.

Yep, one cannot be too careful about a decision such as this. It looks so innocent at first glance ...
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  #674  
Old 10-24-2013, 01:06 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Absolutely.

He cannot believe that I gave it all up of my own accord. I cannot say I did it for him because he would interpret that I like I did it solely because of him, so I have to be careful about how I phrase this. I believe some guilt might be at work.

I believe he feels bad about needing monogamy, and no matter what I say, he will always be inclined to believe that any decision I made regarding what to give up, was made due to his [perceived] "selfish" need. Some part of him probably feels like he cornered me in to abandoning something that made me "happy." That is not the case.

I have no idea how to make him believe anything differently.
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  #675  
Old 10-25-2013, 12:09 AM
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As to whatever insecurities Matt has about this monogamy thing, I think it's important that someone who's "polyamorous by orientation" doesn't *have* to be poly, any more than someone who's "bi by orientation" *has* to have relations with both genders. It is a *capacity* that one can have -- not a *necessity.*

Maybe he'll never be able to believe that entirely, but as the years go by his trust level should slowly improve. Put very simply, polyamory is not the right way for everyone. It's not necessarily the right way for him, and if you are devoted to him then who says monogamy isn't okay for you too?

He might realize that someday. These things take time.
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  #676  
Old 10-25-2013, 12:13 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default Time

I just read ColorsWolf's thread about limitations, and I wanted to expand on it.

I have self-imposed limits. I get the whole, "One must make time for things that are important," but my plate is full. I keep looking like how in the world did I think this was ever going to work? Outside of my self-imposed limits, post-fallout, Matt created a list of about 30 different boundaries. Our therapist tried unsuccessfully to whittle them down. He was not having it. He is still holding on to them and compromise is just not something he is willing to do when it comes to his needs and boundaries.

If I was in another relationship right now, the last window of opportunity to just see a person would have been mid-September. To give an idea of just how much I have been in motion since the end of September...I was on a girls holiday with my daughter, mum, and MIL, from 21st September until 4th October. I spent that entire weekend with my son, DH, and catching up on rest, and I returned to work full-time on Monday. School resumed on Tuesday.

If all that was not enough, on the 16th, we left for the UK. We arrived on the 17th. We attended a funeral on the 19th and got on a flight that same night, We returned home on Monday morning and had 3.5 hours to spare before making school runs and going to work until 3 PM. From 3:15-7 and from 9-12, every day, I have been on my toes with my children and Matt. This weekend? Doing it all over again. DH and I are leaving for London today, attending a funeral the early part of Saturday, taking part in my best friend's vow renewal on Saturday (in the Cote d'Azur), flying out in the small hours of Sunday, and we will be back here on Monday morning to go to work.

Lots of time for a relationship, huh? My only free time these days are the weekends, and I have been tied up for three out of four weekends this month. Not to mention that is family time. The only people I have wanted to be around during this period of grieving have been my family. When I say I do not have the time for someone, it is reality. I feel pretty confident in saying that my schedule is not going to lighten up.

I look at people in amazement who could balance all of this seamlessly and never miss a beat. I just do not see a way that the way I once lived and constructed my life would ever be possible again.

33 weeks post-apocalypse...still hanging in there and wading through this battlefield.
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  #677  
Old 10-25-2013, 12:35 AM
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Can I say how much I've appreciated your posts over the years, just from the sense of human honesty that you bring to everything? Thank you.

I don't know you, but feel I know a little bit from your postings. To travel like this from Australia to Europe, back and forth - good lord, how do you do it? My family barely manages our kind-of-regular US/Euro switch without major upheaval. Exhaustion must be a serious problem for you... I wish you strength.

As for a thread topic from what seems like a while ago... it sounds lovely that Matt undestands your love for your best friend, and her love for you. It sounds like that is a safe space for you to be you, just as you are - where the past is full of deeply meaningful and loving interactions, and they've always been safe. If poly can mean THAT, well, hot damn, right?
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  #678  
Old 10-25-2013, 02:43 AM
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Dear Ry,

Would you please explain to ColorsWolf why time limitations are a valid kind of limitation on the practice of love Huge sigh, cancel that, not only would he not get it, I'm not sure he'd even notice your post. He's a little preoccupied with coming up with new thread titles and heavy topics that sound like, "Whoah, dude, that is heavy, if only I could wrap my mind around that."

Meanwhile, the self-limiting (self-hating) majority of the population obsesses itself with trivial emotional issues like time and sex management, while missing the whole point of logical things like free love and going with the flow. We definitely need more marijuana to get our mindsets into the right places for *true* contemplation of what logical issues (and we all know what they are) would prevent our species from destroying itself over mis-matching T-shirts.

It's real simple.
  • Love = good.
  • Good = no limitations.
The only oddity in this is that the relationship anarchists I know of seem to have their blocks steered on pretty straight, and deal with the limitations that do exist with objectivity and calm. Guess they're not smoking their magic pipes?

I am such a bully when it comes to making fun of people. I'll just have to hope people can laugh at themselves and say, "I was a little stoned, wasn't I?"

Not a hard concept:
  • Love = limitless.
  • Time = limited by mortality.
Does it need more explanation? Help me out here, if anyone can.
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  #679  
Old 10-27-2013, 06:31 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default Two funerals...

We are in France until tomorrow morning. My aunt asked me to stay a little longer. I am spending the night with her. It was too hard on her being in that home, so we brought her to our villa in France. She has asked all of the members of the family to just come and spend a night or two with her just so she will have someone to talk to. Matt is cooking for everyone right now.

She is not taking his death well at all. They gave her a dose of Lorazepam to pretty much keep her calm. She could not even get out of the car for the burial. My maternal grandmother stayed with her and held her hand. We stayed with her until they sealed the vault. The dose wore off yesterday when she made it back to their home. She went to her bedroom to change clothing, and when she was walking back through the hallway that lead to his bedroom, she broke down. My mum and dad just held her. She has had her up moments like she is praying for the strength to weather this storm, and she has had her down moments where she says that she is not sure she will ever be okay again. It is going to be a long time before she is okay, but we are all surrounding her and willing to be her strength while she is weak.

I have never seen her so sad and just lost. For 23 years, he took care of everything. He treated my aunt like a queen. He refused to call her adult children his step-children, and he was as proud of them as an daddy could ever be. He told my cousin that she did not need to work while at university because he was going to cover all the expenses. His only request was that she make him proud and give him a reason to brag about his daughter. She said it best, "We never wanted or needed anything. Even if it was his last, he was still going to give it to make sure we had what we needed." She mentioned how on Tuesday, two days before his death, she set the alarm on her phone to go off every two hours so she could administer the doses of Roxanol, so he would know how it felt to, "never want for anything," like them.

My uncle's funeral was a great celebration. The minister preached the hell out of that eulogy/sermon. I have never heard of the grave being phrased as a holding place or passageway to the next stop. He had to unzip the robe, unbutton a few buttons on his shirt, and loosen up his tie. I have never been to a funeral with that much life.

I was surprised to see my name on the programme. My aunt wanted me to perform the closing tribute. I have never been able to sing or play the piano in public, but I had to yesterday. That was daunting, and at that point, the funeral directors were moving the casket by the door for the final exit viewing. The song was "Make You Feel My Love," by Bob Dylan. It was one of their favourite songs. I tried not to cry while singing or during the service, but during the final viewing, the tears just feel freely. They did a good job on him. He looked like himself, and I am okay with remembering him like that. He fought a good fight, defeat was calling, and he can rest now.
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  #680  
Old 10-27-2013, 07:33 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default and a Wedding.

Last night, my best friend and her DH renewed their vows after 15 years of marriage, and it was a beautiful celebration.

Her DH and their girlfriend came to me and enlisted my help with planning this renewal. When they tied the knot the first time, it was very impromptu and certainly not their idea of a "dream wedding." Her DH has been wanting to do this, and I applaud his level of romanticism. I happily agreed to help them in any way I could. I was able to get information out of her by telling her that Matt and I are planning on renewing our vows, and she volunteered the information about how she would want her wedding to be. From there, we got to work. All the time I was getting the information from her and using it to plan this. She knew about the renewal, but we kept her in the dark about almost all of the details. She made one secret request, and it was to honour their commitment to their girlfriend. They have been with her for almost 10 years, so I adored that idea.

Planning it was not hard because we had so many people offering to help and wanting to make it as wonderful as possible. We gladly accepted the help. Everyone banded together and pulled it off. There were about 60 guests present. She just wanted something intimate and romantic, and she got it.

I was asked to be the matron of honour, and I was thrilled. I was helping her get dressed, and she was feeling butterflies. Everyone gasped when the doors opened. I have never seen her look more radiant. To honour their triad, her parents walked her halfway down the aisle, and their girlfriend walked her down the other half. Her parents continued the walk with her--to signify that they would always stand behind her and be there if needed--and they gave her away to both of them. It was executed flawlessly. Her dad was adorable when he told them that they better [continue] to take care of his little girl.

Their daughters and girlfriend officiated, and it was perfect. My BF's request was to include the girlfriend in the the exchanging of the rings and vows, and that was a surprise to the girlfriend. They co-designed a ring for her. Their bands are all similar and have the three respective anniversary dates inscribed in Roman numerals. (Husband and BF's wedding anniversary, the triad's joint anniversary, and then the husband and girlfriend's anniversary.) I know there was not a dry eye in the house. I have seen some of the shots, and the photographer captured it brilliantly. I loved when the three of them walked out together.

The reception was equally beautiful, and my BF had the time of her life. She deserved it, and I hope it was one of the best days of her life. We went for a walk during the reception and sat by the lake. We had a heart to heart about our mutual feelings surrounding a potential relationship. We definitely needed to talk about it. I will discuss that at a later point and time.

My aunt joined us at the party for awhile. It was good to see her laughing and smiling. It was a sad day, and I think being around people other than our family and those offering condolences helped her last night. Matt stayed with her until she fell asleep. All she can do is take it day by day and grieve however she sees fit.

What a trying month. Two funerals and a wedding. Bring on November. We are more than ready.

Edit: Si was not present at the wedding, and I am glad. It would have been uncomfortable for everyone. I can just imagine her response to my best friend and I carrying on like we do. My BF was not keen on her being there, and she was only inviting her because we were still together when the save the date cards went out.
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Mr. Grey - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
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Last edited by FullofLove1052; 10-27-2013 at 07:39 PM.
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, from poly to mono, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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