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  #641  
Old 09-28-2013, 09:32 PM
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Don't know if this would help, but has he tried Polyamorous Percolations? It is a much quieter forum (Polyamory.com stole most of its thunder I think), but it has a good track record for nearly all posts being answered, and answered in a thoughtful, considerate way. Not that no one ever voices a disagreement, but in my five plus years spent on that site, I have found it to be (overall) the gentlest and most understanding of any forum I've ever tried (and I've tried quite a few). Might be something to think about if Polyamory.com sometimes gets on his nerves (and/or sometimes gets on your nerves).

I understand what you're saying about monogamous people thinking he puts up with too much, while polyamorous people think he puts up with too little. Obviously he needs an audience that can see the middle ground. Perhaps you do too?

From reading Matt's blog so far, it looks to me like he actually handles the naysaying pretty well; in fact it almost gives him a "force to push against" which can be kind of cathartic. But a fresh point of view (or points of view) has a good chance of being beneficial for both of you. Hence my reason for mentioning Poly Percs: There's always a chance it could help. I know, I know, more stuff to bother with. Perhaps lurk a bit on that site and see what you think? It's an older site (by about four years).

It's pretty discouraging when even a counselor doesn't get it. Sure it's great to see to one's own individual needs, but what's the point of being in a relationship if everyone in the relationship isn't making a due effort to help each other? So it's not "each man to himself," in my opinion.
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  #642  
Old 10-04-2013, 12:31 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default Happy Post!

Home sweet home. I have never been so happy to see my home. I could not be better if I wanted to be. I will post more later.

I cannot explain the way DH was looking at me at the airport, but the looks shared between us said it all, honey. The "I missed you's" were felt. I could have held on to him forever. If we had been at home, that kiss would have been the start of something passionate and intense. The connection we have still makes my heart beat faster.

I am very reserved about certain things like love. I have talked about the bad, the lows, the moments of pain and sadness that became all too familiar, but I have yet to touch on the emotional highs of this new chapter.

I love my man with every fibre of my being. His love is intoxicating, and it fills me up and gives me everything I need. I cannot begin to explain what his love means to me. It is the way he says my name. It is something in the way he holds me. It is the way he kisses me and touches me without ever physically laying a hand on me. It is the way his love surrounds me and protects me when I am with him or far away from him. It is something in the way he believes in me and sees the good in me even when I fuck up. It is all in the way he loves me with his whole heart.

This is everything I always had but never knew I needed and once took for granted. We have been through some tough shit recently, and some way and somehow, he found it in his soul and heart to give our love and marriage a fighting chance. I have no idea how I took this for granted, but damn. I have been missing out. I was oblivious to the obvious of what I had right in front of me.

Enough about that. I am already grinning like a Cheshire, and my cheeks hurt.

I am snuggling up with my little duckie and taking it easy for now. It is too pretty of a day to sit inside. Plus, I slept for 11/15 hours on the flight. I will unpack over the weekend. Duckie #2 and I have a charity event to attend from 11-2. DH and duckie #1 are gone to a children's detective's day and attending a Little Mermaid tea at 12, I believe.

We have counselling and a date tonight, so we will get some face-to-face QT time in tonight. Our communication has come a long way. I am proud of us. I am very much looking forward to tonight.

I hope everyone is doing well.
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  #643  
Old 10-04-2013, 11:05 PM
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Sounds to me like things are going well and even Matt's posts have been upbeat lately. Hope your couseling and stuff goes well.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 10-05-2013, 06:18 AM
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Default Part I

Yesterday, DH and I were reunited after being apart for almost two weeks. I missed him terribly when I was gone.

Due to prior obligations, we were apart for most of the afternoon. We had lunch with our children, and then, we left them with Nanny J, while we went to counselling from 4-5:15. Counselling was different in a good way. DH opened up to me about his fears about what is going to happen after this crazy accelerated dopamine level drops and how he feels from day to day. I know how hard it is for him to open up to me, but when he does, it gives me a clearer glimpse in to his heart and his mind. He is a host of emotions. He revealed how it is a struggle to open up to me privately, but he made sure to tell me that he is actively working on that. Since he has an aversion to saying anything negative about poly, he did reveal what it was he specifically disliked about poly and why he felt that way. Dr. L. wants to expand on that in the next session. He revealed the thoughts and actions that lead to his return. I can honestly say that he bared his soul and shed a few tears when we got to the parking lot. I wiped his tears and just held him. For us, that openness was a huge deal. It signifies that the trust is continuing to grow, and some part of him feels comfortable with being vulnerable and open to me. I hope we continue on this path because I think we are finally, finally, FINALLY on a healthy path. Glory.

We are still working on integration, balance, and retaining our identities and respective interests. We have 13 years of separate lives to integrate in to one. Yes, they intersected at some points, but that is not the case for all aspects. There were things I was doing with Si that he had no part of. There were things he was doing when I was with her that I could not realistically be part of because I was with her. We have actually found a balance. He gets a break from me, our children, and just goes out with his friends. I am loving getting to know who he is, what he is about, and the man that he has become.

We ended the session on a fun note. She asked how our communication was during my holiday? We told her that we talked every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. We were sending flirty texts, having Skype sex, saying "I love you" just because, and getting back to the core of our love. She was pleased with that. Adding another little marker on our progress.

After our session, he asked if I wanted to go home right then, or if we could go for a walk? It was unexpected, but it was perfect. We just held hands and enjoyed the beautiful weather for 15 minutes. It was just enough time to reconnect, reflect on the previous 75 minutes, and enjoy being with one another.

We had dinner with our children and Nanny J around 6ish. She asked if she could take them to a dance/disco that was being sponsored by one of the children's hospitals. We happily agreed, and we saw them off at 6:30.
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  #645  
Old 10-05-2013, 07:02 AM
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Seems like a pretty significant breakthrough in counseling. I am glad he is opening up and baring a vulnerable side.
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  #646  
Old 10-06-2013, 12:53 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I will be seeing my ex in a little under three weeks for my best friend's vow renewal weekend. I will be discussing this as the time gets closer. I want to avoid the awkward energy or run-ins, but DH and Si in close proximity with some bad blood still brewing between them is not going to be an easy feat. He will look through her, but she gets something out of provoking and irritating him. For that reason alone, I am on the fence about bringing our children to the reception because they could very well be a trigger for Si. Who is to say that she might not feel inclined to speak to either of them? Duckie #1's attitude towards her and DH's protectiveness may not be conducive to being around someone like Si. I have a bad feeling about it. They will be at the ceremony as we are all part of it. They might have to miss the reception, though. We will decide how to proceed within the next week.

I just hope it stays peaceful. He is not the confrontational type, but judging by recent behaviour, she can be. The only fireworks I want to see are the ones during the reception. I am praying that she will not cause a scene. We have had no contact since the day I decided to eliminate the possibility of us ever being friends. The day is not about us and all of our past drama. Civility and maturity will be tested, though.

I do know that I will not be asking DH to lay off on the PDA because of her feelings. Major lesson learned from the weekend in Northumberland. Never will I ever do that again. He can rest assured.
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  #647  
Old 10-06-2013, 11:30 PM
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Well, I hope Si behaves, both for your sake and for your best friend's sake, as like you said, this is supposed to be a special day all about your best friend and hir renewed vows, not a day about Matt and Si's bad blood between each other. I'm thinking I'd strongly consider removing the kids from the reception environment, although I know that prospect sucks. There may be other occasions where the kids' mutual presence with Matt and Si can be appropriately tested. But now is probably not the time to take any chances.

Even without the kids at the reception, Si could easily confront Matt and push his buttons, so I hope she doesn't do that. She, too, should have the decency toward your best friend to respect the occasion, and not try to hijack it. Guess I'll just keep my fingers crossed for you guys. You deserve a little drama-free happiness.
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  #648  
Old 10-07-2013, 12:09 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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It is the fear of not knowing what she might do that is driving me to be on the fence. I am strongly leaning towards letting them stay with Nanny J for the duration of the reception. My best friend understands the situation, and she is fine with whatever our decision is. I would rather not take any chances. Emotions might still be running high. This will be the first time I have seen her since that lunch we had last month, and the first face-to-face contact since I informed her that a friendship would not be feasible. It will also be the first time she has seen my children in months. It has bad idea written all over it.

I would hope she would not do that because I would step in, and it would get really ugly. It would be nice to have a drama-free evening with her around.
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  #649  
Old 10-07-2013, 07:26 AM
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Indeed. I'll send some good ju-ju your way, and hope that Si has the good sense to leave someone else's renewal of vows and subsequent reception unscathed, if she can't add to the joy of the occasion herself.
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  #650  
Old 10-08-2013, 03:22 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default Part II

I got sidetracked like something serious. This response was supposed to immediately follow the other one, but mummy and wifely duties called.

Back to Friday night aka the reunion night. We had reservations for pre-dinner drinks at 7:30. I am not sure if it was something in the water or the air, but the heat was turned up. Admittedly, I was doing things to turn him on and distract him. We did not leave the house until 7:20 for a 7:30 reservation. Pitiful, huh?

During dinner, I upped the ante. Liquid encouragement? Oh yes. I whispered in his ear how bad I wanted to fuck him. His facial expression said it all. When we got to the car, he told me, "You are going to have to back all of that talk up and let me see what is really up." Before slipping behind the wheel and intentionally rubbing against him, I told him, "He is up, but trust me, I can and will back it up."

Unfortunately, there was no sex, yet. Parenting duties came first. We made it home around 9:00 to put our little ones to bed. By 9:30, they were sleeping peacefully. DH and I went back out after they were in bed. We went to this grown and sexy lounge. When we were dancing, we were pretty damn hot. I love to watch him dance because he is so smooth. Our styles blend well together. He knows the language my body speaks as if it were his first language. It translates brilliantly on the dance floor.

When we got home, he woke Nanny J up, so she could retire. We said our good-nights to her, and I knew it was on. He had me up against the wall in the entryway. He asked, "Ready to prove that you are more than talk?" I asked him if he meant right in that spot, and he said, "Yeah. Quit stalling." He kissed me, and I felt his hand in between my thighs. Something about a series of spine tingling, knee buckling, toe curling orgasms just makes you want to slide down a wall. In a swift movement, my legs were wrapped around his waist, and he was inside of me. My body welcomed as much of him as it could handle. My breathing increased with every stroke. I had to cling to him and ride the wave of pleasure that consumed me. I felt like I had been hit by a thunderbolt. He had me turned on, turned out, and wondering what was going to happen next. Little did I know, that was just the start.

I needed to regain my composure after that. I took a shower with him to calm my body down. I was still feeling the aftermath of our previous session. He got out of the shower after me and just watched me putting on moisturiser and putting my hair up. He asked if we could do something, and I was hesitant at first but agreed. He went in to my closet and brought out two scarves. He tied me my hands to the bed. Tight enough to keep me in place but loose enough for me to slip out if I had to. He informed me that if anything was going to be happening in between or on the sheets, I would have to tell him what I wanted. <-- my face.

He asked me where I wanted his mouth, his hands, etc. With his mouth, it started with a kiss. After every brush of his lips on my skin, he would ask if it was there or somewhere else that I wanted him? He moved down to the nape of my neck, my décolletage, my nipples, in between my breasts, the plane of my abdomen, the spot right below my navel, each leg from hip to foot (inner and outer), and when he placed his mouth on me and tasted me, I arched up to meet the his tongue and said, "There!" That was all I could get out. Between his fingers and mouth, I ascended that high many times over. At one point, when he was kissing me and fingering me, I was within seconds of exploding again. I looked him in his eyes and told him, "I want to feel you inside of me right now." Before he gave me what I wanted, he untied me. Our lovemaking was different than the first time. In a totally uncharacteristic move, I started weeping. He asked if I was okay and if I needed a minute. He did not move until I gave him the okay to do so. He was so tender and patient.

I cried because I felt wide open and had nothing to hide behind. No clothing. No dim lighting. I swear my body never bounced back completely after my pregnancies, so I was never overly confident with my post-pregnancy body. I bitched about the pesky 4.6 kgs I was holding on to until a few months ago. 4.6 measly kgs, and one could have sworn it was 46.

I am not even sure he knew what he had done right then, but he broke down the wall of insecurity I had surrounding my body. He looked at me as if I had the perfect body and was most beautiful woman in the world. He appreciated everything--including my godawful hysterotomy scar, and I saw no reason to be insecure. Usually, I would want to hide it and cover up immediately, but I was totally comfortable and secure last night. Even after I was untied. That was the first time that has happened. There is something to be said about allowing yourself to be vulnerable and trusting with your whole heart and being.

We cuddled after and talked about the tears. He thinks my body is perfect and does not understand why I would want to hide it from him. Like I told him, I think the scar is disgusting. He believes otherwise and appreciates what it represents: the birth of our son. I can look at it like that. Tying me up was one way to insure that he would be able to admire my body in its entirety without me stopping him. Kudos to him for pushing me outside of my comfort zone and helping me see that there is nothing wrong with my body. As I always do, I curled up in his arms, laid my head on his chest, and slept peacefully for the rest of the night. I sleep better when in his arms.

What a journey to the new normal this has been. 30 weeks, 5 days down and a lifetime to go. Some highs. Some lows. Some great sex. Some real life changing decisions. Ready and willing to tackle whatever comes my way.
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, from poly to mono, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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