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  #611  
Old 08-20-2013, 07:32 PM
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I agree with all of that post.
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  #612  
Old 08-24-2013, 02:09 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default "To err is human, to forgive is divine?"

Eh. I am still a work in progress so not posting within my blog is probably not the best idea.

Our schedule is balanced right now. My parenting skills keep coming in to question, and it annoys me. I am not the perfect mum. I do not spend every waking hour with my children, and I do have a right to have interests of my own. At the end of the day, they are not missing out on anything. The latest I am out is on Monday nights when I have a workout and toning class. The class ends at 9. I make sure homework is done, and that we have had dinner and spent time as a family before I leave at 7.

What my schedule looked like this week:

6:30-7:30 Cuddling with DH (One hour block of uninterrupted QT time.)
7:30-8:15 - Morning baths, getting them dressed for school, talking to Nanny J, and/or fixing breakfast for the little ones.
8:20 Out of the house and driving to duckie #1's school
8:25 Parking, getting duckie #'2 pram, and walking her in to the school.
8:30-9 Parent/child time in her classroom.
9:00 Driving to Brighton to take duckie #2 to his nursery
9:15 Dropped duckie #2 off and heading to meet DH
9:20-9:50 Breakfast or morning tea with DH before we start our days. No discussing our children. (On Friday's he has a music class.)
10:00-1:00 (work for me) and 10-5:30 (work for him)
1:15-2:15 Lunch with DH, grocery shopping, or home to do laundry, unload the dishwasher, or pick up toys
2:15-2:45 Dinner preparation.
2:55 Leaving home to pick up duckie #1.
3:00-3:05 In the line to pick her up.
3:10-3:40 A run to Frolic to chat about her day and to spend some one-on-one time with her.
3:55 Picked up Duckie #2 and heading to Bentleigh for duckie #1's ballet class. (Tuesday - ballet and Wednesday hip hop)
4:15 Arrive at the dance studio.
4:30-5:00 Watch her practise.
5:05-5:15 Driving home
5:20 Duckie #2 wants a snack.
5:30 Put the already prepared dinner in the oven or on the stove.
5:45 While dinner is in the oven/on the stove, I help duckie #1 with any homework. If she has none, I play with her, my son, or both of them. She likes to play with Barbies, paint, and go over routines again.
6:00 DH gets home. Talk to him in the kitchen, ask how his day was, and he goes upstairs to take a shower.
6:20 DH plays with the little ones and sets the table.
6:25 Washing up for dinner.
6:30-7:00 Dinner and clean-up
7:05-7:20 Being entertained by my 1 year old while duckie #1 works on wrapping DH around her finger.
7:30-8:30 Nanny J watches them for an hour while we take salsa lessons on Tuesdays.
8:45-9:30 Light snack for my little guy--usually fruit or something really soft like the melts and cuddling with my princess while we watch Disney Jr. or Nick Jr. as a family.
9:30-10 Bath time, duckie #'s last feeding while we read him a story, French braid my baby's hair while talking with her, pyjamas, prayers, story time, singing, or cuddling with my son until they fall asleep. By 10, they are in dream land.
10:05-11:05 Bubble bath, massages, catching up on texts, phone calls, e-mails before we shut it down for the night.

The rest of the night is spent with DH. Usually we eat junk food or make a froyo run, have a glass of wine, cuddle in front of the fireplace, watch CSI: Miami (love Horatio), L&O: Criminal Intent (Goren and Eames were the best), or Four Weddings Canada, or make love. Often we just talk and laugh at the most random things. The time is free time, so no two nights are the same. For example, last night, I went out after he went to bed. I told him before, and he just told me to be careful. I just had some bonding time with my female friends. We listened to music at a jazz club, had cocktails, and I was home by 12:30. He went out with some of his friends earlier in the week, so it was no issue. Every one was still sleeping peacefully.

For once, there is nothing but peace in my life. My children are beaming with happiness. DH is relaxed. I have no stress. I wake up with a smile on my face every day. Spring is almost here, and Father's Day Part II is 1st September. I am still trying to figure out what to get DH.

I talked to my bestie's girlfriend, who is a great friend of mine, and she informed me of a few things. Si is heavily considering moving back to the UK. Apparently, she was in London earlier this week and left for Ibiza the night she returned. She is there with a group of our mutual friends. I am not in contact with her, so all of that was a surprise to me. I am glad that she is surrounded by loved ones and hopefully taking care of herself.

I am having an issue of sorts within myself, and it is why I felt the urge to post again. I miss having my ex in my life as a friend. Generally, I am a terribly forgiving person, but I just do not have it in my heart to forgive her. After the most recent argument with Matt, she sent me an e-mail that was a confessional of sorts. To say it left me flabbergasted and with my jaw permanently smashed in to the ground would be the understatement of the century. In not so many words, she confirmed Matt's fears of her trying to replace him, refusing to respect boundaries, and doing whatever it took to push him out. She admitted to revelling in the fact that he left in March and wanted a divorce. She was overconfident in thinking that I would not fight for my marriage and that she had accomplished her goal. This is no different than a poly spouse who encounters a cowgirl. Only Si did not say she wanted to be exclusive. Oh no. That would not have accomplished anything. She implemented actions to get it done.

As soon as I told her that he would be returning and that we had committed to working our arses off to save it, she went cold. If you have been following this for the past six months, this is the point when Si stopped calling and returning calls. She ignored texts. She ignored my daughter's calls. Bailed on ballet recitals, days at the park, and doing things with the children she claimed she loved as her own. As a result of her behaviour and inability to be the only one investing in our relationship, I ended it at the very end of March. I realise she had a lot to work through internally, but that was no excuse for her to shut my children out. I ended up forgiving her for that in the weeks after, but my DH and even daughter have not done so.

Now that I know the full truth, I cannot even get mad. I appreciate it, but I am disappointed because it makes me feel like she did not respect our marriage or his place in my life. It makes me feel used. It also makes me question her commitment to my children and if they were also pawns or props in a sick, twisted game to one-up DH because she was jealous and envious of him and what he had with me. I seriously wonder if she only wanted to become a third parent to piss him off.

Everything she did was with the intention of driving him away and setting him off, and I am just not sure I can ever respect someone like that or allow them back in to my world. If so, I will never trust her again and question her every step of the way. What did she do? Everything from taking a job at the same place and knowing that he would be forced to see her at work and then at our home (causing him to get tired of seeing her every damn day) to knowing that she was cutting into his time with our children to saying that she did not want to move after we had purchased a home, started extensive renovations, etc. She knew that I would ask him to reconsider because of her and viewing her as part of "my" family. It was all part of it.

DH may have had his issues with her, but he always respected her and made accommodations for our relationship. At no point did he ever ask me to end it or isolate her like he probably wanted to. DH tried to tell me all these things, and I dismissed him like he was overreacting. Maybe if I had listened all of this could have been avoided. Oh well. The sad part is that her e-mail did not contain a single apology. Why would I want someone like that around me? I may forgive her for myself, but I need to let go of this idea of her ever being friend material again. Letting her back into my life spells trouble, and it would be disrespectful to my husband's feelings to have someone around who clearly does not respect him. I need to stick to what I said about no contact and follow through.

Anywho, I hope everyone is well. I am off to get some pampering in. We have a gala to attend tonight.
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  #613  
Old 08-25-2013, 12:25 AM
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I suppose it is okay to be polite towards Si. An occasional email to say hi might not be too much, if she wants to send one. I'd be wary of investing much more into it than that. Whatever her motives and whatever happened in the past, it seems apparent that you and she are now traveling on divergent roads; your interests have diverged and your goals in life don't seem to be compatible. She is free to choose her own goals and live her own life.

I see no harm in forgiveness, and I'm sure it will come in time. It just doesn't need to be accompanied by an attempt to re-form close ties; you can be reasonably friendly without trying to pretend that things haven't changed a lot.

Hopefully Si will learn from this and be honest about her intentions in the future. That's up to her now. In the meantime, you have a husband and children and a good balance in your life that seems to be satisfactory to all within your household. As the old saying goes, if it ain't broke, there's no need to fix it. That's my take on it anyway.
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  #614  
Old 08-25-2013, 04:18 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Right. I do not even feel like feigning politeness, and I do not need someone around that I cannot trust. It is better with no contact. I have no doubt that our paths will cross; the unfortunate side of having mutual friends. I know how to avoid people I wish to have no contact with, so even those situations will not pose a problem. The next time will be my bestie's vow renewal in October, and I am not overshadowing her special day with the dramatics. *shrug*

The level of balance is satisfactory to those in my household. Naturally, I have people who bitch about us having a nanny, claim I need to spend more time with my children, and basically lose my identity in being a wife and mother. That may have worked in the 1950s, but it is 2013. I am a hands on and modern mother. I can treat myself to a blowout and mani/pedi and still take my daughter to the park. I can find time to take a yoga class and still be at ballet recitals. I can take salsa lessons and still be around for homework, dinner, and bedtime routines. I see nothing wrong with wanting to have an identity outside of my children.

I encounter people every day whose lives revolve around their children. What they ate, what they said, what kind of marks they made at school, and they lack the ability to hold a grown-up and stimulating conversation. They have no interests, hobbies, or anything outside of being someone's wife and mother. I do not want to be like that. It is possible to strike a balance amongst my interests, my career, and my family life. I have done it, and this formula is working. I find that the most judgemental people tend to be childless or have not had a dependent child in 15-20 years. No two parenting styles are the same, and I have carved out my own style. I am confident in how I am raising my children.
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  #615  
Old 08-25-2013, 04:07 PM
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There doesn't seem to me to be any problem with the way your kids are being raised. They are still getting a fair share of your time and attention.
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  #616  
Old 08-28-2013, 02:47 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Unhappy Family Stuff

I am doing quite wonderfully. I am off today, so my little guy is spending the day with me. We had breakfast at this bakery in South Yarra with DH after he dropped our daughter off at school. I love spending time with my son. It takes very little to make him happy. Cuddling with him is enough to keep a smile on his face. He is easygoing just like his daddy.

DH and I are doing well. We are still a work in progress. We are scheduled for a lunch date with our son in a couple of hours. 3/4 of the family but still family time. Father's Day is Sunday, and duckie #1's class is hosting a Father's Day breakfast, on Friday, which is really sweet. So all in all, everything in our lives is going as well as can be expected.

Now for the heavier stuff.

My nephew is finally getting the help he needs that stems from Parental Alienation Syndrome. Backstory: he was alienated from my sister for three months during the summer of 2012. His paternal grandparents kidnapped him. Sordid situation that still makes my blood boil. His sister is with the father, but she needs treatment, too. My sister talks to her on his whim. 99% of the time, she has no idea where her daughter is because he refuses to allow her to have contact. That was the second time he had kidnapped my niece and legally got away with it. The first time was in March 2005. My sister was leaving him, and he took her in a public place. He had already had plans in place and secured physical and sole custody in the following weeks.

From March 2005 to December 2010, she might have seen her daughter a handful of times. In 2010, he had his parents drop her off at my sister's home because he was tired of caring for her. My sister had her from December 2010 to June 2012, which was when he decided to take her back. The grandparents asked to see her and her brother. My sister being the sweet person she is agreed because they are his parents. She had no idea that the sperm donor was part of it and orchestrated it all. They told my sister they would be back at x time. The time came and went. When she called them repeatedly, they informed her that they were not bringing them back. They proceeded to cut off their phones and disappeared. The police were immediately involved, and they basically dismissed it because she told them they could visit. It took getting the man from the Tiffany Rubin case involved, and once he got involved, progress was made. My sister's life became a movie last summer. The police gave them less than 24 hours to get back and surrender them, or they would be arrested and charged with enough crimes to never see the light of day again. Obviously, they surrendered.

They brought them back, but the damage was done. They had been indoctrinated, brainwashed, spoon fed information like they had been abused by my sister's partner. This is common in alienation. The daughter was saying things like malnourished and something about the cells in her body. No child old I know talks about that. They were like little zombies and robots. In lieu of the allegations, my niece and nephew were placed with my parents. The allegations were later unfounded. The daughter was devoid of empathy, and she admitted to lying about everything in this very satanic-like prayer. It scared me enough to fear leaving my daughter and newborn son close to her for fear that she would do something to them. My mother refused to let my baby brother stay at the house when she was there.

My niece is a pawn in her father's sick and very messed up game to get back at my sister for leaving him. He actually leaves her with his parents to raise. He has drug abuse issues, and he has been behind bars since the last custody hearing. He is an unfit parent, and it is like no one wants to acknowledge it. He managed to sustain custody because of a technicality, and she has been fighting since last year to try to get her daughter back. Honestly, I believe there might be sexual abuse because he is a little too obsessed with her. It was something my niece asked me that just seemed odd for a then 9 y/o. There is something not right with her paternal relatives. Starting from the grandmother to the mother to her father to her uncles, aunts, and cousins. That family is not right. As far as my niece, she reminds me of a bipolar schizophrenic.

My nephew has anger issues severe enough that a child psychiatrist felt that he needs to be on mood stabilisers. He is 8, and he threatened another child's life. There is a complex dynamic there. His father wants nothing to do with him, and he cannot wrap his head around that. After 7 years of no contact by the sperm donor's own choosing, he finally had some of his attention and love. Sadly, that love was only temporary and lasted long enough for him to get his sister back. He only wanted my niece. As messed up as it sounds, my nephew has been left with that, and he is angry at my sister because he thinks she is keeping him away from his sperm donor. When in reality, she could not even get him to call my nephew on his birthday last year, and he refuses to support him. It makes me mad because he desperately wants his father to love him, but he just acts like he was never born.

I have to get the little one ready for lunch, and I need to think about all of this. As with anything, I hope it works out, and I am glad my nephew is in therapy. They say everything happens for a reason. Hope everyone is doing well.

Ry
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  #617  
Old 08-28-2013, 08:28 PM
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Complicated situation; sounds like the kids have really suffered because of it. I think it will take them many years to (partially) recover.
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Old 09-01-2013, 04:03 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I could not be better. Today is Father's Day, and DH gave up "his" day for me. It is really sweet because when Mothering Day rolled around in March, the aftermath was just beginning. I actually took him to Heathrow the morning of the day. I spent M-Day with my children, and it was a sad one. I had to keep my spirits up, but it was rough. It was a period of uncertainty because it was the start of a separation, the height of an emotional few days, and the pain of not knowing what was going to happen next. My, how things have changed.

Mothering Day was 10 March, and that was a short three days after the hell had broken loose. I was the last person he wanted to be around or spend time with, and he put thousands of kilometres and continents in between us. Many people called him selfish and told him he was wrong for leaving on my day. I do not know if there is a hell, but if there was, our house was surrounded in flames. We were arguing constantly and at one point, we just shut down all communication. Being in the same room was painful. We were just sharing space. I understood why he left. I was mad that he left on that particular day, but I understood and respected his need for space.

Today has been quite the opposite, and I cannot thank him enough. He did not have to make amends, but I admire him for doing so. This time 6 months ago, I was on the verge of tears of sadness, but the tears today have been nothing but happy.

How I found out about the additional plans started because of a conversation about how me met. The conversation was really light-hearted and true to us:

Me: "13 years, 3 months, 3 weeks, 5 days."
Him: "Where is my medal? I survived Camp [insert my given name.]"
Me: "Only the strong survive this camp."
Him: "Who are you telling? I had to prove myself to you for over a year to get in to your heart."
Me: *side eye* "Was I worth it?"
Him: "Yeah. I was blown because you friend zoned me from night one."
Me: "Aww. I was a lesbian, and you were the first and only man I had ever been attracted to. I was like what is going on?"
Him: "I respected that because it gave me the time to get to know you and become best friends with the woman who would later agree to be my wife and mother of my kids."
Me: "Aww. That is so sweet."
Him: "Feel free to chill with the aww'ing. Can I tell you something?"
Me: "Sure."
Him: "I owe you a Mothering Day. I left on yours, and you deserved better than that. Without you, I wouldn't be a father or have those two kids down the hall. Do you mind if we honour you today?"
Me: "Are you serious?"
Him: "Yeah, it's your day, sweetheart. We can keep any plans you made, but I'd rather be in the background and treat you like my leading lady. I took yours away from you, and its bothered me. I just want to make it up and give you what is owed to you."
Me: "You do not have to do this."
Him: "I want to."
Me: "Aww. I love you."
Him: "I love you. Show me?"
Me: "Ooh. Problem. Kind of ovulating, and unless you are ready for #3?"
Him: "Not yet. Practice for our next big production couldn't hurt."
Me: "Unless a star is born in 9 months." *sings Fame* Remember my name. I am going to live forever. I am going to learn how to fly. I feel it coming together.
Him: "I'd like to feel us coming together."
Me: "You suck."
Him: "Not as well as you."
Me: "I so do not like you."
Him: "But you still love me."
Me: "Always."

Now, every time I hear "Fame," that will cross my mind. I appreciate our silly moments and ability to have fun with one another. You cannot always be serious and solemn.

I hope everyone is doing well. Off to wake the little duckies up from their naps and get ready for lunch.
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Old 09-01-2013, 08:15 PM
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What a wonderful day for the both of you. It sounds like just being together will be ample reward for you both.
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Old 09-02-2013, 12:28 AM
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I have got to reply about the parenting thing.
I totally agree with not losing yourself in it. I know I am a better parent when I have had a little time to take care of myself, to still be the person I was before I had 2 great kids and be able to grow intellectually physically and emotionally. I got a mani today after spending most of the weekend cleaning, shopping, paying bills... Does this make me a bad person?

I have to take my kids to the gym with me and put them in the on-site daycare. They love going to play and I come out refreshed, energized and physically strong enough to keep up with them. I see you get that from your yoga.

I love my job, but I don't get to be me there, more kids. So I have to squeeze adult time in where I can, pay sitters or wait till the ex takes them. Would I love to have a nanny to help? Oh yes. Are my kids getting ripped off, no way.

They have an active, participating mum, who knows she needs a little down-time to function at her best for them, seems to be similar for you.

Props to those who can do it 24/7 but I know I struggle when it is relentless.
Mums deserve to enjoy their life too, Ry.
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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