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  #51  
Old 04-10-2013, 02:51 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I do not object, but I cannot definitively say that it is something I just absolutely must do to maintain my happiness. I am realising that I can be happy with one person. I am not in the position to put a time frame on that. That is what is confusing people. I do not feel that anything is lacking in my life or that I need something more. I do not expect to feel that way this soon. I just ended a long-term relationship, so no, I am not in the mindset of being ready to date again. It has not even hit the 14 day mark, yet. I am poly in theory/identification, but mono in practise for the time being. Realistically, I just did not have the time to fight for my relationship and marriage. One or the other was going to get a bum deal. When I decided to end it, the relationship was the bum deal. All the pulling away, the not talking to me, and the overall stress. It had to end. I am sorry that it did, but I knew my limit was spilling over.

I prefer not to qualify. I cannot say when or if I will be ready to take on another relationship. It could be six months, or it could be six years. It could be never. And thank you. I have taken a liking to you as well, and I love reading your posts. Always interesting. People around me are ridiculous, and I do not feel bad about cutting them out of my life.

I think a lot of people are optimistic, and I am to a certain degree. I just choose not to paint the beautiful masterpiece of perfection because it does not exist. If that were the case, we would not have hundreds and hundreds of threads about problems happening and such. People need to know what they are getting into. My situation is a perfect example. I risked and lost quite a bit, and I never really realised it until it was almost too late. Now, I am doing damage control. It is not all rainbows and lollipops.

This transition has not been easy by any stretch. It is one major adjustment. For 17.5 years, poly has been all that I have practised and believed in. Even if it was just me and one person for a given amount of time, we knew it was probably not going to be like that forever, so that expectation or standard was never set. Now, I am having to make amendments and adjust accordingly to my new dynamic. It is major work to undo what has been in motion for more than half of my life. It is a daily struggle, and I do not see it getting any easier. Especially once the grief stage of my relationship ending is over. Who know how I will feel then? I see why Matt is not wanting to get comfortable with this arrangement.

Writing here has been a form of therapy, and it has helped. I cannot say I have any friends who have walked this path, so they are understanding some of it but not all of it. They respect it, and most agree that it was the right decision to make.

Thank you. I always have a lot on my plate. I am a busy bee 24/7. I am being forced to relax the next few days. I am under strict orders from my husband and best friend. Stress is not welcome. I was told to leave it where it was and empty my mind. I am not allowed to work on anything work related. My children are with Matt. (He is too much like George Lopez with his, "I got this," statement.) No telling what I will return home to. I foresee our little artist of a son colouring on the walls like it's his personal canvas. I am to have fun, sip fruity cocktails, go dancing, do yoga, visit a spa to be pampered, be one with nature, read a book, enjoy some time alone, and enjoy the wedding festivities. I can handle that.

Thank you. I am looking forward to a new beginning and a new chapter in this novel of life.

I wish all the pain could have been avoided, but we all have to learn from this and grow. My way of coping has been to correct my mistakes and work on one relationship at a time. Si's way was pulling away and shutting me out. Matt needed time alone. That time helped him, and he came back with a fresh perspective and an open mind.

In due time, Si and I might be able to talk or even get back together. Who really knows? Now just might not be the time for us. I still love her. Love is one of those lovely things that is not like a light switch, so you cannot switch it on and off. In the mean time, I am just taking it day by day. I do wish that she would talk my children. I would not want them to think it is anything they did. I have tried to explain it to them as best I could. The oldest is just accustomed to her always being around, and now, she is not seeing her at all. She picked up on it immediately and started asking questions, as I would expect from a very inquisitive and curious child.

Thank you for the vote of support.
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  #52  
Old 04-10-2013, 03:01 PM
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Hey, while you're in Bali, maybe you can change suites so you and she are not next to each other. Is Matt not with you on this trip (just wondering)?
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  #53  
Old 04-10-2013, 03:27 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hey, while you're in Bali, maybe you can change suites so you and she are not next to each other. Is Matt not with you on this trip (just wondering)?
Matt is at home with our children. I was not too fond of the idea of them being on such long-haul flights in such a close range.

I have already changed the return trip, so that we will not be on the same flights again. A perfect stranger picked up on the tension between us during the first flight. We were just making small talk. He asked if it was a lovers quarrel? That made me think, "Is it that obvious?" The reverse to people picking up on chemistry even when a couple are not showing PDA and/or the relationship between the two is not known.

We still have to share a villa because the resort is where the wedding is. We are in the bridal party, and we need to be here. I can deal with that. There are two bedrooms and plenty of space, so we can keep contact to a minimum. The rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, and the hen do are tomorrow night. The bride adjusted the seating arrangement, so we are not sitting next to each other. The wedding is Friday afternoon. Departure breakfast on Saturday with the newlyweds. Then, home bound. As long as my attention stays on the agenda and remembering why we are here, it should be fairly easy.
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  #54  
Old 04-10-2013, 05:45 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Talking No Monkeying Around

Let it be known. I am NOT one with nature, and I need warnings. I stepped outside. The resort is absolutely breathtaking and peaceful. I wanted to admire it. The Indian Ocean is the backdrop. Who is going to complain about that? I opened the door, and we had a visitor. A monkey. It was just like relaxing on the table. I screamed out, "Sweet baby Jesus." Where did that even come from? Naturally, it caught Si's attention. It broke the ice barrier between, so I will not complain. We laughed until tears started falling. Then, she showed me the note that explains about the monkeys! If only I had seen that two hours ago. I might need to go to bed. I was video chatting my daughter because I was not tired, but after the monkey business, I might need to call it a night. Thursday is off to a funny start. I am afraid to see what else might come out of hiding!
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  #55  
Old 04-10-2013, 06:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
It broke the ice barrier between, so I will not complain. We laughed until tears started falling.
Glad it broke the ice. Sometimes we just need the unexpected. Have a good rest of your trip.
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  #56  
Old 04-10-2013, 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
... after the monkey business, I might need to call it a night.
Well, now we know the origin of THAT phrase!

Glad the "monkey business" helped to release the tension a bit. Hoping all goes well at the wedding, and I'm glad you're enjoying yourself!
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  #57  
Old 04-10-2013, 09:31 PM
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Just think, that monkey is like a little hero of sorts, and he doesn't even know it.

Glad to hear things are a bit more relaxed.
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  #58  
Old 04-10-2013, 09:57 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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A cute little hero in the form of a fur ball. Another one is hanging outside right now. They must like us.

It is much more relaxed. Morning yoga and we are grabbing breakfast together. I am happy to see her smiling. I know the past month has been hard on her. Regardless as to how things are now, I do want her to be happy and stress free. I do still love her to pieces. This trip may be exactly what was needed.
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  #59  
Old 04-10-2013, 10:03 PM
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Sounds pretty hopeful so far.
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  #60  
Old 04-11-2013, 03:23 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default To Be Out or Stay In?

This came about over a discussion an couple of hours ago over dinner. The question posed was if I had it to do all over again, would I out myself as poly? It made me think.

I was always out, but it was only because I never wanted Si to feel left out or awkward. I love her, and she was not my dirty little secret.

It was not well received by my in-laws. My MIL never approved of my girlfriend, blackballed her from family events, and excluded her. She called my ex, Matt's "visible replacement." Si was not met with warmth, and since she was the matriarch, everyone followed suit. My ex was not allowed to attend weddings, reunions, family dinners, holidays, or anything. I felt terrible about it because it was unfair, and it caused my husband to be at war with his family. Matt chose to defend me and my beliefs, and it did not sit well at all. He sacrificed his relationships with his family for me. It took years for them to be rebuilt, and I feel terrible about that. You only get one mother in this life, and he was always close to his mum. I saw how it hurt him to be at odds with her. It was only after all of this drama that I realised just how much it had really hurt him.

My own family was not immediately accepting. My mum was rather disappointed and reiterated that she did not raise me to break my vows and not honour my marriage. It took her awhile, but she embraced my ex like one of her own children. She did not understand it, so it was hard for her to accept. My daddy really had no opinion one way or the other. He still just kind of shrugs it off and just said that she was a nice and respectable lady. I cannot say how he feels about my ex. I do not know. He loves Matt and calls him son. They bond over sports and things.

My ex's family suspected something was up and just asked, but they supported her decision and only wanted her to be happy. There were no issues on that end. Her parents are the third set of grandparents for my children, and they were at the hospital when they were both born. I love them to pieces. MIL #2 loves me. She brought me homemade soup and took care me of the other day. She was not going to take my sickness as a reason for not seeing her grandchildren. We had a nice little chat about Si. She believes we will get back together. Secretly, I hope so. She called her a stubborn mule. (Si is very stubborn.)

If I had to do it again, I would probably not tell. Looking back, it was just not worth some of the heartache and damage it caused. I can be proud, but I would skip the fanfare and tell people only if it came up.

Speaking of Si, we spent most of the day together. It was definitely relaxed. Our friends must have conspired to make sure we had time alone. How convenient is it that we are in one of the most romantic places? I believe they are trying to get us back together. The tension is significantly less. It was nice to talk to her and get a feel for what she has been thinking and feeling. I managed to get an "I miss you" and "I still love you." My bestie has low-key banned me from drinking any alcohol at the reception. Her reason: "You two are not having drunken make-up sex on my tab. Tequila is not going to make your clothes fall off." I love that woman!

Off to get ready for the hen do. Debauchery, shenanigans, and fun times with friends. My kind of night. We cannot be the female version the Hangover, though!
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, from poly to mono, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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