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  #531  
Old 07-08-2013, 10:24 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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As I see it Ry, you have trouble with intimacy. You avoid your husband. You give your gf chunks of time and then it's off to work! To the gym! Teas! Mani pedis! Posting almost daily and in great detail here on the board. Then Beyonce, Disney, nightclubs, it just never stops.

You've got a full time job and a nanny to keep you from spending time with your young children. You don't nurse your baby, you pump your milk and let Nanny give it to him in a bottle.

And you've admitted in the recent past, even when you're with Matt, you used to be on your phone texting and not really present for him.

No sooner had you given birth (after a high risk pregnancy no less) than you were off and running to a dozen countries for symposia or whatever for your career.

It seems like you are constantly running from one person to another to avoid really being present for anyone. And then distracting yourself with spending money in between. Packets of money. Thousands and thousands of pounds, now dollars.

Yes, you are terrible at "polyamory" and you shouldn't do it. Don't see Si, and in fact, I'd recommend you stop with all the fucking texting and emailing too. You've got 2 kids-- babies!-- you've got a long long suffering husband, you've got the demanding career. Take time and really enjoy your man's voice, his sex, his humor. Learn to cuddle. Take time to really enjoy your kids, they grow up so fast.

Let Si go so she can get used to her new home, city, job, country, make new connections, friends, maybe even a new partner who doesn't have a neglected husband breathing down her neck. God, he fucking hates her. Let her be.

You say things were good before the kids came along. It's obvious you can't handle kids AND a marriage, AND another relationship now. So. Stop it.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 07-08-2013 at 10:28 PM.
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  #532  
Old 07-08-2013, 11:20 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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per request:

As I see it Ry, you have trouble with intimacy. You avoid your husband. You give your gf chunks of time and then it's off to work! To the gym! Teas! Mani pedis! Posting almost daily and in great detail here on the board. Then Beyonce, Disney, nightclubs, it just never stops.
It does stop. I keep myself busy, though. I dislike being idle. It is hard for me to not be at work right now. Being at stay at home mother is challenging for me. It is not that I do not love my children and want to spend oodles of time with them. I just desire grown-up interaction and a break from the laundry, the schedules, and the every day. I will never be a woman who can devote her all to home. It is not in me.

I am so conditioned to working or being busy Now, I am finished with school, my fellowship, and I have no idea what to do with myself. It was weird spending a full day with my children. I cannot remember the last time I did that. I had my son, and I was still working on my fellowship from home. The research side of it. It kills me inside to be idle. Relaxing? New for me. I posted on here to vent because DH was usually at work, on call, or distancing himself from me. My fellow Sloanies and friends did not understand my want for poly in my life. It has always been a foreign concept to them. I found something to fill my free time in the form of going out, joining a yoga class, going to concerts, and trying to force myself to relax. I am the only poly person in my group of close friends. Now social acquaintances is different. I would never feel comfortable confiding in them.

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You've got a full time job and a nanny to keep you from spending time with your young children. You don't nurse your baby, you pump your milk and let Nanny give it to him in a bottle.
The nanny is not to stop me from spending time with my children. I never wanted a nanny. I was almost sure I wanted to put my children in nurseries until their paediatrician talked me out of it. We both work full-time, so someone had to watch them while we worked. I was going to put my son in a nursery here until we were told it would be $32k for a one year old. So keeping the nanny it was.

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And you've admitted in the recent past, even when you're with Matt, you used to be on your phone texting and not really present for him.
It was not all the time, though. I was on my laptop, too. Work had to be done. It was not to ignore him and not be present. He never saw the phone on date nights or what was established quality time. Now, if we were watching a movie, there were times when he would be on his iPad or phone, too.

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It seems like you are constantly running from one person to another to avoid really being present for anyone. And then distracting yourself with spending money in between. Packets of money. Thousands and thousands of pounds, now dollars.
I probably do have a spending problem. I am not a heavy drinker. I am not a gambler. I do not smoke, but I do love shoes and handbags. One of the reno requests was for the expansion of the master closet. It was expanded by 140 sq. m. We needed more space. He is still fussing about that. I am now under another shoe ban.

My daughter's party was steeply discounted because my friend owns the company, so while it may have cost 500+ gbp for anyone else, it was a fraction of that because we knew her.

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Yes, you are terrible at "polyamory" and you shouldn't do it. Don't see Si, and in fact, I'd recommend you stop with all the fucking texting and emailing too. You've got 2 kids-- babies!-- you've got a long long suffering husband, you've got the demanding career. Take time and really enjoy your man's voice, his sex, his humor. Learn to cuddle. Take time to really enjoy your kids, they grow up so fast.
I agree with you. I know I have two small children, and they do grow up fast. I have tweaked my career, so it is not nearly as demanding. That is why I have spent three years going a few steps further. I wanted to make sure that I had more time for my children. It was not fair to them to see me an hour or however long per day because ridiculously long hours kept me away. I worked my ass off to make sure that would never be my reality again.

I am enjoying my DH. I love his voice and his accent. Every morning, we spend at least hour together. We do the same thing at night. The first night in the house, we cuddled in front of the fireplace and had a couple of glasses of wine. My phone was upstairs, and I was not worried about. Our children were sleeping peacefully, and we were able to focus on us.

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You say things were good before the kids came along. It's obvious you can't handle kids AND a marriage, AND another relationship now. So. Stop it.
Yes, things were good. Actually great. I was not travelling all the time. I was bound by school and work commitments, so there was no chance for any of this. The first six years of our marriage were highly uneventful, which is why things were great.

I actually do not have the time for another relationship. I am going to be tied up with ballet, playgroups, meetings with the Parent Association, work, and everything else.

Thank you, Mags.
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  #533  
Old 07-09-2013, 12:24 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Sigh... you just defended yourself and made excuses for almost everything I mentioned. Spend more time thinking it over, Ry.

We all know why you have a nanny. That doesn't excuse you from being a mother. Princess Di probably spent more time with her kids than you do.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #534  
Old 07-09-2013, 01:13 AM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Sigh... you just defended yourself and made excuses for almost everything I mentioned. Spend more time thinking it over, Ry.

We all know why you have a nanny. That doesn't excuse you from being a mother. Princess Di probably spent more time with her kids than you do.
Sigh, this is probably in no way constructive. This is a passionate blog with a lot of topics that hit home for folks. But c'mon, why persist?

Last edited by monkeystyle; 07-09-2013 at 02:19 AM.
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  #535  
Old 07-09-2013, 01:36 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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How much time am I supposed to spend with my children? I have no desire to spend every waking hour with them. It is unreasonable to expect me not to want any adult interaction. My husband is at work right now, so who am I supposed to talk to? The 4.5 year old and the 1 year old? We are at home right now, and my daughter is in her room playing--by herself. If she really wanted to be around me or her brother, she could come in here. That is not what she wants right now. I cannot force her to be around me.

Maybe my parenting style is really supposed to be like some of my former neighbours. The ones who shipped their children off to some boarding school in the States from 7-18, saw them on the occasional term break, and pawned them off on the nannies while they soaked up the sun in the Cote d'Azur. Then, they wonder the children are in a psychiatrist's office, why they ran to the nannies over them during Christmas, and why the people who really raised them get more respect than they, as the biological parents, will ever get. That is shirking responsibility and allowing other people to raise your children. I have done nothing of the sort, and I have zero intentions of ever doing that or being a long-distance parent.
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  #536  
Old 07-09-2013, 01:45 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Sigh, this is probably in no way a constructive. This is a passionate blog with a lot of topics that hit home for folks. But c'mon, why persist on the offensive?
Monkey, if you read my long post, you'll see it's prefaced with "per request." Ry PMed me asking for advice.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #537  
Old 07-09-2013, 03:49 AM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Monkey, if you read my long post, you'll see it's prefaced with "per request." Ry PMed me asking for advice.
Okay...well that's interesting advice.
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  #538  
Old 07-09-2013, 11:46 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I cannot be a SAHM. There is only so much play time I can take. I am sure many people could find the silver lining in staying at home all day with their children. I am not one of those people. I have never felt maternal. I love my children, but I am not maternal. I guess that is why it took me six years for my ovaries to twitch. There is only so much cleaning to be done. The laundry was washed, dried, and put up before 12. The floors were spotless. All of the toys were put up and out of the way. My daughter automatically puts her toys up when she is done playing with them. She is a mini version of me. I rarely watch television, and when I did today, wag central aka Made in Chelsea was on. After I lost a few brain cells with MiC, I cooked lunch for the little ones, played with them for awhile, and they went to sleep for two hours. While they were sleep, I started on dinner. To breathe life in to the modern day Stepford wife, I wore an apron, a dress, heels while cooking. I could not greet my DH after a long day at work in shorts, slippers, and a t-shirt. I greeted DH at the door with a warm, "Hello Dear. How was your day?" His cheeky was response was, "Should I be scared?"" Before we had the conversation about how his day was, as a dutiful little wife, I asked if he wanted something to drink? We had a 30 minute conversation about how our respective days were. After that, he went upstairs to take a shower while I set the table for dinner. We had dinner as the perfect little family of four. All we need is a dog and a station wagon to complete this family portrait.

As far as me officially breaking things off with Si, do you know there was no fanfare from DH? He shrugged it off and in not so many words asked what he was supposed to say in response? That is right. After all of the drama, he was indifferent. I was expecting fireworks and him to dance like a character from Fame. His response was dry as Kim Kardashian's snatch in that sex tape with Ray-J. No emotion behind it. I thought he would be happy. This seemed to be what he was fighting for. Maybe I read him wrong. I have no clue how to take his response.

I am going to go spend some time with my DH, so I can be sleep by 11. I am sure tomorrow will be just as exciting as today was.
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  #539  
Old 07-09-2013, 01:10 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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A couple of things. On the parenting thing, there are all different kinds of parents, I understand. Personally, as much as I loved working I loved most when I could take kids with me to work, I took them everywhere with me and didn't work until at least two of the three were in school. I am totally an attachment parent, not because I read the books, just because that's how I work. I love being around for my kids and am a very physically affectionate person that is always holding, cuddling, singing to, and joking with my kids even now as teenagers. My SIL on the other hand, not so 'warm, maternal, cuddly' a mother. She has worked through her pregnancies and the kids growing up. She lets her hubby do more of the one on one stuff with the kids. Is she a worse mother than me? Not at all. You couldn't be a SAHM mom, so what?

I DO think that you need to remember they are kids though, not small adults! What hit me was that you were home with your children and if they wanted you they would come to you. Ummmm, they are both under five. They aren't articulate or self aware enough to leave the barbies and come into the room to say, "Mommy, I would like more time with you." You want adult interaction, trust me so do us SAHMs! Try being IN THE MOMENT when you are with the kids! Instead of assuming if they want you they'd let you know and wondering when you get to go back to adult time. Those tiny moments of sitting down to play with your kids, showing them that on your days or time off you want to do something WITH them, will make a difference! Saying, "Okay, mommy needs some quiet time now." also helps them as they grow up to learn there is a time and a place. Sometimes that time and place is not now and everyone needs time to themselves.

Now, to the break up with Si. Wow, just wow. Why are you doing this? Is it really because you want to work on your marriage and realize you have boundary issues with another relationship? You sounded, just, bitter, that Matt wasn't jumping for joy? Your post read like, "Hey! I just did what you wanted! I know I've said I would before but I mean it this time! So where is my positive reinforcement? Where is my praise for the sacrifice I am making for you? Why aren't you being appreciative?"

Words have power and the whole dry as someone's snatch was harsh. I don't like any kardashian's but DAMN!

As someone who entered poly the wrong way, when I finally realized what an asshat I was with certain boundaries, I made the changes but not for praise and I sure as hell didn't get fireworks or dancing. I got incredulous or wary looks. Actions speak louder than words and he was waiting for actions, long term ones that showed real change, not just me saying what he'd been waiting months or years to hear.
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  #540  
Old 07-09-2013, 02:47 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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A couple of things. On the parenting thing, there are all different kinds of parents, I understand. Personally, as much as I loved working I loved most when I could take kids with me to work, I took them everywhere with me and didn't work until at least two of the three were in school. I am totally an attachment parent, not because I read the books, just because that's how I work. I love being around for my kids and am a very physically affectionate person that is always holding, cuddling, singing to, and joking with my kids even now as teenagers. My SIL on the other hand, not so 'warm, maternal, cuddly' a mother. She has worked through her pregnancies and the kids growing up. She lets her hubby do more of the one on one stuff with the kids. Is she a worse mother than me? Not at all. You couldn't be a SAHM mom, so what?
I am not that attached. I can be warm but maternal I am not. My DH is different. He is more attached, attentive, more affectionate, more in to the one-on-one bonding thing, and he engages in the conversations about Barbies, has tea parties with her, and relates to her on a level that I have never been able to. I know Matt is closer to her than I am. It is not for lack of trying. I feel like I am forcing what should come naturally. I feel like my maternal wiring is cut. It saddens me to watch them interacting because I do not have that with her. The crazy part is my daughter is very affectionate. She came up to me yesterday and just gave me a hug. She asked me, "Are you okay?" She kisses me on the cheek all the time, but contact is almost always initiated by her. I am working on strengthening my bond with her.

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I DO think that you need to remember they are kids though, not small adults! What hit me was that you were home with your children and if they wanted you they would come to you. Ummmm, they are both under five. They aren't articulate or self aware enough to leave the barbies and come into the room to say, "Mommy, I would like more time with you." You want adult interaction, trust me so do us SAHMs! Try being IN THE MOMENT when you are with the kids! Instead of assuming if they want you they'd let you know and wondering when you get to go back to adult time. Those tiny moments of sitting down to play with your kids, showing them that on your days or time off you want to do something WITH them, will make a difference! Saying, "Okay, mommy needs some quiet time now." also helps them as they grow up to learn there is a time and a place. Sometimes that time and place is not now and everyone needs time to themselves.
My son was under me most of the day. He does not require much. He likes attention, so cuddling with me made him happy. In the past, I have tried being in the moment with her, and it was exceedingly hard for me. I felt bad about it, but I struggled to get in to it with her. I am still trying to find ways to spend time with her and bond with her. It is not coming easily. So far, we have a few activities that we can do together. She asks me to read with her all the time, and I happily oblige. She is not really in to video games, but she does like playing on the Wii from time to time, so I will play with her on that. I am competitive, so I have to tone it down. She likes shopping, so we bond over that. She is more artistically inclined, so I will paint with her. This is a learning experience for me.

Our therapist suggested that I take longer than two weeks off of work and spend my days with my children and get to know them intimately and not in passing, bond with them, and spend time with them. Time I have never had before due to my career. With an inactive career, mummy's schedule will open op. Her suggestion was at least 1-3 months. I almost screamed, and I did cry when I got home. DH believes I need to take some time off. Not just for them but also for myself. He thinks I work too hard. Her strong suggestion was the three months because my daughter's first term begins on 16th July, and it does not end until 20th September and the next term resumes on 7th October, which is when she believes I should return to work. Her rationale is that with all of the changes, she is going to need a stable support system and going to school will be a huge adjustment and will mean more changes. I hate to admit it, but she is probably right. I am not confident in my abilities to do this until October.

Quote:
Now, to the break up with Si. Wow, just wow. Why are you doing this? Is it really because you want to work on your marriage and realize you have boundary issues with another relationship? You sounded, just, bitter, that Matt wasn't jumping for joy? Your post read like, "Hey! I just did what you wanted! I know I've said I would before but I mean it this time! So where is my positive reinforcement? Where is my praise for the sacrifice I am making for you? Why aren't you being appreciative?"
There will always be boundary issues. With Matt's list of stipulations, I would have no doubt stepped on at least one boundary per day. Unintentionally, but it was still a possibility. Who wants to deal with all the ins and outs in inadvertently stepping on boundaries? I simply do not see a healthy dynamic forming and to cling to that belief is foolish, IMHO. It was unhealthy for everyone involved, so I let her go. I also let go of that faith that it could ever be. I am not bitter. It is what it is. No sense in crying over spilled milk. I caused this, so I have no one to blame but myself. Like I tell my daughter, "Bad behaviour does not get rewarded." I am teaching myself a lesson. I will never be able to change if I do not get rid of strongholds and things that tempt me. Self-control is something I have to learn. It has nothing to do with him. He was surprised to learn that I had pulled the plug on any and all poly related sessions. I did not consult with him before making these two decisions. So no. I was not seeking praise.

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Words have power and the whole dry as someone's snatch was harsh. I don't like any kardashian's but DAMN!
Words do have power.

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As someone who entered poly the wrong way, when I finally realized what an asshat I was with certain boundaries, I made the changes but not for praise and I sure as hell didn't get fireworks or dancing. I got incredulous or wary looks. Actions speak louder than words and he was waiting for actions, long term ones that showed real change, not just me saying what he'd been waiting months or years to hear.
Well, I have no other interests that require much of my attention now, so I have no choice but to change for the better. I have all the time in the world to work on myself. Especially if I take a three month break. I can give all of my attention and effort to fixing our marriage and working on myself.
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