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  #501  
Old 06-30-2013, 01:46 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
As for Si, maybe she is an independent type and doesn't need as much connection per week? I am just guessing. If she is only bowing to Matt's requirements out of guilt, that wouldn't be such a good thing.
She is independent for the most part, but even the most independent person would ideally have qualms about such an arrangement. It seems like the said "primary" is dictating the secondary relationship, and I think that is what I keep going back to.
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  #502  
Old 06-30-2013, 07:11 PM
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She will definitely have to be a secondary, and beholden to what the primary says. Only she can decide if she can live with that. And, she is free to date other people, even if she chooses not to be.

As for Matt, I think he stays with you because he values all the good times you two have had in the past, and has faith in the future. His faith may have taken some dings, but it is still there.
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Old 06-30-2013, 08:07 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Well, it has been an amazing last weekend in the UK. We are heading for the airport in a bit. We decided to fly privately because it is an incredibly long trip, and we need to be comfortable.

I am bursting at the seams with happiness and joy. This weekend has been spectacular. I guess I will start with Friday. Our daughter had her going away sleepover. It was wild with that many children. They were well-mannered and well-behaved. Once they were in bed, I had Matt helping me put gift bags together. I made memory books for each girl. They are her ballet buddies, and they have all aged up together, so it took a while, but we got it done. We watched a movie, cuddled, and went to bed after that.

On Saturday, we cooked breakfast for the girls, and my friend's staff came by to set up for their spa day. It lasted about 2.5 hours. Manis/pedis, facials, hairstyling, and arm/leg massages. They even had pink "champagne." It was really Sprite with pink food colouring in the cutest glasses. They also got to keep the robes. I could not thank her and her staff enough for all of their hard work. The girls enjoyed themselves tremendously.

After that, we took the girls shopping, so that they could get clothes for their fashion show/photo shoot. In true VIP style, they arranged for a pink limo to pick them up. Shopping with the girls was a blast. I believe every little girl should feel beautiful. Once we finished shopping, it was time to eat. The girls chose Giraffe, which is a really good restaurant. We let them order for themselves. When lunch was done, we were taken around London. They were listening to music, taking pictures, and talking. We made it back home around 2. The parents watched the fashion show and shoot. After that, it was time for them to say good-bye and give them the gift bags. I had the most interesting conversation with my princess before her nap. I am glad that she got to say good-bye to her friends. It seems small, but it meant the world to her. All of the parents are in agreement to let them talk via Skype, send letters, and even visit during holidays. A great group of parents and girls all around, so I would say it was a raving success.

We had to get ready for the grown-up going away soiree. We were not told any details other than an address and the attire. We were under the impression it was just a dinner. It was about 45 minutes outside of London. When we pulled up, it was little more than that. My parents hired a marquee. It was lit up like a Christmas tree. The marquee was beautifully designed and lit up in hues of blues and purples. My mum knows I prefer clean and elegant looks, so the chosen floral arrangements were white orchids and roses. The DJ was one of our closest friends.There was so much food. We had a formal five course sit down dinner, followed by dancing, and a huge fireworks show at midnight.

There were hundreds of people at our party. Every one from Si's parents to former co-workers to professors to relatives to friends from all stages of our lives. I have never hugged so many people in my life. We loved all of the speeches, and it warmed our hearts to know that we will be missed. The best speech was from my daddy. He told me how proud he was to be my father and how proud of me he was. That meant the world to me. I was always one of those people who wanted to make their parents proud, and now that I know I have, it makes me feel all the more secure and confident in the decision to move. Matt's speech made everyone laugh. I made everyone cry.

My mum and dad treated the guests to ice cream, a candy bar, candy floss, and at the end, mini sliders, fries, and milkshakes for the guests to take home. When the fireworks were going off, "Forever Young," by Jay-Z featuring Mr. Hudson was the last song that played. We were surrounded by our closest friends and family members. Tears were flowing. Champagne corks were being popped. We were singing. Those moments were emotionally charged and unforgettable.

Every person there has helped me and/or us on our journeys. Admittedly, I was overindulged and spoiled rotten. Matt said last night, "i had a five year plan to rid Ry of her spoiled nature, and I broke her." I am no longer the epitome of a baby who was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. I am an independent woman, and I can stand on my own two feet. I have matured from a girl to a young a woman to a grown woman. I am no longer that bright-eyed student with a list of dreams and goals. I can now be a teacher because I have accomplished those dreams and goals. I am no longer that love-crazy teenager. I am a married woman, who is devoted to my husband and bravely venturing into the unknown with him.

Matt and I left after the fireworks. The party was still in full swing and continued until after sunrise. We decided to spend our last night in our home alone. Our children stayed with my parents. We chose to do this because our home is where it all began. This is the first home we bought together. This is the first home our children lived in. This is the place where we created some of the happiest memories in our lives. We reminisced, talked about the future, and enjoyed the entire night. It was easily one of the best nights in our marriage. We established intimacy and not just in a physical way. We remembered the way it was when we first fell in love. Free, beautiful, and just open. No expectations. No promises. Just love. I felt like that again last night. When he kissed me, he took away my breath. I felt his love inside of me and surrounding me. I fell asleep in his arms, and at that moment, there was nowhere else I wanted to be.

We woke up this morning, had a cosy breakfast for two, and my parents brought our children home. By then, it was time to set up for our son's first birthday party. My baby turned one today. He is growing so fast, and the best job I have ever had in my life has been motherhood. The love I feel for my children is unlike any love I have ever known. His party was relaxed and just really fun. It only felt right to have his first birthday at home.

We stayed at home all day. Everything has been shipped or is already there in storage with the removals agency. We were left with a few personal items which we are taking with us tonight. Our home has been cleaned, and it is time to do one last walk through and leave for the airport. I am going to try not to cry.

I hope everyone has an amazing week. With 18.5 hours of flying, 9 time zones, sleeping off the jet-lag, and moving in, I will not have much time to be on here.

Off to begin a whole new book in this life.
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  #504  
Old 06-30-2013, 09:46 PM
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Best wishes to you in your new chapter in life.
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  #505  
Old 07-01-2013, 12:38 AM
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Sounds like a beautiful night. Best wishes for the next chapter in your story.
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  #506  
Old 07-04-2013, 10:06 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Talking Ch-ch-changes

Good morning!

I am still not quite acclimated to the time difference, yet. In my corner of the world, it is Friday morning. I am still trying to wrap my brain around that. My brain is still thinking I should be on BST.

The past few days have been nothing shy of perfect. We arrived in the small hours of Tuesday morning. It was about 2 AM. After travelling for over 18 hours, my only concern was everyone getting to the nearest bed. Fortunately, our children were sleep, and they stayed sleep until much later that morning. We checked into a suite for the night. I was not sleepy, but I was tired. When I finally did get to sleep, I managed to get a full night's rest and wake up fresh on the local time.

I dislike putting things off until the last minute, so I had a list of things to-do the first day. Number one on the list was moving in. Before we did that, we changed our licences over and registered our vehicles. We are already citizens. Matt by birth and me by application and subsequent ceremony. I am glad that was out of the way and done prior to moving.

It was a long process to move in. When we finally finished, it was late. Matt and I turned on the fireplace and poured a couple of glasses of wine. It is winter here, so the fire was a perfect touch. We both let out sighs of relief. It was quiet because everyone else was sleep. We cuddled. Sometimes words are not necessary. I left him downstairs, and I took the most relaxing bubble bath. We had a peaceful night of sleep. We woke up the following morning and watched the sunrise over the CBD from our terrace. We spent all of Wednesday with our children.

Yesterday was an interesting day. My mum-in-law called to see if I wanted to spend the day with her. It was a shock to my system, but I said, "Absolutely." Matt said that he had our children. He had made plans for them. My MIL and I got manis/pedis after I had breakfast with Matt and our children. After that, we enjoyed a nine-course teppanyaki lunch. We went antique shopping and found some really good deals. The rest of our time together was spent at high tea. We talked about the obvious elephant in the room. She apologised again for how she treated me in the past. I cannot say that I would not react the same if I knew someone was hurting my child. She admitted that recently she has researched polyamoury, read books on it, but it is still not something she can understand. That surprised me because I would have guessed that she was still being close minded and judgemental. It means a lot to me that she even did that much. I was honest with her and told her that I might get back in a relationship with her. Instead of taking the opportunity to rip me to shreds, she made a unique request. She wants to have lunch with me...and Si. She wants to talk to Si and give her a fighting chance. Could an apology be on the horizon? That would be an unexpected turn of events. Si has agreed to it, so we are doing it today on her lunch break. I hope there are no fireworks. Matt is the appointed fire extinguisher, so if it seems like the temperature is rising, he has agreed to put it out. I heard Matt ask her, "Are you going to behave?" She promised to leave the claws in and not attack.

I have seen Si this week. She came by Tuesday during her lunch break. We also worked out together yesterday morning. She has been working, so e-mail has been our best way of communicating. She is really enjoying her new job, new home, and the city as a whole. I am happy for her. So far there have been no issues with me seeing her. Namely because it is not infringing on our time as a family or our marriage. That seems to be key. Granted, we have not started our new jobs, yet, so we are spending way more time together. Matt starts on the 8th, and I start on the 15th. Our daughter starts school on the 16th. Working out with Si went unnoticed because every one in the house was sleep when I left and returned. I told Matt that I was with her. He was sleep, so it was not a big deal. I probably could have skipped out on telling him, but I am keeping up with our full disclosure agreement. He shrugged it off, and we continued with our morning. We even had a date that night. Dinner, a movie, and a venture to the casino. I even won $A1083. I decided not to keep it. I am donating it to the care fund for a local three year old, who is in remission. It is not much, but I hope it helps her and her family. I would love to donate more anonymously.

We have marital counselling later on this afternoon. It will be our first face-to-face session with her since we moved and since the initial meeting. I am looking forward to it. We did not have the poly related session this week. She asked if we could come in later, so the session could be extended to include the poly aspect. We mutually agreed, so as of this moment, it is happening. 120 minutes of counselling. We have a [reconnection] date after counselling. He made the plans, so I am not really sure what he has up his sleeve.

I hope the lunch with my MIL and Si goes well. I am praying that it is peaceful and relaxed. The past few days have been really wonderful. Please let it stay this way.

I am off to help with breakfast, squeeze a yoga/Pilates session in, and spend some one-on-one time with Matt. I hope everyone in the States is enjoying their holiday. Happy Independence Day!
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  #507  
Old 07-05-2013, 08:30 PM
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Glad to hear things have gone well with moving in so far. That is quite a surprise that MIL is willing to meet up with Si.
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  #508  
Old 07-06-2013, 02:27 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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The lunch with my mum-in-law was uncomfortable. The tension was at an insurmountable high. My MIL is inquisitive and in her quest to understand poly and this situation in my life, she has been asking questions. She has talked to me. She has talked to Matt. She wanted to hear the other person's story. If one does not know her style, they will get offended. It is never her intent. Her delivery is raw, and she does not believe in biting her tongue. She is a bit much to handle. In not so many words, she asked Si what she could possibly get out of being third or fourth on the list of priorities? She asked her why she would settle for a fraction of a relationship with me? She asked what motivated her to try and be Matt's replacement? She also explained why she affectionately called her his visible replacement. She asked what she was thinking when she tried to play the role of a mother? She asked what gave her the right to change plans that had been in motion for months? She asked all the questions that had been burning her mind. Si had questions for her, too, and my MIL did not hold back. The only positive is that it ended after an hour. I do not see a healthy bond ever forming between the two of them.

I talked to Si about how the conversation with my MIL made her feel, and she said it hurt to listen to her responses. She said she felt even worse about how she conducted herself and treated Matt. I could tell the conversation was still weighing on her mind. She said that she was not surprised by anything she said, but it made her face herself and just what she had done. We also talked about why she agreed to Matt's terms. I respect her reasons. 1) She is independent and does not have to have someone there all the time. 2) She realises and accepts that things will have to change because the way that we were conducting our relationship ended up causing damage. 3) She does not feel like she would be in the right to impose her wants upon Matt, when she is partially to blame for how things are now. 4) She is determined not to trample all over his limitations again, and she believes his stipulations will keep her in line. There is no room for her to mess up, so for her, his stipulations are like a safety net. Si accepts that things would have to be different in order to work effectively. The only thing she was on the fence about was with not being out. As previously stated, Matt refuses to be out, and I am not fighting him on that. I tend to agree with him for a different set of reasons than his own. Is it like putting the genie back in the bottle? I suppose, but I am agreement to stay closeted. When we came out the first time, it hurt him more than it did for us. There was no positive in it for him.

DH and I had counselling on Friday evening. 75 minutes for couples counselling and then 45 minutes geared solely towards poly. We have definitely made progress in our marriage. Now the poly side...not so much. He is still uncomfortable with the idea. He does not trust my judgement or my ability to balance relationships with him and her.

Things are not exactly peachy keen right now. My DH is rather irritated with me. Matt, my mum-in-law, our children, and Nanny J spent the day at an amusement/leisure park, went to a drive-in cinema to see Despicable Me 2, and had dinner. Meanwhile, I was with my ex. The whole day. Well, from about 8:30 this morning to a little after 9. We had a heated debate. He is not here right now. He decided to go out--without me. I knew he was irritated, so I decided to give him space. Less than 24 hours prior, he had already said that I lacked the ability to balance my family life and a relationship with her. He was right.

I knew about these plans before we even moved, and honestly, I do wish I had been with them. I missed a hell of a day. Everything from boxing kangaroos to my little duckies feeding the animals to basic bonding with my family. I believe one of his problems with yesterday could be that at no point did I even offer to join them. I think I might have treated him like I have the past few years. Spending the whole day with her and texting him sporadically throughout the day. At one point, the texting just stopped. I guess he was tired of having a one-sided conversation with me. The sad part of it all is that we were not that busy. I just got all wrapped up in her and basically left him out in the cold. (Again.) Honestly, I could have met them at the drive-in or even for dinner, but I elected not to because I was with her. In his mind, the same thing is happening again. All it takes is one time to start a pattern. If yesterday would have been a test, I would have failed. I have not said anything to Si about this because it was my choice, and the last thing I want is to make her feel bad for wanting to see a familiar face or wanting to spend time with me. This has nothing to do with her. She was not holding me hostage.

All I can do now is give him space and let him come to me when he deems it necessary.
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Old 07-06-2013, 06:37 PM
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Sorry to hear about the setback. It seems to me that Matt is determined in his mind that your relationship with Si should not appear on his radar. That only works if your time with Si is limited to when Matt is at work, essentially. It seems to me like that is a difficult proposition, but Matt is indifferent if it is, and if it means you and Si never get to see each other well that's fine with Matt. I don't know if any of that will change in the future, but probably not for a long time if ever.
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Old 07-06-2013, 07:35 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Sorry to hear about the setback. It seems to me that Matt is determined in his mind that your relationship with Si should not appear on his radar. That only works if your time with Si is limited to when Matt is at work, essentially. It seems to me like that is a difficult proposition, but Matt is indifferent if it is, and if it means you and Si never get to see each other well that's fine with Matt. I don't know if any of that will change in the future, but probably not for a long time if ever.
Ding ding ding. I can almost say with certainty that it will never change. It has been weeks shy of five months, and he has not budged. I am not expecting him to. I am not even pushing for poly to be part of our lives. We are not even back together, and I already see where it is causing rifts. That alone tells me that we are nowhere near the point of even discussing it being a reality. When he came strolling in about an hour ago, he was not in the mood to talk. I tried to talk to him. All he said was, "Same stuff. Different continent. Need I say more? Can I go to bed now?" Glad to know that is how he feels.
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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