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  #471  
Old 06-09-2013, 10:31 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Sounds like you'll have a lot to think about before resuming anything with your ex (if you do resume anything). Glad to hear your trip went so well.
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  #472  
Old 06-11-2013, 07:23 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default So happy for you.

While I know that you have a lot of work and thinking to do, I still think that there are a lot of really, really positive things happening here. I am thrilled to hear that you two are having open, honest communication, and think that it's pretty cool that your MIL and you had such an open dialogue. It sounds like there is real room for forgiveness and growth here, and that is something very unique and special. Your love that you share must be incredible, and I am so glad that I get to read about your connection here on-line.

I can see how you need to take things slow, and think that it's kind of amazing that talking about poly is even back on the table at this point; Matt has a solid capacity to make room for your needs, even if it is more on his terms.

Wishing you luck and strength, and thanking you for sharing your journey.
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  #473  
Old 06-11-2013, 09:08 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Happy Tuesday...

Today was a pretty good day. My MIL called me. I have been married to Matt since 2002, and she has never called me. After our little chat before we left, she now makes a special point to call me every day. Now, that I am getting to know her, she is not that bad. My beliefs clashed terribly with hers, and they still do. After 11 years, I am no longer just that silly little twit. In all seriousness, I have a new dynamic to consider when making a final decision.

My MIL may not have been able to stand me, but I know she loves my children and would never say anything ill about me in front of them. She stores it in her memory bank and says it directly to me. For the longest, I was that Silly Little Ungrateful Twit. Notice what the acronym spells: S.L.U.T. The only reason she likes me now is because my ex is out of the picture, and she thinks I am finally learning how to treat Matt right. She made no secret that she is hoping and wishing that it is permanent. (The woman sent me a massive floral arrangement the day after my relationship ended. That says it all.)

I am happy that she and I finally talked. I forgave her a long time ago. I have no ill feelings against her. She is who she is, and she owns it. I hope that we can continue getting closer and building a proper relationship. One that is not laced with poison and slowly killing both of us.

All those years of Matt being in between the two women he loved took one hell of a toll. I felt and still do actually feel bad that he sided with me. Matt is very faith and religiously bound, so he firmly believes in honouring thy mother and father. Where it caused a problem was leaving one's mother and clinging to the wife. He did that. He never talks about it, but as close as he was to his mother, losing her all that time was probably like a slow, painful death. There was no communication. I appreciate him defending me and doing that, but I would not want to put him through that again. Realistically, if I tell her that I am back with my ex or any variation of that, I have already read ahead and know what the next chapters will cover.

There is a new chapter that remains unwritten: children. I did not have a relationship with my maternal grandfather until he was on his death bed. He had been given mere months to live, and I only forged a relationship with him because I worked at the hospital. He succumbed to a lethal combination of throat and lung cancer days after my birthday, and the worst part of all is I was pregnant with my daughter. She never got to meet him. As long as their grandparents are alive and well, I am not going to do anything to stop them from having relationships with them.

My daughter loves her grandmother. She was clinging to her like cling film on a wet cantaloupe. She talks to her every day, and Matt usually lets her video chat with her, too. Despite the distance, she knew who she was. She has made no secret of her disapproval and utter dislike of how I was living my life. I have read it on here time and time again. "If your family/loved ones have a problem with how you are living your life, or if they choose to remove themselves from your life, the problem is with them." Am I supposed to tell my child, "No more going around Grandma Lia because she does not like how mummy lives?" I have to take that in to consideration. My child is not going to lose someone she loves because of my choices, and I do not want Matt to lose his relationship with her again. I have my mother, and I am sure he wanted to have his, too. Sad to think that my choices got in the way of that.

Things with Matt are going well. We are talking more. He is actually opening up to me and letting me into some of his innermost thoughts. It is a constant work in progress. We are getting back to our old relationship style of discussing and not arguing. For the past three months, we have done some arguing. Now, we talk things out with cool heads and sometimes just agree to disagree or reconvene at a later time, if it is a minor thing.

Outside of the poly/marriage thing, we are preparing to move. Last couple of weeks here. Our shipments are already there and in quarantine. That weeks 2-3 weeks, so by the time we get there, we will be able to move in. We have a removals agency helping to facilitate the processes, so it has reduced the stress significantly. Our house is pretty much done. They were adding the final touches. 13 months of renovations. It looks like a completely different house. My advice to anyone renovating: hire a project management team, stay in contact, ask for weekly updates, ask for references, and make sure you can deal with the people. In the 13 months we have been doing this, we have had zero problems. They sent e-mails and called if there was any difference in prices originally forecasted. One day it was maybe $50 AUD difference, and they called to make sure it was okay. If it was 500 or 5k, I would care. We are under budget and ahead of schedule. The team said, it was going to take about 12.5 months. They left a bit of a cushion for weather issues, shipment delays, and any issues. I am just happy it is almost done, and I am even more that we will have help unpacking and moving in. One less thing for us to have to worry about.

I actually was with Si for awhile tonight. I was helping her pack and figure out what to donate to charity and give away. She is giving away everything but personal items. In her case, it is more cost effective to buy everything there. For us, it was more cost effective to hire an int'l removals agency and do it that way. We had enough on our plates.

Poly is not back on the table. If it is, it might be at .00001%. It is slim. It is 200% on his terms. His extended generosity and level of comfort equates to about 8 hrs/week with my ex, and that 8 hour span is when he will be working overnight. I actually sent the list to someone else, and right off, they noticed that logistically, it makes sense and is reasonable, due to all the circumstances. Emotionally, it is lower than a secondary and tertiary. He asked me if it was possible that Matt was giving me a test because if so, it is a guaranteed way for me to fail.

I am not even mad at the list. This is some of the things. It was asked what he would need to consider it or be comfortable. He needs her out of sight and out of his mind. I phrased it like a woman's biological clock. She is that noisy little reminder that monogamy is not possible. If their lives never intersect outside of a controlled environment, guess what? That clock is damn near silenced. In other words, the two lives cannot and will not cross unless it is discussed and mutually agreed upon. He does not want to be out after we move. He does not want our children exposed to poly. No PDA in front of our daughter. He is only comfortable with one overnight. He wants her to stay out of parenting. He has no problem with her coming over, but she must call or text before. He wants one hour with me after our children go to bed and before I leave for this overnight, and one hour of uninterrupted time with me the following morning. He wants weekly check-ins via Tango, Skype, in person, e-mail, and schedule exchanges. He does not want any more last minute arrangements. If it must be last minute, no less than 72 hours notice. With family holiday plans, it must be discussed. No more asking if she can come along in the eleventh hour. He insists on protected sex. The list goes on. When I read the complete list back to him, the first question in my mind was, is it even worth it? What are the consequences if any of these boundaries are stepped over accidentally? I need to ask him that. It literally just crossed my mind.

I am proud of the progress we have. I am glad we are in a healthier place and healing little by little. Our love is definitely stronger. We have an excellent therapist on our team. She challenges us on an intellectual level and makes us do much more than just scratch the surface and get by with mediocrity. Life is cool right now. We are enjoying the last couple of weeks here and looking forward to the future. Things are actually peaceful. As peaceful as having two small children allows.

I am off to make a frozen yoghurt run. It is barely 10 and everything in here is sleeping peacefully. Snog is calling my name.

TL;DR: I stand to lose more than I could ever possibly gain, if I attempt poly again. My reality, huh?

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 06-11-2013 at 09:37 PM.
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  #474  
Old 06-11-2013, 10:15 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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I think I missed something along the way, Where is Si moving?
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  #475  
Old 06-12-2013, 03:30 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Yeah, her own apartment elsewhere or the apartment in your house she helped design and pay for?
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  #476  
Old 06-12-2013, 06:00 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Yeah, her own apartment elsewhere or the apartment in your house she helped design and pay for?
Elsewhere. We reimbursed her. Living in the same place with issues still present was a recipe for disaster. It was not going to work. We are just friends, so there was no concern on that issue. The issue at hand was that he would not be able to stop her from being around our children, if she was in close proximity. If she lives elsewhere, he can and will control it. He is doing it now. The last time she talked to them was last Tuesday. The last time she physically saw them? It has been weeks.
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  #477  
Old 06-12-2013, 06:35 PM
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Maybe Nanny J gets that apartment now? Or maybe you'll save it for guests, I'm sure you've already got a nanny flat set up as well.
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Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, 36), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
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  #478  
Old 06-13-2013, 03:37 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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We have implemented the minimum daily one hour every morning and one hour every night block of quality time. This morning we went to Starbucks and just talked. No children around. Our phones were set to vibrate. We never touched them. We were focused on each other. I see why he wants this. It may just seem like two hours of guaranteed time, but over the course of a week, that is 14 hours of QT with one another that we did not have before. It was nice to not have a conversation about our children. It was nice to talk about what is on the agenda for our work days, what we did last night, date night plans, and the plans for the weekend.

It actually started last night. He went out with some of his colleagues and friends, and we just talked and enjoyed having uninterrupted QT. I missed him while he was gone, but he was texting me. It was flirty and sweet. Before, I could not even get a return time. He knows how I feel about not hearing from him. He is much better on that front. He returned home at a decent time. No 4 AM benders or anything. He came in around 12. He brought Haagan Dazs. We talked over ice cream, enjoyed a steam shower, and then a real shower. Sexy time with a pulsating hydro-massage and a Scottish shower? I felt all of my muscles loosening up.

Our new closeness has renewed an intense passion in our intimate life. He knows that I am still not 100% comfortable with my post-pregnancy body. I feel like I need to lose more, but he thinks I am sexy just the way I am. This morning he insisted on admiring my body from head to toe, in front of a full length mirror. He was behind me and kissing my neck. He told me the things he loves about me and my body. Complete with subsequent kissing and touching. My mind and how my intelligence intrigues him and turns him on. My hair and how I flip it over my shoulder with an attitude. The colour of my eyes and how I stare at him and look through his soul. The shape and softness of my lips. He loves kissing me. My smile because he loves knowing that he is doing him right and keeping a smile on my face. It was a confidence boost. He even kissed my C-section scar. He said there is no way he could ever thank me properly for bringing our children into the world. He also said that when I was pregnant, I was the sexiest woman alive because I was carrying his children. The entire exchange made me blush. It was a prelude to lovemaking. He whispered against my lips, "Tell me what you want." I guess he wanted to see how bold I could be. I am loving every moment. I finally feel like we have a healthy and more stable marriage.

I love that he is opening up to me without me prompting him. I let him talk and get all of his thoughts and feelings out. I never interrupt. My listening has improved. To make sure I hear him correctly, I repeat back whatever he said, or I ask him a question with some part of his question phrased in it. Our communication is much stronger. We talk to and not at each other. Eye contact is something I am doing now. Whereas before, I might have been looking down or working on something, while having a conversation. I know now that when he asks if I have a minute that I need to temporarily shut down whatever I am doing and give him my undivided attention.

I have to be honest. I do not see where a healthy or ethical V with Si is possible. I have come to several realisations. Yes, I am poly, but I am getting used to the fact that I may not be able to embrace that side of me. Before it is even suggested, I am not leaving my husband. That side of me is not that important. It is not a need. It is like a bisexual person, who marries a man/woman and opts not to have an open relationship. There is no rule that says they will cheat or want to be both at the same time. That is how I am. I am poly, but I do not have to act on it to maintain that. No different than a person still being mono/poly despite being single. Before I basically leave my husband for another person, things would have to be bad. I have no complaints. I am happy. All of my needs are being met. I am still in love with my husband and breaking apart our family to achieve something that is not a need would be utterly foolish. Yes, we have different beliefs, but it is not worth hurting our children and hurting each other. Enough pain has been caused over the past five years. I want to continue moving towards a better future with healing. I am not trying to inflict even more pain. We are still trying to recover from all that happened. No matter what, divorce is not easy, and it takes awhile to get over it. Some people never do. We also have two small children to consider. We owe it to them to give our marriage all we have and then some. They did not ask to be here. They did not ask to be part of an unstable marriage or dysfunctional relationships.

I am not pushing the poly issue with Matt. It makes me come off as lacking empathy for everything he is feeling and everything I have put him through. I almost lost my husband because of MY decisions, so obviously I need to check myself before I wreck any more lives or wreak any more havoc. I am not equipped to handle two relationships right now. My husband is not ready for it, and I would be a damn fool to push him into accepting something I know he wants no part of. If it happens again, it happens. If not, it is not the end of the world, and I will not shrivel up and die because of my mono situation. Miserable is not even on the list of ways I would describe my life right now.

I have talked to Si about all of this. She understands and has no or lowered expectations. I am glad that she is still in my life as a friend. I value our friendship. Of course I still love her, but right now, I cannot worry about what I want; a relationship with her. My husband needs me to be around more than I was. My family needs me present. I need to not live by a schedule. I need time to work on my marriage, build relationship skills, and work on myself. Needs are more important than wants any day. I do not know what the future holds with her on a romantic level, but I now have no expectations, so I have no chance for disappointment to set in. I am enjoying what we have and working from that angle.

As far as our children, after we talked this morning, he is willing to loosen up some of the reigns and actually let her see them. He is still adamant that she not be involved in parenting and maintains the role of a loving relative, but if she can prove that she will not hurt them and will not flake on them, he is willing to reconsider some of the boundaries regarding her being able to spend time with them. He extended an invite to our daughter's recital tomorrow night. He was on the fence about dinner, and since I can be biased, he is going to ask our daughter if she wants her to join us for dinner.

Progress is slowly being made. He admitted that he needed a break from her and time to process their conversation from last month. He has had the chance to, so they are on speaking terms now. I want him to do whatever makes him comfortable.

I am off to go read a few threads while I have some free time. I am good spirits today. Let's hope it stays that way. Date night tonight.
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  #479  
Old 06-13-2013, 11:57 PM
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Sounds good to me. One nice thing that might come out of this is Matt and Si might improve their communication skills with each other. But you're right, polyamory isn't something that *has* to happen. There is poly in the world, and you understand that it is a good thing. That suffices. You have your own life, and it is clearly a very good life. No need to play Russian Roulette with it.

It's great to hear that relationships are going so much better for you guys all around. My best wishes go with you, always.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #480  
Old 06-16-2013, 04:46 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Good morning and Happy Father's Day!

It has been an epic weekend. Thursday night, DH and I went out to dinner for our date night. In a chance encounter, we met three of the members from Slipknot. They even took pictures with us. Minus the masks. They were really cool. You often hear of celebrities--namely musicians--sometimes being douchebags. No complaints, though.

I am attending the Download Fest, which has featured the likes of Korn, Slipknot, 3 Doors Down, 30 Seconds to Mars, and so many other metal artists. Matt opted not to attend, as this is not his scene. Instead, I am here with Si and a group of our friends. Matt and our children attended the Trooping the Colour. My daughter said she enjoyed it. I was happy to hear that.

Outside of the amazingness of being around heavy metal, diehard fans, and great music, things are pretty wonderful. Matt and I had another session with our Dr. L. on Friday. It is only our second session, but I do see progress. She has a way of pulling information and feelings out and challenging us to explore the depths of every feeling. It feels like we are having a conversation with a trusted friend. She makes us dig deep and full disclosure is the only option. The first day we met her, she told us, "I like roots. When you know where something begins, you know where to start." I love that she makes us think and wonder beyond the scope of each session. She had a list of notes from last week, and it was things that she wants to work with us on. She has picked up on certain weaknesses, and she wants to help strengthen certain aspects of our marriage. She has a way of relating to us. I have never had a counselling session via Skype conference, but for an hour and a half, Matt and Dr. L. had my attention. I hope that we can continue to grow.

She has actually suggested that we have two sessions a week. One strictly focusing on our marriage, and one focusing solely on the poly side. We have talked about it, and we are not opposed. What I feared happening was that, we would spend the entire time talking about that side and forgetting to talk about our marriage. To start, we are only going to have 50 minute sessions. If enough progress is made, she wants to do something with the approval of all parties. She wants to include Si in the side pertaining to poly. For now, she wants to solely focus on the effects poly (poor time management, displacement, mistrust, co-parenting, loss of balance, etc.) had on our marriage. The type of treatment she has planned only involves two of us. Eventually, she would like to merge the two sessions, but for the time being, that is not on the table. He is willing to have an additional session with her every week. Truth be told, the poly side needs its own session and attention.

I have been around Si since Friday afternoon, and it is now Sunday morning. We are actually sharing a room. Nothing like that is happening. We have been talking, and there has been subtle flirting. It was certainly not planned or expected. It just felt natural. We were holding hands yesterday. I was sitting on her lap at one point. It is a non-sexual relationship. I have checked in with Matt several times over the weekend. I have been informing him of what has been going on. The flirting, all of the PDA, the kiss we shared, and the fact that we are in the same hotel room. This is something we have done every year, so these plans were made in advance. Since circumstances have changed, I asked several times if he was okay with me being around her the entire weekend, and he said he was. I have no reason to doubt it. If he had a problem, he would say it. He has no filter, and he does not hold back now. He has had the entire weekend with our children, and I have had a week to socialise and relax with my friends before we move.

Due to full disclosure, it is better for me to volunteer information without him having to ask an arsenal of questions to find out the truth. I could take on the mindset of, "Well, he is not here, so why should I tell?" What happens if one of our friends snaps a picture, tags us on Instagram/Facebook, and then he sees it? What if I had told him, "Oh nothing much happened," and then, he saw that? I firmly believe I would lose the trust that I had earned back.

We were talking last night, and she was like, "I love you, and I miss you." I told her the feeling was mutual, and we kissed. Not just a light kiss. One that was full of passion and probably would have lead to more if I had not pulled away. I wanted the kiss, which is why I did not stop it before it happened. I know. I am toying with fire. My confusion is gone. I needed time to figure out some things. I know with certainty that I do want to get back in a relationship with Si, but my priorities are in line. I am keeping myself in check. I am still holding on to those needs that I listed in my last post.

My realisations: I am poly. I am in love with Matt. I am in love with Si. I did not treat them equally. I gave him hell, and I gave her passes. I need to and will focus on my marriage right now. I want a relationship with her again. I need not to live by a schedule. I am enjoying life being free, beautiful, and open. I like having time to myself and catching up Tivo. I understand my husband's feelings. I understand the damage I helped to cause. I know what I have to do to repair the damage. I feel more empathy than I let on. I am determined not to make the same mistakes again. I can be happy with just one relationship. If I cannot embrace my poly side, my life will not end.

On that note, I am about to get on the road. I would love to stay here, but I would much rather be at home with the love of my life. He has no idea that I am returning this early. I am spending the entire day with my parents, Matt, and our children. Happy Father's Day!
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