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  #451  
Old 05-28-2013, 05:04 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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things change -- drastically sometimes -- even matters of the heart. Even after the situation come to long overdue boil over. When everyone feels respected and understood, then as if some miracle suddenly you all understand each other, I have seen people with the most toxic of bad blood between them and six months later seem as if they got a transfusion that nobody is allergic to.

Stranger things have happened, but I swear sometimes it's as if a light switch gets turned on. When there is respect felt, you all feel understood AND you honestly understand the others it's as if any configuration works. Whether is a hierarchy or some sort of triad doesn't matter, in fact trying to figure out how or why it works gets lost or hard to pinpoint with labels.

But it does happen

The one time I witnessed it was a situation similar to yours, only the married couple actually went through a divorce, and the unicorn and the wife remained friends although they were no longer "intimate" ( they seemed just as close as ever to me, but evidently there was no longer a sexual aspect) A year later and not long after the the courts granted them a divorce the husband and wife were back together. Sixth months after that it was the husband that pushed them back together by encouraging intimacy between them.

I was never really close with them so I can't say what seemed to soften all hearts, but they did appear to be different people. I don't know how, but it went from people feeling they had to defend what little was left of the relationship while the other felt she had to fight for the little involvement which always felt like not enough. Less than two years later their dynamic was all of them being consciously aware, nobody defensive nor offensive, they were now looking out for each other. According to them it only took minimal amounts of time to make sure the other felt respected. Each felt understood by the other and all of them began to understand, for some reason now they could see how behaviors each of them justified years ago were done from a place of hurt. These days they say they don't know how they could have possibly not knew those seemingly justified behaviors were what brought the house crumbling down.

"It was like I was blind..."

of course each of you may think I was crazy or making this up, but it did happen. Some relationships are just incompatible, and people truly are happier apart, but sometimes mistakes are made (actually, always mistakes are made it's part of being human) it's what you do after you make them that counts.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 05-28-2013 at 07:16 PM. Reason: typos
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  #452  
Old 05-30-2013, 10:04 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Hello, hello, hello!

I am in amazing spirits despite travelling for a close to 18 hours from Tuesday night to this morning. I should be bloody loopy, drained, and jet-lagged but I am quite wonderful.

I arrived in New Orleans on Tuesday night around 11 PM, and I was acting like a tourist as soon as I stepped on to the pavement! The minute I stepped off the jet, the heat and humidity hit. It was SO hot. We cleared customs with ease, as we had arranged Meet and Assist upon our arrival. Car service was waiting to take us to our hotel, too. I love travelling like that. I am big on organisation and making things easier. We were driven into the city. Our hotel was located in the French Quarter, and the service was impeccable. Upon arrival, they had champagne and beignets, and we received gift baskets with things like Tabasco, Cafe du Monde beginet mix, Tony Chacheres seasoning, and all kinds of little things that were Louisiana made. After working a full day AND travelling for a bit under 9 hours, I was exhausted. I took a bubble bath, called Matt to say good morning and to let him know I had arrived safely, talked to our children, and went to sleep.

Yesterday, we had to be at the hospital for 8:30 AM. My mum, dad, and younger brother flew in with me. We were there for moral support. Everyone on staff was so friendly and welcoming. Everyone from the associate who came to wheel my brother into surgery to the nurse anaesthetist to one of the doctors on the team who was going to be present for the surgery. I was full of nervous energy, and I almost paced a hole in the floor. I was like, "It has been 30 minutes, 45 minutes, an hour, two hours..." In the middle of us sitting in the waiting area, a fire alarm went off, and there was a message about a code red in some department of the hospital. The fire truck pulled up in front. To a waiting room full of concerned family members who had not heard a peep about their relatives in surgery, it was a tense moment. There was a couple who were there waiting to hear word on their seven week old baby. The worry was all over the mum's face, and when she and her husband were called back to recovery, you could see the worry melt away. Working on the other side of the authorised access door and switching to be a concerned family member was interesting. My hubby and Si kept me pretty calm. They had asked to be updated as frequently as possible because my brothers are their brothers, and they were both concerned. I know my brother appreciated appreciated all the love that was surrounding him.

After about three hours, the doctor came out. After another hour, we were finally called into recovery. My mum and dad went back to see him. I stayed with my youngest brother, and then, we all got on the elevator and went up to his room. He was tired and slept quite awhile. I was happy to see him. The rest of our time at the hospital was spent monitoring him and keeping a watchful eye. He was able to leave once he could drink and keep down 4 oz. He had been administered Ondansetron, pre-op, and was intravenously given meds to counteract nausea during the surgery, as well. I am happy that he is okay and made it through surgery with no complications.

I said my good-byes and headed to the airport. By 6:30, I was in the friendly skies and heading back to London. I made it back this morning. I was driven from Luton Airport to home. I had tea and caught up with Matt and our children before I left for work at 10:15. By 10:30, I was strolling into work, fresh off an international flight, and ready to start my day. I worked until about 6. My day ended at a decent time. (Yay!) Matt had just walked in right before me. We decided to push our date night back to Sunday, since we are leaving for Melbourne tomorrow.

I spent a quiet evening with my hubby and children. We put them to bed about an hour and a half ago. Matt is in his home office, and I am still trying to pack. I procrastinated like I forgot this holiday was coming up. When we arrive, it will officially be winter, so I had to take that into consideration and re-pack. Australian winters are not quite like UK winters with snow, ice, and freezing temperatures. 7-14 degrees is chilly but not freezing.

I am off to finish packing and make a checklist. I will be doing another post regarding some decisions I have made, as well.
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Last edited by FullofLove1052; 05-31-2013 at 01:17 AM.
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  #453  
Old 05-31-2013, 12:18 AM
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choctaw103 choctaw103 is offline
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Wow...I admire and at the same time feel sorry for your jetset lifestyle at the moment. So much to do and so little time.
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  #454  
Old 05-31-2013, 12:56 AM
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Originally Posted by choctaw103 View Post
Wow...I admire and at the same time feel sorry for your jetset lifestyle at the moment. So much to do and so little time.
If it was not an immediate family member, I would not have been there. I know what can go wrong during surgery, and if it was a minor operation, I probably would have been like, "I will support you...from a distance." I know he loves his career and seeing the world, but I will be glad when he lives on this side of the world or somewhere closer.

No need to admire it. It was fun during my younger days, but I only want to travel every so often now. I also only want to travel to places my children will enjoy. I had no plans of travelling outside of the holiday we planned that technically begins today and our family holiday to one of the Disney's. Disneyland in California or Disney World in Florida. After the move, I will be grounded until further notice.

I am happy I went. He was shocked to see me. I am very family oriented, so I put sanity on the back burner and followed my heart. Would I attempt that trip again? Not under sane circumstances.
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  #455  
Old 05-31-2013, 04:40 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Time zone whiplash.

Glad everything went OK with your brother. While I'm kinda partial to Disneyland here in CA, Disney in FL is sooooo much bigger. Dates to stay away from, at least here in CA Jan 1-4, June-Aug, Dec 26-31. IMO do CA if the kids are little (5 and under) and save FL for when they are a little older, don't need naps and won't ask to be carried anywhere - or combined either with a business trip.
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  #456  
Old 05-31-2013, 06:11 PM
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Sounds like your brother's surgery went well, glad to hear that. Hope you continue to have good luck in your travels.
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  #457  
Old 06-01-2013, 12:38 AM
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Time zone whiplash.

Glad everything went OK with your brother. While I'm kinda partial to Disneyland here in CA, Disney in FL is sooooo much bigger. Dates to stay away from, at least here in CA Jan 1-4, June-Aug, Dec 26-31. IMO do CA if the kids are little (5 and under) and save FL for when they are a little older, don't need naps and won't ask to be carried anywhere - or combined either with a business trip.
We went to Disney World last year. I was hoping my daughter would forget about it. She did not and has been wanting to go back since the day we left.

I honestly enjoyed Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure more. Disney is great for nostalgia, but it was so compact. I loved riding Its A Small World. It took me back to my first trips to Disney. When we were there, Fantasyland was incomplete. I do want to see the finished product. I was not trying to spend two back to back years at Disney World. I am pushing towards Disneyland now.
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  #458  
Old 06-02-2013, 09:28 PM
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Good morning and happy Monday!

We finally arrived on Saturday night. The first flight was a few minutes under 12.5 hours. The second flight was about 6 hours. When we got to our hotel, after dinner, it was a done deal. The bed and I had an unbreakable date. Hubby dearest did not wake up until well after 10. He was out for a solid 11 hours. The layover helped to combat jet-lag for everyone in our travelling party. I was in motion the entire layover, and I was close to a window to be exposed to sunlight. I was happy to be on the ground after those flights.

My MIL and FIL landed about 35 minutes after us. She actually hugged me, which made me paranoid like, "Are you going to inject me with something real quick?" Matt was giving me that look like, "Please." I know she is not my biggest fan. She seems to like me now that I am not with Si.

Sunday was interesting. We went grocery shopping, so that we will not have to eat out every single day of our holiday. Our suite has a full kitchen, and I want to utilise it. I do not want takeaway or fancy dancy restaurants every day. Give me a cheeseburger and some fries. I am actually cooking breakfast today. We explored the city and held the first three consultations at unusual locations. I feel stifled and confined when I am stuck somewhere. It makes me uncomfortable. We met the first one for tea. We met the second one over lunch. We met our favourite one over dessert at a local bakery. I seriously believe we might have found our new therapist. We loved her style, her plan for us, and just her overall vibe. We clicked with her. We also chose to meet outside of their offices so that they could see how we interacted and communicated in informal settings.

With therapist #3, Matt and I got on the subject of things that will be off-topic for the next week. She kind of raised her eyebrow, but I knew she was listening. He does not want to talk about anything dealing with poly, anything involving my ex, and no one outside of our marriage or core unit as a family. I will respect that. She asked him, "Why?" His response, "This is the first extended, private holiday we have had since our honeymoon. Most holidays, her ex was around. Instead of being able to enjoy one-on-one time with my wife, schedules were still in effect on romantic getaways. At certain points, I was sleeping alone like at home. We visited some of the most romantic places in the world, and I had to enjoy them alone. How am I supposed to feel about that?" We could tell that was a sore spot for him. I could tell she wanted to explore that some more, but we left that topic alone.

We went back to our hotel. I could feel that he was kind of distant due to bad feelings being stirred up. I gave him space and let him know that I was there if he wanted to talk. He actually did come to me, and we talked until we had to leave to go see a play. I am kind of glad that he chose to come to me and discuss why this particular holiday is important to him and why he does not want to discuss anything outside of us. During the week, we are weighed down by the laundry, the schedules, children, work, and everything else. We finally have one full week of uninterrupted time to bond and reconnect. I mirror his thoughts in wanting to focus on us. If I wanted to talk about everything else, we could have stayed where we were. I wish I could refute what he said, but truth is, that is very much the way it happened. Usually at my insistence. "Do you mind if she comes with us? You will not even know she is there." By me asking that, it apparently threw any plans he had made off course. That romantic dinner for two overlooking a cliff in the Seychelles? Cancelled or rescheduled for another night. I cannot imagine how that must have felt. The thing with Matt is, he puts all of his heart and effort into planning things and tailoring them to my liking. He is thoughtful like that.

I now know why and how he has mastered the art of surprise getaways. It was partially out of love and wanting to surprise me, but the other part was so that my ex would not have the chance to join or interrupt. Now, I understand his holidays within a holiday. Prime example. I was in San Francisco for our anniversary week and Valentine's Day. He had taken the week off to spend it with me and our children. He had an inkling that she would be there, so he planned a getaway within my business trip. We left for Cabo San Lucas on the morning of Valentine's Day and returned over the weekend. That did not sit well with my ex. During their argument, she brought it up. She thought it was a slap in the face, but it was really him just wanting some time alone with me--without her being anywhere close.

I cannot get mad at Matt for any of his tactics or surprises. I contributed to it because if I had acknowledged that, "Hmm. Maybe he wants a full week alone with me," he would not have felt this way. No sense in rehashing the past. We have to move forward. FTR, I enjoyed our little mini anniversary/V-Day break. I am sorry that she feels/felt like it was something to spite her. I do not believe that. Regardless as to the motivation behind the trips, I believe they came from a sincere place. I cannot speak for him, but I enjoyed myself when we did have a couple of days alone. If that makes me a bad person or makes it seem like that is shitty treatment of her, oh well. I do not see it that way.

We are meeting three more counsellors today. Unless they can wow us, I do believe we are going with the lady from yesterday. We have officially been out of counselling for a month. We have grown and matured since then. I use this blog to keep track of the progress. I want to go back and be able to say that, "Back in March, this, this, and this was the case. We are in June, and x, y, and z are proof that things are steadily improving." Yes, we have ups and downs, but we are recovering and bouncing back much faster. The situation from yesterday could have easily weighed us down and prevented us from having a great day. Once that was squared away, we were able to get back to our evening.

Nanny J is here, but she is off-duty. We invited her, so that she could see where we will be living, get a feel for it, and have some time off. We talked to her. She went to the spa and did some shopping. I am glad she decided to come with us and that she is relaxing.

A week without discussing poly or even mentioning Si to Matt. How hard is that going to be?

I am off to figure out what I am wearing, start on breakfast, call my parents to check on my children, and prepare for the day. I hope everyone is doing well.
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  #459  
Old 06-02-2013, 11:44 PM
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Sounds like a good trip so far --
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  #460  
Old 06-05-2013, 03:25 PM
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Matt and I have agreed on a therapist. We met six of them over the course of two days. We slept on it, came up with pros/cons for each, narrowed the list down, talked over it Tuesday, and we made the decision and informed her on Wednesday. We have our first official 90 minute session on Friday. It helps that she has the background information, and she will be counselling us remotely until we move here. You have to love the advancements in technology. We have mutually agreed that a month is a long enough hiatus. I am 100% committed, and my heart is back in it. I needed a break, but I am glad that we are getting back on track. I had burned out.

My ex's birthday was Tuesday. I was sorry that I could not be there with her, but my children and I video chatted with her via Tango. Matt actually got on briefly and said happy birthday and sent her well wishes. She was so shocked that she sent him a text after. They are not buddy buddy, but there is a certain level of respect between the two of them. They are still planning on seeking therapy. I guess the search for that therapist will begin once we are all here and settled.

We finally got to see our new home. I am impressed. The finishing touches are being added. Apparently, in our neighbourhood, the average reno takes about a year. There was someone down the street who added 1500 sq. metres to their home. The construction company, the architect, and the project management specialists have been superb. Seeing our vision so close to completion filled me with joy. The renovations started on 12th June 2012, and we knew it would be a year+ long process. It will finally be done in a couple of weeks. It has been a long time coming.

Now, for the woes and what the hell's?!

This trip has made me even more confused on being poly. I am getting comfortable with the idea of Matt being my said "one and only." I dislike that term. I feel like I need to slap myself back to reality and stop living in denial. Only, I do not feel like I am in denial or even denying who/what I am. I am not sure what I am. I am just really confused. On the one hand, I still love my ex, and there are days when I do miss our relationship and what we had. In 18 days, we would have been celebrating our 13th anniversary. Naturally, it is normal to miss someone you still love. On the other hand, no schedules, spontaneity, and a renewed faith in our marriage have me siding with monogamy. I need to snap out of this. Surely, this is temporary, right?

The past few days have been wonderful. I have not had to say the words, "I would love to stay and cuddle with you, but I have a date." Or, "I would love to go, but I already made plans with Si. I am sorry. I will make it up to you." I love being able to surprise him and vice versa. He is enjoying not having to run his surprise plans by another person and have it cleared or marked on the calendar.

Matt and I have had four days of uninterrupted time together. I cannot tell you how much I am enjoying this. Everything is so relaxed. This is the first time in three months, that he has smiled and laughed every day. No work. No phones buzzing. The one exception was Tuesday when we branched off and gave the parental units a break from the little duckies. I was with my daughter, Nanny J, and our mothers. He was with our son and our fathers. We met up for lunch, and then, we went our separate ways. Our parents took them to the aquarium, and the rest of the afternoon/evening went towards our date. Other than that, we have been together every day. All day. I am enjoying being able to accept invitations to go places with him without having to turn him down due to a prior obligation with Si or with anything other reason/excuse. I love that we are reconnecting, bonding, and talking again. We have done more talking the past few days than in ages. It has been refreshing and needed.

If I am truly poly, why am I adjusting to this so easily and letting it become my new normal? What the hell is wrong with me? Four days should not have me all off track and forgetting who I was. I know I still love my ex, but is it possible that functioning poly is not my reality?

I am off to take a bubble bath and do some thinking.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 06-05-2013 at 03:38 PM.
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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