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  #391  
Old 05-14-2013, 03:58 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I'm glad you are getting to the self aware part. It makes a real difference. We've discussed how this relationship with DC is going better if only because I am more self aware. (even about the things I'm not happy about.)

DH and I have been on groups for poly/mono and something people didn't seem to get was that once trust was broken it was LITERALLY like destroying the foundation of the house and then saying, "But hey, let's slap up some paint and make it pretty so you don't notice the structural problems!" The structural is more important. To be honest the only time we've seen a book or something talk about dealing with the foundation was a book that claimed if there was an affair it could be looked at as a GOOD thing! Now that you've destroyed the foundation of the relationship you can rebuild it any way you want! Hard to see that as exciting and a good thing when you are standing in the crumbling house!

I know it can feel overwhelming, like a suffocating blanket around you as you fight to prove you are trust worthy and feel like you are making no progress. If you ever need to vent or talk feel free to message me!

To be honest, the leaving to think on things by himself is something we are still working on, it always makes me feel abandoned. Worse, like it's a punishment. "You made me upset so now I'm going to disappear from the family and you can deal with EVERYTHING knowing that you have to because you hurt me!" (Yeah, sometimes what we 'hear' or interpret is worse.) So it's nice to remind yourself or be reminded that they are taking that time to honestly think and absorb and that is a step in the right direction rather than just give up or get into a fight!
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  #392  
Old 05-15-2013, 01:13 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Smile Nightly Check-In

My children and I will be alone this weekend. Matt is off to St. Petersburg for a series of meetings. He will leaving tomorrow morning, and he will be gone until Monday night. I am on call all weekend, so I have to stay in the area. I miss him, and he has not even left, yet.

He was out last night, and I missed him quite terribly. We walked before he left and when he returned. We had a much needed heart to heart. I am going to fight that urge that I have to make Matt see things my way. I know that Si has been here in a parental role, but that is not what my husband wants. I cannot project my feelings and wishes on to him. I know that is the only thing we argue about, and you would think that I would be tired of arguing about the same old thing. Something has to give. The make-up sex is great, but it is unnecessary to keep arguing over the same thing when nothing is changes. I am willing to try his way. He is fair. He could have easily said, "I do not want her around them, and that is permanent." Then, we would really have something to argue over. I have to respect his wishes. They are not just my children, and if we ever want to move forward, compromise is a given. He has proposed that she continue to be involved in their lives but in a different capacity. I can respect that. She has been made aware, and I do not believe she has a problem with it. He seems to be happy that I have finally accepted one his compromises.

Even though we are weathering tough times, I have fallen more in love with my husband for sticking it out and trying to fight for our marriage. These days people just give up and say to hell with it. Compared to what I did, his part was minimal, and I do not blame him for ever feeling like he could not handle this. I have to accept fault and admit that I pushed him to that point.

When he was gone in March, it hit hard and humbled me. I cried more than I ever have in my 32 years of living. I was sad every day. I had to carry on and keep my energy up for my children. Privately, memories hit me left and right. I realised all the mistakes I had made. I vowed to right any wrongs. It hit me the first night when he was not there. I had slept alone before, but there was an emptiness and void that nothing could have filled. It hit even harder in the following morning when I woke up. I know he needed space. I cannot believe I almost let our love go to waste. I took him for granted, but this time I am giving Matt my all. I know I can be all he needs and all he wanted me to be the first time around. I wondered what it would take to feel right? The answer was simple. My husband by my side. I have vowed to give him more. I am much more mature, committed, and I am showing him. I messed up. I missed him every day, and I just wanted to be with him. He was so far away. I slept in his shirts the first week because they smelled just like him. That was just a very sad time. I am glad that it is over.

When he walked in on that night, I jumped into his arms. I did not let go until I was ready. He held me while I cried. I had never been so happy to see him. "Make You Feel My Love" by Adele was playing. Could that song have been more perfect?

We spent that weekend alone and created a starting point to start repairing our marriage. Our expectations have been realistic. Trouble and trying times will not last always. I have to remember that when it gets tough.

We have made quite a bit of progress in the 2.5 months since all of this happened. We are taking it hour by hour. Day by day is too broad right now. My stress is virtually gone. I have high stress days at work, but it helps to be able to walk into our home and have peace. We have resumed a relatively normal life where all of the drama is not consuming our every waking hour. We have set days where we talk about "outside" issues. Healing our marriage is a mutual goal, and we are still on the healthier path.

One of the things we talked about were his feelings regarding me being in another relationship. If I were to get back into a relationship with my ex at this point, I would not have his support, any understanding, no acceptance, no tolerance, and not a compromise the first. Knowing all of that and still getting into another relationship when our marriage is on shaky ground would be marital suicide. Another person taking my attention and time away from a situation that needs my full and undivided attention is just an all around bad idea. I asked for his honest opinion regarding it. It is not something he can support at this time. Do I need his support? No, but I respect him too much to sacrifice our marriage again. I am not even sure I want to be in another relationship outside of my marriage right now. It is still up in the air. We agreed to check back in six months. Once some of our problems are worked out and our marriage has had the chance to heal and recover, I might start thinking about that. Until that point, all of my efforts are going into saving my marriage and keeping my family together.

Another relationship is NOT a need for me. I have never felt like something was missing, desired another flavour like ice cream versus some other random food, felt the need to spice up my marriage, or any of those reasons. BP asked Elemental, her husband, what drew him to polyamoury? I am pondering that very thing. What is it that I hoped to gain, or what is it that I would like to gain in the future? Very valid questions. Over time, I have discovered that I do not need multiple relationships to be happy or to feel complete. I am not bored with my marriage. Matt is like Neapolitan ice cream. I have no idea which of the three flavours I will get.

I am complete on my own, and my husband is an extension of the pre-established happiness. I guess that is why I am not pushing myself to make a decision regarding whether to continue with polyamoury or whether to swing on over to the monogamous side.

I often hear people describing their marriages and sex lives as vanilla and lacking that certain something. I have never felt that way. Our sex life has never bored me. I have a high sex drive, and he matches it with ease. We have passionate, intense sex. (You know that song "Addicted" by Saving Abel? Yes, that describes us. Matt is my drug and addiction of choice.) We try to outdo each other. I am talking ripped pearls, ripped off buttons, sheet clenching, pillow biting, screamed out names, scratched backs, and kisses that would make a priest repent and say Hail Mary's for the thoughts if he was thinking. He takes me to new heights of pleasure by pushing me. Our idea of a warm-up is 10 O's. When you have O's so powerful that move you to tears and that you can still feel the effects of 30 minutes later, it is some kind of wonderful. No wonder I missed that when we had not been intimate in a month!

I have to work today. 10 AM day or I would not still be up. We have a date tonight, since he will be gone for our usual night. We are going to a karaoke bar. We need to have some fun and loosen up. If you cannot laugh at yourself from time to time, then your life is no fun. I have the perfect duet in mind. "Just Give Me A Reason" by Pink and Nate Ruess. I only thought about it because I heard it on the way home from work yesterday. Good-night!
Ry
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Last edited by FullofLove1052; 05-15-2013 at 01:16 AM.
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  #393  
Old 05-16-2013, 02:18 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Yesterday was a brand new kind of day. It was great from start to finish. It has been awhile since I could say that.

We both had to work, but we had breakfast with our children before we left to start our respective days. Before he left, he kissed me. It felt different from any other kisses that we have shared. It put a little pep in my step.

Work was work. Hectic as usual. I am have put more breaks in to prevent myself from burning out. Those 5-10 minute breathers allow me to catch my breath before sprinting to the next task. I am significantly less stressed out with the new changes that have been implemented. Matt was texting me on/off all day. It was nice to check my phone and see messages from him.

I got home at a pretty decent time. 6:30 is a decent time in my world. I am not one to complain about minimal OT. Matt was already home and working on dinner. I took a bubble bath before coming into contact with him and our children. I put on one of his t-shirts and some shirts and headed into my son's nursery. I love when he reaches for me and just wants to be close to me. My baby's almost 1. He is growing up so fast. We went into my daughter's room. She was drawing and listening to some show on Disney. I talked to her about her day and what she did. She had quite a bit to say. I always enjoy talking to her. It brightens my day.

Duckie #2 and I talked to Matt while he was cooking. He said he did not need any help, but we kept him company. We sat down a little after 7. I like that we are committed to eating dinner together every night. After dinner, we spent time with our children and had an unplanned family night. We went bowling. We were home by 9:30, and it was time to get them ready for bed. Matt gave our son a bath and got him ready for bed. I got our daughter ready for bed, braided her hair, and read her a bedtime story. My son had a bottle before he went to sleep. He was in a playful mood, but he snuggled up against Matt and went to sleep. I love those moments more than anything in the world. Being a mum is easily the greatest adventure and journey I could ever be part of.

Matt and I left around 10:15 for our date night. We went to the Lucky Voice, which is a karaoke bar not too far from our home. We were there for two hours. After, we went to this Italian bakery and had passionfruit cheesecake and gelato. It was an interesting mix, but we got to chat. We headed home after we finished our late night dessert. I helped Matt pack for his trip, and we talked. We capped the night with some sexy time. He went to sleep after, and I stayed up for a bit to work on my thesis and update here.

I am happy that our day to day life is getting back to normal. It is nice not to be in the presence of chaos right now. It was wonderful to have an argument free day. I would love for us to continue on this much healthier and happier path. Days like yesterday should happen all the time, and we might have found the missing piece to the puzzle to calm things down. Arguing over the same thing? That was unhealthy. Compromising and agreeing to move forward? That is healthy.

Our communication is 10 times better than what it was before. We talk about everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I am finally seeing that transparency is a necessary evil to help me earn my husband's trust back. He has more faith in me than I have in myself.

I am off to read a few threads. I am off today, but I am still going to do some work from the house. Since Matt will be out of the country, I am going to utilise this time and bond with the little duckies.

I have never been a fan of talking about myself, so I inevitably run out of words. My life is really not that interesting when all is calm.
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  #394  
Old 05-16-2013, 03:13 AM
Zed Zed is offline
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I just got into work and read your post and it made me smile! I am so happy that things are going well for you guys. I know what you mean about Matt having more faith in you than yourself right now, I feel the same way with Nisha.

Doesn't it feels so good when you are being open and transparent to somebody to who loves you and they accept you more for it? I used to be afraid to open up to Nisha thinking she would realise I was a slut and leave me, but on the contrary, the more I opened up the more she loved and trusted me. I still have work to do on myself, but I've realised again that I bottle feelings and that bottled feelings eventually come out with such (often negative) force that it results in misunderstandings and arguments. So I'm making a real effort to express myself clearly and calmly these days and so far it's been going great. I really want to keep it this way.

Here's to a healthy and happy future!
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  #395  
Old 05-16-2013, 11:28 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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The weather is fairly decent. The sun is shining, but it is only 15○. I am out with my children and Nanny J enjoying this sunny but cool day.

Matt left this morning. I should be hearing from him soon. It was only a three hour flight.

Si is having lunch with us. She called and wanted to see us, so we agreed on a time and place. Duckie #1 wants to spoil her appetite. She spotted churros con chocolate. We are by the Portobello Street Market, and food stalls are all over. The temptation is real.

I am looking forward to have lunch with Si. I enjoy spending time with her. I miss her and being around her. Our friendship is stronger than ever. We are having a movie night and sleepover Saturday night. I cleared it with Matt. Her presence does not bother him. It was the whole third parent situation and his lack of trust in her. The first part has been squared away, and we have agreed to stop trying to force him to accept what cannot be. Si is transitioning to the role of an aunt/godparent. She has no problem with that. She is happy that she can continue to be in their lives. We had to accept that we were not going to win this battle. I am content knowing that we can move past this and on to other things.

Si kissed me the last time I saw her. I told Matt about it. He was not mad, but he appreciated me telling the truth and not hiding it. I enjoyed it. I walked her out the other night, hugged her, and our lips met. I did not immediately break from the kiss. Partly because I wanted it to happen. Our chemistry is undeniably there. I do want to talk about how she feels about us and what her hopes are. I am still in love with her, and though I cannot make up my mind regarding who I want to be, I do acknowledge that the heart wants what the heart wants. I am fortunate because she is patiently waiting for me to get myself together. She is working on herself, so if we get back together, we will both be better people. I am trying to tune my heart out and follow my mind. My heart strings are tugged when I am around her, but my mind reminds me of all that needs to be fixed before I can have two healthy relationships.

I am off to bond with the duckies and get ready for lunch with the woman I am in love with. No denying that. This is the first time that it has hit me that I really am in love with two people who are so different and amazing in their own rights. I may not have realised how lucky I was before, but I do now.

Ry
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  #396  
Old 05-20-2013, 02:42 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Though it is the wee hours of the AM, it is a new day, and I have been given the chance to get another thing or ten right. I am quite happy but insomnia is a wicked bitch. I have had a whirlwind few days. Partying with my loved ones on Saturday lead to my legs hurting from Sunday morning to now. We all enjoyed the long weekend and all of the festivities that followed Thursday evening. We were surrounded by family, so it was great. Sans my mum's attitude and snappy mood from time to time.

I have been in contact with Matt since he left Thursday morning. Yesterday was the last day of the conference. He will be home tonight, and we have many things to discuss upon his return. He decided to stay another night and take part in the social events/sightseeing. I have missed him, and it is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I know he needed a break from Wackyville and the drama of our lives. Things are much calmer, but they are still not quite at a "normal" level. Whatever that means.

I have been spending quite a bit of time with my children. I am planning my son's first birthday party. That has been an adventure of sorts. We had a dinner and movie night on Thursday. We ate junk food and watched Disney/Pixar movies. It was nice to just bond with them and talk to my daughter. They have been sleeping in our bed since Thursday night. I have loved being with them. I am grateful that my new job and schedule will allow me to have more time with them.

Si spent the night Saturday for our weekly movie night. It had already been cleared with Matt. He can care less what I do with my time when he is gone. The only stipulation outside of the obvious ones were things pertaining to our children. She is transitioning from third parent to more of an aunt role. So far, there have been no bumps in the road.

It was nice to have her around. Nothing happened. She slept in one of the guest bedrooms. We just talked, watched movies, and had a relaxing evening. We attended a morning Mass with my children after breakfast. It was cloudy for most of the day, and it cleared up some around 4ish. We attended the Chocolate Brunch at Pearl, while my little duckies were napping.

I am feeling pretty good about everything lately. I have noticed a huge difference in the way I communicate with people. I am finally listening and taking their feelings into consideration. Overall, my marriage and my friendship with her are healthier and on much better terms. Ideally, minimal stress is best.

I have been thinking about quite a few things recently. A biggie...my ex and I broke up the last weekend in March. I have read the stages of grief, and I have not experienced a single one. I know the romantic side of our relationship ended. I am not blaming her or even myself. Some things are beyond our control. I am not sad about it ending. Yes, I miss her, but I am not bargaining to get her back, promising to change, or anything along those lines. As of this moment, I have not shed one tear. I have accepted that we may never be together again.

Our lives were intertwined for years, but I have felt no grief. I have never experienced heartbreak, so I cannot even say I am going through that. I am not in pain. It is not hard or uncomfortable for me to be around her. I rather enjoy being around her.

My mum said that I am very independent and have never been dependent on people. I love them, but I do not entrust them to be my all and everything. She also said that my lack of grief might stem from knowing that I made the right decision because at the time, it was not healthy for anyone involved. It was the right decision that lead to many paths of discovery. If Si were to tell me that she was ready for a relationship with someone else, she would have my support. I know that seems odd, but I would be genuinely happy for her and supportive. I only want her to be happy and healthy in all aspects.

When it is all said and done, I believe we might end up back together. I am not really sure how to feel about that. I know Matt's feelings regarding it. Right now, I would not have his support, understanding, or acceptance. I think tolerance is even too much to ask or expect at this point. I am not sure it would even be worth it. I just do not feel like I just have to be in more than one relationship. It was nice, but my heart is not bursting to find more people to accommodate it. I often find myself reading various threads and wondering, "At what point do these people say I have enough relationships, and I am satisfied/happy?"

I have been honest with her regarding my feelings every step of the way. I do feel like I am keeping her suspended in mid-air while she waits for me to get myself together and make a decision. I do feel like that is unfair of me and kind of selfish. I have not asked her to put her life on hold, and the last thing I want is for her to put her all into me and to get let down. It is a messed up situation either way you look at it. I dislike that I am still no closer to figuring out what I am going to do or what is "right" for me. I just feel like I should have some idea at this point, but the answer is hidden.

I do know that I prefer to continue working on my marriage, rebuilding the trust, learning the art of effective communication, and maintain [one] healthy relationship with a solid foundation and overall structure before trying to balance two. Matt needs consistency, trust, stability, and better management of time (e.g. not a 20% wife). He needs those things before he will even entertain the notion of growing to accept (tolerate) another relationship. If it means being mono for now or possibly for good, I will be okay with that. My family is more important than my want for another relationship that could kill something that means everything to me.

Once those things are accomplished, I might have an answer to whether poly is the right path for me again. Will it fit into my new life and structure? Who knows? For now, I am enjoying our not just friends and not quite lovers arrangement. I am thankful for her being understanding an supportive in the efforts to repair our marriage and keep our family together.

Transparency has been one hell of a challenge and beyond rough. I am peeved about having to open up and confess every little thing. I prefer doing it my way--omitting the parts that I consider "no biggie." It has not been embarrassing, but I hate feeling vulnerable. I consider that a sign of weakness, and opening up my heart and spilling my innermost thoughts is just plain uncomfortable. Especially when I am the only one doing it. I digress. I dug this hole for myself, and if it is what needs to be done to earn his trust back, I will have to bite the bullet and deal. No sense in bitching about it or complaining.

In other happy news, there might be something HUGE on the horizon. I am not quite ready to say anything until I have solid confirmation, but it is a wonderful surprise. I am looking forward to the next chapters in my life.

I am off to attempt to get some rest. I hope everyone had a great weekend.
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Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3.5) children.
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  #397  
Old 05-20-2013, 12:04 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default People blow my high...

I have an aversion to people older than me. Not all of them. Just the ones that think that age and experience have made them the be all and end all. Being older does not mean you know a fucking thing. 98% of the time, they only know half of what they think. I also have found that my older counterparts are some of the most messed up, overly opinionated, judgemental egotistical people I have ever had the most unfortunate pleasure of meeting.

There was a situation that recently happened. Everything that was said was subliminal, but I knew it was about me. I guess their lives are dull enough that I get to be the topic of choice. I am none too pleased by that because these same people have tee-hee-hee'd in my face. I think it is cowardice move to talk about someone behind their back. In the case of the church, I have met some of these same people there, too. Only they hide behind words. The bible.

I rile people up. Something about me makes people want to sit around and bash me and talk about me. I keep to myself. My life is dull and standard. I can be the sweetest or most venomous person one will ever cross. I am private. I dislike drama and messy peope, so I am antisocial at times. I work, take care of my children, and that is it. Yet, I am constantly being judged. It goes deeper than work and church. That idiotic family of mine and strangers are included. Here is a brilliant thought. Establish a rapport with me. Learn who I am, what I believe in and why, and get to know the real me before throwing subliminal shots and judging me like a contestant on Britain's Got Talent. I have done nothing to the people around me, but one would think otherwise. I just have a problem with people like this.

Unfortunately reel life and real life are nothing alike. If I had a button, I could push "Block" or "Ignore." Then, I could tune out the BS.

Back to work. Hopefully I will not have to go off on anyone, but my bitch mode button was pressed, so anything goes.
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  #398  
Old 05-20-2013, 05:33 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I have an aversion to people older than me. Not all of them. Just the ones that think that age and experience have made them the be all and end all. Being older does not mean you know a fucking thing. 98% of the time, they only know half of what they think. I also have found that my older counterparts are some of the most messed up, overly opinionated, judgemental egotistical people I have ever had the most unfortunate pleasure of meeting.
While experience might not make you the be all, end all, it does mean you have experience. You might be wise to really listen to the story. Then when you have more perspective, make your decision. That doesn't mean they are right as the variables are never identical. But they could provide you a new way to think about things.

If you really think 98% of the time experience is worthless, the problem is definitely with you, not with age and experience.

Sorry for interrupting. I have enjoyed reading your stories.
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Last edited by Nox; 05-20-2013 at 05:35 PM.
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  #399  
Old 05-20-2013, 05:57 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by evad View Post
While experience might not make you the be all, end all, it does mean you have experience. You might be wise to really listen to the story. Then when you have more perspective, make your decision.

If you really think 98% of the time experience is worthless, the problem is definitely with you, not with age and experience.

Sorry for interrupting. I have enjoyed reading your stories.
No need to apologise. Experience comes in handy. I will not refute that. I clash with my "elders" all the time, so I keep my distance.

Age just does not equal wisdom in my eyes. Some people figure because they are older and have experienced some things, I am supposed to automatically listen because they are older. Most of the time, I find myself thinking, "Why in the world should I listen to you?" The problem is they generally have [unrelated] experience(s) under their belt, and they are judgemental and too opinionated when they know nothing. I see no actual benefit of listening to someone like that. I can appreciate an objective POV, but that is like going to a marriage counsellor who has been divorced several times and expecting him or her to facilitate in saving my marriage. Several failed attempts at marital bliss and that is the person I am supposed to entrust the future of my marriage to? If faced with that, I would pass. I guess some would say that counsellor's failed attempts at marriage serve as "experience" and what not to do. I do not see it that way.
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Old 05-20-2013, 06:02 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Age just does not equal wisdom in my eyes. Some people figure because they are older and have experienced some things, I am supposed to automatically listen because they are older.
Absolutely agree. Even if they have experience it should show them that the circumstances are hardly ever identical. The story is what's important, not what you do with it afterward.
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