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  #31  
Old 04-06-2013, 06:31 AM
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Oh yes! Very much in agreement!
Its a HUGE series of spiral staircases to get from an affair to a healthy relationship-much less poly.
And I certainly advise against lying or cheating EVER. Regardless of reason, it creates a paradigm that is completely counter productive to bonding and relationship.
I honestly don't know anyone but us whose sifted through the ashes and found resolution.
Everyone I have ever met who had an affair-the relationship ended. Usually because the cheater expected to SAY they were sorry and be done with it. But deterioration of trust doesn't clean up that easily. Its not like you can run a swiffer through and poof-the dust is gone.
Its more like you set off tnt in a bldg that had the walls insulated with alergen filled glitter. Cleaning it up means years of dealing with the "allergic reactions" to the glitter and searching out every single piece-in addition to cleaning up the blown up bldg pieces and fallout and burn/scorch damage and any other bldgs damaged in the rain of material after the explosion and and and and.

Its a lifelong responsibility to deal with the consequences and they can be unbelievably far reaching.
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  #32  
Old 04-06-2013, 01:05 PM
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I had an interesting conversation with my oldest and dearest friend. She will be in London in about 7 hours. Her timing is perfect.

My friend has no issue calling me out and keeping me humble out of this hype. She has always been the one to bring me back down to earth. She was here last month, and we spent the day together. This was about a week before it all collapsed. She predicted that something big was about to happen. When I told her about the breakup, she said it had been a long time coming. She had always accepted Si and welcomed her. I cannot say they were the best of friends because they never really spent loads and loads of time together. Through all of this, she has opened my eyes to many things. Things I did not want to see. In the grand scheme of things, we all played out parts, but I see that I could have done things differently.

The first week of this transition has not been too bad. It will require time and approaching it with caution. I have no idea what to expect tomorrow or next week. The end has been met with mixed reactions. I have been urged to reconsider. Why? So I can keep giving my marriage half of my attention and grow even more distant from Si? That sounds like an explosion waiting to happen. Would she have come around one day? Who knows? Should we have put the plans on hold to move? Maybe but would that have been fair to our daughter? I am not in the business of breaking my childrens' hearts to appease others. As their mother, I am supposed to do what is best for them. I owe no explanations for that. I was afforded many options because I had a solid and strong educational background. It starts at the foundation. According to some, I need to put my empathy and compassion for my ex before my child. "Take into consideration that she has lost everything in under a month, and now, you are trying to move the children she loves to somewhere that you can only reach by 18 hours of flying." Tis true. Heathrow to Changi is 11-12 hours and then the flight to the actual place is another 6-7 hours. Should I ask my child to pick another school because mummy wants to keep her marriage and relationship afloat? I would never ask that of my child. I have asked her numerous times since the search started. Time and time again, this is the one she chose. I asked her why to make sure she had valid reasons. She said she felt comfortable and liked the classes. They are very structured, but starting next year, she will be learning a foreign language and taking music lessons. They encourage children to be well-rounded and to strive for excellence. As parents, we are already proud of her being vocal and taking an interest in things that involve her.

I was trying to salvage both. Even with the move in place. I was willing to try a long distance relationship and meet her halfway. I think the distance would have helped. Being in the same city did the opposite. While it was not face to face cupcakery, we would have still been together. It would have just taken more effort and energy to maintain it. I guess we will never know now.

Well, I am off to the salon. I think a change of hair colour is needed. Excuse any typos. I am updating from my phablet (phone/tablet).

-Ry

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 04-06-2013 at 01:07 PM.
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  #33  
Old 04-06-2013, 05:35 PM
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I don't think it's a mistake to put your kids first.

It's unfortunately that Si hasn't made the same choice.
She could have.
She has chosen not to.

I have no doubt-none at all whatsoever-that if I told GG tomorrow that I was moving with the kids to Australia (furthest place I could think of off the top of my head from Alaska where we live)-he would scramble and be on the same plane. Even though it would mean leaving behind his parents, siblings, friends, job etc. Because, for 20 years, he has put my kids first over the outside life.

I think it's excellent that your daughter has an opportunity like this. Having grown up in the slum, not having the opportunity to even go to a decent school in our town, I can greatly appreciate the struggles she will avoid by having gotten a good education from the start.
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  #34  
Old 04-06-2013, 08:58 PM
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I am sitting at LHR killing time and reading various threads. These situations are interesting and definitely make the reader think. Back to reading and maybe some replying. I always try to give advice I would take. The many facets of poly.
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  #35  
Old 04-07-2013, 01:00 PM
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My MIL seriously sent me flowers because my relationship ended. What the hell? I should not be surprised. I already knew that she takes things to another level. The note attached was laced with sarcasm. I know she never supported the relationship or my belief in poly.

She was never outright disrespectful, but my ex knew she was not welcome. That lead to her spending some holidays without us. I always had the option to let my children go with Matt and stay with her, but I kind of wanted to be there for Christmas and such. We alternated every year to make sure our children were able to see their grandparents. The sad thing? Si's parents have asked to see them today. I am in quarantine due to having step throat, and to reduce exposing everyone, I am staying out of the way. I have no problem with them seeing my children. They have been part of their lives since birth, so I am not trying to block them. They have three sets of grandparents. What child would not love that? Is that a perk to poly? It just might be.
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  #36  
Old 04-07-2013, 05:53 PM
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I would consider it a perk for certain.
I would also tell them-hey I have strep, but I would like to schedule a visit-is there another good time?
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  #37  
Old 04-08-2013, 12:23 PM
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Everyone is up in arms over the demand that I only talk about poly.

For 17.5 years to be exact, I have practised it, lived it, and suffered some of the consequences. I have nothing to say on it. I am in the process of applying adhesive to the remnants of what was. No, I am not actively practising. No, I am not seeking the next relationship. Hell, I am not even sure I want another one anytime soon or ever. I have to fix my marriage before I do anything, and that is going to take a long time. We are having to rebuild it and start over from scratch. We barely have the foundation. Matt does not trust me. He trusted me to listen to him and respect his opinions. Well, I did no such thing because I was stuck in my selfish place. This is a brand new relationship, and I would be a fool to go and start a new one. Not to mention my relationship just ended. I am not one of those people who believes that you need to get under somebody to get over somebody. That is not my cup of tisane or even my style. Everything blew straight to hell weeks ago. For the time being, I am not able to practise poly. I have nothing positive to contribute. I am struggling to find the positives in my own life. If I am boosting it up for someone considering it, I am being a hypocrite. If it seems like it is anti-poly, well cupcakes have you read what happened? It is not anti anything. I just do not sell false hope and dreams. I am not going to tel someone this will be perfect and everyone will sprinkle rainbow coloured pixie dust out of excitement for your new way of living.

What I do not like is being told that because I am not balancing numerous relationships that I have no connection to poly. Whoa. Bring that back around. A 12 year relationship and 17.5 years of practise are irrelevant because I had to change some things to give my marriage a fighting chance? I am human. I do not have endless energy and fighting to save two relationships is time consuming. I cannot do it all. I am not afraid to admit defeat. I did with a smile on my face.

If I start seeking another relationship, is that when I should come back? If that is the case, I nay never be back. I have to live for today. I cannot guarantee that I will go back to my old ways. I feel like if I do, I have to make changes that are stronger than reducing the number of people I am romantically involved with. I have to correct the wrongs and learn from them. I am not at that point. I am still trying to sort out all the wrongs. Give me time to do that and to forgive myself and maybe I will feel differently.

Part of turning away from poly is how my marriage is working out. How is being at home every night different? How hard is it to just balance one relationship? What am I doing with the extra time that has been dumped in my lap? Is it really a struggle, or is it just that hard to try something different? Why am I being shunned by hardcore believers of poly? I am not being embraced by the mono bunch either. Why is that? To someone eyeing that door, that information is important. My feelings are an accurate part of it. They are part of the learning and growth process. Is this actually helping my marriage, or could it potentially hurt it if I decide I want to seek another relationship? Am I really suppressing myself? I have no urge for anyone else. I am happy in this moment, but ask me when a breakup is not so fresh.
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  #38  
Old 04-08-2013, 12:58 PM
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I guess I am a hardcore practitioner of poly... I am in 2 relationships and have been in up to 4 real life relationships more than once over the past 13 years. But I have been inwardly bi/pansexual and "poly" ever since I was a teenager.

I am not shunning you, Ry. I applaud you taking a big step back to assess how you managed your poly practices in the past.

Especially since you have 2 very young children and you're moving thousands of miles away very soon. I imagine your ability to be present for both Matt and Si degraded even further when your babies came along. I am not sure if you are also currently employed outside the home, but even if you aren't, romantic/emotional/sexual relationships with 2 partners, plus 2 very young children, mixed in with what sounds like extremely poor communication skills, makes for a very full plate, and an unpalatable meal.

The last thing you need right now, imo, is another secondary partner. I support you in playing with your children, attempting to establish trust with Matt, packing your gear and moving from London to Australia, getting used to your new city, supporting your daughter's adjustment to her new school, unpacking and decorating your new home...

You are probably poly in your heart, but so what? You've got shit to do.
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  #39  
Old 04-08-2013, 01:28 PM
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You have NO IDEA how many mono to poly people DH and I see on other lists and sites and yes even here, who are told, "Slow your roll! You did some damage in your base/primary/established/marriage relationship! Take some time to work on that first!"

So believe me, this blog is being read, is relevant and is a damn inspiration. The idea that you are only poly if you are actively in more than one relationship is idiotic. Like you aren't whateversexual because you aren't actively having sex?

I'm really hoping you guys can work on the foundation of your relationship, we've been doing the same for a few years now and are still working on it. If people want to pooh pooh the idea that a relationship can be important enough to put aside other things to work on, well that's their deal. You know what is important to you.
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  #40  
Old 04-08-2013, 02:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I guess I am a hardcore practitioner of poly... I am in 2 relationships and have been in up to 4 real life relationships more than once over the past 13 years. But I have been inwardly bi/pansexual and "poly" ever since I was a teenager.

I am not shunning you, Ry. I applaud you taking a big step back to assess how you managed your poly practices in the past.

Especially since you have 2 very young children and you're moving thousands of miles away very soon. I imagine your ability to be present for both Matt and Si degraded even further when your babies came along. I am not sure if you are also currently employed outside the home, but even if you aren't, romantic/emotional/sexual relationships with 2 partners, plus 2 very young children, mixed in with what sounds like extremely poor communication skills, makes for a very full plate, and an unpalatable meal.

The last thing you need right now, imo, is another secondary partner. I support you in playing with your children, attempting to establish trust with Matt, packing your gear and moving from London to Australia, getting used to your new city, supporting your daughter's adjustment to her new school, unpacking and decorating your new home...

You are probably poly in your heart, but so what? You've got shit to do.
It is not anyone on here who is shunning my choice. It is people around me who think that I should be working on the relationships simultaneously and continue to be myself. Like I asked one of my acquaintances, "What am I to do if the issues in my relationship start overshadowing the ones in my marriage? How many times is Matt going to push our issues to the back burner, so that I can work out those?" She had no answer.

I work outside of the home. I was sick today, but I went to work after the 24 hours had passed. An average work day is 8-12 hours. Add two small children, a husband, a girlfriend, running a home, and everything else all at one time, it was a circus act. With the marriage on shaky ground and the relationship falling apart, it was too much. Matt was at least working with me to try and fix the damage in our marriage. Si was pulling away, and we were drifting apart. I could not make her want to fight for us. I also could not do it on my own. That is what people expected me to do, so I could maintain my status of being poly. How insane is that? Stay in a relationship in name only to stick it to society. That would be a terrible reason.

Right now, I have to fix my core relationship, focus on my children, right any wrongs, learn from my mistakes, and continue working on myself. Those things are keeping me on my toes and happy. I am just not in the position to balance more than one relationship. I am poly at heart, but that is not important these days.
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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