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  #371  
Old 05-11-2013, 01:22 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Exactly where you are, I suppose.

But seriously, it's a good sign that he's scaled back somewhat on the hobbies, and set more time aside for just the two of you. Even if it's not the ideal you wanted, it still shows that he's willing to stick his neck out a little, more than he originally planned to do I'm thinking.

Trust is a hard, complicated structure to build, and it hasn't been that long since he had completely stopped trusting. I think it is important to be patient with him, even while letting him know you appreciate whatever time (and trust) he does give.
Wherever we are has no name. It just is.

It is a good sign. He is trying to be a little flexible.

Trust is hard to build. I appreciate the trust I do have and the time he gives to me. I am trying to be patient. Some days more than others. I appreciate him doing it because he wants to and not because I expect him to. I will take sincere quality time over him feeling obligated to spend more time with me.
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  #372  
Old 05-11-2013, 01:26 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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It's probably not all bad that you have some separate interests. It seems pretty positive just that you're spending more time together than you were previously.
Not at all. I am glad we have separate interests. He generally takes an interest in some of the things I like, and I do the same with him. I have been doing that since our dating days. I remember reading up on his favourite team and learning the players stats and watching games. By the time I saw him again, I was talking like a pro. *hair flip*
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  #373  
Old 05-11-2013, 02:02 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Heh, well I'm optimistic about the direction things are headed. He is loosening up voluntarily, and both of you are capable of relating with each other and sharing interests.
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  #374  
Old 05-11-2013, 04:11 AM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Trust for me is watching the follow through on commitments. I have worked on conditions of reconciliation with my husband. Some are as simple as him attending a 12 step program. He lacks follow through so watching his actions matching his words are critical. Seems like it is a matter of time for that to happen FOL. Patience sucks keep walking.
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  #375  
Old 05-11-2013, 11:00 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Trust for me is watching the follow through on commitments. I have worked on conditions of reconciliation with my husband. Some are as simple as him attending a 12 step program. He lacks follow through so watching his actions matching his words are critical. Seems like it is a matter of time for that to happen FOL. Patience sucks keep walking.
That is a good analogy. It definitely sucks to be in his shoes and see how he has been living for years. If I feel like I have a part-time husband, I am sure he felt like he had a part-time wife. That is a comforting feeling. I will keep walking.
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  #376  
Old 05-11-2013, 03:12 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Glad to see that you two are making progress. When Wendigo and I first started dating, four years ago, I got caught up in NRE and broke Runic Wolf's trust with lies of omission because I had a hard enough time figuring out my head/ heart myself, let alone explaining it to someone else. I didn't even see it as lying because I was telling what I thought was the truth at the time and then my head or heart would change and it would take a while for the other to catch up. It took a few years before Runic Wolf began to trust me again and there are still areas where I know that he doesn't because I will tell him I'm not going to do something, not do it, and then he'll act surprised that I followed through. There is a learning curve and it's hard not to fall back into old habits, but you'll get there.
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  #377  
Old 05-12-2013, 12:09 AM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Actually, I think your both pretty great. The measure of a relationship in my mind is not just the good but the strength of the relationship and commitment to working through the hard times. Every has hard times in a long term committed relationship. in today's society most people quit and walk away. I hope snowflake joins the fight. I think the best things n vs in life deserve the effort.
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  #378  
Old 05-12-2013, 02:58 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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We celebrated 13 years together yesterday. [We celebrate our wedding anni and our dating anni.] It was a beautiful day. My husband outdid himself. We had a very relaxed afternoon with our children. Matt and I went exploring. We picked up little souvenirs, ate gelato, and tried Limoncello from several places. I was feeling a bit tipsy after all the sampling.

We had a romantic, candlelit dinner on a cliff overlooking the sea. Complete with a cellist and violinist, my favourite wine, and a menu that was selected to perfection. All seven courses were delicious. After dinner, we went for a stroll on the beach. Hand-in-hand, waves crashing against the sand, and talking about the past 13 years. Our happiest moments, the moment we knew we were in love with one another (I heard Brian McKnight's "Crazy Love," and it hit me at that moment, "This is the man I am going to marry. I am in love with him!), goals for the future, and everything we could think of. It was relaxing to get my feet wet and have fun with him. Before we retired for the evening, I received a very special gift from him. He explained the reasoning behind the gift, and it made me cry because it touched me because it was the most honest and real with me he has been since this whole mess started. I appreciate him, and I love him. It was a very passionate night/wee hours of the AM. Yesterday could not have been better.

Even with all of the work he put in, I felt pangs of sadness, and at one point, I was blinking away tears and not the happy kind. I am not entirely sure why I was sad. So much has changed in our marriage and between us. It is hard not to be sad.

I am still earning his trust back and still wanting a more intimate marriage. We are closer than we were two and a half months ago, and I am being patient. I know I cannot push him or make him trust me. I do not see it magically increasing overnight or even in weeks time. I know that consistency is key, and I have to prove that he can trust me again. I took him for granted, technically let him leave without a fight, ignored his needs, ignored the needs of our marriage, and the list goes on. No sense in listing out the list again and rehashing all the wrongs. I have owned up to all of them and taken responsibility.

The entire day, I just could not help but wonder...what are we celebrating? Nothing is the way it used to be. How do you celebrate something so different and foreign? Toasting a new beginning? Toasting to the future? I do not know what that holds. Toasting to the past? It caused a lot of pain and limited happy times. Toasting to the watered down love with a side of hidden resentment, slight tolerance of who I was, and topped with mistrust? Hell of a poisonous cocktail, but if it fits, go with it, huh?

Why do I deserve all of this after all of the drama I have brought into our lives and the way I have in essence treated him the past 13 years? Oh that is seriously something to celebrate. I should have been celebrating the fact that after my many fuck-ups and the way I have treated him that he is still here with me and fighting just as hard as me. I guess we could celebrate that. What exactly was there to celebrate again? We made it to 13 years, but at what cost?

I think it boils down to me not feeling like I deserved any of this. The entire weekend. His effort. His love. His patience. His understanding. Him giving our marriage another chance. All of it. He put his all into making this weekend special. No detail was overlooked. I appreciate every bit of it, but I cannot shake the feeling that I do not deserve any of it.

On top of all of this, I feel weird about not knowing who I am or what I want now. Who knew mono vs. poly would be such a hard decision? I have no idea which is right for me. In turn, it seems like I am keeping Si in lingo. I have not promised that we will get back together, but I have not said that it is the absolute end with no chance of reconciliation. At what point will I be able to say with certainty that I am either living mono or resuming poly? I just feel like I am never going to get to that point. If I am not even sure of myself and what I want, it is not fair to keep anyone else hanging in the balance waiting on me to get myself together and figure out what I am going to do.

I know I am not supposed to beat myself up and worry about all of this, but I am. I am going to try to get some sleep. We are heading home today. Aside from my sadness, it has been a glorious weekend.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 05-12-2013 at 03:47 AM.
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  #379  
Old 05-12-2013, 03:51 AM
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Sorry to hear about the melancholy tinging of things. I think virtually everyone is guilty of some things, and needs some forgiveness. When you receive forgiveness, you don't always need to have earned it; sometimes that's not the point.

Of course, I divide forgiveness into two parts: dissolution of ill will, and restoration of trust. Dissolution of ill will I consider free to give to everyone, and most helpful to the person doing the forgiving. Restoration of trust is a little more complex. It does (should) require the offending party to make things right (as right as reasonably possible).

From what I've read here (on Polyamory.com), you have made substantial efforts to be apologetic and right the situation. You can see that not all of Matt's trust has been regained, but some of it has been regained. This seems appropriate to me, and I believe you did earn it. I believe you'll earn the rest too, but it will take some time. So knowing Matt doesn't quite completely trust you yet is also likely to cause some sadness.

Maybe you have to learn to trust yourself, too. Guilt can be a powerful drug; it can weigh you down, and make you think you don't deserve any trust. Suffer for your sins as needed to get through the repentance process, but not so much that you tear yourself down, and are unable to enjoy the good things you're freely offered. I hope you'll feel better in time, as you prove to yourself (as well as to Matt) that you can be trusted.

In the meantime, if Matt has let go of any ill will he had harbored, then that is nothing but a good thing. The rest can be scary: "He's extending me all this trust, yet I don't know if I can be trusted." Have a little bit of faith in you, as many of us do, and I think Matt and Si both do, and feel a little better as time does its gradual healing.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #380  
Old 05-12-2013, 12:00 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Thank you. Kevin, you are right. I have forgiven everyone but myself. I also do not trust myself or my judgement any longer. I just do not feel like I have done everything to earn his forgiveness or even a second chance.

I actually do not think I can be trusted right now. Guilt has been sitting on my shoulder for the past couple of months. It is way too easy to slip into old habits because they are comfortable. Rebelling against those habits and doing the right thing to aid in the restoration of trust is hard. I do have to learn to trust myself and my judgement.

You know what this feels like? Hoping and wishing that a good and decent person will walk into your life after a series of duds, but when you finally get the person, you royally mess it up because you do not know what to do. That is me. I have this incredible man giving me a second chance, and I have no idea how to enjoy it, what to do, or anything else because I have convinced myself that I do not deserve it. My guilt and lack of forgiveness and trust in myself are preventing me enjoying what is being freely offered.

I tried to give him the gift back this morning. He would not take it. It is a piece of art that features pink diamonds, which are gorgeous and my favourite stones. When I asked him why he chose this particular stone, his response was, "You are reminiscent of a pink diamond. Coveted, precious, and captivating." Damn, damn, damn. Stop being so bloody nice.

We went to an exhibit by Rio Tinto last year at Kensington, and I fell in love with pink diamonds. He remembered that, so he worked with one of the jewellers and created a bespoke design featuring those stones. He did that for me, and what have I done for and to him again? Take him for granted, lose his trust, and almost lost him? I still do not believe I deserve this gift. It is the fact that he put so much thought, time, and effort in to creating something special for me. Even after I had been treating him to terribly for all these years. So yes, I do not feel like I deserve anything he is giving to me.

When Matt does something, it comes straight from the heart. His pure intentions and my guilt are not meshing well together. I almost feel like asking him to stop being so sweet and genuine.

We talked about it this morning. He thinks I am trying to punish myself for my wrongs and have talked myself into believing that I do not deserve anything given to me. I hate to admit it, but he might be right. I asked him, "Why are you doing this?" He simply answered, "Because I love you." I wanted to shake him in that moment like, "Wake up. I know you see what I have done, so why are you still here and loving me? I do not deserve it."

I need to have faith.
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, from poly to mono, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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