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  #361  
Old 05-10-2013, 07:22 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Talking Feeling Grateful and Loved

Good evening! Today has been a beautiful day. Not only the weather of our weekend locale but just everything that has been put into it.

Last night, we went to Floridita, which is somewhere that you would probably find on the streets of Havana. Very sultry, sexy bar/lounge. It was perfect because I love to dance. I worked up a sweat, laughed, danced, and let my hair down. Literally.

Hubby and I got home around 1. We talked as I was getting ready to hop in the shower. He asked me to get something off the chaise lounge, and that was when I saw an envelope and a rose on my pillow. I was like, "Aww. He wrote me a letter? How sweet!" I sat down to read it. It moved me to tears. The last page featured a set of instructions like what I needed to pack for the type of weather, what I would need (passport, bikinis, sunglasses, etc.), and after my shower, I started packing. I was talking to Matt and asking questions. "Where are we going? Are our children going with us?" He said I would find out part of the trip at the airport. All I was told was we are spending the weekend in a special place that is close to both of our hearts. I was like trying to remember all of our special places. (I never did figure it out until we were almost there.) He had already packed for himself and our children. He said that we needed to be up for 5 to head to the airport. We set the alarm and went to bed. I knew I was not going to get any information out of him.

We woke up and had breakfast with our daughter and their nanny. She was in on all of this. Our son was still sleeping. My baby was asking Matt questions like me. He was on his George Lopez tip with the whole, "I got this" thing. We left for Gatwick and arrived awhile later. At the airport, I found out that we were going to Naples, but Matt said, "We are not spending the weekend there." face. I was like trying to map out the location of Naples and where we could possibly be going. The flight was uneventful. I slept most of the flight. We arrived shortly after 10 local time.

We drove along the coast to get to our destination. It took about an hour. I was still not 100% sure of where we were heading. The traffic was not too heavy, and it was beautiful.

We arrived at our hotel and checked in. Matt and my our son stayed in the room. My princess and I ventured down to the beach. I always enjoy spending time with her. The past three days have been much needed. This is the longest amount of time I have been off in awhile. We agreed to meet up for lunch at 2.

We had a nice lunch on the terrace overlooking the sea. I took a picture and sent it to my mum. She said, "It looks like a screensaver!" It really does. I have found another destination on earth where the sky meets the water and appear to be one.

After dinner, Matt and I left the little duckies with their nanny. He asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. I excitedly said, "YES!" We held hands and kissed like we had just gotten married. It was really sweet. We arrived at the Terrace of Infinity. He asked me if I remembered the spot. I did. That was where he found out about my first pregnancy. We were on a family holiday in 2008, and morning sickness was giving me the blues. We ended up in that spot as the sun was setting, and that was when I informed him that our lives were about to change in a big way.

Now, I understand why he chose this place. It was a pleasant surprise, and I love him for all of the work he put into it. We have not been here in five years, and I could not imagine spending our 13th anni in a more perfect location. Matt said he had started planning this last year after I was bed bound for our 12th anni, due to being in the post-op period. He wanted to make up for it by taking me away for the next one. I cannot thank him for this. It has been perfect, and we are still in the first 12 hours!

The past two and half months have been intense, painful, hard, and heartbreaking all in one. We have been given a second canvas to recreate the masterpiece called our marriage. I do not know about other people, but when I said, "I do," I intended for it to be something that could stand the test of time and last. I may not tell my husband I love him every day, but I love him. I am madly, insanely in love with him, and I am grateful that he is in my life and that we are working on us.

I hope that we can continue to get closer and strengthen our bond. This weekend could not have come at a more perfect time. When we return home on Sunday, I know I will be ready for the chaos of next week.

I am off to enjoy this glorious weather and the rest of the night. I hope everyone has an awesome weekend. And to the mummies in the States, I hope your Mother's Day is a beautiful one. Mothering Day in the UK was in March, and despite all the hell in my life at the time, it was a lovely day. Good-night.

Ry
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  #362  
Old 05-10-2013, 09:36 PM
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Sounds pretty awesome.
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  #363  
Old 05-10-2013, 11:09 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I was not going to do another post, but these thoughts were like a nagging spouse.

Over the past couple of months, I have had the [unfortunate] pleasure of being in Matt's shoes, and if I must say so, it sucks. I realised how much I was gone from home, and now that the shoe is on the other foot it blows my natural happy high.

When I was with Si, Matt took up all kinds of hobbies and activities. Beers with his friends, poker night, boxing, gym nights, and the list goes on. Basically things he could have done on his off nights or the weekends. He had to get used to sleeping alone. How many people get married to have to sleep alone 60% or whatever percent of the time? He had to get used to me not being there in the mornings. I am realising just how much it blows because though he does not have a partner, he has hobbies and a part of life that I was not part of. I ended up feeling alone and almost empty when he was out. I no longer had anything to do, so I was at home. Sometimes by myself. The only thing he does not do is have overnights with another person. He has them in the form of sleeping overnight in another bedroom. Integrating the way life used to be with the way it is now has been a bitch.

Matt initially refused to change any of his hobbies and the nights they were on. He has kind of changed some, but truth of the matter is, Matt is not comfortable right now and it shows. He keeps me at a safe distance to avoid getting too close and to reduce the risk of being let down if he ever has to get used to sleeping alone again or has to pick up more hobbies to fill the void of me not being around. We do not sleep in the same bedroom every night. He prefers it that way because he does not want to get used to the idea of seeing me next to him before he goes to sleep and again when he wakes up.

Someone on here had it right when they said that he is settling for a watered down fraction of our marriage in order to avoid disappointment in the form of me being involved with someone else. That hurts and saddens me beyond belief.

I can say with certainty that I have no idea to make him more at ease with it being two of us. He is aware of how I feel, but I cannot demand more of his time and attention. I cannot promise him anything. I cannot say, "OMG. I am SO done with poly. Forget that side of me." Just like him, I am getting used to all of these changes and figuring out how to do this. It is a learning curve. In our 11 years of marriage and 13 years of togetherness, it has never been just two of us, so this is a foreign concept and not the easiest thing to accomplish. Those eyeing that door to monogamy, think long and hard. It is not like riding a bicycle for me because I never rode the bike of monogamy, so I have on training wheels, elbow pads, knee pads, and a helmet to cushion the falls.

My relationship ended at the end of March, so I am not in the mental place of even wanting to get back into or even start a new relationship. It is way too soon. Aside from that, my hands are full. I have no more time to give or ration out, so he does not have to worry about me taking up another relationship. I cannot say ever, but if I do, it will be a long time from now. My primary goals are my marriage, working on our laundry list of issues, raising our children/being a good mum, and rebuilding my friendship with my ex. Add in moving 16k km, long-distance renovations, current career, prospect of a new career, working on my final thesis, completing my fellowship, and day to day life, and it is clear to see that another relationship does not fit into that. After the move, it will be helping our daughter adjust to school, making our house into a home, getting used to a new job, resuming counselling, getting to know a new city, making new friends, and the list goes on. All of these things will be keeping me busy and on my toes for awhile. I know what will happen if I have to stretch myself beyond my means. This woman is going to snap like a rubber band.

I am great with how things are. I am freakishly happy, healthy, and living life again. I have my husband back. I have a great friend in my ex. I have two children who mean the world to me, and they are my greatest accomplishments. I have no reason to complain. I am not looking for someone to fill in the gaps or to complete me. I am truly satisfied all around. I am not missing anything. I have no wants for anything outside of what I have at this very moment. This feeling is awesome.

We talked about this last night, and boy, was it ever needed?! It was the first time we had had an in-depth conversation about poly and the drawbacks for the mono spouse since we first met. I had no idea how he truly felt. I know now, and once he started talking, I started thinking, "Gosh, this is my life now, but it is not another woman. It is the things he did to fill the time while I was out living the other part of my life." It would be wrong of me to ask him to give up those things because I feel alone. I am happy he changed some of the things. That will not stop him from keeping me at a distance and preventing himself from getting used to how things are now. I guess I just have to learn how to deal with it and accept it.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 05-10-2013 at 11:35 PM.
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  #364  
Old 05-10-2013, 11:47 PM
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There's even the chance that things could warm up with Si again (if Si moves out with you). So it is understandable that Matt is keeping a hold of his hobbies and that. I'm thinking he is not so easily flexible to go back and forth between monogamy and polyamory. He needs those fixed routines.

I understand that it sucks because it is not what you want right now. You want a fuller, more intimate marriage. But unless you can close the door on polyamory completely and permanently, I think there is always going to be some give and take in the marriage equation. Matt doesn't trust monogamy because he feels certain that he can't rely on it to stay around.
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  #365  
Old 05-11-2013, 12:00 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
There's even the chance that things could warm up with Si again (if Si moves out with you). So it is understandable that Matt is keeping a hold of his hobbies and that. I'm thinking he is not so easily flexible to go back and forth between monogamy and polyamory. He needs those fixed routines.

I understand that it sucks because it is not what you want right now. You want a fuller, more intimate marriage. But unless you can close the door on polyamory completely and permanently, I think there is always going to be some give and take in the marriage equation. Matt doesn't trust monogamy because he feels certain that he can't rely on it to stay around.
I agree. It is not easy. This is the first time I am going from one to the other, and it is harder than the actual work to save the marriage. I have no idea why it is hard. I guess because it is not something I am used to. Change takes time.

Yes, it sucks balls. I do not want him to give up all of his hobbies to rearrange his entire life to appease the likes of me just because I miss him and would prefer to spend more time with him. I would imagine he felt the exact same way, but he never asked me to give up my relationship. I would like to be closer to him and not just on certain days. He does not trust monogamy because it seems like a phase. He does not trust polyamoury because it caused pain and damage. Where in the world does that leave us?
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  #366  
Old 05-11-2013, 12:16 AM
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Exactly where you are, I suppose.

But seriously, it's a good sign that he's scaled back somewhat on the hobbies, and set more time aside for just the two of you. Even if it's not the ideal you wanted, it still shows that he's willing to stick his neck out a little, more than he originally planned to do I'm thinking.

Trust is a hard, complicated structure to build, and it hasn't been that long since he had completely stopped trusting. I think it is important to be patient with him, even while letting him know you appreciate whatever time (and trust) he does give.
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  #367  
Old 05-11-2013, 12:26 AM
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Well, I must say, reading all this, from your perspective and from his, that you are very lucky to have him and not someone less understanding.

Perhaps if you are craving more time with him, you could immerse yourself in what he does. I understand that you may not like all of his hobbies or activities, but I am sure that, reading what he has written, he would not deny more time with you. Trying the things he has developed may not only give you more time with him, but also lead you to discover things you may not have known you liked.

Last edited by choctaw103; 05-11-2013 at 12:31 AM.
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  #368  
Old 05-11-2013, 12:31 AM
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Good point ...
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  #369  
Old 05-11-2013, 01:11 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by choctaw103 View Post
Well, I must say, reading all this, from your perspective and from his, that you are very lucky to have him and not someone less understanding.

Perhaps if you are craving more time with him, you could immerse yourself in what he does. I understand that you may not like all of his hobbies or activities, but I am sure that, reading what he has written, he would not deny more time with you. Trying the things he has developed may not only give you more time with him, but also lead you to discover things you may not have known you liked.
I am very lucky!

I have actually tried most of the things he does. Gym time? I was sipping strawberry lychee boba and playing Candy Crush Saga. He works out almost every day in some form. I do not have the dedication. Poker? His friends kind of sort of banned me from playing with them again. Men and their egos. Beat the pants off them and suddenly they are all sensitive and titty hurt. I dislike the smell of beer, so I have no desire to go to any pubs with him where beer will be involved. Beer is just disgusting. Eew. Boxing? That is right up there with being a gym bunny.

I know he needs time away from me. I know he needs that male bonding time just as I need time with my female friends, so I prefer to limit how much I infringe on his time with his male friends. They talk about sports and other stuff. I love sports, but I could care less about Kobe Bryant's Achilles. That is the equivalent of him getting champagne manicures and pedicures with me and my best friend and listening to us talking about the latest Louboutin's or the vintage Ostrich Vachetta that Brown's has on display. Something tells me he would not care.

Maybe we can find something to do together. We have similar interests, so maybe we can take a cooking class or something. I highly doubt I can get him into yoga and Pilates. That would be a glorious day. That would solve some of it. We shall see.
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  #370  
Old 05-11-2013, 01:18 AM
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It's probably not all bad that you have some separate interests. It seems pretty positive just that you're spending more time together than you were previously.
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