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  #351  
Old 05-08-2013, 01:01 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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So if si really did do all these terrible things, just tell your daughter she doesn't care anymore, and move on with your lives.

Without si here to tell her story, i'm not sure what to believe. Every time people seem to sound sympathetic to si, there's a new laundry list of awful things she did or things she failed to do for the kids. First it was after the breakup, then it was before the breakup but after the fight with matt, now it's "si was shitty toward the kids even while we were still in a relationship", next it'll be "si was cold and heartless toward the kids since the day they were born.".

What happened to "my kids have 3 parents who love them"?


Si never loved the kids, she never loved you, she was always this nasty evil ulterior-motive-having homewrecker who spent 12 years trying to undermine your happiness, and it finally backfired on her because matt exposed her game and you were too stubborn to listen to him at first but you finally see it all for what it is? Srsly?
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  #352  
Old 05-08-2013, 01:17 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
So if si really did do all these terrible things, just tell your daughter she doesn't care anymore, and move on with your lives.

Without si here to tell her story, i'm not sure what to believe. Every time people seem to sound sympathetic to si, there's a new laundry list of awful things she did or things she failed to do for the kids. First it was after the breakup, then it was before the breakup but after the fight with matt, now it's "si was shitty toward the kids even while we were still in a relationship", next it'll be "si was cold and heartless toward the kids since the day they were born.".

What happened to "my kids have 3 parents who love them"?


Si never loved the kids, she never loved you, she was always this nasty evil ulterior-motive-having homewrecker who spent 12 years trying to undermine your happiness, and it finally backfired on her because matt exposed her game and you were too stubborn to listen to him at first but you finally see it all for what it is? Srsly?
BG, you are misinterpreting everything I am saying. I am listing possible reasons WHY she did what she did. Reasons that would cause me to do the same. I never said she was a bad person. I said I was pissed off at the way she behaved. I never said I did not understand either. Everyone fucks up from time to time. Calling it like I see it. I do not think she had ulterior motives. I think there were and still are misunderstandings.

There is no laundry list. It was a three week span of no contact. It was not like I did not try to initiate it either. I lied to Matt to re-establish contact, and I paid for that choice. The little bit of trust I had earned went down due to a lie of omission and not disclosing everything in order for him to make a well-informed decision.

If you had a child, can you honestly say that it would not bother you or piss you off a little bit if the third parent had not even tried to contact your child? I said I forgave her for that and was willing to let her make it up to them. Obviously she was not that bad, or she would have never been around my children again. She also would not still be in my life either. My husband and I see things differently. He sees no purpose that she serves now. My argument was and still is, "Well, she has been there since the beginning, and it is going to be problem if you block the relationship." Hello. That is where we are now. And they do still have three parents who love them and one parent who is calling all the shots and doing everything humanly possible to block any type of relationship. That includes all that he has said so far and the absolute refusal to even discuss our children with her because according to him, "It is not her damn business."

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 05-08-2013 at 01:27 PM.
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  #353  
Old 05-08-2013, 02:32 PM
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I was off today, and I still do not know what to do with myself. For once, there is no house work. I already know what I am cooking for dinner, too. My daughter had a dental check-up and well child exam. She ended up having to get immunisations. She had to have them to, so today was the unlucky day. She is sleeping right now, but she is in the bed with me, so I can keep an eye on her. I love being at home with my children. I am not sure I could do it full-time, but it has been a very fulfilling day.

Matt and Si's meting has been moved up to tonight. There is no way of even guessing which direction it is going to go. Respect is supposed to be number one, but I have my doubts. All it takes is one person saying something, and then, it begins. As long as it does not end like the last time, I might consider it a step up and a slight improvement. He has agreed to sit down with us long enough to try and explain this situation to our daughter. He reminded me before he left this morning that he is not doing this for me or her. He is doing it for our daughter. We were able to agree that it is important that she hears certain things directly from Si. I hope it goes well, but I am sitting on post with a fire extinguisher to extinguish any flames. Our "polyship" went straight to hell and has been hanging there ever sense. It would be nice to find a middle ground, but I am not holding my breath.
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  #354  
Old 05-08-2013, 08:31 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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I gucess what I see isnt what everyone else sees. I am poly. I am doing a separation with my husband due to his family of origin issues and transferrance.

What I see in my dynamic is that I to have some blame when he had problems with my relationship. He has repeatedly said he needs to be heard. He didn't feel heard and he would explode. He is working on some anger management and we are working to be sure he understands I am listening. I also felt my husband was the rock and would never leave me. I didn't work as hard to please him as I did my boyfriend. Foolish me. I had to work through that with him. My boyfriend and I broke up due to being in different places in our lives and him wanting random sex.

In Matt's case from what I see, he experienced years of not being heard in regards to the children. I have followed both threads from the beginning. It has appeared to me and this is just from your writing that you felt sure of Matt, so you did everything you could to please Si. Which included going behind his back in long range plans that all of you had discussed and were in motion. I see that you tried to cover for her, even when you knew he was at his limit. I can see how it makes him feel unimportant and less of a person.

Was Si aware that you weren't telling Matt about ditching the move? It has appeared to me for a long time that you have different standards for them two of them. That you go along with her and manage Matt. Either by omission or your own words batting your eyelashes. Now your angry at him for what your actions brought about. You have both consistently said he did speak out and you ignored or whatever in regards to his feelings.

I think it is easier for him to take his anger out on Si then on you. I know it isn't PC to say in a poly forum. But if he is truly monogomous he probably sees your actions as choosing Si over and over and over again.

I believe he did counsel you to not break up with Si. I truly hope he comes to peace with her, for your childrens sake.
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  #355  
Old 05-09-2013, 12:18 PM
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Last week, we decided to take a month long hiatus from counselling. This is the first week without it. I can see the positives from not going. We are left to our devices for one thing, and we have to rely upon what we have taken from the previous two months worth of couch time. I am finding that full disclosure and saying precisely what I think and feel are proving to be more effective than slight omissions. I have many old habits to break, a list of lessons to learn, and overall a ways to go. We have scheduled the six initial consultations. Our flight is due to arrive in Mel, Vic. around 7 that Sunday night, so we have consultations set for Sunday and a couple on Monday. The rest of the time will be ours to do as we please. We are not allowing ourselves to slip into that frame of mind that tricks people into thinking, "They got this," like George Lopez. We know that we still need help, and that third [professional] party was more helpful than I cared to admit. It is important for us to continue growing and learning from our mistakes.

Last night, Si came over. Matt and Si were finally face-to-face--outside of a professional capacity--after two months of hostility and volatile behaviour. I was there to mediate, but they handled it well. I am proud of them for conducting themselves in such a classy and grown-up manner. I would imagine that it was hard to face one another. She came over around 7ish. The conversation lasted about three and half hours. She ate dinner with us last night, too. Unscripted moment? Yes. My daughter asked if she could stay. All eyes shifted to Matt, and he said sure. By the end of the night, they had hashed out all of their issues, agreed to seek counselling, and there is a high likelihood of Si moving. I am not sure if she will be moving in with us as previously planned, but she does want to move. We agreed to let everything settle for a few days. Discussions will resume Sunday night, when she comes over for family dinner. The original date was tomorrow, but Matt has plans that he cannot get out of at the last minute. I called her this morning and asked if she minded changing to Sunday. Fortunately, it was no problem.

We have work to do, but I think if we can set aside our differences, remember our children are the priority, figure out how to work with one another like a well oiled machine, and stay on the same page, I am sure it will be easier than the past couple of months.

Yes, LMBL, he was not heard for years, and I have apologised for that. I know I dismissed and sometimes downplayed his concerns all too many times. I can remember him coming to me and even flat out saying what he needed. I dismissed it like he was just imagining things, and he needed to loosen up. That was incredibly wrong of me. I cannot say I did everything to please Si, but I will say that I did get complacent in my marriage. I let my marriage's needs suffer, and it has come back on me ten fold. I did go behind his back and attempt to make other plans outside of the ones that had been in place for a year. At that point, we had already secured new jobs, purchased a home, and the renovations had been going on for months. I see why he was pissed off. Everything was set to go, and my selfishness almost stopped something that was always for the benefit of our family.

I would bat my eyelashes, say things along the lines of, "It would mean the world to me," and argue with him until the point that he would relent and just give up, so I could have my way. He fought with me as long as he had the energy, so it was not like he was rolling over and playing dead. Some would call that passive aggressive. That is not what it was. Matt was exhausted and worn out to the point where he had nothing left to give.

She was aware, and she was part of the plans. This is why he viewed her as a co-conspirator and a huge reason why he felt undermined. She apologised for her part in all of this. Admittedly, I have different standards for the two of them. That became apparent when I insisted that he see a specialist in Parental Alienation. Matt's words and I quote, "I had to be analysed by a dipstick and told that I'm psychologically abusing my kids by refusing to let them see makeshift mummy, and she abandons them for weeks and gets off with a slap on a wrist. That's bullshit, and you know it." I forgave her for that indiscretion and gave him grief for trying to protect our children. Our therapist coined it as me "protecting" and "shielding" Matt from Si's behaviour.

It was easier for him to take his anger out on her. I caught some of it, but it was nothing like what was directed towards her. Instead of fighting with me, he just wanted out. He was willing to continue going on with this fight with her as long as time would allow it.

When he told me not to end my relationship with her, it was not because he cared so much. It was because he knew that he had a plan to get out of it was needed, and she was his "visible replacement," so it was not like I would have been alone. As you stated, he probably did feel like I was choosing her over and over again and did not value him, so he made a way to exit the stage and leave the role open for someone else to fill. That humbled the fuck out of me when he asked me for a divorce. I vowed to right every wrong.
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  #356  
Old 05-09-2013, 03:09 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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FOL I am so glad to see you on a healing path. In my circumstances things between husband and I have been hindered badly by complancey and deceit. In part by him delivering all the deceit over a year's time. I do realize the deceit was his attempt to spare me but it only caused more pain. Stay strong.
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  #357  
Old 05-09-2013, 08:52 PM
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What does LMBL mean? I couldn't find it in any of my usual sources.

I'm glad Matt and Si are getting some things worked out. I'll keep my fingers crossed for that to continue.
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  #358  
Old 05-09-2013, 09:18 PM
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
What does LMBL mean? I couldn't find it in any of my usual sources.

I'm glad Matt and Si are getting some things worked out. I'll keep my fingers crossed for that to continue.
LivingMyBestLife. I was on my phablet and pulling quotes from the comment was not working in my favour.

I hope they do, too.
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  #359  
Old 05-09-2013, 10:33 PM
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Tonight was date night with my hubby. It has been a really great evening so far, and according to him, it is not over.

We had a romantic dinner at the Hawksmoor Guildhall. (Adding it to the list of places people need to visit when in London town.) I fell in love with the lobster macaroni and cheese. I love good food.

After dinner, we went to see The Bodyguard: The Musical, which was outstanding. I always did love the movie. I want to do a review when I get a moment. I will probably do it over the weekend. Stepping into Whitney Houston's shoes is a daunting prospect, but Heather Headley, I believe, did the role justice. After the show, we talked over dessert at this cosy little bakery and headed home for a bit to get our duckies ready for bed and to change for the second half of our evening.

I am enjoying the spontaneity that all of these recent changes have prompted. I feel like we are getting closer. I also feel like life is being breathed back into our marriage and resuscitation efforts are full throttle. I truly missed the light hearted side of our marriage. He is surprising me left and right. We had lunch at this Italian place minutes from our house. It was not what was expected or even on the agenda for the day, but I loved that. Instead of driving, we enjoyed a romantic afternoon stroll. I cannot tell you how nice it was to just hold hands and talk. I missed all these little things, but we are committed to getting them back and doing them better than before.

I am sitting on the island in my closet trying to decide what to wear. I have no idea what is planned. I was given instructions like what the dress code is for where we are going. I am to supposed to be downstairs by 11:45.

Things with Si have been going really well. We talk every day. Our schedules rarely align for lunch dates, but I did get to see her today. She came by before we left for lunch. It was really good to see her. She was in a hugging mood. She even gave Matt a hug. They talked for a few minutes about work related things and the how are you's. It was nice to see them talking to one another like normal, civilised people. They both look more at ease.

I have no idea what the future holds for us relationship wise, but I am glad that we are working on our friendship and co-parenting together again. We have quite a few kinks to work out, but the three of us will get it done.

Where there is a will, there is a way, right?

Ry
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  #360  
Old 05-10-2013, 12:35 AM
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Absolutely. (And thanks for the definition on LMBL, I feel kind of silly that I didn't get that.)

Great to hear that you guys are getting along well, and the improvements with Si are a very pleasant surprise.
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