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  #301  
Old 05-02-2013, 12:24 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Physician, heal thyself.

aka

Darlin,' put on your big girl panties and deal. You've got a marriage on the line and 2 babies to think of. You're "not into" getting help and learning how to act like grownups? Some fairy godmother going to fly through the window of your posh London house and make it all better?

Probably not.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #302  
Old 05-02-2013, 01:39 AM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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When my marriage needed working on and I went to counseling, my then-husband refused to go with me. One of the things he said was, "We can do this ourselves."

No. We couldn't. Doing it ourselves is what got us to that point, and it wasn't going to get us out.

It may suck. Your heart may not be in it, but I take my ex's refusal to go to counseling as rejection of our marriage - that it wasn't worth it to him. He gave up and put his head in the sand, wishing things would be quiet and not putting the effort in to fix it.

Of course, I'm biased (naturally, I was 100% in the right and held none of the blame myself ), but I'd hate to see this happen with the two of you.
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  #303  
Old 05-02-2013, 02:14 AM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Yesterday was better. Work was busy, but it was nothing I could not handle.

I am not into counselling right now. I am just like, "Gosh, this is hopeless and pointless." All it is doing is making me feel sadness and like a failure. Sad that I cannot handle my own marriage and that all efforts are failing miserably. Sad that I have to depend on a third party to facilitate in helping to fix the mess I helped to make. Just sad all around. I seriously want to quit. It is no reflection on our therapist. She is great as she is, and I see the [positive] changes that have happened. My heart is not into it right now. It just makes me wonder, "What else am I going to screw up and fail at?" I am tired of going to these stupid sessions week after week. It has only been nine weeks, and I am already sick of it. I guess this is normal and to be expected. I need to give it some more time because change takes time, right?

I realise no marriage is perfect, but this counselling thing is just not working for me right now. More and more, I hate the person I was. Why in the hell did Matt stay, and more importantly, why is he still here now, and why does he still love me? Those are things I really want to know. I would call him and ask, but I am pretty sure he is sleeping right now. I will ask him today when I see him. I was awful and a real bitch. No one else can call me that, but face it. That is what I was. I would love to run from this, but I would be running from facing the person I was. It feels like being in a room surrounded my mirrors and having to face all too valid reflections of myself: past and present.

It does not help that my own parents have been married five days shy of 38 years. We just hit the 11 year mark, and I swear that we have been doing it wrong the whole time. I am envious of what they have. I know it is not fair to compare my marriage to theirs, but that is something to aspire to have. I see the way they look at each other, and the way my daddy talks about mum is indescribable. After being together all these years, he still makes her blush. When I was growing up, I remember thinking, "I want that one day." My parents have always been honest and said that it was not always easy, but the bad times were worth it.

Enough of that. I hate almost feeling sorry for myself. That is pathetic and unacceptable. Change of subject.

My mum urged me to take some time off and spend a week alone with my husband. Her exact words were, "Leave those grands with us, get out of London, and take that husband of yours with you. Talk, reconnect, and for God's sake, act like you care about your marriage. Stop treating it like a business arrangement devoid of any emotion and full of board room style arguments. Your marriage needs your undivided attention. Not a two minute chat while you are brushing your teeth and mumbling some incoherent words due to sleepiness." She went on to remind that she has raised five children, and if that I had doubts about her abilities in handling my two children for 5-7 days, I needed to, "Check her credentials." My mother always could humble the hell out of me and bring me back down to reality.

We have talked about it and agreed to set aside a week. We have two possible weeks in mind, and we will work our schedules around it. If everything cannot function without us for five days, there is a problem anyway. We have not agreed on a place, yet. We are both coming up with lists, and we will mutually decide. Right now, the top contender is Paris. With EasyJet, the flights are about 73/per person RT. The flight is about an hour, so it fits our distance criteria. (We do not want to be too far in case there is an emergency.) And we are using Priceline's Name Your Price option for the hotel. We swear by BetterBidding, as they have the most helpful tips. Who does not like saving? I think uninterrupted time away will do us some good.

I am spending another night away from home. I am not alone, though. My children and I are at my parents' home. We drove down yesterday after I got off. (Our counsellor is not far from here.) Matt is at home by himself. He is driving down at some point this morning. We are both off today just like every Thursday. I am working over the weekend to make up for skipping out on Tuesday.

The good news is counselling day and date nights coincide. I made the plans for this week. After a tumultuous week, we need to reconnect.

I am feeling okay aside from the counselling issue. I am off to read some more of this book I just started before I attempt to get some sleep again. Sleep is just not coming easily tonight. Restless thoughts and insomnia? Eek.

Good-night.

Ry
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  #304  
Old 05-02-2013, 02:22 AM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
When my marriage needed working on and I went to counseling, my then-husband refused to go with me. One of the things he said was, "We can do this ourselves."

No. We couldn't. Doing it ourselves is what got us to that point, and it wasn't going to get us out.

It may suck. Your heart may not be in it, but I take my ex's refusal to go to counseling as rejection of our marriage - that it wasn't worth it to him. He gave up and put his head in the sand, wishing things would be quiet and not putting the effort in to fix it.

Of course, I'm biased (naturally, I was 100% in the right and held none of the blame myself ), but I'd hate to see this happen with the two of you.
I know we cannot do it ourselves. I am not even willing to let myself fall into that trap of believing that.

It sucks bonobo balls. I guess it will be worth it at some point.
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  #305  
Old 05-02-2013, 02:26 AM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Physician, heal thyself.

aka

Darlin,' put on your big girl panties and deal. You've got a marriage on the line and 2 babies to think of. You're "not into" getting help and learning how to act like grownups? Some fairy godmother going to fly through the window of your posh London house and make it all better?

Probably not.
Wishful thinking.

We have to fix this. Discouraging, but it must be done.
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  #306  
Old 05-02-2013, 05:55 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
My mum urged me to take some time off and spend a week alone with my husband.
Good for your mum. She sounds like a very wise lady. You have some good support in your corner.

I hope that the time together helps.

IP

Last edited by InfinitePossibility; 05-02-2013 at 05:59 AM. Reason: spelling
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  #307  
Old 05-02-2013, 12:04 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I have enjoyed being around my parents. The things they argue over seem so trivial. Daddy answered the phone, and instead of handling whatever it was, he passed her the phone. He knows she like hates that. I just watched them go back and forth. If they liked it, I loved it.

I hate when people tell me what I am not doing. That is a pet peeve. Just because I am not screaming from the top of a mountain about how badly I messed up does not mean I am not owning up. I owe no explanations to anyone but my spouse and the counsellor by proxy. Facing the music is the new story of my life. Do not tell me that I do not understand the complexities of this situation and the depth of my mistakes. I know this situation in and out. Everyone has an opinion about everything. I should be doing this. I should be doing that. I would not do this if I were you. Why is perfection expected right now? It has been nine weeks to the day that everything came crashing down. In stages, we are still in the infancy of recovery and honest discovery. No, I am not going to do everything right. No, I am not going to be perfect at repairing anything. No, I do not know it all. Yes, I am sick of counselling. Yes, I am irritable. Yes, I want peace.

I talk to my husband every day. I get tired of talking to him, so I take a break. I need room to breathe and think without anyone expecting me to say a word before I am ready. I choose not to bare my soul to him. There is no guarantee he believes what I am saying, so why should I bare my soul? I get the whole you need to be open argument, but does that apply with no trust? He opens up to me and exposes little spectrums of light. He quickly shuts down because clearly trusting me the first time was a lesson he will never forget. He still has the burns to prove it. Life is grand. No, we have not talked in-depth today either. I will see him at 4 and not a minute before. I will talk to him during counselling for 120 minutes, so I am not exactly up for a long draining talk before. We can talk after, too. Just not before.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 05-02-2013 at 07:01 PM.
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  #308  
Old 05-02-2013, 01:16 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I choose not to bare my soul to him. There is no guarantee he believes what I am saying, so why should I bare my soul?
Because if you want to be in the continuing marriage, and for it to become the kind of long term marriage you envy in your parents' marriage... that is the price of admission.

Someone has to go first. So part of your making amends could be going first.

Hang in there. I hope your week away together is helpful.

Galagirl
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  #309  
Old 05-02-2013, 01:25 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Because if you want to be in the continuing marriage, and for it to become the kind of long term marriage you envy in your parents' marriage... that is the price of admission.

Someone has to go first. So part of your making amends could be going first.

Hang in there. I hope your week away together is helpful.

Galagirl
I get that, but he doubts everything I say, who is that helping? I see no benefit. It feels like being slapped in the face.
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  #310  
Old 05-02-2013, 02:24 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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To reestablish trust you need to see this level of honesty, day in, day out, for a long time. He may not trust you right now. He may not trust you for a long time. The benefit is in establishing a pattern of showing that you are trustworthy, regardless of how he perceives you in the here-and-now. Eventually, as this new pattern is established, it will help the process of regaining trust.

It's a marathon, not a sprint. Hang in there...
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