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  #281  
Old 04-30-2013, 04:57 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by monkeystyle View Post
Under similar circumstances, I don't know that many people who would be much different from how Matt is reacting. He makes some good points, and forcing reactions from him over the parenting quandary aren't making him look any better to you or anyone else. Matt's PR is beside the point though, regardless of how he appears you know him differently than people in this forum making snap judgements about his quality. That being said, he obviously wants no part of your ex for himself, and to a very restricted degree in his children's lives, and your pushing the issue just creates more stress.

You guys don't appear to be splitting up, but you're determined to have her around, and he's not. Someone needs to back off their position, and frankly I don't expect that it will be him. If indeed he is as adamant as his post indicates.

Your choices seem clear to me, either way. Seems like Matt has made his stand and is sticking to it. Whether you accept it or not will define your relationship going forward.

So, will you accept it, or won't you? Because all the talk in the world won't change anything, this late in the game.

You had a part in creating this situation, and so did they. I think blame and recriminations are pointless and counter productive. As I've stated before, you've got to get past this disturbance and get back to living life. One way or another. With or without people who are present today. You know the boundaries, disagreeable though they may be. So now, it's up to you to choose what to do for yourself and family.

In spite of it all though, I think all of you are erring in forcing these issues when you're at your worst, and most prone to making irrational statements and judgements. There's nothing informed about decisions made under duress. For anyone. What can you both do to constructively resolve this while creating some peace in yourselves, whilst being willing to live with the outcome of the decisions?
My life has been going on, and the issues kept mounting until I cracked like an egg.

I made a decision, and I was urged to reconsider. "Oh no. That is not fair to Si because she has been around since this time. It seems like you are siding with Matt." "Oh no. You should not do that either because you cannot be the only one making decisions." Okay, but it is not fair to Matt to continue doing the same things that lead to this either. All that shows is he is still not being listened to, and I have not learned a single lesson. I know Matt's boundaries, and I have been violating them or standing with my toes pressed to the line.

What is fair to anyone these days? I am beginning to think nothing.

Ry
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  #282  
Old 04-30-2013, 05:55 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Sounds like the both of you are at over saturation levels when it comes to dealing with "feelings". Back off and take a break. I've have to do this sometimes and I know others here have said the same thing. Don't discuss your "feelings" or the mess of a situation except on scheduled days, counceling days plus an extra 2 hours on a non-counseling day or such (maybe limit it to twice a week) and that's it. The rest of the time, just deal with everyday life.
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  #283  
Old 04-30-2013, 06:12 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Sounds like the both of you are at over saturation levels when it comes to dealing with "feelings". Back off and take a break. I've have to do this sometimes and I know others here have said the same thing. Don't discuss your "feelings" or the mess of a situation except on scheduled days, counceling days plus an extra 2 hours on a non-counseling day or such (maybe limit it to twice a week) and that's it. The rest of the time, just deal with everyday life.
We have been doing a modified form of that. When I am walking in the house at whatever time of night, the last thing I want to talk about is this. It goes into the off-limit pool until a later time.

This situation only comes up if something happens, and it cannot be put off until another day. The weekend was a big deal, and it made some negative feelings come out. Waiting until Thursday during our session to address them was not an option this time.

I am away from it and not letting it consume me right now.
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  #284  
Old 04-30-2013, 06:29 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Well, you certainly have your plate full. I agree that most of the talks about Si are best left for counselling, but I can see how things were pushed to a head in this latest case.

I don't blame you for scraping up a bit of time off. There are so many people depending on you. It must get overwhelming at times.

It would be wonderful if Si could be part of the kids' lives, but it won't be the end of the world if that can't happen. Try not to let yourself get pulled apart by the impossibility of this dilemma.

With much regards,
Kevin T.
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  #285  
Old 04-30-2013, 06:59 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Well, you certainly have your plate full. I agree that most of the talks about Si are best left for counselling, but I can see how things were pushed to a head in this latest case.

I don't blame you for scraping up a bit of time off. There are so many people depending on you. It must get overwhelming at times.

It would be wonderful if Si could be part of the kids' lives, but it won't be the end of the world if that can't happen. Try not to let yourself get pulled apart by the impossibility of this dilemma.

With much regards,
Kevin T.
I am trying not to. I reached my breaking point two weeks ago, but I pushed myself past my limit. Never again. I could feel it coming, but I chose to ignore it.

Impossible is right. It will be okay one way or the other.
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  #286  
Old 04-30-2013, 07:22 PM
Lynn Lynn is offline
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I've been following this thread and before that, I followed Matt's. What a sad situation. I actually can empathize with each of you and that's the thing that makes it so heartbreaking. Matt is being over-the-top stubborn, but I can see how he reached this point, but looking back, it was as much his fault as anyone else's so don't carry all the blame. Mistakes were made by each of you. You just seem more willing to take responsibility for yours. At this point though, laying blame or deciding who's at fault is not productive and it's a waste of time.

It's so easy for all of us to sit at our computers and tell you what you did wrong, what you're doing wrong, or what you should or shouldn't be doing. But we don't know you. We don't know Matt and we don't know Si so any advice we might give would be based only on our perception of the situation. There is one thing that I'm having a problem with. I'm a parent. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING would EVER cause me to walk away from my child even for one day, leaving her to wonder why she hasn't seen or heard from me. Being angry with her other parent or being hurt by her other parent wouldn't prevent me from seeing my child. But that's what Si did for a time. She didn't go to the recital, she didn't call to check on them. She just went quiet. There's so much talk about her being a co-parent but to me, I don't see it. I'm not saying she doesn't love them; I'm sure she does. But that one thing bothers me. It's just MY opinion and just MY perception.

I worry about you because you seem to be on the edge. How much more of this can you take. I feel you're driving yourself crazy trying to find a way to make it all work. The reality might be that it's simply not going to work. Life can suck sometimes...so many sacrifices and compromises. We can't always have things the way we would like them. We can't always have everything we want. It's just life, full of painful, difficult decisions. Unfortunately, we can't control the actions of other. We can only control our own. It might be time you considered the possibility that you might have to make a choice. You might have to search your soul and decide which path is right for you and your children. You love Matt and you love Si and I'm so sorry this is happening. But unless things change drastically, is it realistic to hold out hope that you're going to be able to merge both paths? One way or another, this can't go on. You're going to make yourself sick. I'm sure that much, we will all agree on.
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  #287  
Old 04-30-2013, 08:52 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by Lynn View Post
I've been following this thread and before that, I followed Matt's. What a sad situation. I actually can empathize with each of you and that's the thing that makes it so heartbreaking. Matt is being over-the-top stubborn, but I can see how he reached this point, but looking back, it was as much his fault as anyone else's so don't carry all the blame. Mistakes were made by each of you. You just seem more willing to take responsibility for yours. At this point though, laying blame or deciding who's at fault is not productive and it's a waste of time.
I agree. It is a waste of time. I know why he feels the way he does. It has been said time and time again. The beauty of me finally opening my ears and listening to him, huh? What he said last night is mild in comparison to what has been said in recent weeks. I read that like I do with e-mails. It did not warrant a response because he knows how I feel and what I think.

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It's so easy for all of us to sit at our computers and tell you what you did wrong, what you're doing wrong, or what you should or shouldn't be doing. But we don't know you. We don't know Matt and we don't know Si so any advice we might give would be based only on our perception of the situation. There is one thing that I'm having a problem with. I'm a parent. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING would EVER cause me to walk away from my child even for one day, leaving her to wonder why she hasn't seen or heard from me. Being angry with her other parent or being hurt by her other parent wouldn't prevent me from seeing my child. But that's what Si did for a time. She didn't go to the recital, she didn't call to check on them. She just went quiet. There's so much talk about her being a co-parent but to me, I don't see it. I'm not saying she doesn't love them; I'm sure she does. But that one thing bothers me. It's just MY opinion and just MY perception.
This is exactly what he says. This and, "Just because she was around does not mean she should have so much say. The nanny is around and has been since before we even brought our daughter home from the hospital, but our children do not call her mum." He contends that the oldest calling Si mum was something that was more coerced as opposed to natural. I have no argument against that. Tis true. Our nanny moved in two weeks before I gave birth in December 2008. She is with them every day, and she sometimes spends time with them on her off days with them, too. They know her just as they know us, but they do not call her mother or anything else.

Quote:
I worry about you because you seem to be on the edge. How much more of this can you take. I feel you're driving yourself crazy trying to find a way to make it all work. The reality might be that it's simply not going to work. Life can suck sometimes...so many sacrifices and compromises. We can't always have things the way we would like them. We can't always have everything we want. It's just life, full of painful, difficult decisions. Unfortunately, we can't control the actions of other. We can only control our own. It might be time you considered the possibility that you might have to make a choice. You might have to search your soul and decide which path is right for you and your children. You love Matt and you love Si and I'm so sorry this is happening. But unless things change drastically, is it realistic to hold out hope that you're going to be able to merge both paths? One way or another, this can't go on. You're going to make yourself sick. I'm sure that much, we will all agree on.
I am better now. I was on the edge. My daily schedule topped with these issues just burned me out. I had nothing left to give to anyone. In all my years of education and actually practising, I have never bailed on a work day. Today was the first time, so you know it was serious and dire.

The only thing I want these days is consistent peace. I have enough stress on the job. The one place I should have minimal stress is at home.

I did make a decision. My decision was to severe the ties and let the relationships start breaking down now. I was urged to reconsider, not act in haste, not make any final decisions under duress, show empathy to Si, and continue to go against Matt to do what was supposedly fair to my children. As we see, that method did not work. I am still leaning towards severing the ties. I am tired of living like this. There are two clear paths, and the path I chose is not working.

Matt is not changing the way he feels, so it is up to me to make a decision. I can live with the consequences. I have been living with this long enough. He has admitted his wrongs in the situation many times over. He has tried to be okay with certain things, but he just cannot do it. I knew Matt was stubborn when I met him. I knew when I married him. I knew when I had both children with him. I can deal with that because I knew it, and he never masked it as anything else. Even if he was not stubborn, the outcome would be no different.
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  #288  
Old 04-30-2013, 10:17 PM
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Scissors Scissors is offline
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I've been following your story with great interest, mainly as a cautionary tale that keeps me on the straight and narrow through my own adventure. I have my own opinions on the whole mess, but honestly, it doesn't really matter. What I want to ask is this: do you have a "safe" place of your own? I don't mean a physical one; I mean an internet/whatever haven to vent or ramble or do as you wish. Because it might do you a disservice to progress in your relationship through expensive counselling etc., only to turn around and release your frustrations onto a messageboard that everyone (especially the parties in your life) can read and are aware of. It seems to me that by putting your thoughts here, you are implicitly allowing Matt to be even more lazy/withdrawn in communication, since he can read all your grievances (and even take enough offense to your portrayal of him to post defending himself, which I'd personally perceive as skirting the line of the rule of blogs being a "safe", criticism-free place). While you, on the other hand, are stuck being entirely reactionary and (perhaps ultimately) policing your thoughts for fear of offending your loved one.

I'm not suggesting Matt start his own blog or some such. I'm not suggesting you stop. I'm aware of the challenges of a board like this where lovers can register and sparks can fly. I'm just pointing out that as it stands now, information only appears to flow one way and this imbalance is inadvertently created/perpetuated. Even if what you write here IS stuff you've already said before ad nauseum to your therapist, it's difficult to deny the power of words made material. Made concrete.

... Unless this is the dynamic you want, of course.
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  #289  
Old 04-30-2013, 10:45 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by Scissors View Post
I've been following your story with great interest, mainly as a cautionary tale that keeps me on the straight and narrow through my own adventure. I have my own opinions on the whole mess, but honestly, it doesn't really matter. What I want to ask is this: do you have a "safe" place of your own? I don't mean a physical one; I mean an internet/whatever haven to vent or ramble or do as you wish. Because it might do you a disservice to progress in your relationship through expensive counselling etc., only to turn around and release your frustrations onto a messageboard that everyone (especially the parties in your life) can read and are aware of. It seems to me that by putting your thoughts here, you are implicitly allowing Matt to be even more lazy/withdrawn in communication, since he can read all your grievances (and even take enough offense to your portrayal of him to post defending himself, which I'd personally perceive as skirting the line of the rule of blogs being a "safe", criticism-free place). While you, on the other hand, are stuck being entirely reactionary and (perhaps ultimately) policing your thoughts for fear of offending your loved one.

I'm not suggesting Matt start his own blog or some such. I'm not suggesting you stop. I'm aware of the challenges of a board like this where lovers can register and sparks can fly. I'm just pointing out that as it stands now, information only appears to flow one way and this imbalance is inadvertently created/perpetuated. Even if what you write here IS stuff you've already said before ad nauseum to your therapist, it's difficult to deny the power of words made material. Made concrete.

... Unless this is the dynamic you want, of course.
Everything that I say has been out loud and talked about to the point of annoyance, which is when I deem it necessary to get other opinions because I do not know it all. Sometimes when you are in the middle of a situation, you cannot see all the dynamics, and your judgement could very well be clouded. That is what was happening to me. I was not able to see all the folds and the little neatly tucked away corners, so I decided to write.

I do have outside support, but they have nothing constructive to offer. Divorce, consider what the children want, go against Matt, continue doing what you want, and so on. Some of the same things that have been suggested here. I am tired of counselling, too. I tried one-on-one therapy, and I decided that was not the avenue for me. Matt goes, and it has helped him. I was just not into it. I found it more of a nuisance than help. I just felt like my time could have been better served working on my own issues outside of a therapist's office.

I use this as one method of getting my thoughts out. I also do video diaries. I used to write. I have written thousands of pages worth of thoughts over the course of time. I like to go back and read them to see what I was thinking in that moment or even how I have grown or regressed. They are actually in my home office. I have shared some of them with Matt. I just sent him one talking about my day and how I was feeling about everything in that moment. My nightly post here will reflect the same thoughts and feelings.

I know there is an imbalance. The imbalance was and actually still is in our lives. I played my part in making that imbalance cause as many problems as it did. Last night was the third or fourth time he has commented out of 29-30 pages. If he is not willing to open up to me, I know expecting him to open up via a blog is virtually out. Partially because he thinks people will try to change him or his mind.

I would love to hear your thoughts. I welcome all thoughts and opinions.

Ry
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  #290  
Old 05-01-2013, 12:17 AM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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I think your most recent comment is the most informative thing about you that I've read in this entire thread. It says a lot for how you process things. Namely, that emotional immediacy is tied to momentary proximity of thinking, and not necessarily to the overall situation. Good to know, as it helps put your thoughts and postings into better context.

I've basically urged a slowing down (back off the emotional ledge) of things, but as this is how you're getting it out there it may not matter much. To be fair, on occasion you do come off as being utterly on the verge of pure mayhem. And not in a Monty Python happy mayhem sort of way.

Both of you seem to have interesting minds, good arguments and compelling perspectives. In real life, I'd suspect words like 'stable' and 'secure' could be used to describe you both. Ultimately, those qualities will re-assert themselves on your relationship, provided neither of you resort to truly harmful tactics.
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