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  #261  
Old 04-29-2013, 03:36 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Lightbulb New Attitude

I am in my office and eating lunch. Monday's are full of madness. My hubby finally sent me a text in between his afternoon rounds. He apologised for being distant and said that we should talk tonight. We wanted to grab lunch together, but our schedules did not match up for that today. Rain check for sure.

Someone sent me a PM, and it tickled me. I want my children to do as I say and not as a did. They have no clue what has been going on.
  • Mummy and daddy are in counselling.
  • Daddy and mummy #2 are not on speaking terms, and he is trying to keep them apart.
  • Mummy #2 is about to be 16k km away and cut off in every sense of the word because she decided not to move.
  • Paternal grandma despised mummy #2 and banned her from being part of any family activities including but not limited to birthday parties, weddings, baby showers, reunions, holidays, etc.
  • Mummy sucked in the communication department and was very selfish.
  • Daddy is being something like a martyr, and his heart is not softening at all.
  • Mummy is in the middle of it and trying to keep the peace so that the environment stays stable and healthy.
  • Mummy has days where she wants to shake some sense into daddy and mummy #2.

Would I want them to be part of a dynamic or relationship like this? Goodness, no. The average person would want to scream.

I would love for Matt and Si to just talk. Not like they did the last time, which turned into a nasty, vicious argument where insults were flying like fur. I want them to remember the point where they first formed a friendship, and when they had feelings for each other. I want them to remember how happy we all were for NYE and the days following. I want them to both apologise from the heart and repair their friendship at best. I want Matt to realise that yes, some of our actions were wrong and out of place, but we never intended to hurt him or to make him feel like he was not valued.

I am inviting her over at some point this week. I am not asking Matt. I am telling him. I will probably tell him tonight, since we already have plans to talk.

They are not going to resolve their issues on their own, and I know they will not seek professional help. I am coming up with rules and boundaries for this sit-down. There will be no insults hurled, no eye rolling, no passive aggressive behaviour, no yelling, no screaming, no hitting below the belt, no disrespect, no name-calling, and no putting anyone out. They need to face each other and man or woman up. If there are any issues, they need to confront them and get them off of their chests in a civil and respectful manner.

We have two children who are far from 18. One of them is not even one, yet. We have a long way to go. They have grown accustomed to having three parents, and they both love us all equally. It is not fair for him to use our children against her because he is upset and has chosen not to confront his issues with her. Just as it was not fair for her to shut them out when she was upset. She still has some making up to do, but she has not been able to do so.

I do not care if they cannot stand each other. They better grin like some damn Cheshires and act like every day is a trip to Walt Disney World and like they really are in the happiest place on earth. Our children will be the focus.

Since I am forced to be a mediator, I am going to act like one. To keep the peace, there will be no speaking until given the okay to do so. I am treating it like a debate. Person 1 speak your peace and be receptive to what is being said. Person 2 offer your rebuttal and be mindful of what you are saying. Go back and forth in a calm manner. The ultimate goal is to reach some type of agreement that they can live with. For the record, I have no problem interrupting and/or telling someone to hush or shut the hell up.

We will agree on a visitation schedule and a day to implement it. I have their schedules for the entire month of May. They did not realise why I was asking for them, so I now know when they are on-call, have off days, and such. I have already started a sample schedule. We will discuss the terms and come to a mutual agreement. They will both sign it and agree to abide by it. No intentional interference, no arguments, and if there are changes, 24-48 hours notice. Parenting is not easy, but we are going to work together like a team. Our children did not ask for any of this. I am leaving room for adjustments or the unexpected like falling ill.

Something about today has left me with a fresh perspective and a new attitude. For two months, this has been running our lives, and personally, I want my life back. I do not know about them, but I am taking control of the wheel and putting this back on the right path.
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  #262  
Old 04-29-2013, 06:54 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Glad to hear Matt is talking again. It's one thing to know that *something* is wrong, it's another thing to know *what* is wrong.

Keep us posted on how things go with the negotiations.
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  #263  
Old 04-29-2013, 08:52 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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I am not surprised by what is happening. Matt is working on relationship and is going to parential alienation. Si is not doing any work on abandoning the kids and disappointing them. All it takes is a monkey and a sweet Jesus and you are moving forward without discussing it in counseling with Matt. Shoving his thoughts aside and giving him boundaries,Si didn't return calls and didn't show up at recitals. I personally hoped you could work this through. Any thoughts as to holding so to the same standards. Honest, she bailed on your kids and if she were behaving like a estranged parent she would have been in touch to make arrangements. She didn't till you saw a monkey. I really hope you keep your ears open and acknowledge his feelings as much as hers.

Last edited by Livingmybestlife; 04-29-2013 at 08:53 PM. Reason: spelling
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  #264  
Old 04-29-2013, 08:53 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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God I hope you know what youre doing.

Are they going to be giving the opportunity to prepare? Or is it going to be a surprise...like an intervention ?


If it's going to be forced I see this as possibly going sideways form the prospective of ....YOU "deciding" on a course of action "again." this summit ... You getting schedules and deciding a 3 parent dynamic is whats best ...You acting as mediator. AND then the blow back from all the past decisions " you " made which got you all there in the first place. How much of makes shut down (wakening ) is also a rebellion of you getting to decide ?

I get why you want and need to do this but I see the potential for another blow out ...and this one will be directed right at you. Someone (Matt ) might think "you're doing it again " you didnt hear me... "I told you I dont want a relationship with her and so I don't need to apologize and make nice....plus I didn't do anything wrong. And on and on we go.


I thought there was a level of volatility still, wasnt that one of the points your father try to convey.

Could you run this idea past your counselor see if he or she sees any major flags with it.

However cooler heads might prevail and they both might welcome you efforts ...either way GOOD luck.
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  #265  
Old 04-29-2013, 10:07 PM
Matt Matt is offline
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I haven't been on here in weeks. Popping in to check messages and skim. I just wanted to comment on some things. I'm still trying to figure out why she needs to be involved in the raising of our kids. Nobody can seem to tell me what it is that she contributes. She does a couple of tasks, and suddenly she's mother of the year material? Yeah, right. What a joke. I didn't realise parents could choose when to parent their kids. I'm going to be a dad from M-W, and I'm off for the rest of the week. I know the Mrs. would blow a fuse if I stepped to her and said that.

My irritation with Snowflake increased to an insurmountable level when she blew off my kid more than once. I don't play that. That's not cool. I feel like my wife is giving me hell because I'm alienating the non-parent. She had no contact with them by her own choice. What were the consequences of that? Nothing. I had to be psychoanalysed by another shrink. He got an earful from me. Man, you're not going to play me like I'm the culprit and overlook what Snowflake did.

Call me overprotective. I may be dead tired, mad, or irritated, but that won't stop me from being a competent parent and being there for them. She was upset? So what? Life happened and tossed some waves and heavy currents. Find a safe harbour and keep it moving. Why would I want somebody flaky around my kids? The last thing they need is a wanna-be "parent" disappointing them. It's part of my job to protect them and shield them, and I stand firm in my belief that they need to be shielded from her. What has she done to prove that's earned that coveted mother title? Sleeping with my wife and being in a relationship with her isn't enough to warrant a relationship with my kids of that magnitude. That is a privilege. Not a right. A right that should have been discussed with me. My time was already divided before my kids entered the world. Every time I think about it, I get mad. Had my wife listened to me years ago, this bullshit wouldn't be happening now.

She's not going to be around my kids. I haven't seen a thing that even implies that she's even committed to it full-time. Part-time mother just isn't going to cut it. My kids will be fine with or without her. I don't care about her feelings. Call me cold or mean. That's not part of my job description. Perhaps if she hadn't been trying to replace me and push me out like I was donor #00153, we wouldn't be in this predicament.

I'll talk to the precious one. She's in for a rude awakening because I'm not backing down on the parenting issue. My Mrs. is now aware of my terms for this meet and greet. They have been negotiated, and she's not in control of this. I have been heard, so I don't have a problem. Therapy might be working. I'll apologise because I should've walked away instead of letting the argument escalate to the point of me kicking her out of the house that day. I may apologise for some other things if it feels right. That's all I'm agreeing to.

I'm not being forced into doing anything. I was forced into accepting this arrangement, but I won't be forced into accepting her as a "parent" or anything else that I disagree with. I'm standing my ground with no intentions of backing down. It's what it is.

Last edited by Matt; 04-29-2013 at 10:18 PM.
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  #266  
Old 04-29-2013, 11:01 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I'm just going to point out two contradictions.

1) You're saying that she doesn't deserve to be treated as someone important to your kids because she wasn't around full-time. And yet the crux of your issue with her, when the issue began surfacing, was that you felt she was around way too much.

2) You say you're protecting the kids from her because she flaked out for a while after the breakup. You left your house for two weeks during that same time, leaving them to be raised by a single parent.
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  #267  
Old 04-29-2013, 11:17 PM
Matt Matt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I'm just going to point out two contradictions.

1) You're saying that she doesn't deserve to be treated as someone important to your kids because she wasn't around full-time. And yet the crux of your issue with her, when the issue began surfacing, was that you felt she was around way too much.

2) You say you're protecting the kids from her because she flaked out for a while after the breakup. You left your house for two weeks during that same time, leaving them to be raised by a single parent.
Being around on and off isn't what a parent does. That's what she did. There's no contradiction. She decided to increase her motherly duties. By choosing, I mean selecting when to be there. Nope, I'm not calling her a parent. Selective parenting. Where's that acceptable or cool? How many parents get to pick and choose when they want to be one? I signed up to do this until I take my last breath.

I did leave. One time. It wasn't a habit. I wasn't in the state of mind to stay a minute longer. You want the truth? My wife got on my nerves, and it wasn't like we had a marriage any more. I couldn't stand to be around her. She knows it. Why do you think divorce rolled off my tongue so easily? We weren't talking. We were arguing over every little thing. Our kids picked up on it, and it wasn't a loving or stable environment. She still wasn't listening to me, was still too wrapped up in her relationship, and I couldn't take it anymore, so I left. I hated being away from my kids, but I despised being around her even more. I kept in contact with them and never said a word to her the entire first week I was gone. Sad truth, but it was reality.
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  #268  
Old 04-29-2013, 11:20 PM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt View Post
I haven't been on here in weeks. Popping in to check messages and skim. I just wanted to comment on some things. I'm still trying to figure out why she needs to be involved in the raising of our kids. Nobody can seem to tell me what it is that she contributes. She does a couple of tasks, and suddenly she's mother of the year material? Yeah, right. What a joke. I didn't realise parents could choose when to parent their kids. I'm going to be a dad from M-W, and I'm off for the rest of the week. I know the Mrs. would blow a fuse if I stepped to her and said that.

My irritation with Snowflake increased to an insurmountable level when she blew off my kid more than once. I don't play that. That's not cool. I feel like my wife is giving me hell because I'm alienating the non-parent. She had no contact with them by her own choice. What were the consequences of that? Nothing. I had to be psychoanalysed by another shrink. He got an earful from me. Man, you're not going to play me like I'm the culprit and overlook what Snowflake did.

Call me overprotective. I may be dead tired, mad, or irritated, but that won't stop me from being a competent parent and being there for them. She was upset? So what? Life happened and tossed some waves and heavy currents. Find a safe harbour and keep it moving. Why would I want somebody flaky around my kids? The last thing they need is a wanna-be "parent" disappointing them. It's part of my job to protect them and shield them, and I stand firm in my belief that they need to be shielded from her. What has she done to prove that's earned that coveted mother title? Sleeping with my wife and being in a relationship with her isn't enough to warrant a relationship with my kids of that magnitude. That is a privilege. Not a right. A right that should have been discussed with me. My time was already divided before my kids entered the world. Every time I think about it, I get mad. Had my wife listened to me years ago, this bullshit wouldn't be happening now.

She's not going to be around my kids. I haven't seen a thing that even implies that she's even committed to it full-time. Part-time mother just isn't going to cut it. My kids will be fine with or without her. I don't care about her feelings. Call me cold or mean. That's not part of my job description. Perhaps if she hadn't been trying to replace me and push me out like I was donor #00153, we wouldn't be in this predicament.

I'll talk to the precious one. She's in for a rude awakening because I'm not backing down on the parenting issue. My Mrs. is now aware of my terms for this meet and greet. They have been negotiated, and she's not in control of this. I have been heard, so I don't have a problem. Therapy might be working. I'll apologise because I should've walked away instead of letting the argument escalate to the point of me kicking her out of the house that day. I may apologise for some other things if it feels right. That's all I'm agreeing to.

I'm not being forced into doing anything. I was forced into accepting this arrangement, but I won't be forced into accepting her as a "parent" or anything else that I disagree with. I'm standing my ground with no intentions of backing down. It's what it is.
BOTH of you don't need to air this out in a forum. Don't do it. Talk to one another - instead of at each other here. Don't continue, for your own sakes.

Show some maturity, don't become fodder for online drama fans.
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  #269  
Old 04-29-2013, 11:26 PM
Matt Matt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeystyle View Post
BOTH of you don't need to air this out in a forum. Don't do it. Talk to one another - instead of at each other here. Don't continue, for your own sakes.

Show some maturity, don't become fodder for online drama fans.
There's no drama. We've already talked about it. I'm not a fan of being painted as the villain, so I spoke up for myself. No biggie. There's no confusion because it's coming from me. My thoughts and words. I'm owning them.
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  #270  
Old 04-29-2013, 11:29 PM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt View Post
There's no drama. We've already talked about it. I'm not a fan of being painted as the villain, so I spoke up for myself. No biggie. There's no confusion because it's coming from me. My thoughts and words. I'm owning them.
Yeah, usually you'll find that you can't undo a perception that's already been 'painted'. Most of the time, people don't even care about who looks worse. And for those that do care, you might not bother with anyway.
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