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  #251  
Old 04-28-2013, 02:22 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Yeah, that is what is going on. The actual date of celebration is 30 April, but the Museum of Childhood and other supporters organised this weekend. It has been really nice.

Last night was a fluke. I was not backing out of my plans, and even though my intent was not to stick it to him. He is probably pissed today. He is not killing my good mood.

Joining us today for the festivities. She saw our son last night, but our daughter was with him. He may be trying to kill the connection. I am not, so I invited her to lunch with us. I am sure that is going to piss him off. We had a very nice lunch, and she was able to see our daughter.

He is being ridiculous. Somebody has to be the sane one. What can he really say? He was not around, so there was no infringing on his time, violating his space, and she was not in our home. I like going toe to toe with Matt.

He texted me and told me where they were. I am sure he said it, but my daughter was talking my ear off. I remember acknowledging what he said, though. I caught the time they would be back.
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  #252  
Old 04-28-2013, 04:10 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I said earlier I can not relate to your luxurious lifestyle, but I CAN relate to having a passive aggressive husband. I had one, for 30 years. We went to SO much therapy. It didn't do much. I finally broke up with him after decades together and 3 children (one of whom is mentally ill and needs on going care), because of his poor communication. It's a bitch. He looked a little more into his issues after we broke up, but when we talk (about the divorce settlement, about the kids) I don't see much change, and he's 59 so I don't expect much in years to come.

What are your festivities tonight that you want Si to come to? What would be the consequences if you just kept having her over? Matt is being so all or nothing. Would he threaten divorce again? Sheesh. Tread carefully.

In a non-poly topic, I've been curious, since I am a lactation counselor, you said you are still breastfeeding the baby? First of all, good for you, still going at almost 12 months. Secondly, though, how did you manage to do that with all the traveling you did since he was born? You used your "nursing card" as you said, for the lunch date with Si, but surely if you could leave Baby to go to other countries for long weekends, that card isn't all that valid?
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me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #253  
Old 04-28-2013, 06:12 PM
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Is Matt the type to resist what he doesn't want at first, then after some prodding say "Okay," and start "saving it up against you for some future time?" Could that be happening here, or is this just general stubbornness?
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  #254  
Old 04-28-2013, 06:52 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I said earlier I can not relate to your luxurious lifestyle, but I CAN relate to having a passive aggressive husband. I had one, for 30 years. We went to SO much therapy. It didn't do much. I finally broke up with him after decades together and 3 children (one of whom is mentally ill and needs on going care), because of his poor communication. It's a bitch. He looked a little more into his issues after we broke up, but when we talk (about the divorce settlement, about the kids) I don't see much change, and he's 59 so I don't expect much in years to come.

What are your festivities tonight that you want Si to come to? What would be the consequences if you just kept having her over? Matt is being so all or nothing. Would he threaten divorce again? Sheesh. Tread carefully.

In a non-poly topic, I've been curious, since I am a lactation counselor, you said you are still breastfeeding the baby? First of all, good for you, still going at almost 12 months. Secondly, though, how did you manage to do that with all the traveling you did since he was born? You used your "nursing card" as you said, for the lunch date with Si, but surely if you could leave Baby to go to other countries for long weekends, that card isn't all that valid?
I wish my life was luxurious. I am actually cheap as hell. You would be surprised. I love a good sale and a deal. I use Groupon like every single day. I love high street as well as lux designers. I will never pay full price for anything, though. I use MyHabit, Ventee Prive, the Outnet, etc. faithfully. We choose to enjoy the fruits of our labour now as opposed to waiting until we choose to retire. You cannot take it with you when you pass away, and as long as household and general expenses are paid, our children are taken care of, money has been put in savings or wherever (education fund, holiday fund, etc.), we can indulge a little.

The only time I travelled considerably was January-March. All the trips were pretty short and usually consisted of long weekends. I would pump up until I left and refrigerate or freeze the milk. My lactation consultant said the milk was able to be stored in refrigerator for around eight days, but I never tested that out. The longest was a few days. I have plenty of friends who are business travellers and nursing, so their tips came in handy as well.

When I was travelling, I would usually leave Thursday night and return on Sunday. There were a couple of times where I was gone the entire week. When I was gone, I just shipped my milk home. I had the pump with me and pumped about six times in a one day span. I froze the milk, used dry ice, and shipped it overnight. He is only drinking 16-19 oz per day now. He has milk with breakfast, lunch, dinner, and then a little before bed time. His schedule is pretty consistent. Solid foods are becoming more and more part of his daily eating habits, so the milk is more of a supplement now. There were times he was with me, too. If it was relatively close, both of my children were with me.

I will probably go beyond 12 months. I am not sure I will go to the extreme of extended nursing to age three or four, but I do plan on exclusively pumping for an unspecified amount of time. It is TBD.

Yesterday was truly a fluke. I had not pumped any milk, and the best time for me is in the morning or when it is quiet and I can focus. I just was not still long enough. He was still drinking from the milk that I had pumped at various times during Friday, so it worked out. He went through most of it, so the nursing card was valid. I just did not have time to pump, and he was going to be looking for it at some point. He did shortly before he went to sleep on the way to Si's home.

Consequences? Who knows? If I invite her over, he will more than likely ask her to leave or put her out, and I am sure it will start an argument between them and eventually between us. The last time our children were not around for the argument, but they are here right now. I am just not sure it would be worth the hell of inviting her over.

He is all or nothing. He thinks about what he wants to say, and then, he will come to me and tell me exactly what he really thinks or feels about whatever the issue is. I am just waiting for him to come to me regarding Si being around our son last night and our daughter today. (I am sure my daughter told him about her joining us for lunch. She was excited.) He is in his office, and I am in the kitchen working on dinner. He has been in there for a couple of hours. I already know what he is going to say something because he is pissed off, which is probably why he is alone right now.
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  #255  
Old 04-28-2013, 08:38 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Is Matt the type to resist what he doesn't want at first, then after some prodding say "Okay," and start "saving it up against you for some future time?" Could that be happening here, or is this just general stubbornness?
Stubbornness. It is not in his character to use things against me. This time might be different because I have been going against him. I am sure it will not be ending here. He seems like he would not do anything and just let my worry myself to distraction wondering when or if he is going to do anything. That alone is probably more than enough for him. I am taking the indifference with a grain of salt. Nothing is that simple with Matt.
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  #256  
Old 04-28-2013, 10:00 PM
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So he is probably not indifferent, even if he is putting on an appearance of being indifferent? Does he tend to sublimate his emotions (particularly the negative ones) so that things seem to be calm on the surface?

I wonder if there isn't a combination here, of, "Well when I do say something I'm not listened to anyhow," and, "I'm not comfortable expressing myself in the first place." What I mean is, maybe there are multiple things at work that discourage him (or serve as excuses) from expressing anything riskier than indifference. Sharing emotion is, after all, always a risk.
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  #257  
Old 04-29-2013, 01:04 AM
cosmicsunshine cosmicsunshine is offline
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I am at the point where I am sick of hearing about how unfair all of this is to my ex and about how I am still getting shit wrong.
There is no right and wrong way to handle this situation your in, everyone is different so every situation is different. I think your doing the best you possibly can for you and your children. Only you can decided that. I admire the strength you have, especially given how underfire you have been here, in a place you should feel safe. My heart breaks for you and I hope that in time you and your family mend.

Stay strong sister!!!
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  #258  
Old 04-29-2013, 01:30 AM
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Thanks for explaining about how you are breastfeeding and pumping for Baby! I was always too lazy to pump if Baby was in the house, myself.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #259  
Old 04-29-2013, 05:00 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
So he is probably not indifferent, even if he is putting on an appearance of being indifferent? Does he tend to sublimate his emotions (particularly the negative ones) so that things seem to be calm on the surface?

I wonder if there isn't a combination here, of, "Well when I do say something I'm not listened to anyhow," and, "I'm not comfortable expressing myself in the first place." What I mean is, maybe there are multiple things at work that discourage him (or serve as excuses) from expressing anything riskier than indifference. Sharing emotion is, after all, always a risk.
He used to do that. Nu-Matt is on something entirely different. His non-verbal actions are saying everything. His body language is showing his true feelings. Not talking to me, not sleeping in our bed, not eating dinner with us last night, and preferring to be in isolation. I know when he is upset, and he is right now. Despite his appearance of indifference, I know the real deal, and nothing is calm.

Part of the problem is I am still going against Matt, so it seems like I am not listening to him, which is how we got to where we are now. That is doing nothing to rebuild the trust. It is probably decreasing it if anything.

In the past 12 hours, I can count the number of words he has said to me. The only reason he even said anything to me was because he got called into work last night. All he said was, "I have to go in," proceeded to get dressed, and left. I was sleep when he came in, but I do know he did not sleep in our bedroom. His side of the bed was untouched when I woke up this morning.

When he walked into the kitchen, I tried to initiate a conversation with him a little while ago. I barely got a good morning out of him. I could tell he was not in the mood to talk, so I left him be and brought my tea upstairs with me.

When/if he decides to come to me, I will be here.
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  #260  
Old 04-29-2013, 07:10 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Good morning. It has been a busy and interesting morning, and I have not even left the house, yet. Matt is not exactly talking to me. I knew he was pissed off. I think he was happy that he was on call and got called in last night. I am not entirely clear on when he came in. He was being vague and kind of shrugged it off when I asked. He also chose not to sleep in our bedroom last night. Imagine my surprise when I realised his side of the bed had not been touched.

I knew this weekend would bite me, and it is coming in the form of him shutting down and isolating. I walked into the kitchen this morning. We exchanged good mornings. I tried to talk to him. Just small talk while I was making tea, right? Hmmph. He was not into it. I want to reach out to Matt because I do care about his feelings. I have to remember that when in counselling and undergoing changes, setbacks are bound to happen. Eventually we will bounce back faster, but we are still in the beginning stages.

In other [happier] news, I received a video update and picture update of the renovations currently being done on our new home. We talk to them quite a bit, and they send an e-mail full of pictures, so that we can see the week to week progress. They are ahead of schedule, and I received a full video tour. It did make me smile and put me at ease.

I was worried about a long-distance renovation, but we have a skilled architect and team who have been honest all throughout. I know Matt checked on things when he was there last month. It helps having that person on-site keeping tabs on things and making sure everything gets done. I appreciate each and every person who has been part of this process.

When we started our home search, we were not sure what we were looking for. We had a few general ideas. We knew we wanted outdoor space for our children. We knew we wanted plenty of space in case we decided to expand our family in the future. We knew we wanted to stay in more of a suburb. When we first saw our new home, I fell in love with it. There were two other opinions that had to be included, so we discussed it. Once we made a decision, several months ago, I had already made a list of things I wanted to change.

The owner's taste was too out there and lacked the minimalistic, contemporary style we all like. I just felt like the entire look was outdated. Less was definitely more. We all agreed on themes/vibe and to incorporate the use of bolder colours. Reds, oranges, pinks, greens, and the likes of those. I dislike dreary, drab homes that only have eggshell coloured walls, no paintings, or nothing that sets them apart. I love bold prints, colours, paintings, and bespoke furniture. I also love antiques.

Matt gave me free reign to change everything I wanted. I consulted with him, and he gave his input. Si did as well. (More on that in a minute.) We figured out a budget with a 25% cushion. We are actually still under budget, so that is a happy, happy thing!

The changes...

I wanted to rid the entire first floor of those fugly coffered ceiling panels. I wanted to upgrade the security system. Matt wanted to rid of any carpet. Carpet + allergies = a mess. We all envisioned something without the use of heavy fabrics and decorative, overpriced furniture that was not conducive to having small children. I prefer to utilise natural light, so I wanted to replace the windows. We wanted to change the colours of the walls. I wanted to gut the entire kitchen. The way it was just did not work for me. The kitchen is my happy place, and it was like *thumbs down.* I wanted to add wood beams to the arched ceilings. I wanted a master closet that I could live with. Our master suite had a closet, but it was not doing it for me. Right next door there was a nursery and another bedroom. We decided to combine those two bedrooms and make them into a real master closet. Our son's new room is now down the hall from ours. Plus, it is a much larger room, and it will work out nicely as he gets older.

Before all of the changes happened recently and before Si started backing out, we had decided to try cohabitation after the move. It did not work with us trying it before because there was too much going on around us. It is hard to go from living on your own to living with four other people. Two of whom were small children. Major difference.

It probably would have worked because she would have had her own flat on the grounds of the home. The property featured a mother-in-law/secondary suite, which was a selling point. (The previous owners built it when the wife's mother needed to be closer due to increasing age and safety reasons. It was part of the home but separate so they she could still have privacy and feel like she was on her own.)

Si was going to live in that flat/suite, so she was actively involved in all the decisions regarding the renovations of it. There were three rooms connected to the suite that served no purpose to us, so we decided to expand the bathroom, add a soak tub, replace the walk in shower, turn the kitchenette into a full kitchen with a breakfast bar, and the remaining space would have been for a living room. We also decided to change out the fireplace and stain the mantel that were in the MIL suite. They have finished with most of it, and once the furniture is in there, it is going to be fabulous.

There were about nine pages worth of renovations when we finished, but I can say that being at a distance was probably for the best. In my case, I had to give up control and appoint people I could trust. There was an issue with the cabinets in the suite, and it was being handled by the time word got back to me. They were not closing properly, and instead of leaving it like that, they fixed the issue. I was not able to micromanage, and they are ahead of schedule. We also will not have to share our home with contractors once we move in. I am glad they are doing the work now. We probably would have been staying in a temporary home if we had waited.

They have been working diligently and doing a beautiful job. I look forward to moving into our new home in a few short months.

This renovation is similar to my life. The core of the home was gutted, but the foundation and frame are still standing. Once it is complete, it will be better than before. I do miss the days of us being happier and more relaxed. We will get back to that point.

I am actually relatively happy. I am bummed that Matt is not exactly in the best mood today. That sucks. I am actually on Skype with Si and filling her in about the renovations and the latest happenings. I do wish she would decide to move, but she has to make that decision. It sucks that she was such an active part in the plans for the new home, but she will not be there to enjoy or see the completion.

I am off to finish cooking breakfast for my children and spend some time with them before I go to work.

Ry

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 04-29-2013 at 07:36 AM.
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