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  #221  
Old 04-26-2013, 03:11 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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You may not be totally aware (and it may be that this is just a perception from reading what you and Matt have written). But - I get the impression that you are all changing your minds and making new decisions frequently and without much time for deep thought.

First of all, you, Matt, Si and your children were all going to move together.

Then Si had a problem with that and you wanted to put it on hold.

Matt had a problem with that. He left for a while and during that time was talking about divorce and custody battles.

Matt came back to you, thinking he needed to find a way to accommodate Si in your life but not in his.

You broke up with Si to concentrate on your marriage and initially she and you weren't speaking at all.

Then you went to your friend's wedding and she and you started talking and rebuilding a relationship.

For a while Si was seeing the kids and she and Matt were avoiding talking. That seemed to be okay.

Suddenly it's not okay. Matt isn't happy, Si isn't happy. Another new decision is made - Si must be cut off from the kids.

It feels to me like you guys are all swinging around, making conflicting decisions very quickly and not taking time to think them through. You all seem to be seeking ways to make the pain stop. You can't. This pain is pain that you must go through. You and Matt must deal with the damage to your marriage. Si must deal with losing her partner. You must deal with losing your partner. Grief can't be swept away by cutting people out of your life, by deciding to work on relationships, by anything.

Common advice while grieving is to make no big decisions or major life changes for about 6 months after the incident that caused the grief.

In your shoes - I'd hold off moving to the other side of the world, I'd work on marriage rebuilding and friendship rebuilding and I'd make sure that there was no additional grief to any new people - so I would act as a go between for Si and kids as neither Matt nor Si seem able to do it themselves. And I'd do the things I find comforting when I'm sad to help me cope with what I had to go through.

That would be pretty much it for at least 6 months.

Grief sucks and it happens to everybody and there isn't a fast way through it.

IP
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  #222  
Old 04-26-2013, 03:46 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I seriously do not know what is right. On the one hand, I am two months from completing my fellowship, and I have the job of my dreams lined up. This has been a driving force in continuing with the plans. I was offered the position of Consultant here, and that is not what I want to do once I finish. I did not give three years of my time to sit in an office and work with a handful of antenatal patients. I want to be hands on. This new job is going to give me that chance. On the other hand, things have changed over the past two months. My ex and the said third parent has opted not to move. Matt and I are in counselling. He is preventing her from being involved, so on top of losing us, she is losing them, too. I have thought about all of these things. I still cannot decide what is for the best. Should we stay here, or should we go?

I realise we could not have picked a more distant place. I was not banking on all these changes happening now. I think it could be for the best. Imagine if this had happened in June or July. I am relieved it happened when it did.

I cannot figure out what it is that I am feeling, but part of me feels guilty for even wanting to continue pursuing my dreams. It looks bad. "Her relationship just ended, and she is moving 16k km away and taking the children Si loves as her own. Oh, and that husband of hers is depriving them of saying good-bye and not even acting like he ever dated her or had a friendship with her, too. He is stubborn. Si has lost her family and relationships." I know. It is all bad and terrible.

I wish I could say I knew how to solve this. I do not, and I do welcome feedback. I know I bombed in the communication department. No need to tell me. I could have done a better job. We all could have. I know I was wrong for not listening to Matt. The thing is Matt was honest in the beginning. He flat out said that he could not promise me that he would always be okay with it. He said he would try. The catch was I had to remember our relationship and subsequent marriage had needs and that just because the relationship was established did not mean I could forget about it and be complacent. I did all of that. Si wanted more of my time and attention. She did not ask for it from both of us. She took it upon herself to take the time. That was not the right approach. It should have been discussed via e-mailed or whatever. Hindsight is insight.

We are entering month two of the fallout. I see some positive steps forward, but the negativity from their issues is still affecting my marriage. He never says her name or anything about her unless it is brought to him. Even then, it is short and a programmed response. No emotion behind it.

I know my husband is still mad at me about certain things. He is slowly forgiving me. I know Matt is difficult and stubborn. He is not perfect, but I still love him. My behaviour and conduct helped push him to his breaking point. We all have points where we just cannot take anymore. It is part of being human. I do not think he is a bad person by any stretch. He is still hurting, and his behaviour proves that.

Matt is not big on verbally expressing his feelings. I gave him an idea. He used to write me the most beautiful love letters. Since he opts not to address certain things, he has agreed to write me a letter expressing everything he has ever felt. I just want him to be honest with himself and me. I brought up my idea in counselling. Our counsellor suggested that he write one to Si, but he does not have to give it to her yet or ever. He does not have to show it to me either. I just want him to have a healthy outlet. I am going to write them both letters as well. I did this after my great-grandmother passed away. It made me feel better once all those feelings were out. I was mad at her for passing away. I never realised that was why I could not cry, visit her grave, or even grieve. When I started that letter this year, I shed tears with every stroke of the pen. I believe this might help Matt. I think I might encourage Si to do the same. All this anger and hostility is not healthy for either of them.

I never know what to expect when the sun rises and sets every day, but I am still hopeful. Things always have a way of working out.
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  #223  
Old 04-26-2013, 04:19 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
You may not be totally aware (and it may be that this is just a perception from reading what you and Matt have written). But - I get the impression that you are all changing your minds and making new decisions frequently and without much time for deep thought.

First of all, you, Matt, Si and your children were all going to move together.

Then Si had a problem with that and you wanted to put it on hold.

Matt had a problem with that. He left for a while and during that time was talking about divorce and custody battles.

Matt came back to you, thinking he needed to find a way to accommodate Si in your life but not in his.

You broke up with Si to concentrate on your marriage and initially she and you weren't speaking at all.

Then you went to your friend's wedding and she and you started talking and rebuilding a relationship.

For a while Si was seeing the kids and she and Matt were avoiding talking. That seemed to be okay.

Suddenly it's not okay. Matt isn't happy, Si isn't happy. Another new decision is made - Si must be cut off from the kids.

It feels to me like you guys are all swinging around, making conflicting decisions very quickly and not taking time to think them through. You all seem to be seeking ways to make the pain stop. You can't. This pain is pain that you must go through. You and Matt must deal with the damage to your marriage. Si must deal with losing her partner. You must deal with losing your partner. Grief can't be swept away by cutting people out of your life, by deciding to work on relationships, by anything.

Common advice while grieving is to make no big decisions or major life changes for about 6 months after the incident that caused the grief.

In your shoes - I'd hold off moving to the other side of the world, I'd work on marriage rebuilding and friendship rebuilding and I'd make sure that there was no additional grief to any new people - so I would act as a go between for Si and kids as neither Matt nor Si seem able to do it themselves. And I'd do the things I find comforting when I'm sad to help me cope with what I had to go through.

That would be pretty much it for at least 6 months.

Grief sucks and it happens to everybody and there isn't a fast way through it.

IP
It seems likes decisions are being made in haste. We realise when things are not working and something must change. It is trial and error.

I am tired of being the go-between. They wore me out. There are not enough hours in the day or enough shots of espresso to make me have enough strength to deal with that anymore. For my own sanity, I cannot do it. It was stressing me out. I had to step back.

I am not grieving or even in any pain. I will grieve later. It may seem odd, but that is how I operate. I am frustrated and tired. Eventually it will hit me. Now is just not the time. I will process it and deal with it accordingly.

I did not grieve for the way my life used to be. Eventually everything will hit me, and I am sure it will hurt when it does.

I feel like I can work on my marriage and my friendship with her even if I am not right there with her. Maybe I am trying to do too much and making decisions that I will regret in the end. I really do not know. I accept that things have changed. I am just not sure if staying here will make much of a difference one way or the other. Maybe I am grieving in my own way and not making the best decisions. That could be so.
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  #224  
Old 04-26-2013, 04:25 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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If the move was a new decision, I would agree to put it on hold. However, if I understand, you guys have spent nearly a year in preparing for this move (including lining up jobs, housing, etc), so I don't think putting it off should even be considered. The move was well planned out prior to all the emotional upheaval. In fact it was the last minute discussion of possibly NOT moving that set off all the explosions.

I remember the "marriage recovery" stages well. Periods of great highs and horrific lows, many times within days of each other. When the lows hit, it brings with it all the worst gut wrenching feelings, like all the worst times are piling up on each other all at once. With us, as time went on, the lows still hit as hard, but it was easier and easier to climb out of them and find resolutions faster.
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  #225  
Old 04-26-2013, 06:32 PM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Re-read quite a few posts and had a smattering of thoughts and reactions in a stream of consciousness way:


Not to be obtuse or anything, but why does anything need to be addressed anytime soon (aside from the move)?

Your husband is who he is, and not changing about his feelings towards her.

Your ex is the same, and obviously will want more time again if you end up back together.

The state you're in right now looks like you're analyzing everything into the dirt, which never goes well.

Get away for a little while. You don't need answers to all your problems, when you think about the root causes. Because there aren't any 'fixing answers' and aren't going to be. Things will evolve over time if you continue living life to the fullest, and the situations will change. Always does.

My advice is: stick to your personal commitments. Don't run in place via the cliched 'paralysis by analysis'. It's unhealthy, builds resentment and depletes energy. Things you are already aware of.

Are you waiting for life to happen, or even worse for someone to tell you what you should do? Doesn't seem like your style.

This is not a complex situation, just one you don't like. Your mind is making it bigger than it is. Waiting for it to resolve itself while you idle in a mentally neutral gear makes me giggle a bit, as you seem much too intelligent to think that way.

You're all adults, accountable for actions and beholden to children. In the end you're going to do what's best for you, because that's likely also what's best for the children if you're a responsible human being (which you seem to be).

Accept this situation as expected, and find a way to live within it. And get back to doing what you do best.
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  #226  
Old 04-26-2013, 06:54 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeystyle View Post
Re-read quite a few posts and had a smattering of thoughts and reactions in a stream of consciousness way:


Not to be obtuse or anything, but why does anything need to be addressed anytime soon (aside from the move)?

Your husband is who he is, and not changing about his feelings towards her.

Your ex is the same, and obviously will want more time again if you end up back together.

The state you're in right now looks like you're analyzing everything into the dirt, which never goes well.

Get away for a little while. You don't need answers to all your problems, when you think about the root causes. Because there aren't any 'fixing answers' and aren't going to be. Things will evolve over time if you continue living life to the fullest, and the situations will change. Always does.

My advice is: stick to your personal commitments. Don't run in place via the cliched 'paralysis by analysis'. It's unhealthy, builds resentment and depletes energy. Things you are already aware of.

Are you waiting for life to happen, or even worse for someone to tell you what you should do? Doesn't seem like your style.

This is not a complex situation, just one you don't like. Your mind is making it bigger than it is. Waiting for it to resolve itself while you idle in a mentally neutral gear makes me giggle a bit, as you seem much too intelligent to think that way.

You're all adults, accountable for actions and beholden to children. In the end you're going to do what's best for you, because that's likely also what's best for the children if you're a responsible human being (which you seem to be).

Accept this situation as expected, and find a way to live within it. And get back to doing what you do best.
Thank you for this. It made me smile. My life is going on. I was stuck in certain areas, but I realised life stops for no one. In keeping with my attitude to live life to the absolute fullest, I have to do what is best for my family as well as myself.

I know my career is stalled here, and I would be a hypocrite if I encouraged my children to pursue their dreams 50% of the way. That is where I am. My dreams are too big for this place, so I am changing it.

I thought about stopping, but I know my husband and I know my ex. I could wait, and nothing would change. He feels the way he feels and nothing is going to make him change. He is entitled to have feelings and be firm in what he needs. I am okay with that and then some. I know Matt is stubborn. I knew from about day two.

I am happy right now. A wave of happiness came over me, and it feels great. Physically, I am much better. My thoughts have calmed down. I am peaceful for now. I have been doing what I do best all along. I will not allow myself to be depressed or down and out for extended periods of time. I have moments of reflection, but then, I realise that everything could be worse. I am a naturally happy person. I am that freakishly cheerful person at like 7 in the morning, who is beaming and glowing for no reason. That is me. I miss being like that. I am getting back to that point.
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  #227  
Old 04-26-2013, 07:13 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default Seriously?!

I was willing to consider a nursery, but the prices are insane. All facilities were required by law to hire more staff in early 2011-2012, and they had to increase the prices to accommodate the need for the new staff. The other part to this law includes rebates and and 4.5 months of paid maternity leave for a certain income bracket. It has benefits, so I guess the law is not all bad.

At one facility, I was quoted $130 AUD per day. If he goes five days a week, that is a staggering $2600 AUD per month. Are they bloody serious? $31,200 AUD/year for him to be in a nursery?! For that amount, he better be going to university. Come off it! This centre has a waiting list of 1 1/2-2 years! People are paying that willingly and waiting to do so? I cannot see doing that. It would hurt my heart to pay tuition every week or however often.

The ones that are considered cheaper are half that cost. That is fairly reasonable. I would not complain about that. Spending 31k is out of the question and not even an option. This I can say with certainty. Matt might fall out if I tell him that.

We do need to talk when he gets home. We need to see which option is more cost effective.
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  #228  
Old 04-26-2013, 07:28 PM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I was willing to consider a nursery, but the prices are insane. All facilities were required by law to hire more staff in early 2011-2012, and they had to increase the prices to accommodate the need for the new staff. The other part to this law includes rebates and and 4.5 months of paid maternity leave for a certain income bracket. It has benefits, so I guess the law is not all bad.

At one facility, I was quoted $130 AUD per day. If he goes five days a week, that is a staggering $2600 AUD per month. Are they bloody serious? $31,200 AUD/year for him to be in a nursery?! For that amount, he better be going to university. Come off it! This centre has a waiting list of 1 1/2-2 years! People are paying that willingly and waiting to do so? I cannot see doing that. It would hurt my heart to pay tuition every week or however often.

The ones that are considered cheaper are half that cost. That is fairly reasonable. I would not complain about that. Spending 31k is out of the question and not even an option. This I can say with certainty. Matt might fall out if I tell him that.

We do need to talk when he gets home. We need to see which option is more cost effective.
Coming from a legal analyst raised in poverty and sent to abysmal day care(i.e. take this opinion with some salt):

Regardless of cost and provided they have some healthy degree of stimulation, there's not much difference in outcome between gold, silver and bronze level child care. Just parents who are fooled into thinking so.
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  #229  
Old 04-26-2013, 08:18 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeystyle View Post
Coming from a legal analyst raised in poverty and sent to abysmal day care(i.e. take this opinion with some salt):

Regardless of cost and provided they have some healthy degree of stimulation, there's not much difference in outcome between gold, silver and bronze level child care. Just parents who are fooled into thinking so.


That's what i was saying about schools in London (or public vs private schools, since i am going by what i know which is not London. But i am extrapolating.).

Or, to put it another way (everyone get out your rotten tomatoes, i'm about to say something vulgar and offensive) - your kid could get fucked up just as easily at the "good" school(s).
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  #230  
Old 04-26-2013, 08:42 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeystyle View Post
Coming from a legal analyst raised in poverty and sent to abysmal day care(i.e. take this opinion with some salt):

Regardless of cost and provided they have some healthy degree of stimulation, there's not much difference in outcome between gold, silver and bronze level child care. Just parents who are fooled into thinking so.
I can believe that. I have never looked seriously, but now that I am, it seems ridiculous and a total waste. It is a nursery. Not a prep school to prepare him for university. He will be a bit over one when he starts. I wish I would. I know quality is important, but I know we can do better than that.
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