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  #171  
Old 04-23-2013, 11:28 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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He is not changing from week to week, though, and all the blame is not on me. If it was, I would have pulled all of my hair out. He takes responsibility for his part.

With the getting along for the sake of our children situation, Matt genuinely tried. He was committed to doing that because of our child and not another reason. The minute he realised that he could not handle it, I knew about it. From day one, it was like a programmed response, "I am only doing this for her. It does not change anything else." I was expecting him to change, so I am not even surprised. Then again, nothing surprises me these days.

I dread the teenage years. I know how I was during my teenage years, and I know karma is sitting on the edge of age 12 and waiting for 13. It is all going to come back.

I am sure everything was not right, but it had to have been better than what it is now.

I wish I had super powers, so I could zap the hell out of both of them. It would make me feel great.
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  #172  
Old 04-23-2013, 11:40 PM
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Re:
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"I wish I had super powers, so I could zap the hell out of both of them. It would make me feel great."
LOL ...
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  #173  
Old 04-24-2013, 12:01 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
WOW! This a few years ago now (so I'm sure it's more now), but nursery/daycare was $125+/week (90+) and a non-live in nanny was $400-500/week (260-330) plus employer taxes. I didn't ever price out a live-in nanny. The price difference definitely explains why nannies are much more popular in the UK than they are over here. Frankly I'd prefer a nanny to a nursery any day of the week.
There has been an increase recently. I looked at the price breakdown for that facility. All the additional expenses hurt my heart. 150 per quarter as an educational fee. 170 enrolment fee. An additional 10 per hour per child for anything over the standard hours. A late charge if tuition is not paid on the exact due date every week. Another set of late charges if you did not pick them up on time. They give you two key cards to get to the classrooms. Every time you lose one, it is 10 for every replacement card issued. It was like a charge for everything.

I love our nanny. She is the sweetest lady I ever met in my life, and my children love her to pieces. She used to be a teacher, so it is not all fun and games for them either. I always love to hear about her plans for them. She does not let them sit in the house and watch the telly all day. They are active and out learning. They have play dates, but they also visit educational and historical places. She has both of our children in all kinds of classes. My son is involved in music classes with other children his age. My daughter likes museums and anything related to science.

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LOL! I bake when I feel good, but I clean when I'm pissed or worried. Husband goes to the ER for Kidney Stones and while I wait for someone to come watch the kids, I'm cleaning like mad. I tend to vent while doing dishes - had to tell the husband to just let me vent and bang shit around, because when I'm finished I'll feel better.
Banging on stuff is therapeutic. The tell tale sign is when I am cleaning and baking like a mad woman. Matt knows to steer clear. I take my frustration out on the dishes, too. Matt walked in the kitchen one night, and he was like, "You could use the dishwasher." The look I gave him probably pierced his soul.

I have the worst habit of holding things in, and then, I will interrupt his sleep around 2 in the morning, so we can talk about what was supposedly not bothering me when he first asked 12 hours before. I know I am difficult!
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  #174  
Old 04-24-2013, 01:55 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I give up on sleeping. I was tossing and turning anyway. I walked in his nursery, and he was awake. He wants to play at this time of morning. Seriously little duckie? He is fascinated by his feet. I am tired but sleep is not coming easily.

I am so tired of this situation. I have been the strong one since it all fell apart. I am in the middle of two feuding parties. I see how irrationally they are behaving. It is painful to watch. I am staging an intervention. They are wearing me out. They have to talk. If they want to have another yelling match, I am encouraging it. Neither side will ever be able to heal with hatred on their hearts. Maybe I need to get some popcorn and just watch them go at it. Counselling? Not happening. Willingly being around each other? Not working. Harbouring ill feelings? It is getting in the way of parenting. Another confrontation cannot possibly cause much more damage. They are already at odds. He has cut her out of his life. He has banned her from our home. Do either of them have anything to lose?

Natural childbirth was less painful than dealing with them together. I am going to try to put my son back to sleep. I am glad today is a 10 AM day.

Excuse any typos. I hate autocorrect.
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  #175  
Old 04-24-2013, 03:27 AM
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How to stage an intervention? They aren't even willing to meet in the same physical space. You'd have to do it by trickery, tell Matt you and he are seeing the counselor (just you two), and tell Si you and she are seeing the counselor (just you two), and surprise! They both show up, plus you and the counselor. You now have your intervention, unless one or both of them leaves on the spot and will hear no plea. Not to mention now both of them would stop trusting you. Unless the intervention came together like clockwork, and all went well. Yeah, I actually don't think you'd be able to do intervention. God knows one is needed though.

Super powers would work. You could zap both of them into the same location, and let the intervening begin. Sigh
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  #176  
Old 04-24-2013, 07:59 AM
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I sympathize with you. I would've been cracked. You're seeking support outside of marriage counseling, right? I've seen contentious divorced folks force themselves to work together for the greater good.

What happened between them for your husband to despise her? Did something happen that you don't know about? Bring it up during your next appointment. Was she cheating and he found out? Was she pregnant and had an abortion while you were gone? It could be something unforgivable. Who is most of his anger directed at? Your ex. I'm sure your guy is upset about everything that happened, but his actions tell a story that ain't a pretty one. If she was cheating and he came to you with that information, would you have even heard him? I've behaved like your guy, and you know what I was doing? Protecting my sister. We found out something about that good for nothing clown of an ex beau of hers. I knew he wasn't gonna tell her. I thought about not being the one to tell. My mama tried to talk me out of it. She said she'll hate you for it. I was prepared to deal with that. She was always gonna love me. I hesitated on telling for awhile. At first, I wanted to protect her, so I shielded her because I loved her. I became upset with her. How could she be so stupid and not see what's happening? The camel's back broke when I saw him lying to her face. I had to say something. When I did, she called me a liar, told me to take it back, and that she hated me. Better her hating me than our mama.

It sounds like what your guy is doing. He'd rather you hate him instead of tarnishing that image you have of her. Instead of just telling you, he'd rather be triple M or Militant Martyr Matt and deal with you being mad at him later.

I'm not against your idea. You sound exhausted. I can't imagine what it's like. Sometimes trickery is needed. Now me personally, I'd get them to my apartment and handcuff them together. I just watched I Love Lucy, and they were handcuffed together. In all seriousness, you gotta explain what it's doing to you and how much it's hurting you. The two people you love are fighting. They can't even cool it long enough for those babies they love. How sad is that?

Your guy has gotta open up about those feelings towards her or reveal what really went wrong. In the meantime, do what you gotta do, darlin. If you need to put your foot down and say no, do it. Tell your guy what you need. Less stress for sure. Him opening up wouldn't hurt. Reassurance that you're not going it alone. The burden can't be all on you. If he's against her being part of their lives, he's gotta say it like he means it and stand by it. He can't do it for those babies or you anymore. It ain't fair to him because those same patterns are forming again. Same script different cast. You're armed with the knowledge that he ain't game with the plan. You hear him, but you still gotta respect it. It's what he needs. You can empathize with your ex and apologize for this hurting her, but if you want peace at home, this is part of it. Sending some good juju and hugs your way.
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  #177  
Old 04-24-2013, 08:58 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Morning, morning, morning.

Today is going to be a better day than yesterday. I am at work right now. My day does not even start until 10, but I am sitting in my office and getting my thoughts together before I start the day. The good news is my son ended up co-sleeping with us this morning and went back to sleep fairly quickly. I managed to get some sleep, but Starbucks is my best friend this morning.

I appreciate all of the advice, and I am actually taking it. Yesterday was a rough day on all fronts. When he came in, we talked while he was in the shower, and he fell out within no time. I am letting go and letting a higher being take over. I talked to Matt over breakfast. We were alone because our children were already gone. I informed him of my decision. I chose not to give him a say because I see where the same behaviours are presenting themselves, and I have to cut the source before it spreads like an infection. He is 150% against her being part of their lives, so I am severing the ties for the time being. He wants to explain it to our daughter. I am sure she is not going to take it well, but we have to do what is necessary.

We have counselling tomorrow, and there are things that need to be discussed. I think we might need an extra hour. Like anything else, we have highs and lows. Last week was all highs. I am just really down this week, so it feels like a week of lows. Facing this every single day would sadden even the strongest person. I know all of the work that we are putting in is necessary, but that does not make this any easier. I see glimpses of hope and positive improvements. Writing helps, but I am losing the heart for that and wanting to isolate, keep everything inside, and comfort myself. I guess I need to keep holding on.
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  #178  
Old 04-24-2013, 03:13 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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The universe is conspiring against me. Someone rear ended me and left the scene. Now, my back is sore. I am in disbelief. This is one way to force me to slow down.
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  #179  
Old 04-24-2013, 03:34 PM
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I haven't posted on here in a very long time , for many different reasons, but I've been following this and I have to say as a "Secondary" who's been Veto'd by a very selfish, insecure "Primary" that as FRIEND, as A LOVER, as a PARTNER, as a HUMAN.. the way you both have treated Si is disgusting.

Who cares that she isn't a biological parent?? She's been there since DAY 1.
Would you banish an Aunt or Uncle or Cousin?

She has been around as long as Matt has?!

So you're not married to her (why, because in the UK that wasn't legal??)
So you don't have biological children with her... (because that's impossible!)

But it shouldn't mean that she matters less.

So Matt made mistakes in not speaking up more effectively.
So you made mistakes in not being more in tune to his silent sorrow.
So Si made mistakes in overstaying what she thought was her welcome and showing hesitation in moving with you guys.

So you all made mistakes. Welcome to humanity.

You are suffering and I can tell that in the degradation of your written words this past week. And I feel for all 3 of you.

But if this thread has said anything it is very clearly 'SECONDARY BEWARE'
You ARE Disposable, make no mistake.
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  #180  
Old 04-24-2013, 04:11 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I haven't posted on here in a very long time , for many different reasons, but I've been following this and I have to say as a "Secondary" who's been Veto'd by a very selfish, insecure "Primary" that as FRIEND, as A LOVER, as a PARTNER, as a HUMAN.. the way you both have treated Si is disgusting.

Who cares that she isn't a biological parent?? She's been there since DAY 1.
Would you banish an Aunt or Uncle or Cousin?

She has been around as long as Matt has?!

So you're not married to her (why, because in the UK that wasn't legal??)
So you don't have biological children with her... (because that's impossible!)

But it shouldn't mean that she matters less.

So Matt made mistakes in not speaking up more effectively.
So you made mistakes in not being more in tune to his silent sorrow.
So Si made mistakes in overstaying what she thought was her welcome and showing hesitation in moving with you guys.

So you all made mistakes. Welcome to humanity.

You are suffering and I can tell that in the degradation of your written words this past week. And I feel for all 3 of you.

But if this thread has said anything it is very clearly 'SECONDARY BEWARE'
You ARE Disposable, make no mistake.
First, I did not treat her like a secondary. Never was she ever that to me. I do not do hierarchy. My treatment of her was disgusting? I am the only one who has been trying to fix this mess. She was my equal. I am the one who talked my husband into letting her continue to be part of their lives. He made it damn clear that she was not welcome in their lives. I still went against him.

I do not care that she is not a biological parent. My husband is the one who has been fighting me every step of the way. I involved her education choices and in every aspect of their lives.

I would banish a relative. I banished an entire side of family, but that was my choice. I have no relationship with my paternal relatives. They do not even know my children's names or my address or anything about me. The last time they saw me I was probably 11 or 12 at best. I am 32 now.

I know she has been around just as long as he has. I am well aware. No, we cannot have children together. No, we are not married. She never believed in marriage, so that was never even an option. She matters just as much as she always did, but damn I cannot continue living in this hellacious situation and faking like I am okay. I am losing weight, stressed to max capacity, and just an all around bitch these days. I am tired of dealing with this day in and day out. Everyone has an opinion, but no one seems to know what to do. I have to listen my counsellor going on and on about all the shit I did wrong. Woopty doo, lady. I am well aware of all that I did wrong. Damn. I am human. Sue me for having flaws and making some very messed up decisions. Yes, I was selfish. Yes, I wanted what I wanted and to hell with what my husband thought or felt. I was wrapped up in myself and got lost in my relationship. Sue the hell out of me. Open and shut case.

I have finally succumbed to the stress, and I am so frustrated that if I start crying, I might not stop. I regret being poly and God knows if I had to do it again, I would deny this part of me until the day I died.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 04-24-2013 at 04:28 PM.
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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