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  #131  
Old 04-20-2013, 04:13 PM
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Also, in response to your most recent post, don't feel any guilt about that period in your life. It sounds like you were dealing with so much, physically and emotionally, like you were barely getting by in some ways. The idea that YOU should have done more then to maintain your relationship is just unfair, you were trying to *survive*. Si is entitled to her feelings, but I know that, for myself, I would have felt immensely relieved to know that my partner had someone who could be there so much, and do so much to help them keep it together if I couldn't.
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  #132  
Old 04-20-2013, 05:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Also, in response to your most recent post, don't feel any guilt about that period in your life. It sounds like you were dealing with so much, physically and emotionally, like you were barely getting by in some ways. The idea that YOU should have done more then to maintain your relationship is just unfair, you were trying to *survive*. Si is entitled to her feelings, but I know that, for myself, I would have felt immensely relieved to know that my partner had someone who could be there so much, and do so much to help them keep it together if I couldn't.
Yes, you are right. It is not really guilt. Something new emerges every day, and it just makes me step back and think about how I handled it or if it could have been handled better. In this case, I do not believe I could have done anything else.

It was a lot going on with me. Physically and emotionally. I am just like you. I would have been relieved to know that someone was there when I could not be. I know that jealousy would not have been part of it. Her feelings were and still are important.
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  #133  
Old 04-20-2013, 05:42 PM
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One can also be both -- relieved AND jealous. Feelings don't have to make sense, it's how you choose to act that matters.
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  #134  
Old 04-21-2013, 03:44 AM
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Hubby and I talked before we went to bed. I love that we are talking and constantly strengthening our communication. We decided to go salsa dancing, but it is kind of hard to talk when you are on your feet and feeling the music. Granted, our bodies were speaking a language of their own, but that is not the same. (Being fluent in the language his/her body speaks is fab, though.) I saw this advert a couple of weeks ago, and the song was so catchy. The beat stuck with me, and when I heard it again yesterday, it actually did make me dance.

We spent most of yesterday in Tunbridge Wells with close friends of ours. The weather was glorious, so we enjoyed the morning out and about in London. The last time we had clear skies and no chance of rain was ages ago. Our friends are expecting twins at the end of May, so we went shopping. Matt and my friend's husband did their own thing. I enjoyed bonding with my children and shopping for them as well as my godchildren. We had dinner at their house. I love to cook, so I gladly helped. We left around 7 and got back into London after 8. We did our nighttime rituals of bath time and story time with both of them. My son ended up falling asleep in my arms. I hated to put him in his nursery because he was sleeping peacefully in my arms.

Matt and I watched a movie and ate froyo. He asked me if I wanted to do anything tonight. *light bulb* Dancing! It did not take me long to get dressed. Usually, that would be a three hour process. We decided to go to two different clubs. One featured a live band, which is always an experience. I had forgotten how great of a dancer he is. The chemistry and heat were turned all the way up.

We need to go out more often. I love letting my hair down. Last night was the second night that I have been out. I love socialising and having a good time. It is a welcome change from the constant seriousness that had become our lives. What a difference it has made. I feel like a new me is emerging, and I love who she is and what she is about.

I am not the woman I was before. I made some very bad decisions and made an arsenal of mistakes. I am continuing to learn and grow. It is not bad because it feels like a new level of free. I can accept and understand why something had to change. I know that this is going to be a long road. I am finding myself and my way.

I see the changes in Matt. He is more firm and assertive in what he wants or needs. I have a deeper level of respect for him, and I hear everything he is saying now. Loud and clear. I hate the way things fell apart, but I think something amazing is on the other side of this mountain we are climbing.

Si and I will get to this point, too. I am supposed to see her and her parents today. My children's grandparents want to see them, so I am setting time aside this afternoon.

I am about to finish setting up for tonight's dinner party and go back to bed. I could not sleep comfortably knowing there was work to be done. We are hosting about 20 people. We wanted to keep it intimate. I thought about inviting Si and her parents to the dinner, but I could tell Matt was not entirely comfortable with the idea. I did not want him to feel obligated to say "yes" to please me. Her presence on anything more than a limited basis is still a limit for him, and limits must be respected. The last thing I want is either of them to be uncomfortable. There is no guarantee she would have said yes or felt comfortable enough to be around him either. It is better this way. I would hate for things to regress. In due time. No sense in pushing the issue or trying to force anyone's hand.

Happy Sunday and enjoy the rest of your weekends before you get back to the hustle and bustle of the week!
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  #135  
Old 04-21-2013, 04:42 AM
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I am impressed with the grace with which you are handling these many new changes, boundaries, and whatnot. I think Matt and Si have made some efforts to do some things better, smarter, kinder, too, so all three of you deserve kudos.

It is wonderful to hear about the progressive direction things are going. I know that we have learned that there is such a thing as "false bliss" (the bliss of denial), and good things that turn bad later on. So I relate to your inclination to take in all this new good stuff with a bit of caution. I think the caution will help you a lot. It will help you avoid a lot of would-be mis-steps.

I'm still blissfully optimistic about the way things seem to be headed. I suppose some turbulence is inevitable somewhere along the way, but I think you will weather it fine -- no big shipwrecks this time.

I enjoy your blog and look forward to your new posts.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #136  
Old 04-21-2013, 11:47 PM
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Thank you, Kevin. I have no choice but to handle boundaries, changes, and limits with grace. I helped to create the mess, so it stands to reason that I should not dare to oppose much that has been suggested or needed by all parties involved. It takes quite a bit of willpower. The old me would have invited Si and her parents without asking Matt how he felt about it. The old me would have let her parents continue to be part of our children's lives without stopping to ask him how he felt about certain people being in their lives. As their father, he has every right to say who can be part of their lives. I was lacking consideration and common courtesy. I am forcing myself to get in the habit of asking instead of assuming, expecting, or feeling like it is owed to me.

I find myself wondering if there will be major steps taken backwards. I am all too aware of false bliss and even one-sided bliss. I do wonder how long things will continue progressing in this positive direction. I hate almost expecting doom or something bad, but after last month's apocalypse, anything goes this time around.

Turbulence is inevitable. The key is to continue handling things the opposite way that I did before and to continue learning from my mistakes. It has been hard to break those habits. I am breaking free from those chains every day.

I have to give credit to Si and Matt. I know it has hard for them to be civil on behalf of the children. I am sure they are probably working on themselves and taking something from the process. I notice that many people say poly helped them to look within themselves and work on personal issues that probably would have been swept under the rug in a mono relationship.

Thank you for the continued support. This blog is therapeutic. I have endless thoughts these days, and I am still struggling to find the positives in poly. I hope that one day that will change.

Ry
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  #137  
Old 04-22-2013, 12:51 AM
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Hello, hello, hello.

I always do a check-in at the end of the day/night because there are always thoughts that cross my mind. I am in the midst of cleaning up before heading to bed, but I wanted to go ahead and do this.

Last night's dinner party was a success. I loved being a hostess. The perfectionist in me thrived. We spent most of the day cooking. I know there is nothing like a home cooked meal. My favourite part of the meal was the desserts. I made two. One for dinner and one for our guests to take home. The ones for dinner were miniature citrus cassata cakes with a strawberry persimmon compote, and the ones that I put in the adorable little gift boxes were miniature red velvet cakes filled with white chocolate mousse and fresh raspberries and drizzled with ganache. I put so much work into making the dinner perfect. From the colour of the roses to the shape of the mirrors under the floating candles to the fabrics and the lighting used in the room to the type of beverages served to the music. It was a stress reliever for me. I am over the moon that our guests enjoyed themselves and wanted to know when to expect the invitation for the next one! I am such a behind the scenes person that they thought I had hired someone to do everything. Flattery will get you everywhere.

My children and I left during the afternoon to meet Si and her parents. Hubby had a handle on things at home, so I was able to slip away. I stayed for a little while and chatted with them, but I decided to let them bond without me around. I did not want it to feel like a supervised visit. I just asked them to let me know what time they would be ready. I treated myself to a visit with my favourite hairstylist. I also got a facial, massage, and make-up. When I picked up my children, my daughter said they had an enjoyable visit. As expected.

I read something earlier, and it made me stop and think. I am not sure that I would expose my children to poly if I had to do it again. At least not until they were of the age to decide if they wanted that person or people in their lives. This person's comments made me think. She said that her daughter never had a say as to who could be in her life. She and her spouse just decided that for her. They invited their partners to birthday parties and to be part of that child's life. Now, her daughter is in her teenage years, has a brain that she uses, and is deciding who or what she does and does not want to be exposed to. The mother has an issue with that. Some part of me disagrees with that. Yes, as parents we are supposed to do what is best for them, but I think that could have drawbacks.

I know I did that to my daughter, and it became a problem because when things fell apart, who felt it the most outside of the adults? My daughter. I had to answer her questions like, "Did I do something wrong, mummy?" "Why does she not want to see me?" "Why was she not at my recital?" It was an endless list of why's, and she was blaming herself. My child was hurting, and never will I ever allow anyone to hurt my baby again. Especially when it is someone that I brought into her life and seemingly forced on her because this my way of living and my beliefs. I believe that part was truly, genuinely selfish of me. Add it to the list of another lesson learned.

I talked to Si about that, and I hope she issued an apology and explained it to her. I have not asked my daughter, yet, but what happened before will never happen again. If it does, she does not have to worry about Matt blocking her from seeing them. I will do it and shut off every last drop of communication. My son is not old enough to care. As long as he has my milk, food, attention, a dry nappy, and someone playing with him, he is happy and delightful as ever.

As their mother, it is my job to protect them as much as I can. I apologised to my daughter because I let this person be in her life, and she subsequently ended up getting hurt. Not okay in my book at all. My daughter may only be four, but she has feelings and rights. This burden was too much for her and entirely unfair. I disagree when people say that she will not remember this. Children have a funny way of holding on to the negative things and carrying them through life, and I would hate to see my indirect actions contribute to any potential issues.

All around, I am more cautious and more aware.
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  #138  
Old 04-22-2013, 05:12 AM
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Well I can see your point about involving Si for the wrong reason, and perhaps in the wrong manner, such as Matt not being 100% on board with Si's level of involvement. In your situation especially, you should make sure that Si's involvement doesn't become something that could hurt the children.

I think you acted out of an ideal you had in your mind of how a poly family would look. You assumed Matt shared that ideal, and hence, a conflict was brewing. The situation detonated, and now you're in the midst of a clean-up. A mess to prevent in the future.

But in more general terms, I would say that parents (and often other adults) do choose who their children will associate with. First of all the parents choose themselves, to take on that parental role in their child's life. It's not the child's idea. But we still assume it's a good idea. And then I think how as I grew up, I was encouraged to spend time with aunts, uncles, and cousins. I didn't mind it (though I lost a bit of my taste for it when I got older).

So, if a house has a particular aunt hanging around all the time, and then there's a falling out with this aunt, in hindsight maybe she wasn't the right call for the kids, but it was still the parents' call. Even minus the aunt, if a conventional couple divorces, then again adults that were "always there for the kids" are now divided up. The point is, there's a risk factor in putting any adults into a child's life. As a parent, you make that call and hope you're doing it wisely. If something doesn't work out about it, you work on the mending and moving on, and possibly removing the adult in question from the child's life, depending on the situation.

If Si is willing to make things right where the kids are concerned, then she is okay to stick around. I imagine the move to Australia is going to change a lot of things though, unless Si is going to move also after all.

But I'm not trying to flatter you that it was no mistake to involve Si with the kids in the first place. Rather, I guess I'm saying it was a call you would have had to make one way or another, as a parent. Probably the main mis-step there was not involving the other parent (Matt) more in the decision.

I think the kids will be more forgiving and understanding than you would expect. It's not un-fixable. Taking it one cautious step at a time will get you there.
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  #139  
Old 04-22-2013, 11:59 AM
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If--and that is a huge if--I ever decide to be in another relationship, that person will not be around my children. That is a hard limit.

I have always been cautious about who I let be involved in their lives. They have no relationship with my father's family. They are poisonous. I cut them out of my life at 11 or 12. I was respectful, but they were not invited to birthday parties, anything involving my wedding, gradations, or any part of either pregnancy. To this day, they have never my children. They are not missing anything, so their lack of presence is no problem.

I just cannot shake the thought that it was a bad move from the beginning. I am limiting contact. My child may be forgiving, but in talking to her this morning, I know her trust is not where one would think it should be. It was in the questions she was continuing to ask. "Is she going to leave again?" I could not lie to her and say yes or no with certainty. She is in the stage where she likes promises. I cannot promise something like that. It is able to be fixed, but there is unexpected reluctance in the form of my mini me. I think I may give her time and let her make her own decision regarding this.

I agree that Matt should have been more involved and had more say. That would be like him introducing my children to those relatives I do not want them exposed to and expecting me to just deal with it. Instead, he understands why the ties were severed and why there will be no relationships formed with any of them.

We are their parents, and we should be deciding who can be in our children's lives. Albeit late, we are doing that now. Overdue does not even begin to describe it. Moving will definitely change it. It may not even be because of me or Matt. Our daughter knows who she wants to be around. She has no problem saying that she does not want to be around this child or that child. She went on a playdate, and we always ask for a rundown and if she had fun. She flat out said that she did not really like her and did not want to play with her again. She was like, "Mummy, she was trying to get me in trouble." Sure enough when we asked, she was right. She said that she had to separate them because of this other child. I was expecting her to have some cheeky little reason like she would not share with me or something like that.

We will see how things will turn out between Si and my mini me. I wonder how it would work if she says that she does not want her in her life. We have been careful not to say much about Si. I know it was hard for Matt to bite his tongue and refrain from saying anything negative before.

Underneath their fake smiles, it is still a fairly volatile situation. I know he is not saying anything to sway our daughter. I also wonder how long they are going to be able to keep up this act. Somebody is going to crack. I feel it in my heart. The only agreement is to get along for our children. How long can that really last?
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  #140  
Old 04-22-2013, 02:10 PM
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I have avoided addressing this, but there is a massive elephant in the form of Matt and Si. I am waiting for it to explode. I know I should be optimistic and hopeful, but please. After the battle last month, I know it is coming. I feel it in my heart and soul. There is only so much time before one or both crack under the pressure of being tolerant of one another. I have to call it like it is. They do not like each other, and the only interactions they have are forced and certainly not genuine. They are more of an obligation to our children. Matt likened it to having wisdom teeth extracted with no drugs.

Realistically, Matt does not want Si around our children for any reason at all. That is clear, and he has been blunt regarding that. "I am only going along this because of them, and most days, that is still not enough. I do not like her. I tolerate her because I have no choice and what I say really does not matter." His opinions are very strong. I try to limit their interactions any more than necessary outside of work. Every move is being carefully orchestrated. The other day is an example. She came by at 5:45 or so to pick up my daughter. He walked in a little before 6. They just barely missed each other.

He does not want to hear about her unless it pertains to something regarding our children like she will be at ballet class or if she/her family wants to see them. Here is the problem. I know that when he agrees, he is doing it begrudgingly. I know it is not what he wants, but I do not know how to approach that. Do I continue to go against what he wants just like before? The difference now is that I know what he does and does not want. I am hearing him loud and clear, but I am still going against him. You cannot tell me that will not cause problems again. I already went down the path of ignoring him, and we see how that turned out. I am not trying to do that again, so I think something may have to change. I am torn.

When he suggested that we make peace, that was a catch-22. Make amends with her because life is short, but keep her away from him and know that she will never be part of his life again.

I realise that Si has been part of their lives since before birth, but I cannot help but wonder if I should put some distance in between them. Either way it goes, it does not seem fair to anyone. I have been urged to remember my children and their well-being. I am doing that, but at the same time, I have to remember that children can sense things. If Matt is sitting there with a clenched jaw and struggling not to say something that could potentially cause an argument and Si is doing whatever she is doing, I know my daughter can sense the tension between the two. How healthy is that for her when it is all said and done?
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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