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  #111  
Old 04-17-2013, 09:54 PM
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He will get there. He is just playing hard to get.
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  #112  
Old 04-17-2013, 10:10 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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My, my, my. How the tables have turned. That used to be my thing. I had it down to an art form. He is playing hard to get. I am waiting to hear him say a couple of things. "Not tonight. I am tired." Perhaps the best one of all time, "I have a headache." I have used both and a list of others.
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  #113  
Old 04-17-2013, 10:17 PM
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I suppose you could say to him, "You can't kid a kidder."
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  #114  
Old 04-18-2013, 02:10 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am watching "Love/Lust and Lingerie" with my hubby. I am rarely up at this time of night for anything other than checking on our children, so I am amazed at what is on the telly. I doubt Matt cares about corsets and knickers--unless they benefit him in some way. The godawful Kardashians were on. Do not get me started on that family. The wee hours of the AM means reality shows. I could do without them.

We are off today, which is why we are still awake. We have actually been talking. Another fraction of light. We have a counselling session this afternoon, and instead of driving back to London after, we are spending the rest of the day and the night in Berkshire. We will be back tomorrow morning in time to get to work. This was actually his idea. I must admit that I like it. Our children are going to be with their grandparents. They live really close, so our children will be minutes away. We are having lunch with them, so I am excited about today.

I just made dinner reservations at this restaurant we have both been wanting to try. I always leave our sessions feeling pretty good. Things get intense, but we have connected with our therapist and feel at ease. Our communication is improving. I see the benefits now that he is a bit more open minded and willing to actually listen to what she has to say.

Here is to a great day. (Definitely all smiles right now.)


Ry
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  #115  
Old 04-18-2013, 02:19 AM
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Glad to hear it.
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  #116  
Old 04-18-2013, 02:05 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Afternoon, afternoon, afternoon.

I woke up in a deliriously cheerful mood. I am a regular at the Sbux close to our home, and they even noticed I was more cheery than usual. It is something in the air. Even Matt is more light-hearted and easy going today.

We had breakfast with our children. It is never dull when our daughter is around. She looks like him, but that is my mini me personality wise. Her facial expressions and the things she says are hilarious. She is our child.

We are in Stockcross. Our hotel looks like a home that you would find in Laguna Beach in California. It is very quiet around here and serene. We had lunch with my parents and our children a couple of hours ago. My mum and I went antique shopping after. Matt and my daddy went somewhere to talk. My mum and I had to chance to talk about everything that has been going on. Talking to my mum always makes me feel better. I love how our relationship has changed over the years to one of mutual respect, friendship, and understanding. I love her bits of wisdom and insight. My mum really might know best. I say that behind a forced smile and gritted teeth. No child wants to admit their parents just might be right sometimes. Our children are with her now. Who knows what they are doing? I cannot wait to hear about it in the morning.

Matt and I are getting closer little by little. We talked during the wee hours of this morning and during our drive here. My resentment of his limit to closeness is softening. I appreciate it, and I would be crazy to shut his advances down. A kiss on the neck here. A little touching there. It keeps things interesting and exciting.

Our session starts in about an hour. He is still out with my daddy right now. I have spent my alone time figuring out things I want to address during today's session. It is not a long list like before. We are slowly chipping away at what used to be a laundry list. I see improvements. He can sense when he is being distant and bridges the gap. Like last night when he came in, he gave me a hug and a kiss. He actually sat down long enough

We have a promises "check-in" today. Between sessions, we make promises to each other. Small things like promising to be home by a certain time or to set time aside every night for quality time. We have to take smalls steps to start rebuilding trust. So far, it is working. He has kept all of his, and I have as well. Eventually we will move up a level and make bigger promises. It seems to be helping because glimpses of trust are emerging.

I am more hopeful today than I was yesterday. Today qualifies as a high day, and I want to keep that level of high up. Still smiling and positively glowing.
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  #117  
Old 04-18-2013, 04:00 PM
InAndOut InAndOut is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
It is exceedingly hard. I am in for the challenge of a lifetime, and I never knew quite what to expect, so I started this journey blindly. Of all the people who are in my life, they are either mono and open minded or poly with varying levels of open/close mindedness. None of them had transitioned from one to the other, so they struggled to understand. Some of them still do not, and I have lost people. I am okay with that. It is a brand new kind of me, and I am seeing this all the way through. No need to thank me. I am doing what helps me get through every day: writing and getting these thoughts out. I still do no what is on the other side of the mono door, but I am okay with that and dealing with it as it comes.



The hardest part has been integrating the way my life used to be with the way it is now while continuing to work on my marriage via counselling and trying to earn my husband's trust back. It is a slow moving process, and while we are working together, we are also working separately on ourselves. Matt is not comfortable getting comfortable with the idea of it being two of us. He is awkward around me and keeping me at bay and almost at a safe distance. I know that stems from him not trusting me with his heart, but it still hurts that he would rather not get too close for fear of being hurt by me again.

Due to my breakup still being fresh and just weeks old, I do not feel that I am denying myself of anything. I have my hands full with the marriage, our children, my career, working on my friendship with Si, and just everything. I do not have the time to miss what I may or may not ever actually want. Do I have moments where I miss Si being my girlfriend? Yes, but I come back down to earth and reality and realise that right now, that is the last thing I need to be thinking about.

I am hoping to be a better wife, a better listener, and just an overall better person. I need to learn the art of balanced compromise. Matt was giving, giving, giving, and I sat down and realised I have not given up anything. He gave up his ideals, principles, and moral beliefs. He gave up his idea of marriage. It was always him making concessions and compromises. It was always him having to share or make adjustments to be accommodating. The scales of balance were horrible. I want to learn to not take my husband and our family for granted. I did that and nearly lost everything. I played Russian Roulette, and it was a stupid choice. I banked on Matt being that solid, stable relationship who would always be there, and I was complacent. Silly me. I am learning.

I see very few positives because I caused so much damage in my journey of polydom. I sacrificed family, friends, my husband, my marriage, my family, and everything just so that I could say, "No one was blocking my greatness or trying to fit me into a box." I did not realise the level of devastation until it was all said and done. I saw it happening, but I never processed it. It was a humbling experience and one hell of a rude awakening. I am now...wide awake. This may or may not change. At the current moment, the negatives are outweighing the positives by a landslide.

My advice to a newbie. Listen to your partner(s) and hear them out when they tell you what they need. Keep reading my blog, and there will be a million and one insightful thoughts.

I do not believe they will ever be friends. Matt has made is clear and ran around in circles saying it, but he is 110% sure he does not want a friendship. He has to work with Si, but once the clock strikes x time, she is out of his mind and not even a distant thought. I think it will affect parenting. Seeing as how we are moving thousands of km away, I wonder how the dynamics will work out. With that, I have to take it step by step and worry about it later. There is a lot to consider.



Thank you. I am a mum, and any mother will tell you we are the strongest people in the world. Once you survive labour, everything else pales in comparison! My thoughts are all over the map. The best thoughts strike me during the wee hours of the AM. The insomniac in me thrives and feels the need to think like crazy. Drives me positively batty! I hope all is well on your side of the world!

-Ry

Thanks for answering my questions. Good luck with therapy.

I've been reading threads and tons of other blogs. All have been helpful.
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  #118  
Old 04-18-2013, 08:03 PM
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Great to hear that things are going steadily better.
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  #119  
Old 04-18-2013, 10:55 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Waiting for my hubby to get out of the shower, so I am doing my nightly post.

Our counselling session was very productive. 120 minutes. We each had things we wanted to discuss, and we talked about them. Our therapist was just kind of there as a mediator or to let us know if we needed to correct something or if we needed to rephrase something. The most important thing is he knows I am listening and processing everything he is saying. It is not just hearing key words or replying with "mmhm," "yeah," "right." It is actually being engaged in the conversation, listening to his feelings and thoughts, and asking questions about what was just said or discussed. I like communicating on a deeper level. I put it to good use when we left the office. We were driving back to our hotel, which was about 35 minutes away. He was telling me about his afternoon with my daddy, what they did, or how they bonded. Instead of texting people, checking e-mails, or whatever, I left my phablet in the console and never touched it while we were talking. I am proud of myself because I am addicted to my cell. That is my baby, and Matt knows it.

We arrived at our hotel, and we had an hour to get ready for dinner. Our reservation was for 8. He was definitely all touchy-feely, while I was trying to get dressed. Matt was like that beautiful distraction. I never realised how hard it was to put on eyeliner while someone is kissing one of your spots and whispering in your ear. I am enjoying being teased. He finished getting dressed before me, so he was like, "See you downstairs." Touch me. Tease me. Then, leave me? Such a tease. That is not what the eye mask from Agent Provocateur says. (It actually says, "Love me. Desire me. Seduce me. Tease me. Whip me."

I finally finished getting dressed. He prefers when I wear minimal make-up, so I kept it simple with nude lipstick and eyeliner. He thinks I am beautiful with no make-up. He can still make me blush. Matt never saw what I was wearing, and I put on a coat, so it would be a surprise. We talked on the way to The Waterside Inn. I am loving how affectionate he is and what a perfect gentleman he is. Opening car doors, helping me step out, kissing my hand, and even pulling out chairs.

We arrived in perfect time and were seated almost immediately. Being the gentleman that he is, he helped me take off my coat. He caught a glimpse of the dress. (I need to e-mail the designer and thank him properly because it made my husband say, "Damn. You are wearing the hell out of that dress.") Body courtesy of Pilates and yoga. I enjoyed teasing him, and you know how you can feel that someone is undressing you with their eyes? I felt that. Confidence is the sexiest non-physical attribute, and my confidence was already high. Tonight, it went through the roof. I made sure he got the back view, too. That was intentional. I love flirting with him. Something old and familiar is new and exciting.

Every course of dinner was perfect. Food wise, wine wise, company wise, and conversation wise. It felt like we were the only two people in the place. That is what it feels like to be lost in your own world and tuning everything out. I love that feeling. I am grinning like a Cheshire. I am 100 shades of happy right now, and my heart is full of love.

I am happy that we took this little end of the week break. I dislike being at odds with Matt, and I missed him terribly when he was gone. I think that is probably why I ran into his arms when he walked in that night. I dislike arguing with him and seeing him hurting. I feel what he feels, and it pains me to know that I hurt him. We are committed to moving past this and learning every step of the way. I feel like he finally believes me when I tell him how sorry I am and how I may not deserve his trust again, but I will do what it takes to earn it back. He probably heard the words before, but it did not resonate. Now, I believe it is. I hope the healing can begin.

I am having lunch with Si tomorrow, so we are working on our friendship. We have healing to do, and we need to talk. She is an important part of my life and a huge chunk of history in my novel of life. I do not what capacity she will remain in my life. That is to be determined. Right now, we are focusing on the friendship angle. I have always believed in establishing a solid friendship before getting romantically involved with anyone. I am glad we did because we have a starting point. "Before there was an us, we were friends." I am very hopeful regarding this.

Will actually practising poly be part of my life again once this journey is done? I really do not know. It is still too soon to rule it out or to make any life changing decisions. The emotions are still high and have not levelled out completely. What I do know is that I am living in this moment, living every day like it is my last, and enjoying learning about myself and becoming a better version of me. I am not missing anything or desiring anything more at this moment. I love my husband, and I appreciate him for putting up with me, accepting my flaws, and giving me the chance to right my wrongs. I am finding my footing after my entire world was shaken. Poly will always be part of me. Be it via who I was, who I am now, and even who I am destined to be.

With that being said, I am off to cuddle with my hubby. I want to be in his arms right now and enjoy the rest of our night. Good-night.

Ry

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 04-18-2013 at 11:00 PM.
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  #120  
Old 04-18-2013, 11:38 PM
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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