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  #101  
Old 04-17-2013, 02:00 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I am not surprised he isn't interested in sex. I think focusing on cuddling, kissing, hugging is enough for now. And talking... talking needs to happen a lot more. I hope the open talking about feelings, emotions, boundaries, needs and desires in therapy eventually melds over into daily life as well.
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  #102  
Old 04-17-2013, 03:26 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am not all that surprised. It is the hot and cold thing. He initiates, turns me on, and then backs off. Fun stuff. I feel like a sports car that is being revved up while still in park.

I am happy that he is being affectionate and loving. He always has been. We will eventually get to talking on a more in-depth level at some point. Trust is the key to many things. Until it returns to some degree, the doors will stay closed and locked.
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  #103  
Old 04-17-2013, 03:38 PM
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I have been thinking about this situation, and have decided to hijack the thread a little. Please lend me your pardon.

For starters, I think I can relate in a very personal way to the feeling of having not heard one's spouse when they were pleading for your understanding, and by so doing, having caused damage that can never be fixed.

You see, I started rebelling against everything just at the time when my wife was starting to get Alzheimer's. So while she was clinging to the old and familiar, I was chafing to get out of that old box.

The situation was complicated. Her kids had "put the whammy" on me for "causing" or at least "deserving" this Alzheimer's situation. So with the long, ugly history that already existed with her kids, she and I both went into denial about her disease and I, in my warped way, fancied that it would somehow be her fault if she somehow got the disease.

So she did get the disease, right when I was trying to rebel against everything in life, and I found myself getting angry at her. Angrier and angrier. So when she was missing the simple love that she and I had once shared, I was pulling away from her.

I'll skip all the horrible details and just say it was pretty horrible. Well, in time, I stopped being quite so angry and bitter at the whole world, and started to finally appreciate my wife again, and reminisce myself about all the good times we had shared.

Unfortunately, by that time, she was too far down the road of Alzheimer's to really understand what was happening. And she was located in a nursing home far away, I only saw her once a month, and only talked to her once a week by phone.

We shared some warmth over the phone, and during those infrequent visits, and soon she was just gone. Today she lives in a nursing home much closer and I see her every week, but she doesn't know that I'm there, not by any visible indications. She's now locked in a state of forever waiting for me, and she doesn't even know what she's waiting for.

Now, I came out like a king, because as she was slipping away, I was developing the poly V in which I bask today. But while I am busily basking, I am also feeling terribly sad and guilty, and wishing I could reach back into the past and find my wife there, apologize to her, and let her know that I'm here now, even though I wasn't there for her then.

The point of this very long story made relatively short, is that I feel you may have the chance here that I lost forever. Matt is hurting deep inside, but he still has all his faculties, and he is still reachable. You can still let him know that you're sorry, and that you're there for him now. The message won't sink in quickly at all, but I have this hope that it can sink in. You don't have to suffer the tragedy that my wife and I suffered. You can slowly pull out of this tailspin, healing can occur, and you can get back that closeness that you once had.

Such is my fancy, anyway. I can't give you a 100% guarantee that things will work out. Maybe the hurt is too deep. Maybe Matt won't recover. But I feel that maybe, just maybe, you might have the chance that I tossed away until it was eternally too late.

Don't give up. Keep coming back with that tenderness, even if he keeps clenching up. You certainly have a sad story to tell, but I am sooo hoping that this one has a happy ending.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #104  
Old 04-17-2013, 04:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I am not all that surprised. It is the hot and cold thing. He initiates, turns me on, and then backs off. Fun stuff. I feel like a sports car that is being revved up while still in park.
Well, with your Christian style guilty mea culpas of a couple weeks ago, this could be seen as needed penance, no? If all he's ready for, while in such a state of mistrusting you, is a little cuddling and minor groping, that's really OK. (If you need more, you've got your hand and a good vibrator. )

It almost sounds like you're resenting the closeness he is attempting because you want more. You call it "fun stuff." Beware of sarcasm.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #105  
Old 04-17-2013, 05:21 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Well, with your Christian style guilty mea culpas of a couple weeks ago, this could be seen as needed penance, no? If all he's ready for, while in such a state of mistrusting you, is a little cuddling and minor groping, that's really OK. (If you need more, you've got your hand and a good vibrator. )

It almost sounds like you're resenting the closeness he is attempting because you want more. You call it "fun stuff." Beware of sarcasm.
So true.

I am not resenting it totally. It could be a form of penance. I resent that there is a limit as to how close he wants to get me. That statement was full of sarcasm. I am trying to watch it, but it pops up from time to time. Matt picks up on it and always has something smart to say. "Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed." I am in a questionable mood.

I need something to do when I want sex. Today's comfort of choice is food. I had spaghetti for a snack. That was after I had a really big lunch. I think I might go run on the treadmill. It might relieve tension.
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  #106  
Old 04-17-2013, 06:13 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Aww.

Kevin, your story just touched my heart. It also made me think of this elderly couple I met a few years ago when I was working at this facility. The husband was in the facility, and he had Alzheimer's. I do not believe he was aware of who he was, who his wife was, or his surroundings. She visited him every single day. They had been married for who knows how long. We were in his room one day, and she was telling us about the first signs of him having Alzheimer's and how it had progressed over time. She told us about this song that they used to love and used to sing together. Something about her singing that song unlocked that piece of him. He was humming it, and it made me cry. When he remembered that, it meant the world to her.

Guilt is inevitable. It shows that you are human. Sadness is normal, too. It shows compassion and empathy for someone else. You were angry, and I think most people would be under those circumstances. It is hard to watch a loved one suffer and to know that there is nothing you can do about it.

It may not seem like she knows that you are there now, but somewhere in her heart, she knows and feels it. I believe she would want you to be happy and to be loved in a way that she cannot love you.

I hope I have the chance. I miss my hubby and best friend. We had this very odd connection that defied all logic and reason. He would get on my nerves, but I missed him like crazy. He always had something smart to say or some retort, but I was never able to get mad because it made me smile. Now, he is here physically and sometimes emotionally, but I miss the essence that was us. I miss our inside jokes. I miss the way he used to hold me and even the way he used to say my name. Something in the way he said it would erase any and all of my worries. I miss feeling his love and warmth.

I feel so distant from him now. I know he is hurting and feels better keeping me at a distance. Reaching him seems like an impossible mission. I want to believe it will sink in, but every actions says the exact opposite. Case and point. He walked in about 30 minutes ago, asked me how my day was, took a shower, peeped his head in the kitchen to say that he will be back around 8, and left. I felt like his roomie right then.

I think things can be healed. It is going to take time. A lot of time and baby steps. The good news is he is committed to working on our marriage, so all hope is not lost, yet.

I am trying not to give up. A happy ending would be nice. Thank you again for the story. As always, your input is always right on time and very insightful.
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  #107  
Old 04-17-2013, 07:46 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
peeped his head in the kitchen to say that he will be back around 8, and left.
Damn, I can't even get my husband to tell me he's leaving, much less tell me what time he's going to be home. This is something we are working on.

So tell him that his actions made you feel like a roommate and then let him know what he can do differently next time, so you didn't feel like a roommate (without him having to change his plans).
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  #108  
Old 04-17-2013, 08:20 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Damn, I can't even get my husband to tell me he's leaving, much less tell me what time he's going to be home. This is something we are working on.

So tell him that his actions made you feel like a roommate and then let him know what he can do differently next time, so you didn't feel like a roommate (without him having to change his plans).
Lol. Matt used to do that. Leave and then text like, "Oh btw. I am gone to such and such." It drove me batty. Men claim we are difficult. Ha. Have they looked in the mirror before?

When he walked in, he already knew what was wrong. The look on my face said everything. That man knows how to work my nerves and push buttons like no one else. I love him, though.
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  #109  
Old 04-17-2013, 08:36 PM
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Okay, I admit I'm difficult.

Yeah, once in awhile, an Alzheimer's victim will remember something. Their poor besieged brain manages to catch a few notes, or a few words. My wife is at the point where she will once in awhile say something, but even then the words are garbled and quite incoherent. But they are delivered with emotion, as if she is trying to say something very important. I always respond to her with a firm "Yes," and anything else I can think of. I tell her I love her even though she doesn't observably respond to that at all. I do fancy in my mind that somewhere deep within, she knows I'm there. I just still feel really crappy about the way I treated her in the past. You know, so often we don't appreciate what we have while we still have it ...

You know, my anger probably was generalized to some extent. Almost like being angry at God "for letting this happen." I'm sure we've all been there once or twice in our lives. That's okay though, I got my revenge against God, I became an atheist ... heh heh heh ...

I think you are just at a frustrating time when Matt is just starting to open up, but only a little. It's like he's only opening up enough to tease you, lead you on, or just plain drive you nuts. Hopefully this frustrating time will pass. He will warm up a little more. And I agree with SNeacail about specifically asking him for things that you need. "Honey, I felt so distanced the other day when you just said you'd be back around 8 ... Could you give me a good-bye kiss or something to help with that?" You might be surprised, he might actually respond to a heartfelt request like that in the positive.

As you said, little steps. You'll get there.
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  #110  
Old 04-17-2013, 09:25 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Thank you for admitting that you are difficult! Woo-hoo. One down. A billion more to go. You men are funny creatures!

It is frustrating. He is opening up just enough to leave me wanting more, and then, he throws a curveball and changes the entire course. It feels like somebody telling you that they have good news, getting you excited, and then saying they will tell you later.

When I tell him what I need, he listens and usually complies to some degree. We were watching this show, and he managed to avoid picking up the phone the entire time. His phone is like an extra body part, but he knows how I feel about it. It does not take much to make me happy.
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