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  #91  
Old 04-16-2013, 12:36 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by pascaleledumbo View Post
Woke up in the morning and that's the first news that greeted me..It is a sad thing isn't it..Makes me questioned the existence of humanity..

I would also like to say THANK YOU FoL, for sharing your life with us..I don't know how to put it properly, but it has been an enlightenment as well for me (am sure others too)..You have helped, through your sharing, to see things from different light with my own messed up situation..

I usually lurk in this forum..But I'm initiating my first post ever in this forum to say thank you to you..

Hope things are going better and better on your end..Best of luck with everything..Don't stop writing..
Aww. No need to thank me for my very random thoughts. I appreciate this. It made me smile. As long as I am weathering this storm, I will continue writing. Every day is a challenge, so the words will probably be coming for months or even years. I do hope you find clarity in your situation, and you should start a blog. It is very therapeutic to put all of those ideas into something visual. I am charting my growth. It is kind of stunted right now, but when I look back, I should be able to see it. I hope all is well your way.

Ry
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  #92  
Old 04-16-2013, 03:00 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am back at work after having lunch with my hubby. We had lunch at the Hawksmoor Seven Dials. It was surprisingly delicious. We also made a stop by POP. Bloody Mary flavoured popcorn? Interesting.

We had the chance to talk over lunch. It is the first time that he has opened up to me since all of this fell apart. We talked for close to an hour and a half. It felt good to just talk and to see him relaxing and laughing a little. I was surprised when he reached for my hand because he wanted to hold it. I was even more surprised when he hugged and kissed me after lunch. I am not big on hugging, but in that moment it felt great being in his arms. Years later and his kisses still take my breath away.

I like that we are reconnecting and rebuilding. I never know what each day will hold. I missed days like this where we would grab lunch and go for a walk through Hyde Park. We used to do those things, and then, they just kind of came to a screeching halt. I missed "us," and that inexplicable connection that we had. It is nice to see glimmers of it returning.

Si and I have been talking via text. We have a lunch date on Friday. Matt and Si will be watching my little duckie during her ballet class today. I have a meeting, and I cannot make it. I hope they keep the peace and keep their distance. The little duckie wanted to see Si, so Matt extended an invitation. She took him up on the offer. It is just 45 minutes, so if necessary, they can sit on opposite ends and not say anything to each other. I trust that they will behave. *Fingers crossed*

-Ry
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  #93  
Old 04-16-2013, 06:39 PM
InAndOut InAndOut is offline
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Ry:

Thank you for sharing your story and your journey. I'm a lurker, and I do hope you continue to share your experiences. I relate to some parts for different reasons. I've had days where I want to walk back thru the door of monogamy, and I'm seeing that it's hard but not the most challenging thing.

I have some questions, if you don't mind. What's been the hardest part of transitioning? Do you feel like you're denying part of who you are, or does that change by the day? What lessons are you hoping to learn? Why do you think it's hard for you see the positives from your situation? Do you think that's gonna change in time? If you had to offer advice to a newbie, what would it consist of? Do you think your DH and ex-g/f will ever be friends again? If not, do you think that will affect parenting? Thanks for your answers.

I wish you all the luck in the world with your marriage and your ex-g/f. The move, too. I live in Columbus, Ohio, and while it's diverse people wise, I wonder what else is in the world. You seem like a strong woman, and I can't imagine what must go thru your head on a daily basis. I'm cheering you on. I have to thank you because I see things from a different light now. It's more to consider than what's on the surface.

Last edited by InAndOut; 04-16-2013 at 06:41 PM.
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  #94  
Old 04-16-2013, 07:15 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Thank you for sharing your story and your journey. I'm a lurker, and I do hope you continue to share your experiences. I relate to some parts for different reasons. I've had days where I want to walk back thru the door of monogamy, and I'm seeing that it's hard but not the most challenging thing.
It is exceedingly hard. I am in for the challenge of a lifetime, and I never knew quite what to expect, so I started this journey blindly. Of all the people who are in my life, they are either mono and open minded or poly with varying levels of open/close mindedness. None of them had transitioned from one to the other, so they struggled to understand. Some of them still do not, and I have lost people. I am okay with that. It is a brand new kind of me, and I am seeing this all the way through. No need to thank me. I am doing what helps me get through every day: writing and getting these thoughts out. I still do no what is on the other side of the mono door, but I am okay with that and dealing with it as it comes.

Quote:
I have some questions, if you don't mind. What's been the hardest part of transitioning? Do you feel like you're denying part of who you are, or does that change by the day? What lessons are you hoping to learn? Why do you think it's hard for you see the positives from your situation? Do you think that's gonna change in time? If you had to offer advice to a newbie, what would it consist of? Do you think your DH and ex-g/f will ever be friends again? If not, do you think that will affect parenting? Thanks for your answers.
The hardest part has been integrating the way my life used to be with the way it is now while continuing to work on my marriage via counselling and trying to earn my husband's trust back. It is a slow moving process, and while we are working together, we are also working separately on ourselves. Matt is not comfortable getting comfortable with the idea of it being two of us. He is awkward around me and keeping me at bay and almost at a safe distance. I know that stems from him not trusting me with his heart, but it still hurts that he would rather not get too close for fear of being hurt by me again.

Due to my breakup still being fresh and just weeks old, I do not feel that I am denying myself of anything. I have my hands full with the marriage, our children, my career, working on my friendship with Si, and just everything. I do not have the time to miss what I may or may not ever actually want. Do I have moments where I miss Si being my girlfriend? Yes, but I come back down to earth and reality and realise that right now, that is the last thing I need to be thinking about.

I am hoping to be a better wife, a better listener, and just an overall better person. I need to learn the art of balanced compromise. Matt was giving, giving, giving, and I sat down and realised I have not given up anything. He gave up his ideals, principles, and moral beliefs. He gave up his idea of marriage. It was always him making concessions and compromises. It was always him having to share or make adjustments to be accommodating. The scales of balance were horrible. I want to learn to not take my husband and our family for granted. I did that and nearly lost everything. I played Russian Roulette, and it was a stupid choice. I banked on Matt being that solid, stable relationship who would always be there, and I was complacent. Silly me. I am learning.

I see very few positives because I caused so much damage in my journey of polydom. I sacrificed family, friends, my husband, my marriage, my family, and everything just so that I could say, "No one was blocking my greatness or trying to fit me into a box." I did not realise the level of devastation until it was all said and done. I saw it happening, but I never processed it. It was a humbling experience and one hell of a rude awakening. I am now...wide awake. This may or may not change. At the current moment, the negatives are outweighing the positives by a landslide.

My advice to a newbie. Listen to your partner(s) and hear them out when they tell you what they need. Keep reading my blog, and there will be a million and one insightful thoughts.

I do not believe they will ever be friends. Matt has made is clear and ran around in circles saying it, but he is 110% sure he does not want a friendship. He has to work with Si, but once the clock strikes x time, she is out of his mind and not even a distant thought. I think it will affect parenting. Seeing as how we are moving thousands of km away, I wonder how the dynamics will work out. With that, I have to take it step by step and worry about it later. There is a lot to consider.

Quote:
I wish you all the luck in the world with your marriage and your ex-g/f. The move, too. I live in Columbus, Ohio, and while it's diverse people wise, I wonder what else is in the world. You seem like a strong woman, and I can't imagine what must go thru your head on a daily basis. I'm cheering you on. I have to thank you because I see things from a different light now. It's more to consider than what's on the surface.
Thank you. I am a mum, and any mother will tell you we are the strongest people in the world. Once you survive labour, everything else pales in comparison! My thoughts are all over the map. The best thoughts strike me during the wee hours of the AM. The insomniac in me thrives and feels the need to think like crazy. Drives me positively batty! I hope all is well on your side of the world!

-Ry
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  #95  
Old 04-16-2013, 10:36 PM
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I know that once trust is lost, no matter what the reason, it can take a long time to heal it. I have a history of being an easy giver of trust, but once I feel betrayed, I am much more wary. I can tell you that the church will never get my trust again, but then that's partly because I know the church doesn't value my trust. When someone feels like their trust is valuable to you, they will be more willing to return to it eventually, even if it takes a long time. I see progress with Matt, but I also don't know if he will ever trust poly again. Given that, it's no wonder why you're not feeling too trusting toward poly either. I think regaining Matt's trust is the most important thing to you right now. It will be a lengthy and complicated process. What would more poly accomplish but to push Matt away even further? I don't blame you for not wanting to touch poly with a ten-foot pole.

I think you can be poly-friendly without being poly per se. I am in an MFM V, so it's just us two guys (platonic friendship) and one gal. This means each guy only has "half a wife," whereas the gal has "two husbands." So yes, the men end up filling some of their time with things they might not have time for in a one-man-one-woman situation.

I could probably look for an additional partner if I wanted to, but I don't really want to. So I am not really all that different from your position with respect to poly. Technically, both us guys are monogamous, only she is the one who is living polyamorously. But the guys have to be poly-friendly of course, or it wouldn't work.

If I remember right, Matt knew you were poly-minded before you guys got married, so he was technically not blindsided by that part. However, I think he discovered that he was not able to tolerate a poly existence, and when he came to you with that concern, he felt that he was not heard. That's the point I think where things started to break down, where Matt started to feel like he was being dismissed, and was not important to the woman he loved.

He has to recover from that injury, and I'm sure the recovery won't be quick or easy. But I am still hopeful. It sounds like glimpses of trust are returning to him. It is actually quite encouraging to see that, when you think of how short of a time it has been. Stay with the counseling, I think it is helping and will continue to help.

I kind of hope I don't speak too much out of turn; I know this is your blog and I do respect it as your space and platform. Unfortunately, I'm quite a long-winded type. But I do mean to let you know that I support your feelings and position.
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  #96  
Old 04-16-2013, 11:40 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I want no part of it right now. It is going to be a long time before I earn Matt's trust back. That is a huge goal at hand. I know that if I add another relationship to an already delicate situation, it will push him even further away. We are still treating it like a poly relationship time wise, but that other person would be the final nail in the coffin. Marital suicide is not something I want to try out. I know he will never trust poly again. I can say that with 100% certainty. He tolerated it for years, but he never accepted it. What a difference it makes.

I can probably be poly-friendly without needing to practise. The odds of Matt being poly-friendly are about as high as seeing a leprechaun doing an Irish jig at the end of the rainbow. I will give him credit for trying to be receptive, but I know what the real deal is. At least he is not selling me dreams and false hope. He never promised to try to be accepting of it this time. I do appreciate his honesty.

Matt knew, but having minimal contact with it, never experiencing an ounce of compersion, or even having to acknowledge the other person is probably why he tolerated it for so long. It was not until Si became a constant presence, part of our marriage, and part of our family that it hit home that he could not stomach it. Not asking him how he felt about her being a co-parent. Not asking him how he felt about her being involved in my pregnancy. I even consider not asking him how he felt about being out as part of things that I/we should have talked to him about before making final decisions. He dealt with it, but I think he was just content. The resentment was probably always there. I wonder if he was ever actually happy with this arrangement. He described it as having happy "moments," but for about x % of the time, he was just content and going through the motions. The messed up part is he was not heard. His concerns were valid. You could say he was dismissed. I admitted to being complacent and a list of missteps. I admitted that my relationship overshadowed my marriage. I admitted that I could understand how he was feeling. I put myself in his shoes, and I would have left years ago.

I think he will recover in due time, but it is not going to be remotely easy. I am not rushing him, but I am encouraging him to take his time and do what it takes to feel comfortable. He knows that I am here for him in any way he needs me to be.

Tiny glimpses of trust are emerging. Every step forward means there will be a few taken backwards. Counselling is a weekly thing, and it has helped tremendously. That is the one time of week where he opens up to me. Other than that, he keeps his feelings to himself and isolates when we are at home. He does not trust me with his heart, so I have no choice but to respect that. He talked to me over lunch, but I could tell he was holding back.

You do not speak out of turn or too much. I always enjoy your comments and appreciate your insight. Thank you for the support.
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  #97  
Old 04-16-2013, 11:49 PM
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Well I appreciate that. I am eager to be of support (and encouraged by each step forward, even if it does have a few steps backwards).

Re:
Quote:
"The odds of Matt being poly-friendly are about as high as seeing a leprechaun doing an Irish jig at the end of the rainbow."
LOL, I will have to google that and find out what the odds are.
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  #98  
Old 04-17-2013, 12:49 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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One thing missing these days is physical intimacy. I feel like I need to start sleeping in a flannel nightgown, facial cream, headgear, knee socks, and rollers. I would probably get more of a rise out of him. Like seriously. I feel like he does not notice what I sleep in or look like. The Agent Provocateur, La Perla, and all lingerie are not working.

I think this stems from the lack of trust as well. He probably thinks I am going to fake it, so he pulls away from me. I believe another piece of this is he feels like he might not be enough to satisfy me. He could have been feeling like that subconsciously all this time. Can I just say that rejection sucks?

I am not even big on cuddling, but these days I am. We were cuddling yesterday morning. (I sleep curled up in his arms. I feel safe and secure that way. He has no problem holding me all night.) Nothing like EML (early morning loving), right? Things were heating up, but then he stopped and pulled away from me. His excuse was that he had to get ready for work. I found myself frustrated and hurt. I rarely cry, but I wanted to in that moment. I blinked away the tears and shook it off. It was not like he was mean or nasty about it. I guess I was just extra sensitive right then.

We talked about it before he went to bed a little while ago, and Matt assured me that it was not me. It was him, but he is working on it. I told him that my feelings were hurt. He apologised and promised that I was just as beautiful, sexy, and attractive as always. Too bad, I did not feel that way when he rejected me.

I am off to bed. I have to be at work for 10 today. Working on my day off. Crazy.


-Ry
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Old 04-17-2013, 02:01 AM
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Re:
Quote:
"One thing missing these days is physical intimacy."
God that sucks, well I think it does anyway. Maybe you're not getting "physically rejected" per se, but you're getting rejected by way of that lack of trust. That actually seems worse than if it was because "I'm not attracted anymore." It's like being rejected for a personality reason. Ouch, ouch.

I don't suppose there's any chance he could give you a timetable on this aspect of it. Naming a time (estimated date) when he thinks he will be able to do the physical intimacy thing again. You would think he must miss it too, even if it doesn't feel safe to him right now.

God that sucks.
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Old 04-17-2013, 12:36 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Re:


God that sucks, well I think it does anyway. Maybe you're not getting "physically rejected" per se, but you're getting rejected by way of that lack of trust. That actually seems worse than if it was because "I'm not attracted anymore." It's like being rejected for a personality reason. Ouch, ouch.

I don't suppose there's any chance he could give you a timetable on this aspect of it. Naming a time (estimated date) when he thinks he will be able to do the physical intimacy thing again. You would think he must miss it too, even if it doesn't feel safe to him right now.

God that sucks.
It sucks bonobo balls. Matt might as well have said, "I am not attracted to you anymore." Physically he is. That much I do know, but something in that brain or heart of his is saying no.

A timetable would be wonderful. I get the feeling that an exact date will not be reasonable. I asked him this morning. All he said was in time. That could be weeks or months. If he misses it, I cannot tell.
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