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  #1  
Old 06-03-2014, 08:28 PM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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Default The Best Life Yet

Hello. I'm Reverie, and I'm brand new here! I'm mostly new to poly, too. I figured that I'd share my story here to inspire others—so far, it's going really well!—and also to chronicle my personal life in a way that I kind of can't on my "real" blog.

About me:

I'm a 32-year-old bi-but-closer-to-straight woman who moved across the country about a year ago. I'm still getting my bearings in my new home state, and I've met some wonderful people here.

My poly backstory:

I've never been particularly good with monogamy. From the first stirrings of puberty, I almost always had crushes on more than one guy at once. When I was younger than I am now and had less self control, I used to cheat on people—I never started out meaning to, but I played with fire and often burned myself and those around me. I've since learned to control my sexual urges when necessary, and I haven't cheated on anyone in years.

I was in a poly relationship once before, albeit briefly. When my marriage ended some years ago, I was dating someone and I decided that poly was something that I wanted to do, and I added another partner to that relationship. Neither of those partners was very interested in poly—each decided to give it a try for me—and when the first relationship didn't work out for other reasons, I agreed to give monogamy a try again with the remaining partner, since I was already in love with him and didn't want to lose him. Four years later, I was feeling the chafe of monogamy, and asked him to open the relationship. He didn't want to, and the relationship ended.

The current situation:

Now I am in a poly relationship with Rider, 37, who was a good friend of mine for months before things took a turn for the romantic/sexual (though I believe there was some mutual-but-undiscussed crushing happening for a while). We've been dating for about three months, and are still in the HOLYSHITBALLS stage of NRE. Rider's other girlfriend, Claire, is 27. They have an interesting history, in that they dated for a while years ago, had a rocky breakup and didn't speak for years, and then they reconnected about a year before I started dating him. She's the one who introduced him to the idea of poly, in this most recent incarnation of their relationship.

Rider and Claire have a different set of boundaries than Rider and I do. Claire prefers something akin to a DADT policy, though she knows about me. She doesn't like to hear specifics, and she doesn't (to my knowledge) share specifics with Rider about her extraneous activities. By contrast, Rider and I tell each other EVERYTHING—every place we go, every person we meet, every joy and every nagging insecurity or fear. It's been that way since before we started dating: a totally unguarded friendship. I generally see him 2–4 times per week, depending on what's going on in other areas of each of our lives.

I've been going on outside dates, but I haven't met anyone I've really clicked with yet. I'm really swept away by Rider, but it would be nice to have someone to go out with when he's busy with Claire, so I keep making dates when the opportunity presents itself. I've also recently become active in a poly social group in my area.

I'm really enjoying the poly dynamic so far. The BIGGEST perk for me is that—though it might anyway—my relationship doesn't HAVE TO end. Before I always felt like my relationships had a built-in expiration date, because I'd always get interested in someone else, and I'd begin to feel trapped, like I had to forsake one love to pursue the other. No longer! The second-biggest perk is probably that feeling that I don't have to be everything to someone: if there's something that I can't give a partner, they can go find it somewhere else, and I needn't fear losing them to that something else—they can enjoy it concurrently. Thus, no more worrying about not having big enough breasts, or an assertive enough demeanor, or a shared love of sports or what-have-you.

Read on, if you are interested in my story. If not, that's fine too; I'm in large part keeping this as a journal for my own purposes. First status post to follow shortly!
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Old 06-03-2014, 08:54 PM
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This week, I'm actually quite busy! I've made a date for Thursday with Alex, the male half of a very attractive engaged poly couple whom I met through OKC. I'm nervous about it, but mostly because I can be kind of shy one-on-one with new people. I had the pleasure of meeting both of them in a group setting not long ago, and I liked them both. I find him to be very aesthetically pleasing, so that's a start.

I think I've become a little spoiled by my intense chemistry with Rider, to where everything pales in comparison. When I first met Rider, it wasn't sexual per se, but I felt this utterly compelling magnetism toward him, like I *needed* to talk to him and *needed* to get to know him, despite the fact that he wasn't at all what my previously established physical "type" was. And we became fast friends with many things uncannily in common. I almost instantly felt like I'd known him for eons. Over time, that comfort and connection built into sexual tension, and the rest is history.

I realize that I can't expect to have that bizarre cosmic-level draw to just anyone, but it still makes dating difficult. In a way, interacting with other people is like looking at photos with the color-saturation turned down in Photoshop: the imagery can still be beautiful, but it doesn't grab me in its intensity.

At least this week, I have more events than usual planned with Rider. I am getting an uncharacteristic nearly-5 days! Nearly-5 because the fifth is the birthday celebration of the friend who introduced us, so it won't be "our" night, exactly, but we'll still be there together. And the other 4 nights are solid "us."

I felt a little guilty about this at first, because I felt like maybe Claire was getting cheated out of some time, but then again, I let her have him for more time than usual last week, and I'll be out of town on business for part of next week, so I think it all balances out.

It's funny—I find myself often trying to act as the caretaker of Rider and Claire's relationship. I always want to make sure that she gets her time with him, and I try to do things like make sure that he remembers to wash his sheets, or I pick up my things that are lying around his apartment, so as not to trigger any bad feelings for her. I'm truly and genuinely happy that they have each other, and I know she gives him things that I could not. That sounds odd to my own ears, but it's totally true. I do wish that she were a little more comfortable with me, to the point where she and I could maybe be friends some day, but I guess time will tell on that front. Even though she's the one who suggested poly to him, I think I'm the first other person that he's dated who has a viable shot at being permanent, and I guess she deals with that and with the jealousy that can come up in her own way.
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Old 06-04-2014, 09:27 PM
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A few quick words about jealousy:

So, I'm basically one of the least jealous people on the planet. I actively like sharing my partner, both in the moment (i.e., threesomes, etc.) and at a distance (i.e., knowing he's off doing what he wants to do and getting as many experiences as he can out of this short life). It makes me happy for him to be happy, and by extension, it makes me happy when the other people he's involved with are happy, because that makes him happy. It's like an ever-giving happiness avalanche.

That said, over the past weekend, I ran up against one of the first little pangs of jealousy I've had since starting this situation up about three or four months ago. I actually took it as a good thing, though, in that it was a learning experience: I got to learn exactly where the boundaries of my own emotional comfort are, and I got to turn that little stab of negativity over in my head and inspect it, figuring out more about myself in the process.

Basically, what had happened was that the weekend before last, I'd had my best friend, Oona, visiting from out of town, and Rider and Oona had not met before, since I met him upon moving here a year ago, and she hadn't come to see me yet. We had a big weekend of going out planned, and we ended up all sleeping together, and Oona and I kind of monopolized Rider's time for most of the weekend. I felt bad about this, so I insisted that the following weekend (last weekend), Rider take Claire to an event that I had originally asked him to go to with me. This meant that I wouldn't get to see him for three solid days. I told him we could just get lunch on Sunday and hang out Sunday night, but she'd have him Thursday through Saturday.

This was all well and good for most of the weekend. I had a lot of work to catch up on and chores to do, plus I had plans with friends Thursday and Friday nights. Sure, I missed him, as I always do when not in his presence (the NRE is strong with this one), but it was nothing unbearable.

Then I logged into Facebook late Saturday night, and saw in my news feed that Claire's Pandora Radio app auto-posts what she is listening to, and I saw that she had tuned it to the station that I know that Rider likes to have sex to. Holy gut-punch, Batman! I was appalled, and I was appalled at myself for being appalled. It's not like I didn't know they were going to be having sex over that three day span. Indeed, I expected and even wanted them to. But something about knowing the exact moment when the fun started really got to me. I quickly hid the Pandora app from ever posting to my feed again, and I breathed through the negative emotions, finding my zen place.

I think what it boiled down to was pure envy: I was working late, alone, not having any fun, and they were doing things that I wish I could have been doing with him. My mind immediately zeroed in on the idea of my kissing his neck where it is the softest, and I was frustrated that I couldn't be doing that—it was all an infantile frustration response at having to delay gratification.

The second small thing was that the next day, I woke up to him texting me saying that he was going to get lunch with her and then we could meet up. My heart sank—I'd asked for him to have lunch with me! He doesn't have a great memory (neither do I, for that matter), so I was certain it wasn't something that he did on purpose, and the truth is that I actually could really use the extra time to primp before seeing him. Still, seeing him extend their already-three-day date left me heavy of heart. We talked about it, and he explained that he was trying to find a polite way to segue out of her presence and into mine, which makes a lot of sense, given that she's generally the less comfortable partner in the situation. I do understand that, and I also think that he'll think a little more carefully about what I've requested of him in the future.

So everything is still fantastic! But I thought it was worth a mention that even in the most laid-back, happy relationships, and even in the most laid-back, happy people, there are still moments when little twinges of jealousy and envy arise. I was genuinely surprised when it happened to me, because I had thought that I was totally immune to it. But as it turns out, just the right (wrong?) combination of days apart, unexpected information, and casual thoughtlessness can inspire these bad feelings even in me!

It makes me appreciate to some degree what the naturally jealous people go through, except they have to deal with it in much greater intensity.
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Old 06-06-2014, 12:59 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reverie View Post
Read on, if you are interested in my story. If not, that's fine too; I'm in large part keeping this as a journal for my own purposes. First status post to follow shortly!
I've enjoyed your first posts! Definitely will keep reading.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Reverie View Post
...The second-biggest perk is probably that feeling that I don't have to be everything to someone: if there's something that I can't give a partner, they can go find it somewhere else, and I needn't fear losing them to that something else—they can enjoy it concurrently. Thus, no more worrying about not having big enough breasts, or an assertive enough demeanor, or a shared love of sports or what-have-you.
This is actually one of the biggest perks for me - not feeling like someone is looking to me to meet ALL of their needs (not that I could anyway). AND not having to be disappointed, or go without, expecting someone to meet all of MINE. I can enjoy people for who they are, and they can enjoy me for who I am, and we can enjoy other people for the unique qualities that THEY have...no one has to force themselves into a mold that doesn't fit.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 06-06-2014, 03:15 AM
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Thanks, Jane!

Quote:
I can enjoy people for who they are, and they can enjoy me for who I am, and we can enjoy other people for the unique qualities that THEY have...no one has to force themselves into a mold that doesn't fit.
That's great, isn't it? Before Rider and I started dating, a mutual friend (I don't think she knew he was poly) saw the attraction between us and told me—unsolicited—that she didn't think anything would work between us, because he's a submissive and I don't have any experience being dominant. As it turns out, he gets that need met elsewhere, which gives me time to explore whether or not I could even do that for him as well, without feeling any sort of pressure that he's "going without." It's really handy!
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Old 06-06-2014, 03:35 AM
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So my date with Alex ended up not being a "date" at all—he has things going on on the home-front that are making him need to focus on his primary relationship—but it was a great platonic hangout. He's very intelligent and very nice. We had a good time getting to know each other a little bit. Who knows how things will shake out there; at the very least, I'm happy to have a new friend.

Things are still going incredibly well on the Rider side of things. Tonight is Claire's night, and although I miss him (as always), I'm happy that they're getting their time together. I get three straight nights with him this weekend: one is "our" night to have QT alone time, one together at a friend's birthday party (which is also the 1-year anniversary of our meeting one another!), and the last double-dating with a couple of (non-poly) friends of his.

I'm also starting to make plans for his upcoming birthday in just over a month. There is a bit of a question as to whether there will be a "custody" issue between Claire and me on his actual birthday; I told him I'm fine if he flips a coin to decide who goes home with him after the event he has planned that night, but I'd like to know sooner rather than later, so I can plan for special sexytimes sort of stuff. I'm leaving the decision totally up to him—no input or influence.

I know he has events planned all three nights of his birthday weekend (he's a popular guy, and tends to have out-of-town friends visiting to celebrate), so I'm fine with bowing out of parts if she wants them. I don't want to miss the main event, though. I plan to be there, cake in hand, and she can come if she can find the comfort within herself to do so, or not, if not. Hell, I'd be willing to have a threesome that night with them, so as not to make him choose, but I think that is out in faaaaaar left field in terms of things she'd ever be comfortable with. She's apparently bi and has mentioned the idea of them having a threesome, but he's suggested that I'm the last person she'd want to invite to that party, LOL. ::shrug::

On the threesome front, anyway, I am very much looking forward to the trip that I am taking to visit Oona in a few weeks, for which Rider will be joining me for a portion of it. Things went very well the first time, when she visited me, and I'm certainly hoping for a repeat of those activities. My relationship with her is unique: we've been best friends for over a decade, and occasionally, that transitions into FWB and then back to normal BFF again. She's more heteroflexible than bi, but we love each other so much that that affection sometimes turns passionate (especially when we are drunk). She's currently single, and she has a thing for tall guys with certain, ahem, endowments—both of which are traits that Rider possesses. Since she doesn't have regular access to those things on her own, I've offered to share whenever the opportunity presents itself. Win/win/win. What are friends for? LOL
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Old 06-10-2014, 12:44 AM
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Oh man, I had the most amazing weekend with Rider. It totally made up for barely getting to see him the previous weekend. We didn't even do anything particularly phenomenal (except for have lots of sex, which is ALWAYS phenomenal with him), we just hung out, visited with friends, ate food, watched some episodes of a show, collaborated on a creative endeavor, slept in, etc.

Hanging out with him is absolutely my favorite thing. We often joke that we could be cleaning toilets together and still be having a good time—indeed, once we did just that, while tidying his house for a visit from his dad. It was so comforting to get to spend three consecutive nights in his bed. I'm going to be traveling for work in the latter part of this week, so it was nice to sort of front-load some hangout time. Claire will be getting my usual Wednesday to make up for it. Rider said that she said something very sweet recently, about how happy she is that he's getting to experience so many new things and getting to have everything that he wants. So it appears that the compersion goes both ways, which is nice to know.

On a less pleasant note, there was a bit of an issue that came to light today about something that had happened a few weeks ago. There was a woman, Sherry, that Rider had been in sort of a casual LDR with a while back, and she recently decided that she didn't want to be his friend anymore, which really hurt his feelings.

The backstory is that about a year ago, the two of them had met locally when Sherry was in town on business, and they had hit it off immediately, even though Sherry lives QUITE far away. Like a really long plane-ride far. They'd hooked up, and continued a casual situation through online friendships and her mailing him things, and whenever she'd come back into town, which I think happened only a couple of times, they'd hook up again. She knew that he was seeing Claire, as well as one other woman, but at the time, he wasn't particularly serious about any of them, and she knew that. He had been (unrelatedly) considering a move to a location a lot closer to where she lived, and I think she got her hopes up that he might move there and start seeing only her.

Of course, that is not what happened. Shortly after beginning to hang out with me, Rider decided that moving was no longer what he wanted to do, but he figured he could still keep up their very casual situation. Meanwhile, he started getting more serious with Claire and also with me, to the point where he had to tell Sherry that we were all kind of a package deal now, so she would know what to expect when the time came for her to be back in town. She didn't like that at all, and told him that she'd be fine continuing their friendship, but that she didn't want to continue the romantic/sexual aspect of it. He was a little disappointed, but understood, and they had agreed to still hang out the next time she was in town.

The next time she came to town coincided with my visit from my best friend, Oona. Rider blocked out an afternoon to have brunch with Sherry, and they sat and talked for a while, and apparently, she poured a bunch of emotions on him about how hurt she was by how everything went down. He came back from that brunch kind of shaken, but when he, Oona, and I saw Sherry out at an event later that night, she was talkative and friendly to all of us. Since then, though, she's unfriended him on Facebook and sent him an email asking him to remove her from his Google Plus so that she stops getting notifications. She said that she feels like a fool for her "obviously unreciprocated" feelings and can't bear to be his friend anymore.

It's sad, because he totally did (does?) have feelings for her. He's told me more than once that if she lived locally, he would absolutely want to have dated her more seriously, but the 3,500 miles between them got in the way of that. And I guess maybe they hadn't discussed the poly thing in as great of a detail as they ought to have. She knew about the other people he was dating, but I guess since nothing was relationship-level serious at the time, she assumed that if he fell for her, it would be just them.

To me, that seems like kind of a large leap to make when you're in a very casual situation at such a great distance, especially when you know that the other person is actively regularly seeing other people. But Rider is quite bewitching, and I can see how the fantasy would be tempting. Apparently, they were quite sexually compatible, and she enjoyed doting on him as the older partner (I think she's somewhere in the 42-44 range). I just feel like it was unwise for her to stake so much emotionally on such an uncertain situation...but I guess the heart does what it wants.

As for me, I feel really bad for Rider that he's lost a friend. She was kind of a staple on his Facebook page, and I know he enjoyed their conversations. He tends to get really wounded when romantic relationships can't segue into friendships, and he also feels really guilty about breaking her heart, although he understands that there was probably nothing he could have done to make things work out differently. I'm happy to be there for him while he mourns the friendship, and we've discussed the circumstances that led to the trouble and agreed that it probably won't happen again now that he's already in a serious relationship and can just be upfront about that.

I'm still feeling really bland about dating, myself. I have plans to hang out with some people platonically, which is cool, but I feel no particular drive to seek more. I'm sure that lightning will strike somewhere eventually (it always does), but for now, I spend all of my time either WITH Rider or daydreaming about him. I'm utterly disgustingly in love with him. Oona mentioned the idea of monogamy to me, since I seem to be so smitten with him, and it struck me just how much she doesn't "get it." I want to do poly with him in part BECAUSE I'm so smitten with him—it's the only way that our being together will never have to end. Even if Claire didn't exist (and she totally does, and I'm happy about it), eventually I'd get attracted to someone else and feel that horrible, trapped feeling of having to either betray him (by leaving/cheating) or betray myself (by suppressing my own nature in favor of some ideal).

So just because I'm "functionally monogamous" right now, it doesn't make me less poly in my wiring. It's still what I want and need, and it's still making me happier than I've ever been in my life. It's just that at the moment, I don't happen to have multiple steady partners. But when the time comes that I do feel that attraction and connection to someone, I'll be able to pursue it without having to second guess or feel guilty. It'll happen. It always does.
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Reverie: 32/bi/f/poly
Rider: Reverie's boyfriend, 38/str/poly
Claire: Rider's other girlfriend, 27/bi/poly
Moss: Reverie's boyfriend/ex-husband (LDR), 39/str/mono
Oona: Reverie's BFF, 36/bi/f/mono/single
Sam: Rider's BFF, 38/str/m/mono/single
Brandon: Reverie's casual dating partner, 32/str/m/poly-curious
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Old 06-13-2014, 06:05 AM
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Good news, bad news, and awesome news...

Let's start with the good news.

So, I got a Facebook message today from the previously mentioned Sherry, the woman who had a casual LDR going on with Rider that ended badly once he took up with me and Claire seriously. Out of nowhere, she just wanted to let me know that she thinks I'm awesome and that there are no hard feelings, it's just that poly is not for her, so she has decided that she must retreat to protect her feelings. She passed along some fashion info that the two of us had discussed when I'd met her that weekend, and suggested that in the future, when her heart heals, we could maybe be friends. I was shocked and pleasantly surprised! I'd felt a little bad about coming between them, even unintentionally, so it gave me an in to tell her that, and we were totally cool by the end of it. Oh, how I love mature, reasonable adults!

The bad(ish) news is that maybe I went too far in assuming compersion on Claire's part when she said supportive things to Rider the other day, because, apparently, last weekend she hid both of our Facebook feeds, so she wouldn't have to see the things we were posting while we were together. Now, none of it was pictures of us together, but we definitely posted pics of each other doing (totally nonsexual) activities, and I checked us in to locations, and we posted random stuff like music to each other's pages or stuff about being happy, etc. Apparently, she is made uncomfortable by any of that.

In a way, I feel bad, like I should have been doing a better job of not squeeing over my relationship. But on the other hand of it, I'm relieved to not have to think about what I'm posting in that regard. Before, I always tried to take her feelings somewhat into consideration, e.g., not posting pics of he and I giving each other obviously stupid-in-love stares, etc. Now, with our feeds hidden, I guess I don't have to think about it much any more.

I am super-impressed with her maturity in getting to the level that it has; a less mature person might have demanded compliance from others—tried to tell us or him what we could or couldn't post. In her case, she recognized that the hang-up was her own, and she dealt with in the manner of controlling things that she actually had control over (her FB feed), rather than trying to impose control on others' actions. I respect the shit out of that.

Still, there is some part of me that is disappointed that she and I can't just kind of join up in some sort of sisterhood: be fighting as teammates on Team Make Rider's Life Awesome instead of being adversaries in some sort of invisible Cold War.

And then the awesome news:

Well, I guess it may be too soon to even call it that, but it feels that way to me right now, so I'm running with it...today, I mentioned to my boss that I have a new boyfriend. My work situation is both awesome and a little stressful, in that I work remotely, and I love my job, but my boss has made it clear to me that to truly advance in my career, make significantly more money, and gain a higher position in the company, I'd need to relocate to Opposite Coast, where they're opening a new office. Now, I'm not opposed to the idea of living on Opposite Coast; in fact, I've lived there before and have fond memories.

But I love Current Coast and I've started to build a life here, Rider included. Jobs are jobs, and they can happen anywhere. This thing I feel with Rider feels utterly unique. I could maybe stay for him. I've seriously considered it.

The timeline that my boss gave me was one to two years; at that point Opposite Coast Office will be up and running, and I would be taking on more responsibility and probably managing some people. It's a great professional opportunity.

However, Rider has likewise been building his career here, on Current Coast. Despite having been fairly nomadic in his youth, he's been here for twelve years, and at his current job for nearly five. I think it's one of his first "real jobs" with salary and benefits and all. On its face, my going to Opposite Coast would mean leaving him.

The topic of my leaving came up a month or two ago, when I was on a business trip. I dropped the bomb that I'd tentatively agreed to eventually go. He ceded that he'd also been thinking of leaving Current Coast before he met me, and that my coming into his life was one of the reasons he'd decided to stay, but he still sounded super wary of the idea of my leaving (and thus eventually possibly trying to convince him to come along).

I had one intoxicated moment a couple of weeks ago in which I pleadingly confessed that that was truly my deepest desire: for him to come with me. But I almost immediately apologized, and tried to make it clear that I never want to infringe on his autonomy, least of all with pleas—it was a moment of indiscretion and raw emotion. And I let the matter rest.

Well, back to today, when I mentioned Rider to my boss, my boss immediately started a line of questioning that ended up somewhere in the neighborhood of "yeah, but would he be willing to come to Opposite Coast?" I made vague noises about the future being unknowable, and I went to Rider with the contents of the conversation. What he said next surprised the hell out of me.

He said he'd been thinking just this morning about that very thing, and that, while nothing is certain, and I should give him any timeline information when I get it, he feels like our connection might be a once-in-a-lifetime thing, and that he doesn't want to be parted from me.

Holy shit.

Because I totally feel the same way. Maybe I'll end up staying on Current Coast and snubbing my job. Maybe he'll follow his thirst for adventure and come with me to Opposite Coast. But it sounds like as long as nothing major changes, we're going to be together.

It's true that I'm not going to consent to any concrete plans in the throes of deep, crazy NRE—this is why I'm SUPER-thankful that my boss is giving me a year or two to make the decision—but to know that he feels the same way, and that each of us has considered making that sacrifice for the other...its value is beyond measure.

I do feel (again) a little guilt about where that whole thing would leave Claire. Obviously, if I stay here, it's no problem. But if Rider moves with me...I kind of doubt that she would come with us. Not that I wouldn't welcome her—I *so* would! I'd get a three-bedroom apartment if I'd been with him for that long, and him with her—it's that I think SHE would never go for it.

I mean, she's young, she's exploring and doing her own thing, and connections come and go, so I shouldn't feel too bad, but part of me does. The other part, admittedly, is doing flashing neon cartwheels of happiness: me + Rider + some mystery life together on Opposite Coast!

I'm not going to get too far ahead of myself, though. One day at a time, and if my relationship with Rider is solid enough and unclouded-by-NRE enough by the time my boss makes his final proposition, we'll see what happens.

In the meantime, I'm going to *squeeeeeeee* only a little at the idea of dreamy possibility. I love that man with a fierceness heretofore unknown by humans. RAWR RAWR RAWR
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Reverie: 32/bi/f/poly
Rider: Reverie's boyfriend, 38/str/poly
Claire: Rider's other girlfriend, 27/bi/poly
Moss: Reverie's boyfriend/ex-husband (LDR), 39/str/mono
Oona: Reverie's BFF, 36/bi/f/mono/single
Sam: Rider's BFF, 38/str/m/mono/single
Brandon: Reverie's casual dating partner, 32/str/m/poly-curious
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  #9  
Old 06-14-2014, 11:10 PM
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Feeling like a bit of a hypocrite right now, though I suppose I shouldn't be, because we can't control our emotions.

Rider is off trying a new mind-expanding substance for the first time with Claire and two friends right now, and I'm totally jealous. I shouldn't be, because I, myself, no longer take that substance—it started having consistently negative outcomes for me some years ago—so it makes sense that he try it with her, if he wants to try it. But I still feel that way anyway.

I'm quite experienced in the field of substance exploration, having started at a very young age, and being one of those lucky souls who does not have an addictive personality and so can dabble here and there for many years without anything escalating into any sort of ongoing problem. For years, I've enjoyed being the first person with whom many of my boyfriends have indulged in various things.

Rider is no exception to that. He came into my life as a total substance-novice, having tried marijuana a few times and not liking it, and figuring that everything else must be like an even worse version of that. I changed his mind, explaining that marijuana isn't for everyone (it has the same effect on me that it has on him, inducing shyness and insecurity), and that different substances have wildly different effects. Since then, he's tried a couple of things with me that he liked very much, although we limit our indulgence to less than once a month.

Claire had always been a little disappointed that he had been so staunch about not trying things like that, so she's excited to make the most of the new, open-minded Rider. Which is good. I'm glad I've been able to indirectly inject a little more excitement into her life with him.

But I still feel weirdly possessive about the "being first" thing. Even when it makes no sense, because I couldn't even go down that road with him! I guess it would be different if we were all friends, and I could at least be there, hanging out with them and getting to witness his first time. But her DADT-like policy makes that an impossibility. I feel like I want to be along for all the new and exciting things that he does, and it chafes that he is made to choose between which one of us is present, and so I have to miss out.

I'm not even sure that makes sense, but it's what I feel. It's like, I don't mind what they ever do...I just wish I could be there for the first time. If some momentous memory is being made, I absolutely want to share it with him, and to add it to our cache of stories of events we were both there for. I guess I'm just greedy.

I'm also green with envy that they can partake in that at all. I miss the "golden years" when I had so much fun doing exactly what it is that they are doing now, without any negative side effects. I don't know what changed in me, but something did, and now I just can't do it anymore. I guess it's a bit like what I imagine an injured or retired athlete must feel when they see the new, younger team out on the field: wistfulness, envy, nostalgia, sadness.

Even so, I can't wait to see him tomorrow and be regaled with his tales. I've offered myself as an "escape hatch" if he needs it—if the situation gets too intense for him and he needs the calming influence of his best friend. I'd be more than willing to come pick him up, even though it'd be about a two-hour round trip.

In the meantime, I have a lot of work to get done, so I'm going to chip away at it and maybe go out for a beer somewhere afterwards. Just one, so I can step into the role of hero if needed—unlikely, but I did promise.

This feeling will pass, and I'm sure I'll soon be feeling delight at how much fun he had, when he's telling me about it later.
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Reverie: 32/bi/f/poly
Rider: Reverie's boyfriend, 38/str/poly
Claire: Rider's other girlfriend, 27/bi/poly
Moss: Reverie's boyfriend/ex-husband (LDR), 39/str/mono
Oona: Reverie's BFF, 36/bi/f/mono/single
Sam: Rider's BFF, 38/str/m/mono/single
Brandon: Reverie's casual dating partner, 32/str/m/poly-curious
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Old 06-16-2014, 10:14 PM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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Got to spend last night with Rider, and he caught me up on everything that happened while he was off with Claire and friends. Apparently, he just had a grand old time, and we're trying to tease out circumstances in which it might be possible for me to indulge in the same with him at some point in the future. Maybe with him there, I wouldn't have the same problems that I normally do.

One piece of good news is that he told me that Claire has opted out of his birthday party. Now, this isn't "good news" as in "I don't want her there"...I'd love if she and I could be friends and present at the same events and such. It's good news in the sense that, since she WON'T share space with me, there won't be an active conflict about who "gets" to be there.

Rider said that Claire initially showed surprise that he didn't "throw a fit" (the words he gave me) when she told him she didn't want to attend. I don't know why, since throwing fits isn't exactly Rider's style. Then she had a moment of wondering whether it went too easily, and asked whether he even had wanted her there. He reassured her that, of course, she was wanted, but he wasn't going to apply pressure to make her feel bad about not being there, if not being there was what SHE wanted.

I think she purposely kind of places herself in a "secondary" sort of role in his life. He once said that he thought she'd get sick of him if she saw him any more often—she's fiercely independent and needs a lot of space. She keeps herself listed as "single" on both social networking and dating sites, though she has partner-ish expectations and weekly standing dates with Rider. (He and I both have our status unlisted on social networking sites, and listed as being in a poly or open—depending on the site—relationship on dating sites.) She is quick to defer and bow out of situations with large groups of people if she knows I plan to be there.

However, despite the secondary-ness being her own choice, Rider said that she does seem to need reassurance from time to time that she still means a lot to him.

I really don't like the fact that I seem to inspire jealousy and discomfort in the women in my social circle—both who are metamours and who are not. Pretty much every woman attached to Rider, for example, from his former-casual-LDR chick, to his ex whom he was seeing when he and I first formed a friendship, to his longtime best friend (and LONG-AGO former lover), to Claire...all of them have expressed some sort of hurt/discomfort and my presence in his life or some jealousy or done some sort of catty acting out toward me.

And then Alex, the guy whom I'm seeing platonically while he and his fiancée sort things out...it turned out that the thing they needed to sort out was that she felt jealous of and threatened by me. Which is completely ridiculous to me, because I'm not even sparking with him yet, and even if I were, I wouldn't be trying to "steal" him out of a seven-year relationship.

And I'm always really nice to everyone, and I genuinely want to try to be people's friends. So I don't know what gives. I talked to Rider about it a little yesterday, and he said, "Well, you know, you're VERY pretty, and I think lots of girls find that threatening." But I don't understand how my looks alone could be enough to alienate every woman who is connected to every man I'm trying to connect to. Yes, people generally consider me to be pretty and thin, but I'm no supermodel, for sure; probably about an objective 7 or 8 where Natalie Portman and Milla Jovovich are 10s, LOL.

So, maybe I'm doing something wrong that I can't see? Or maybe this is just how it is in poly-world, and I'm weird for being welcoming and less jealous? I really like doing the poly thing so far (and I'm functionally monogamous, at least for the moment), but I worry that this is how it's going to be the whole time? Or is it just an adjustment period of some sort?

I guess time will tell.

I get to see Rider again tonight and Wednesday night; we're trying to pre-compensate for the fact that I'm going to be out of town starting Friday and will not see him until midnight the following Thursday. Over a week of no Rider! My heart quails. We'll try to make up for it, though.

We had some FANTASTIC sex the last couple of times we hung out. We always move his bed like a foot away from the wall, LOL. And lately, we've been experimenting with some things that he is well-versed in, but I'm a novice at. We're each other's guides in different areas, I guess: I lead him through the world of new and exciting substances, and he leads me through the world of new and exciting kinky stuff. A true partnership!
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Reverie: 32/bi/f/poly
Rider: Reverie's boyfriend, 38/str/poly
Claire: Rider's other girlfriend, 27/bi/poly
Moss: Reverie's boyfriend/ex-husband (LDR), 39/str/mono
Oona: Reverie's BFF, 36/bi/f/mono/single
Sam: Rider's BFF, 38/str/m/mono/single
Brandon: Reverie's casual dating partner, 32/str/m/poly-curious
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